Um hi! It has been 2 years since I have last posted. :/ my last post is here, http://able2know.org/topic/254620-1
if you'd like to read it. Although I will admit it is kind of cringy. It was who I was. I wrote that back when I was 14. I am now 16, turning 17 in a couple of months. I just wanted some help again..
To be honest, after the post, things didn't get better. It was full of ups and downs, and trust me I've tried to get better, but it didn't work. I started cutting, and the suicidal thoughts got worse. Funny how two years ago I said I wouldn't cut.. yet I did. I hated myself so I cut. Now I hate myself because I cut. Such a vicious cycle. After a year or so my parents found out. I tried stopping myself, but it was hard. From doing it on a daily basis to only doing it once or twice a month, it was hard. I realized cutting made me stop trying to cope with my emotions because I knew that, at the end of the day, I could just cut, and it will all get better.
This year on fabruary 29th was my first truly real attempt at killing myself. I chose the day, since it was a leap year, how cheesy of me. I tried inert gas asphyxiation. The scariest thing I've tried. I would pass out, and come back. I would feel my legs trembling, and I would hear the gas (hellium) being released of the tank. I would hear a buzzing sound. I couldn't take it. At around 5am after one of the many times that I came back from passing out I took the plastic bag off my head and went to my mom's room. Soon later things were progressing, but weeks later it got worse to the point where my school found out. That was the worst thing that could happen. The pity that I so much wanted was actually torture. Being treated like a weak child that may be getting bullied, or may have an eating disorder.. was just horrible.
After two years I've realized that I still want something bad to happen to me, but I don't want anyone to know. I just want to die, and I don't want anyone to care. I want to be out of this world, even if I come back in another body, I don't want my life. From school I was sent to the hospital, doctors, therapist. I begged my mom not to put me on pills, so I thankully didn't get them. I am not weak enough that I will let myself be supported by pills that will be written on my medical records, is what I think. After many visits to the doctors even to this day and after making my mom suffer so much its time to stop. I am trying so hard to stop and I can't.
In the past year I've not only gotten more suicidal but I have also grown to hate myself so much more to the point where I weight myself twice a day. I can't fall asleep without purging or taking too many laxs. I starve. Which is another thing I've got my mom worried about. I am trying to love me. But like I've said two years ago... "I wish I had a more exiting life. I'm just a normal human being that has no meaning in this world! Maybe that's also why I want to die because what's the point anyway? When ever I think about my future I get scared that I'll live a life where I just work, eat and sleep." Which is what I am doing now. Studying, sometimes eating, and sleeping.
I feel so empty. I watch a TV show, hang out with friends, spend time with family which I DO enjoy, but it only entertains me for awhile. So during those couple of second when I am about to put on the next episode, when I can't fallsleep or when I spend time alone I start crying at how pointless everything is. I cry at how empty I am and how I am wasting my life. You could tell me to do something interesting then, but that only fills me up in the moment. Then I am always back again watching my clock tick. Seeing how I am spending my time. Waiting until I die.
I just need help. I don't know what to do. I feel so empty. At least now my parents know, but I am scared of telling them when I am not doing good. They know, but they don't know when I am feeling this way, or truly how I am feeling. I really don't want to hurt them anymore, and I don't want to keep asking them to look out for me.
Any advice would be much appriciated,