Suicide is poorly misunderstood across every culture/country. When you want to end it all, that feeling is "mental". We have an ability to transfer mental images into physical actions, but as you may know, many people do this and it creates more harm than good. These images are for a reason inside our heads, until they are released. The heads we have and hone are information safe-houses - we evaluate information inside where it cannot harm anyone or ourselves, then we implement that information outwards. Understand?
To commit suicide is something many will call you a coward for, which is not necessarily wrong, but let's just be honest with ourselves here, Melody. You are living life - your life does not revolve around you. Right now, you feel like you're nothing in this world, which is fine because every painting underneath is a blank slate, remember that. What you're feeling is normal - people will look at you like a monster that's not from this society, but heed my words, this is the existential crisis. Walls feel like they're closing in; a world weighing down on your shoulders; hard to breathe; hard to think; hard to live. So I understand you well, dear. I have studied and experienced this depression for 5 whole years; in that, I did not contemplate suicide, instead I danced on the shadows that consumed me like a flame lost in darkness until I was able to create a whole world inside me via my ideologies, principles and my ability to see all the world through the Universe's eyes. I looked over the hatred, the bias, the corruption, the pain and the misery inflicted on our everyday experience. My inner voice has saved me time after time again. I do not believe in a god, but I have fell in mad love with the Universe.
I believe if you look further, and deeper into life, you will come to see that this is a stage in your life you must overcome. You have many years ahead of you, as do I. Wisdom comes to you, when you let yourself cry. Do not think crying is a weakness - only the fools and the cowards say a natural emotion is weakness. They are psychopaths, not personalities - they are conformists, not artists.
Be an artist, Melody. Look up Nikola Tesla. Read about the Fibonacci Sequence. Read about the Golden Ratio. Listen to your neurons and your nerves, feel how they react to everything. There's a reason why we can tell others are staring at us without looking - we don't see with our eyes, Melody. We see via electromagnetic waves. Do research on the electromagnetic waves of the heart and brain. Do research on colors, the chakra and try not get lost in the "spirituality", try to stay in reality. Don't live for yourself - live for the Universe. Don't open yourself to anything more than the entire Universe. Do not choose parts of life - accept it all. Life will come to you, as ideas comes to you - you do not come to it. Understand, Melody? Life is there for you, but it will not be there for you if you're not there for yourself. Master your chaos and take control over the shadow play - use the fireplace for your energy and become the Universe.
Here's some music:
https://soundcloud.com/happy-spider/it-doesnt-matter-what-you-say
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