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What's wrong with me? ...two years later..

 
 
Reply Wed 6 Jul, 2016 10:59 pm
Um hi! It has been 2 years since I have last posted. :/ my last post is here, http://able2know.org/topic/254620-1 if you'd like to read it. Although I will admit it is kind of cringy. It was who I was. I wrote that back when I was 14. I am now 16, turning 17 in a couple of months. I just wanted some help again..

To be honest, after the post, things didn't get better. It was full of ups and downs, and trust me I've tried to get better, but it didn't work. I started cutting, and the suicidal thoughts got worse. Funny how two years ago I said I wouldn't cut.. yet I did. I hated myself so I cut. Now I hate myself because I cut. Such a vicious cycle. After a year or so my parents found out. I tried stopping myself, but it was hard. From doing it on a daily basis to only doing it once or twice a month, it was hard. I realized cutting made me stop trying to cope with my emotions because I knew that, at the end of the day, I could just cut, and it will all get better.

This year on fabruary 29th was my first truly real attempt at killing myself. I chose the day, since it was a leap year, how cheesy of me. I tried inert gas asphyxiation. The scariest thing I've tried. I would pass out, and come back. I would feel my legs trembling, and I would hear the gas (hellium) being released of the tank. I would hear a buzzing sound. I couldn't take it. At around 5am after one of the many times that I came back from passing out I took the plastic bag off my head and went to my mom's room. Soon later things were progressing, but weeks later it got worse to the point where my school found out. That was the worst thing that could happen. The pity that I so much wanted was actually torture. Being treated like a weak child that may be getting bullied, or may have an eating disorder.. was just horrible.

After two years I've realized that I still want something bad to happen to me, but I don't want anyone to know. I just want to die, and I don't want anyone to care. I want to be out of this world, even if I come back in another body, I don't want my life. From school I was sent to the hospital, doctors, therapist. I begged my mom not to put me on pills, so I thankully didn't get them. I am not weak enough that I will let myself be supported by pills that will be written on my medical records, is what I think. After many visits to the doctors even to this day and after making my mom suffer so much its time to stop. I am trying so hard to stop and I can't.

In the past year I've not only gotten more suicidal but I have also grown to hate myself so much more to the point where I weight myself twice a day. I can't fall asleep without purging or taking too many laxs. I starve. Which is another thing I've got my mom worried about. I am trying to love me. But like I've said two years ago... "I wish I had a more exiting life. I'm just a normal human being that has no meaning in this world! Maybe that's also why I want to die because what's the point anyway? When ever I think about my future I get scared that I'll live a life where I just work, eat and sleep." Which is what I am doing now. Studying, sometimes eating, and sleeping.

I feel so empty. I watch a TV show, hang out with friends, spend time with family which I DO enjoy, but it only entertains me for awhile. So during those couple of second when I am about to put on the next episode, when I can't fallsleep or when I spend time alone I start crying at how pointless everything is. I cry at how empty I am and how I am wasting my life. You could tell me to do something interesting then, but that only fills me up in the moment. Then I am always back again watching my clock tick. Seeing how I am spending my time. Waiting until I die.

I just need help. I don't know what to do. I feel so empty. At least now my parents know, but I am scared of telling them when I am not doing good. They know, but they don't know when I am feeling this way, or truly how I am feeling. I really don't want to hurt them anymore, and I don't want to keep asking them to look out for me.

Any advice would be much appriciated,
Mel.
 
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jespah
 
  4  
Reply Thu 7 Jul, 2016 05:10 am
@MelodyCrystal,
Using medication is not a sign of weakness.

Depression is a horrible disease, and it is a liar. It's lying to you about what life is like, or what it means to get help and go all in, to really get help.

It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I urge you to try again to get the help you need, and to work with your mother on getting better medical assistance. What is happening right now is clearly not working. That does not mean it's time to throw in the towel; it means it's time to try something else.

All the best to you.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Thu 7 Jul, 2016 07:22 am
There are in-patient facilities that specialize in conditions such as yours. I am surprised that you have never been thru such a program.

Depression is anger turned inward. What are you so damn angry about?
nacredambition
 
  3  
Reply Thu 7 Jul, 2016 07:55 am
@MelodyCrystal,
Melody, hi I'm nacred ( yeah pretty funny huh).

Do all those good things with friends and family.

Focus on doing well at school through study and don't allow any time for stupid stuff, k.

Continue with getting personal medical advice.

We can try to provide support but it's gotta be you girl.

Let us know how it goes with friends, family, mentors, medical advisors.

There are lotsa people here that you can rely on for support and friendship.







0 Replies
 
MelodyCrystal
 
  1  
Reply Thu 7 Jul, 2016 08:21 am
@Heermosi,
I want to commit suicide because I think of life as being pointless. You will eventually die anyways, so what's the point?

The thing I can get from death is nothing, which is a lot better than living. Living just feels me up with so many different emotions which at times can be good, but at the same time they can feel horrible. Whenever I feel empty, I don't only feel sad, but I also feel like I am being suffocated, I start shaking, and my head starts hurting. Then when others start talking to me about feelings, I also start shaking, and I get very anxious.

I don't agree anymore with some of the things I said in my past post. I obviously don't hate my family. As for when I said I find everyone annoying, well I don't anymore. I just stopped caring. I just stopped caring about how everyone is and accepted that's just how the world is. Although I do still keep pretending to be very cheery and happy, because its what my friends know me as. From my old post, two years ago, I thought I wanted attention. I thought that maybe some attention will make me happier, fill me up and feed my self-steem. However, now I realize that I truly don't want that. Everytime someone constantly worries about if I am eating, cutting, how I am feeling, and everytime my school counselor calls me down, makes me very nervous, and its just a horrible feeling. I just want to crawl into a whole, make everyone stop worrying, and caring for me, and just die there.

Also yes I am a girl.
MelodyCrystal
 
  1  
Reply Thu 7 Jul, 2016 08:23 am
@jespah,
Thanks, but I still don't want to rely on medication. I know that I wont be commiting suicide anytime soon, and that I will have to live like this, so I don't want suicidal written on my medical records.. I don't want me being forever tagged as depressed..
0 Replies
 
MelodyCrystal
 
  1  
Reply Thu 7 Jul, 2016 08:25 am
@PUNKEY,
I don't think I am angry.. I might be angry with myself, if that's what you mean? But the only times when I feel anger towards others is when they constantly worry about me..
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Thu 7 Jul, 2016 02:39 pm
"but I still don't want to rely on medication. I know that I wont be commiting suicide anytime soon, and that I will have to live like this . . ."


No, you don't.

"I don't want me being forever tagged as depressed. . . ."

What do you think others "tag" you as, NOW?

You sound like you have had therapy. You sound like you can verbalize your issues, YET you deny yourself relief and self-help AND concern from others (even when it's their JOB to care about you or THEIR choice (even if they do it wrongly)

You are too young, but a band named CHICAGO felt the same as you:

I just want to be free
I just want to be free
I want to be free of all the hurt
Free of all the pain
I want to just end these lonely hours
End these lonely days
I just want to be free
I just want to be free
I just want to be free
I just want to be free


Heermosi
 
  0  
Reply Thu 7 Jul, 2016 07:05 pm
@PUNKEY,
I'm afraid it was not the case.
Going through such programs would most probably hurt herself, if she's reluctant to it.
0 Replies
 
Heermosi
 
  1  
Reply Thu 7 Jul, 2016 08:04 pm
@MelodyCrystal,
What did school counselor call you down for made you so nervous, even had a horrible feeling?
Heermosi
 
  1  
Reply Thu 7 Jul, 2016 08:15 pm
@MelodyCrystal,
A life's point is different from one another.
It was what you struggle for.
For me, it was a contest with time, either defeat death or being defeated. If I cannot win, every one shall die ---- relatives, loved, hated, etc.
It was still too early for you to choose a point. You may rest for a little while.
Remember, searching for the point is also some short term point! Just don't worry about it, what you need to do is to find some one or something you cares about!

There is no guilty in caring about anything(as long as it was not illegal), don't lock yourself up in a cage.
0 Replies
 
MelodyCrystal
 
  2  
Reply Thu 7 Jul, 2016 11:12 pm
@PUNKEY,
People in school such as students/classmates just tag me as the happy/smart girl. Although I am not popular, so that is just the opinion of most of my friends about me. I don't know what my teachers might think of me, some know, others don't. As for my counselor, I don't know what she thinks of me either, although I personally don't care. I just don't want my classmates to think of me as the "emo" girl. Which I am not.
MelodyCrystal
 
  1  
Reply Thu 7 Jul, 2016 11:15 pm
@Heermosi,
She called me down to talk about the time when I tried killing myself, but even so, whenever she calls me down even just to see how I am doing, I get very nervous. I get scared. I really don't know why. It's the same when others ask me how I am feeling..
ossobucotemp
 
  2  
Reply Thu 7 Jul, 2016 11:22 pm
I can almost understand, but I take you as being steely obstinate about not getting help.
That is your barrier, your fear, your pride, and likely downfall.

Your choice.
Heermosi
 
  1  
Reply Fri 8 Jul, 2016 03:28 am
@MelodyCrystal,
Is that the whole conversation made you scared(from the start to end) or just some point in the conversation made you feel like that(like when they ask about your feelings)?
Do you remember any point that scared you most? Just when they ask about your feelings? What are you afraid of being treated if you are not giving a satisfying answer?
Heermosi
 
  0  
Reply Fri 8 Jul, 2016 08:14 pm
@MelodyCrystal,
You want to stay together with others. You don't want to lose friendship. You cannot endure being isolated, being discriminated.

Even if they behaves caring about you, you just doubt if they are just try to make certain that you are one of them or not.
You fear to fight alone, fear to live alone, fear to deal thing alone, fear to lose friends. Although you claimed that you don't care the surroundings, you do care about what others think of you.
It's best for you to be honest. Suspicion is the worst of all. It would destruct everything including you.
If you cannot suffer loneliness, transfer to a new school might be a better solution.

So there is another question from me. Personally, I don't quite understand why could you fear being discriminated? Would you being ill treated or lose some thing? Is that really important for you even if you have to deal with suspicion?

MelodyCrystal
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Jul, 2016 09:17 pm
@ossobucotemp,
Thanks
0 Replies
 
MelodyCrystal
 
  1  
Reply Sat 9 Jul, 2016 09:21 pm
@Heermosi,
I think I was just scared of the fact that I was going down to talk to a counselor, and that she will be writting about me to the school about how I am doing now. Maybe I was just scared that she will write that I am still not doing good, and that she will keep calling me down because I need more and more help since I am not doing any better.. So maybe that made me nervous
MelodyCrystal
 
  2  
Reply Sat 9 Jul, 2016 09:28 pm
@Heermosi,
I was thinking about transfering schools as well.. it would help with me wanting to start all over, but it's not so easy also I finish highschool next year, so my parents say I could wait one more year.

I fear being discriminated because I don't want to be known as the sick girl, even worse the attention girl. What I mean by that is that I don't want people to think I am doing this for attention, and that I truly don't feel lonely/empty. I want people to believe me but I am afraid they wont so I rather not tell anyone..
 

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