Should I contact my birth father?

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I am 20 years old and do not even know my fathers name.

It's not that my mother is hiding the truth from me, she has always been very transparent about my father, I just had never had felt the need to show an interest in him. I know if I only ask she will tell me more than I need to find him. A name and a DNA test do wonders these days.

He has never contacted me or my mother. Never payed child support. His name is not even on my birth certificate. I don't ask questions about him because frankly, I don't want to show an interest in someone who has made it clear that they want nothing to do with their own daughter.

As I've gotten older though, I've become more curious about him and the other half of a family I've never known. I am an only child and my mother never married. What if I have siblings? Aunts, uncles, grandparents, I've never met. Life is short and I don't want to it to be one of my life's regrets for never attempting to contact my other family.

One of my biggest reservations on contacting him is a fear of rejection. I know this is a sad reality that is the most likely outcome. I do not know how I would cope with the rejection. I've never felt any pain about his absence so far because I've never known any different. I'm afraid if I put a face, a personality, and a family to that absence (on top of likely rejection) I'll be daddy issues central. I'm also likely to receive little to no support from my family here.

Should I move on and accept that it's better to leave some curiosities alone? Or should square up and start asking questions that should've been answered years ago?

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Type: Question • Score: 6 • Views: 7,790 • Replies: 9

[+3] - PUNKEY - 07/17/2016There may be a VERY good reason why your mother has kept this information to herself. Share with her that you'd like to know about health history from both mom and your birth father. Then find...

@HahnKristen,

It's important because of health issues.
Search: why geneology is necessary for health issues

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@HahnKristen,

It is really a dilemma you have.
Talk with your mother about him and find out if she thinks that he wants to see you.
A meeting might work out just fine
If you meet him it could happen it would be a disappointment ,you may not get a good contact with neither him nor eventuel other relatives.
He might have married and have children and for them it will be a great chock all of a sudden to get you into the family.
As a rule I think the meeting with unknown fathers or biological mothers do not work out very well. At least that is what on reads.
To contact him for DNA and health reason is a bad idea.
Imagen that the meeting is going to work out so bad you hardly can get over it.
Will your mental disappoinment really be worth it?
It is nessecary to know that you might get XX illness some time in your life and then have to worry for decades and then you do not get it.

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There may be a VERY good reason why your mother has kept this information to herself.
Share with her that you'd like to know about health history from both mom and your birth father. Then find out why he was never there - that may have been HER choice. She should be encouraged to share as much as she can with you.

But leave yourself the option of not taking any action after you get all the information. Right now you have a fantasy of reuniting with this man and an extended family. It may not be something you want to get involved with after you have all the facts.

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@HahnKristen,

HahnKristen wrote:

Should I move on and accept that it's better to leave some curiosities alone?

Yes.

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@HahnKristen,

Has your mother told you why your father's name is not on the birth certificate? start the conversation with her there.

__

You have to be very realistic about how badly attempted reunions can go.

My immediate circle has been lucky in that the bio parent/child reunions have gone comparatively well, but they don't all turn out so nicely.

__

One thing I can tell you is that you won't know for sure that there has been no contact between them (after your birth) until you've spoken to both of them.

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@HahnKristen,

HahnKristen wrote:

I'm also likely to receive little to no support from my family here.

Have you talked to other family members about this?

You look to be of an age where it wouldn't be an unusual discussion between siblings/cousins.

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@HahnKristen,

First of all it sounds as if he has forfeited any right to be a significant influence on your life or your psyche. Easy to say of course and I completely understand your fear of rejection, but who is he to reject you?

It's perfectly understandable for you to be, at the very least, curious, and contacting him might open a whole new world for you, but the chances are that he won't want to be reminded of a past in which he did the "wrong thing," so if you do contact him, you need to be prepared for rejection. If that's something you don't think you can handle, don't contact him.

However, it's unlikely that a first contact that results in rejection will "put a face, a personality, and a family" on the mystery. More than likely you will get something like "I don't know what you're talking about. You have the wrong person."

Screw him if he rejects you. And...maybe he won't.

I speak from experience.

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@HahnKristen,

you might want try that..Depends on the years he's left you, he might be considering the same thing too.But he could be way too scared to try,you never know.

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@HahnKristen,

It seems most people here are assuming this dad wanted nothing to do with you. Do you know if he even knows you exist? I am asking because this is very plausible unless your mom already made it clear that your "dad" did not want anything to do with you (and assuming she is not lying - I do not mean this personally or anything against your mom as I do not know her).

It is plausible this happened to my husband's friend. One day an older teen girl showed up at his door. He never knew he had a daughter. She was having issues with her mom and found out who her dad was and showed up unannounced at his door. He never even knew about her. She is now a complete part of their family.

I think this is more the exception than the rule --- but it is certainly plausible. And your mom might have had a good reason at the time not to tell him - but remember that was what over 20 years ago - your "dad" could have changed since then.

And I can see you might want to meet other family members maybe focus on that side and lessen your expectations of meeting your dad and focus on the potential of new family members.

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Should I contact my birth father?

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