Girlfriend thinks I am loosing interest in her, but I am not. What should I do or say?

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She's been in bad relationships in the past. Guys told her they loved her, promised her the world.. then cheated and broke up. Basically, they lost interest in her. Now she's with me, dating 4 months. She says I am better than anything ever. But she's terrified I will leave her. She said to someone else she thinks I am loosing interest in her. So I noticed as a result, she's kinda retreating: She doesn't respond quick to texts (like hours sometimes), ignores good-morning texts now, she loves to cuddle and chat on the couch (so do I believe it or not) but we don't do that much over the past few weeks, sex is less, and just less spending time together in-general. She just seems down and much less happy. I don't get it. I ask her if she is happy: she says yes. I ask if I am honestly someone she can see in her future: She says yes. She says I am better than every other guy and she could actually see a future with someone like me one day. I specifically tell her I don't want to leave her, and even say I don't want her to leave me. I really am loving getting to know her so deep, and love spending time with her. I tell her "we can be doing anything! shopping for tampons at walmart, walking the dog, giving a friend a ride to work. Anything, just spending time with you is what I want!" and its like she cant accept it. Or has doubt. I don't know what to do. I am absolutely not loosing interest, Im comfortable and relaxing after 4 months, but thats not loosing interest. She has a hard time seeing that.

Now based on what I see, she's pushing me away, basically setting herself up to sabotage the relationship and break it off between us so she does not get the heartbreak of me saying it to her. She kinda said that to me the other night without actually saying it. But I have no plans to break up. What am I doing wrong? Any advice?

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Type: Question • Score: 8 • Views: 8,473 • Replies: 21

You aren't doing anything wrong. However, if she is running the relationship down (for whatever reason) you can't stop her. You may just have to accept it and move on.

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This sounds exhausting!! How and what must to do to assure her of your love?

The answer is really: nothing.

You said: "Now based on what I see, she's pushing me away, basically setting herself up to sabotage the relationship and break it off between us so she does not get the heartbreak of me saying it to her."

I agree with what you think. She might be bored after the initial excitement of the relationship, and she's ready for the next guy's attention.

WHY has she had so many relationships that have ended? That should be something you might want to find out about.

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@gorff,

Talk to her.

Be honest that you are concerned that she is distancing herself from you.

Let her take on some of the responsibility for maintaining the relationship.

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@gorff,

Give her a lot of champagne, puppy and huuuge box of chocolate. Invite your most sexy pal to your house. Get him some beer too. Leave them alone.

Get back playing WoW.

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@ehBeth,

I agree. I will talk to her soon, its more of a question of what to say. I kinda get the feeling she thinks she is boring me. In other words, she does not realize how much I don't sweat so much what we are doing, its just being with her I like. I don't think she really gets it yet. Yeah I plan to talk to her. If you have any suggestions on how to go about talking or even bringing it up.

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@PUNKEY,

Kinda on. I could give more details, such as: the first guy she was with for a few years. He ended up cheating and basically told her "yeah, only kept you around for sex until something better came along." The next guy she was only with cause he gave her drugs when she was in that 'down' part of her life. The Third guy she was with for like 3 months and he got bored when the honeymoon phase of the relationship ended, so he cheated on her and left. So now shes got this thing in her head that after like 3 months, a guy will loose the lovie dovie honeymoon thing, the sex craze is over, and now its just a girl. So he will get tired and bored and leave. She thinks thats where we are at. I constantly tell her its not about sex for me, I actually find her facinating and love doing things with her. I dunno

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@Tes yeux noirs,

The only thing I am doing wrong is not asking the right questions. Thats why I'm on this forum C: Hoping to get feedback or difference of opinion, or advice on what I could say to her/ask her

1 Reply

@gorff,

Sounds like she is either depressed or has such low self esteem that she is unable to have a lasting relationship.

Why do you feel that you have to reassure her all the time? Aren't your actions enough?

Is she pouting? This need for reassurance will tire you out.

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@gorff,

FWIW, Consider the possibility that she is losing interest in you but too cowardly to say it or take responsibility for it. Besides, a nice guy like you makes a good backup if she can't find someone that currently interests her. And I doubt there is anyone who could interest her for long enough to form a long term relationship.

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@Leadfoot,

Thats possible. I don't know how I can know if that is what it is though. From the start, I saw a girl that despirately wanted someone to love her. I can see she does go out of her way to try and entertain me, look good for me, all the things girls do really. A while back I noticed this, and had to sit her back and basically tell her "you don't have to 'do' anything to keep me around. No fooling around with other guys, spend time with me and keep comunication open. Thats what I ask" thats what I told her. That was after a little talk about sex and basically I told her I don't want her for sex and she doesn't have to use sex to keep me interested cause its her I am interested in

1 Reply

@gorff,

Quote:

Thats possible. I don't know how I can know if that is what it is though.

That is a problem. But all your reassurances and attempts to get her to just be herself will fall on deaf ears if she is internally conflicted.

Conflicted people can be the most charming and fun to be around people in the world - about 50% of the time. The other 50% will drive you insane if you let them.

1 Reply

@Leadfoot,

"The other 50% will drive you insane if you let them. " Hahaha you said it! Women can do that sometimes. Im not going insane, Im pretty strong about this stuff and don't want to just run cause its hard. Im just trying to identify what the root of the problem is and see what I could do to fix it. I appreciate all the advice you are giving; as I say, that is what I am in this forum for

1 Reply

@gorff,

Not saying this is the problem but it might be worthwhile to Google or read a book with info on NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and bounce it off the way your GF is. People with it do not necessarily act like what you would think the label would suggest.

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@Leadfoot,

ok, thankyou. I will look into whatever that is then I hadnt thought of that. Again, that is why I am here. To get different opinion and different things to think about.

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@gorff,

gorff wrote:

I tell her "we can be doing anything! shopping for tampons at walmart, walking the dog, giving a friend a ride to work. Anything, just spending time with you is what I want!" and its like she cant accept it. Or has doubt. I don't know what to do.

I can understand doing "anything" once people are in a settled, long-term relationship, but it's not what everyone is looking for when a relationship is getting started.

What kinds of things/events has she expressed an interest in? would she like more date nights? movies out? concerts? what is she looking for in a relationship? you haven't really told us that part

it could be in the way it's been expressed, but it doesn't feel like you're describing a special relationship - sounds more like a comfy relationship with an old friend

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Hmm thats possible. Ill try to answer each paragraph you wrote:
We do lots and lots of eating out, dinner, icecream, etc. We go out for daytrips to small towns for walks and shop in the little stores. Movies, hiking . Were about to leave for a nice 2 day trip to the beach and check out all the stuff surrounding it. We both enjoy these things too, its not just one. We go on lots of date days, date nights. These are things she has expressed interest in and we have done lots of times. Like I say, we have done a lot and spent a lot of time (and money) together. Any more and I will be broke.

She says she is looking for a committed relationship. Her dream is the simple life with a dog, small house, some kids etc. Typical stuff, Im all about that. Maybe I need to ask her what she wants out of a relationship specifically??

It could be the way Im expressing it. Thats possible, I admit. If it is, I would like to know how to change how I am expressing it. I am really telling her things that would in different ways say "hey! you are like my other half. I dont want any other woman on the face of the planet." Maybe I need help expressing it better, rather than just spending money. Could be my problem? Thanks ehbeth

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@Leadfoot,

Btw, I have been watching videos on Narcissism. "vulnerable narcissism" seems to line up with her. I know that's what it is, just didn't have a word to go with it until you said something. She definitely has an image problem, low self esteem, her mom abandoned her at a young age, she does not think she is good enough to please her parents (dad), and people at work she feels are constantly telling her she is not good enough or doing a good enough job. You are onto something. How to deal with it, as I would like to do, is the real question.

1 Reply

@gorff,

She recognizes there are problems, and its due to relationships: the problem she has is identifying what is a problem is, and what she considers TO BE and NOT TO BE a problem... that is the problem.

1 Reply

@gorff,

Quote:

She recognizes there are problems, and its due to relationships: the problem she has is identifying what is a problem is, and what she considers TO BE and NOT TO BE a problem

One of the defining characteristics of people with NPD is they NEVER think the real problem is with them, even if they say 'they are not good enough'. They will see that as a 'good' thing, they are 'humble', etc.

1 Reply

Girlfriend thinks I am loosing interest in her, but I am not. What should I do or say?

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