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Liking my best friend who has a girlfriend.

 
 
Reply Mon 13 Jun, 2016 09:10 am
So, this guy and I are work friends. We've known each other for a year now, and in that year, we have become very close, pretty much best friends. He is not your typical guy, he is very much an introvert, doesn't have many close friends, he has depression and anxiety issues too. (I never judge him, and he doesn't judge me, regardless).
So, since December last year was the time we really spoke every day, for long periods of times. We've spoke obviously previously, but not every day in full conversations and random topics. It takes a lot for him to open up and trust someone. Previously we were having conversations where it would take up to two hours trying to replying to this damn messages! (This was going on for awhile). Then we started chatting with out huge 'novels', which was more enjoyable. I mean even now we speak like we're writing a novel, it just escalates so fast. But anyway, to this day, we 'Snap' everyday, (for those who don't know what snap is, it's an app that you take photos, videos and message, and send it to each other, and the photos or videos only lasts ten seconds. So we literally do that for up to eight hours in the day until work, then again after? Every night we speak, for hours. (He has insomnia, and I don't sleep well either). So we chat a lot in the early hours of the morning or all day on our days off.
He has issues with seeing people, he's made a huge effort to catch up with me before work for a few hours. We will go chill, get some food, laugh, it's so nice. I really cherish those moments.
We speak very in depth about everything. We are very open.. I have literally told him everything about me, besides me having feelings for him.
When I first met him a year ago, there was a sudden attraction, and I was hooked.
He has told me, he takes awhile to develop feelings for someone. With his girlfriend, they were also best friends before they started dating. She told him first that she liked him, and it took him a good six months to develop feelings for her back.
Him and his girlfriend have been dating for three years now.. they have never lived with each other. He is 24, and she is 29. She rents with friends, and he lives with his mother still. But this year they are moving out and renting, he told me she is 'pushing' it more then him, but he feels it's the 'right thing to do', and his mothers lease is up at their house, so he has to move out before then, which is August.
Anyway, everyone at work suspects he has feelings for me, by the way we are around each other, he gets all close and a little touchy, obviously not overly touchy cause that would be weird at work. We talk sexually a lot, we are very open, and speak about whatever comes to mind. We are such dorks together, we make each other laugh constantly. He said the other day, that I'm his only comfort at work, and that our shifts together are his favourite. We speak a lot about valuing each other, and how much we mean to one another. It's taken a lot for him to feel 'close' and 'trusting' to someone so fast with how he is.
I just don't know what to do, I want to tell him about my feelings, but I'm scared. I know he wouldn't disown me or anything, I just don't want all our silly jokes and topics of conversations to change. I mean, we speak everyday. That to me, is huge?! I couldn't possibly lose someone that I'm so close too.
Also, his girlfriend had no idea I existed until recently. How can someone be so close to someone and not tell their girlfriend? Who talks to someone every day and not mention it to their girlfriend? I told him I was a little shocked and almost offended she didn't know who I was.. His excuse was 'he doesn't talk about work to her', she I said, 'I am not work related, I am your friend'. Anyway, we worked it out.
So, this guy, doesn't drive (cause of his anxiety), works in a dead end job like me, (not knowing what to do with life), hates himself, literally self loathes himself, and can't see why someone would ever find him attractive.
There is so much more to write, but I wont. I just need advice...
Do I tell him, or leave it? I don't want a 'What If...', but what if he doesn't feel that way and I make an ass of myself. I get very anxious thinking of telling him... I have been meaning to tell him for months how I feel, but I keep chickening out.. I don't want to be the 'other girl'...


URL: http://able2know.org/topic/324845-1
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 Jun, 2016 09:17 am
@UnsureOne,
UnsureOne wrote:
Also, his girlfriend had no idea I existed until recently.


have you spent time together with him and his girlfriend?

if you are such good friends with him, it's probably time you socialize with him and his girlfriend

if not, ask yourself why it's not happening

are you already the other woman?

UnsureOne
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 Jun, 2016 09:24 am
@ehBeth,
No, I have never met her.. We have no real interest in meeting in each other.. I think it would very awkward.
I always wonderd why she never knew of me for so long.. he said he never 'spoke of work' with her, (Cause he dislikes the workplace), and I replied back with, "But I am not totally work related, we are such close friends", I told him I was offended by it.
I am not sure if it's because he has socialising issues, or not.. I mean we work together, so obviously we spend a lot of time working together, and seeing each other there, and before/after we hang out.
I feel sometimes I might be.. I just don't know what to do.. I want to tell him how I feel, but I am so unsure of myself.
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Mon 13 Jun, 2016 09:37 am
@UnsureOne,
UnsureOne wrote:

... I don't want to be the 'other girl'...


I got news for you. You already are.

If this were my boyfriend (heh, I haven't had a boyfriend in decades; I's married 'n stuff), I would be royally pissed if he was engaging in a ton of sexually suggestive communications with a woman who was interested in him and I had never, ever heard about her (yes, of course he can communicate how he chooses, but I would consider it a massive red flag if such communications were occurring and they were being kept from me).

So don't be so sure things are hunky dory. You are only hearing his side of things. I'd bet dollars to donuts he hasn't told her squat.

He sounds constitutionally incapable of confrontation, preferring instead to passively allow it to happen to him.

Either way, you are putting yourself in a horrible bind. The guy is essentially your work husband, and that's fine, but you want it to be more. In the meantime, if things get ugly, one of you will end up quitting this dead end job. I would also bet that would be you.

Time to back off from the constant snapping and suggestive stuff and start talking about socializing outside of work with his significant other.

I bet that won't happen. 'Cause you're already the 'other girl'. It's just that no one's told you yet.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Mon 13 Jun, 2016 09:59 am
@UnsureOne,
Why would it be awkward to spend time with your best friends girlfriend? you should be friends, if not good friends.

__

Why ... because you already are the other woman.

You need to think about why you're continuing your behaviour with someone who is in a relationship.

It's hard to think of any positive to say about a guy who is hiding such a good friend from his girlfriend. He needs to sort that out on his own.

UnsureOne
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 Jun, 2016 12:18 pm
@jespah,
Hmm, I have realised I am.
When I say 'sexual', I mean we openly speak about masturbation or just on the topic itself, not "I am so horny right now blah, blah". But we speak pretty heavily on the subject, just not sex to each other in that way? Does that make sense?

Yeah, I was in a long term relationship prior, and I would be very pissed off too if I knew he was speaking to some random girl all the time.. There is no need for it.

You really think he hasn't mentioned me to her? He said he brought him up about something, he said to her, "My friend Vicki blah blah.." He also brought it up out of the blue that he said something to her.. Was a little random in the moment. He re-mentioned that I was offended about him not telling her.

I'm so sorry, what do you mean by this.. "He sounds constitutionally incapable of confrontation, preferring instead to passively allow it to happen to him.
" ?

Wow, work husband so correct.. Hmm, I believe he would possibly leave over me, I quiet enjoy my job, where he doesn't.. I think it wouldn't get ugly.. I would get hurt if anything.

I honestly don't think I would ever hang with both of them.. I feel it would be almost uncomfortable.. So, you're right, it wouldn't happen.
UnsureOne
 
  1  
Reply Mon 13 Jun, 2016 12:28 pm
@ehBeth,
Because I genuinely like him, and my gut feeling is that he might have something for me too.. Don't know why I torture myself..

I know.. I felt a little crappy when I found out I knew she I didn't exist.. because it's like, Am I not worthy to talk about?! Or is it another reason?! You know?
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Mon 13 Jun, 2016 01:45 pm
@UnsureOne,
I don't discuss masturbation with my pals. It's kinda private. Of course, YMMV, but still, this is an intimate thing you are discussing, and it's at work, ferchrissakes.

Yeah, I do think he has said nothing or almost nothing. If you are "my friend Vicki" you are most likely not "my friend Vicki who I discuss whacking off with".

He is safe for you, in a lot of ways, just like anyone's crush on an unavailable person is. It keeps you from bothering to look for someone on your own. Instead, you get to consider intimacy with someone who should not be providing it. You don't get close to other people because this guy is fulfilling the need for these discussions, etc. All that's missing is the kissing and the rest like that.

On his side of things, he gets to talk about something more fun than work with someone who is receptive to such talks and doesn't call HR on him (which you should; this is utterly inappropriate). It helps him pass the time in a job he hates. It's also safe avoidance behavior for him; he gets to have some fun at work without the pesky business of looking for another job. He also gets to have fun with you without the pesky business of a relationship, complete with someone telling him to pick up his dirty socks off the floor, or someone whose meal he pays for, or whose parents he has to be nice to.

This is a lousy dead end, and you are seeing that it's also a situation where you will be the one hurt.

Again, time to suggest hanging with the girlfriend - because, quiet specifically, this guy will dance around the subject and will find a way to weasel out of it. You might want to think about that in terms of mate material. Even if he became available tomorrow, would you someone who's so damned spineless? Perhaps I am projecting, and maybe I am wrong, but by insisting on this, you get the rubber to meet the road.

Oh, and please try to meet other men. Not necessarily at work, but do put yourself out there. You'll wake up one day, be older, and will wonder why the hell you wasted so much time.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 14 Jun, 2016 09:54 am
@UnsureOne,
from a girlfriend's perspective

http://able2know.org/topic/327894-1#post-6204140
UnsureOne
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jun, 2016 09:35 am
@jespah,
Hmmm, I don't know if it's a 'bro' thing we talk about it so freely.. Or if there's more to it.

I think he's said something about me, but it was be very small, and he wouldn't of made a big deal of it.

You are right, very right. It's funny, I guess he gets the same stimulations from me, but he has a girl on the other side, where I have no one.

Okay, I will mention hanging/meeting his girlfriend, see what he says. I never would of suggested it prior cause I have no real desire to meet her.. I know seeing them together will crush me, but I'm tough, gotta do it, and it would help me get over him.
No, I like your honesty, I honestly believe in his eyes, it's purely friendship based, so he doesn't feel there is any issue with how much he speaks to me. (If I was with my bf at the time and he was doing it, I would be so mad).

I do, I have certain hobbies/interests where I meet men all the time. (In a good friendly way of course). So I am getting out there a lot, it's just hard to focus on other men at times, it's true, and it's because I am being held back and blocked.. hmm.

Thank you for your honesty and advice. Appreciate it a lot. Smile
0 Replies
 
UnsureOne
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jun, 2016 09:41 am
@ehBeth,
Reading this, it's awful for the other girl to be like that.
In my eyes, yes, I know he has a girlfriend, but I never insinuate sexual stuff to each other, (in a dirty way). And we are actual friends, not just work colleagues.
I guess I feel I am not like this girl because she is trying to break them up and is disrespectful to his girlfriend, which I am the complete opposite, I am very encouraging and supportive.
But thank you for sending me the link. Was a interesting read.
Leadfoot
 
  2  
Reply Wed 15 Jun, 2016 10:29 am
@UnsureOne,
Would you consider just being his friend while knowing he is someone else's partner?

If not, why?
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jun, 2016 10:46 am
@UnsureOne,
UnsureOne wrote:
And we are actual friends, not just work colleagues.


a real friend would be part of his social life outside of work - including spending time with his girlfriend
UnsureOne
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jun, 2016 10:53 am
@ehBeth,
We spend together outside of work.. Just not with his girlfriend.
Hmm, you make me question our friendship.. Cause I know we have a real connection together, and you don't get that with everybody you're friends with. I see what you mean when you say I don't hang out with her though..
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jun, 2016 10:55 am
@UnsureOne,
do you spend time with his family? other friends?
does he go with you to spend time with your family/friends?
UnsureOne
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jun, 2016 10:56 am
@Leadfoot,
Well I am his friend, have been for awhile now. So yes, I would be his friend for sure. I wouldn't want to lose him either.
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Wed 15 Jun, 2016 10:58 am
@UnsureOne,
Put yourself in his girlfriend's position.... how would you feel if this was going on if you were her?

Be his friend only - he is taken now and it is up to him to decide whether he wants to stay with his girlfriend or not. Until then he is taken and should not be free for you to grab.

And to be honest this doesn't sound like someone that is an ideal mate for a long term relationship -
[img]So, this guy, doesn't drive (cause of his anxiety), works in a dead end job like me, (not knowing what to do with life), hates himself, literally self loathes himself[/img]
UnsureOne
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jun, 2016 11:00 am
@ehBeth,
He only has a brother and mum that he usually sees. And no I never met either.
He has spent time with our friends before. He really is an anti social person, he finds it hard to go to those sort of things.
I mean we hanged out today for awhile and grabbed a drink before I had to go out dancing..
I see where you're getting at though.
In all honesty, he only has two real friends. Myself and his friend who now sadly lives in Melbourne. (And his girlfriend used to be his best friend). I am not even joking about his friends, he really isn't that social at all.
0 Replies
 
UnsureOne
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jun, 2016 11:03 am
@Linkat,
Oh I know I would be upset and angry if I was in her shoes. I mean why speak to someone everyday, I feel when you're with someone there is no need too..

I am only being his friend. I would never ever dare to act on it. I am even afraid to tell him how I feel.. I feel I should tell him cause I don't want to hold back feelings, even though I know nothing will change.. I guess getting it out there is something.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 15 Jun, 2016 11:08 am
@UnsureOne,
UnsureOne wrote:
I feel I should tell him cause I don't want to hold back feelings, even though I know nothing will change


what if he chooses to end his friendship with you completely?

will you be comfortable telling his girlfriend how you feel about her boyfriend?

 

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