We haven't talked in over two months...

Reply Sat 30 Jul, 2016 02:41 am
So there's this guy I met in a class and we met outside of class while doing research (art history). We met at a local museum and I had seen him before in lecture and it was always weird because we'd make eye contact all the time. We got some food after finishing our work and got to know each other better. I felt really happy and giddy and such after getting to know him because we were both completely engaged in the conversation. We really hit it off and I was really bummed out I didn't get his number. A couple of days later, he sent me a friend request and I accepted it. We started messaging constantly for a good month or so, and I enjoyed all the attention I got from this guy. He asked me a lot of questions, always asked about my well being, said goodnight (y'know generic type of bs, one tells another when 'talking'). He'd ask me sometimes if I'd like to go to his place to which I'd reply with no. I didn't want to establish some sort of friends with benefits type of thing, and after saying no we kept talking. He had told me about his casual sex encounters and his appreciation for the hookup culture. Hooking up isn't really my thing, but I have the same deal as respect for someone that hooks up and one who doesn't (it's your body do what you like, right?). Sometimes I'd hint that I really liked him by saying things like, "I really like talking to you," which he'd respond with, "What do you mean?". I think he wanted me to be straight up with him and tell him that I wanted to date him and such. I had been hoping that maybe he'd warm up to the idea of maybe dating me and eventually becoming his girlfriend or something. On finals week, we were both at different parties/kickbacks and we were messaging. We were both drunk and I had stated something about how messaging tended to desensitize people and I wanted to have a conversation with him face to face, rather than just through a phone. He agreed, but didn't think much and we moved on from the subject. Although we were very different people, we had a great deal of respect for our opinions and never antagonized each other about issues like that. After that, we began to message each other less and less. Maybe because we were both busy with classes, or maybe he came to the realization that I wanted some sort of commitment kind of deal (not marriage, but dating...) and he wasn't ready. We said our goodbyes, and I expected him to send me something once he'd get home but he never did. I'll see once in a while when he's online but I don't send him anything as he does the same.

Recently a friend of his popped up on my friends suggestions and I also got a message request from someone who wasn't my friend (he was the only mutual friend). I'm not sure if these two correlate. I tried checking who the message request was from but it had been cancelled. This girl who appeared on my suggestions doesn't go to the same college as we do, but nonetheless she appeared. I'm not sure if he mentioned me to her or something of that caliber but she looked me up.

I'm asking for advice in regards to my situation. What do you folks think of his friend popping up? A person I had never seen or even heard of appears on my suggestions all of a sudden (sounds delusional, but hey look it up!). Should I just move on and forget about him? Or if he does message me back should I respond and act as if our time apart didn't mean anything and pick it up back where we left it?

Thanks in advance!
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Reply Sat 30 Jul, 2016 04:50 am
The mutual friend popping up is just Facebook's algorithm working. It gives credence to strong social signals, and the formula for deciding which social signals are stronger than others is proprietary, so I've got to guess about what it defined as 'strong'. It's probably either a new mutual friend between your pal and this person who the algorithm suggested to you, and that mutual friend (so, a fourth person if you are 1, your pal is 2, the suggested friend is 3, this one would be 4) probably has something in common with you but no friends. E. g. it may be someone who went to your school or lives in the same home town or even claims the same religion or devotion to boy bands of the 90s or whatever. Smile

Either way, it's about as random as seeing a pair of people on a city street wearing Chuck Taylors. Random and equally unremarkable.

As for your pal, eh. I find it nuts (I am also older than dirt) that a few months of cordial, playful text chatting is not enough to commit to the incredibly noncommitment-type scenario of going out on a date with someone and, you know, eating at a restaurant and watching a movie or playing miniature golf or the like rather than just doing Netflix and chill.

Seriously. This wasn't a marriage proposal.

You're absolutely right that it desensitizes people, but it also some pretty damned classic avoidance behavior. You text so you don't have to go on real dates with other people. You text so you don't have to strike up conversations with other folks. Etc. etc. lather, rinse, repeat.

I would write him off, personally. He is not going to go out unless it's for a quick roll in the hay. Sorry, but that's what I am getting from that. He strung you along and conversed with you via text message because it was easy and could be hidden if he got a girlfriend or a longer term FWB (he probably had either or both all along, BTW, no matter what he told you).

So! What to do now?

Job One - consider other people. Not just men. I don't mean to date, but to have a social life. A social life does not mean hitting the bars every night. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Join a gym and go. Hit up Meetup and look for groups which interest you, whether it's a Harry Potter book club or a group of people who make quilts or cosplay. Or take a class, anything from ceramics to belly dancing, at your local community college.

Do this not for the specific purpose of meeting men, but because it's an activity you enjoy. You will meet people, I guarantee it! And even if they are all women old enough to be your grandmother, those woman know someone or other. They don't necessarily have the best ideas of who to present to you as a possible date but it is another avenue to explore.

You can also try POF or the like, what used to be called the personal ads when I was a dating lass. Which is how I met my husband. We celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary next May. Smile

Either way, time to step away from the keyboard.
Reply Sat 30 Jul, 2016 07:48 am
The friend suggestion thing comes from the application , not the guy.

Whatever was going on with the guy seems to be over. Time to move on.


While you were doing your chatting etc, did you ever ask him out for a coffee/drink/movie?
Reply Sat 30 Jul, 2016 09:51 am
He let you know he likes a roll in the hay. You let him know you need something more than casual sex. So HE moved on. You should too.

She may have looked you up out of curiosity. 9Maybe a lookup of his friends.) Who knows?

Reply Sat 30 Jul, 2016 10:47 am
thanks for responding!
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Reply Sat 30 Jul, 2016 10:49 am
you're absolutely right. I just have a hard time moving on.
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Reply Sat 30 Jul, 2016 10:52 am
lol, yeah I knew it wasn't a marriage proposal. But yeah, you're right it's time I move on and focus on other things besides this dude. And sure I hang out with my friends or other people, but it's this kind of thing that bugs me in the back of my head. Thoughts like, "what went wrong?" arise, but I can't do much. I mean I'm only 21, and maybe this time should be about me and finding myself instead of sweating the small stuff. Thanks for the great advice!
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