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What's wrong with me? Why do I feel this way?

 
 
Reply Fri 12 Sep, 2014 09:33 pm
Lately I've been very tempted in committing suicide. Just the thought of dying makes me very happy. When I'm in a very tall building I feel like jumping off, when I'm in my bed staring at my roof I feel like hanging my self and when I'm swimming or bathing I just want to drown my self. Although I have a very loving family, my mom, my dad and my brother (who can be pretty annoying) I've been feeling almost everyday like this and the temptation gets stronger everyday, if only I had the courage to do it...

I get most of the things I want (I have a laptop, Ipod, very pretty clothes) and I am very thankful for them and I don't ask for more but I still feel like this. I even tried cutting my self, ONCE, and every time I look at the scars I feel happy. Now don't think I am a masochist because I admit cutting did hurt and I probably wont do it again!

Also I don't get bullied at school or anything. In fact I once was the bully in grade 7 and 8. I picked on this girls who annoyed me with their "I'm nice to everyone" selves. Although they were really nice to me they still annoyed me somehow. I even made my "best friend" cry. Everyone just annoys me so much! I hate them!! But whenever I walk alone and there is people around me who genuinely like each other I cant help but feel embarrassed/jealous of them, since they GENUINELY love each other (couples and friends). But of course I can't have anyone like that since everyone annoys me!

Maybe I should have a change of heart? Maybe I should try to love people more and change my attitude? Well I CANT!! By the way this is not how I act when I'm around people/go outside. I have a completely different personality and that's how I move around, by acting different and "Loving", "Caring", "Smiling", "HUGGING" everyone but little do they know I find them annoying and just use them so I don't look like a loner! Even my family I hate them too.. But why? Why do I feel like this?!

I also wish I had a more exiting life. Maybe if I got kidnapped and appeared 1 year later like a survivor? Maybe if I got raped and had to live with the burden of having to carry that around? Maybe if I was more special then others?! Maybe that's why I find everyone annoying because I'm just like them a normal human being that has no meaning in this world! Maybe that's also why I want to die because what's the point anyway? When ever I think about my future I get scared that I'll live a life where I just work, eat and sleep. I get scared that I will never find anyone that I can truly love so... I just want to die! That's right now that I think about it I'm nothing more then a coward that just wants to run away from everything and do the "easy way out" before growing and seeing how much of a stupid life I have! Or maybe I'm just a memory and don't exist? That'll make it easier since I don't exist why am I typing this when I could be already dead?
Anyways I'm too scared to even tell anyone about this or even say my name here that's why I went with the name that my "nice personality" uses. Melody Crystal. Also I don't want to go seek for help or tell anyone because maybe this is all "in my head" and it would look like I am trying to seek attention (an attention whore) which I really don't want to be! So I want your truthfully opinion tell me what the hell is wrong with me?!

Sincerely, Melody Crystal.

Some of the music that I blasted while wearing my headphones and typing this:
-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFPIbETCDo8
-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-Cw7ngk3Ag
-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8ekz_CSBVg
-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjjadCKlhWg
-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEy6WPB_txw
-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXDC89tZ4IQ
-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l35v5r1dJYY
-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkCIcXsTnts
-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DykOazhF9N0 (skip to 0:07)
-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-Cw7ngk3Ag
-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=miFhwa1_fwE
-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCJ_NzepKQs
-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax9b_ttnjVU
-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dz6mIeOXOOA
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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 1,973 • Replies: 15
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One Eyed Mind
 
  0  
Reply Fri 12 Sep, 2014 09:43 pm
Suicide is poorly misunderstood across every culture/country. When you want to end it all, that feeling is "mental". We have an ability to transfer mental images into physical actions, but as you may know, many people do this and it creates more harm than good. These images are for a reason inside our heads, until they are released. The heads we have and hone are information safe-houses - we evaluate information inside where it cannot harm anyone or ourselves, then we implement that information outwards. Understand?

To commit suicide is something many will call you a coward for, which is not necessarily wrong, but let's just be honest with ourselves here, Melody. You are living life - your life does not revolve around you. Right now, you feel like you're nothing in this world, which is fine because every painting underneath is a blank slate, remember that. What you're feeling is normal - people will look at you like a monster that's not from this society, but heed my words, this is the existential crisis. Walls feel like they're closing in; a world weighing down on your shoulders; hard to breathe; hard to think; hard to live. So I understand you well, dear. I have studied and experienced this depression for 5 whole years; in that, I did not contemplate suicide, instead I danced on the shadows that consumed me like a flame lost in darkness until I was able to create a whole world inside me via my ideologies, principles and my ability to see all the world through the Universe's eyes. I looked over the hatred, the bias, the corruption, the pain and the misery inflicted on our everyday experience. My inner voice has saved me time after time again. I do not believe in a god, but I have fell in mad love with the Universe.

I believe if you look further, and deeper into life, you will come to see that this is a stage in your life you must overcome. You have many years ahead of you, as do I. Wisdom comes to you, when you let yourself cry. Do not think crying is a weakness - only the fools and the cowards say a natural emotion is weakness. They are psychopaths, not personalities - they are conformists, not artists.

Be an artist, Melody. Look up Nikola Tesla. Read about the Fibonacci Sequence. Read about the Golden Ratio. Listen to your neurons and your nerves, feel how they react to everything. There's a reason why we can tell others are staring at us without looking - we don't see with our eyes, Melody. We see via electromagnetic waves. Do research on the electromagnetic waves of the heart and brain. Do research on colors, the chakra and try not get lost in the "spirituality", try to stay in reality. Don't live for yourself - live for the Universe. Don't open yourself to anything more than the entire Universe. Do not choose parts of life - accept it all. Life will come to you, as ideas comes to you - you do not come to it. Understand, Melody? Life is there for you, but it will not be there for you if you're not there for yourself. Master your chaos and take control over the shadow play - use the fireplace for your energy and become the Universe.

Here's some music: https://soundcloud.com/happy-spider/it-doesnt-matter-what-you-say
0 Replies
 
fresco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Sep, 2014 12:59 am
@MelodyCrystal,
Quote:
I want your truthfully opinion tell me what the hell is wrong with me

Attention seeking won't work. For whatever reason, you are preoccupied with "self" which some philosophers claim is an illusion. Try thinking about the problems of others who are less fortunate than you, and maybe do some voluntary charitable work. It might help you appreciate your own life.

Eventually you might understand that "self" is ultimately defined by "relationship with others". You cannot demand relationships. You must work on them.
One Eyed Mind
 
  -2  
Reply Sat 13 Sep, 2014 01:31 am
@fresco,
I find it hard to agree that someone who cannot address an emotional situation properly would know what "appreciate" really comes down to.

Why are you addressing someone who is suicidal like a robot? Have you no decency, fresco? It's ironic considering I have more knowledge than you do, and I am still humanly involved.

You might as well tell them, "life isn't fair, get a job, join the game or die".
fresco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Sep, 2014 02:07 am
@One Eyed Mind,
You could be right! "Heeding your words" about Fibonacci etc could do her the world of good !

However, if she were to follow up my philosophical references to "self", she would find that millions of individuals have been eased out of such personal crises as hers by such a move. The fact you appear ignorant of such an established remedy says something about your status as a psychological adviser don't you think ?
One Eyed Mind
 
  -2  
Reply Sat 13 Sep, 2014 02:16 am
@fresco,
What if there's a reason why my way of establishing existential clarity is not based on "millions of individuals", because I don't think you seem to understand that there are "millions of wise men" - taking one away from the eternal eye, is not helping them understand the eternal eye. I am teaching her the eternal eye - you are taking her away from the eternal eye. Your remedy affects people negatively in the long-run, friend. Please consider the psychical elements you are avoiding for such a remedy, as returning her back to the social conformity is the last thing you want to do. Never ever tell someone "self is just an illusion" like that; do you have any idea how much damage this can do to one's inner genius, fresco? Do you?
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Sep, 2014 08:52 am
May I ask the age of the OP?

fresco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Sep, 2014 01:26 pm
@MelodyCrystal,
BTW Have you tried a bit of Bach ?... very soothing.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoZ0y4PO5BA
www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGQLXRTl3Z0
MelodyCrystal
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Sep, 2014 08:29 pm
@PUNKEY,
I'm 14 turning 15 this year.
0 Replies
 
MelodyCrystal
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Sep, 2014 08:35 pm
@fresco,
Trust me I do think of those people A LOT and have seen what they go through. I come from a country were children of the ages 6-14 were begging in the street, begging to clean you shoe so you can give them 2 coins. If we convert it to the money we use in Canada, where I live now, would be less than 50 Canadian cents.... But I still can't help to feel this way. Although whenever I think about those people I truly tear up and feel for them.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Sep, 2014 08:36 pm
@fresco,
Thank you, Fresco.
fresco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Sep, 2014 11:50 pm
@MelodyCrystal,
The "I that can't help feel this way", is just one temporary facet of consciousness which tends to undergo turmoil in teenage years. Though it may be difficult, try just to observe it, and let it pass like you would a dream.
One Eyed Mind
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Sep, 2014 11:57 pm
@fresco,
There is no "I" - there is only "Information".

It's that simple.
0 Replies
 
fresco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 13 Sep, 2014 11:59 pm
@ossobuco,
Cheers !

Actually, I think this version has the emotional edge
www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5IHqqUZEYk
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Sun 14 Sep, 2014 02:22 am
@MelodyCrystal,
Not sure what the cause of the problem is but I have seen this in girls your age before. You should grow out of it but you need to stick around to do it. One tactic is to put your love and energy into gaming or animals till this sorts out. It is a way to keep yourself occupied and to be connected to something.
0 Replies
 
carloslebaron
 
  1  
Reply Tue 21 Oct, 2014 06:52 pm
Harold and Maude.

Watch the movie.
0 Replies
 
 

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