My boyfriend doesn't want to have an active sex life with me

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I have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for a little over 4 years. Like in any relationship we have our ups and downs. When we first got together he acted as though he was really into having an intimate relationship with me, it was great! I would say in about 3 months into it it stopped almost completely and it's been that way ever since. We are lucky to have sex once every two to three months. He says its normal but I don't agree. And it's not all about sex in itself, it's about expressing live and intimacy. He doesn't do any of that, for example when he kisses me it's a long pressed kiss with his lips tightly closed. I hear a lot of guys complaining that the female doesn't want sex enough but it's rare to hear that about the man. He tries to tell me that I'm addicted to sex and it's my problem and not his. The problems are first off yes I am a female but I do have hormones and needs! Second I feel like maybe it's because he isn't really attracted to me anymore. And third I'm wondering if there is someone else in the picture. My boyfriend is a healthy 32 year old and it just doesn't make sense to me. I've googled this and it comes up with pretty much what I'm suspicious of and when I tell him this he says to ask real people so this is what I'm trying to accomplish along with figuring out whether he is right or if I'm the crazy one!

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Type: Question • Score: 12 • Views: 8,064 • Replies: 16

@37kf80,

A checkup from his medical provider wouldn't be a bad idea, but it should not be framed with reference to your sex life. And if he has recently gone, then drop it - and if he goes and doesn't bring it up, drop it.

And then decide if this is a dealbreaker for you, or not.

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@37kf80,

Quote:

My boyfriend is a healthy 32 year old

Quote:

We are lucky to have sex once every two to three months. He says its normal

I am a man.
A healthy 32 year old man who does not want to have sex more than once every two to three months sounds odd and unusual.

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@Real Music,

Real music - you are one of my favorite posters, though I don't go on about it. I just about always look at what you say.

Now, though, you are bolding stuff all over the place. Please stop that. It is best used sparely.

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@37kf80,

You're not crazy. You're not addicted to sex. He doesn't seem to want an intimate relationship with you anymore. His reasons are anyone's guess. Maybe he has another girlfriend. Maybe he's figured out he's gay. Maybe he just isn't really into you. The important thing for you is to realize that it isn't your fault and that it's time to move on. Good luck to you.

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@ossobucotemp,

Quote:

Real music - you are one of my favorite posters, though I don't go on about it. I just about always look at what you say. Now, though, you are bolding stuff all over the place. Please stop that. It is best used sparely.

Sorry about the excessive use of the bold feature. You are right. Thanks for the input. I will only use it sparingly from now on. I was basically a kid with a new toy.

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@37kf80,

There is something wrong with him (maybe low testosterone) or he's cheating on you. I have never met a guy in a relationship that has sex every couple of months and thinks that's normal. You are definitely not the crazy one.

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@Real Music,

I apologize for snapping at you about that. Grrrr to self..

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Like in any relationship we have our ups and downs.

Well - others have suggested a complete medical checkup.

But, I'd like to suggest you explore exactly what those "ups and downs" are. It sounds like he is either punishing you and withholds sex (women do that all the time) or he wants out of the relationship and this is his way of getting you to make the break.

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@37kf80,

Who knows. have you two been arguing at all? What about? Maybe its a loss of confidence and trust in you and that will lower sex drive.

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@37kf80,

I'm going to be somewhat brutal in my response, but I don't mean to offend you. You want an answer and one of these may be the it:

1) Your boyfriend is actually gay.
2) Your body has significantly changed since you first met
3) Your boyfriend went on medications that suppressed his sex-drive
4) He's found someone else

At your ages, it's not normal.

It's possible, I suppose, that 3 months after you met he suffered a testosterone depletion, but I think not.

However, did he go on any medications 3 months after you met?

I don't know what you've found on the internet, but you're not crazy and there's no reason for you to not expect a more engaged sex-life.

He has to be honest with you. "It's normal" is not being honest.

My advise is that you put it to him that he needs to be honest or you will assume the worst and leave him.

I know the "leave him" advice is never well received, but if this is irreconcilable, it won't get better and you will only be wasting precious months and years of your life.

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This is happens when he has any other girl friend more important than you or he has some internal issues i mean talk to him and ask what is going on if he has any issue then he clearly tell you .

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@37kf80,

Maybe he is looking for a way for you to break up with him?

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Here is my educated opinion on this topic. It might not be common knowledge but when a guy turns 30 his testosterone starts to diminish. On a medical standpoint, he could be experiencing low libido and testosterone due to a few reasons. AGE, DIET, (DIABETES?), DRUGS?, ALCOHOL?, NICOTINE USE?. All contribute to the loss of testosterone and low libido. These factors also contribute to depression and anxiety, which is a big problem in America.

on a different side, one could say, he has become comfortable in the relationship, therefore he doesn't feel the need to have intimacy. "Play the game". Try being less intimate with him for awhile and stop most physical contact. I bet after a while he will start to seek you more intimately and aggressively. If not, well... He might be gay... Sorry.

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@MadArmyDad,

MadArmyDad wrote:

Here is my educated opinion on this topic. It might not be common knowledge but when a guy turns 30 his testosterone starts to diminish. On a medical standpoint, he could be experiencing low libido and testosterone due to a few reasons. AGE, DIET, (DIABETES?), DRUGS?, ALCOHOL?, NICOTINE USE?. All contribute to the loss of testosterone and low libido. These factors also contribute to depression and anxiety, which is a big problem in America.

on a different side, one could say, he has become comfortable in the relationship, therefore he doesn't feel the need to have intimacy. "Play the game". Try being less intimate with him for awhile and stop most physical contact. I bet after a while he will start to seek you more intimately and aggressively. If not, well... He might be gay... Sorry.

You are correct, MAD, the desire for sex does start to taper off for males at about age 30. At some point, it almost goes away completely. I'm not sure when (I'm only 87), but when it comes along, I will post it here to give everyone a heads-up.

1 Reply

@Frank Apisa,

Frank Apisa wrote:

I'm not sure when (I'm only 87), but when it comes along, I will post it here to give everyone a heads-up.

My boyfriend doesn't want to have an active sex life with me

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