Liking your best friend who has a girlfriend

Reply Wed 25 May, 2016 09:10 pm
So, this guy and I are work friends. We've known each other for a year now, and in that year, we have become very close, pretty much best friends. He is not your typical guy, he is very much an introvert, doesn't have many close friends, he has depression and anxiety issues too. (I never judge him, and he doesn't judge me, regardless).
So, since December last year was the time we really spoke every day, for long periods of times. We've spoke obviously previously, but not every day in full conversations and random topics. It takes a lot for him to open up and trust someone. Previously we were having conversations where it would take up to two hours trying to replying to this damn messages! (This was going on for awhile). Then we started chatting with out huge 'novels', which was more enjoyable. I mean even now we speak like we're writing a novel, it just escalates so fast. But anyway, to this day, we 'Snap' everyday, (for those who don't know what snap is, it's an app that you take photos, videos and message, and send it to each other, and the photos or videos only lasts ten seconds. So we literally do that for up to eight hours in the day until work, then again after? Every night we speak, for hours. (He has insomnia, and I don't sleep well either). So we chat a lot in the early hours of the morning or all day on our days off.
He has issues with seeing people, he's made a huge effort to catch up with me before work for a few hours. We will go chill, get some food, laugh, it's so nice. I really cherish those moments.
We speak very in depth about everything. We are very open.. I have literally told him everything about me, besides me having feelings for him.
When I first met him a year ago, there was a sudden attraction, and I was hooked.
He has told me, he takes awhile to develop feelings for someone. With his girlfriend, they were also best friends before they started dating. She told him first that she liked him, and it took him a good six months to develop feelings for her back.
Him and his girlfriend have been dating for three years now.. they have never lived with each other. He is 24, and she is 29. She rents with friends, and he lives with his mother still. But this year they are moving out and renting, he told me she is 'pushing' it more then him, but he feels it's the 'right thing to do', and his mothers lease is up at their house, so he has to move out before then, which is August.
Anyway, everyone at work suspects he has feelings for me, by the way we are around each other, he gets all close and a little touchy, obviously not overly touchy cause that would be weird at work. We talk sexually a lot, we are very open, and speak about whatever comes to mind. We are such dorks together, we make each other laugh constantly. He said the other day, that I'm his only comfort at work, and that our shifts together are his favourite. We speak a lot about valuing each other, and how much we mean to one another. It's taken a lot for him to feel 'close' and 'trusting' to someone so fast with how he is.
I just don't know what to do, I want to tell him about my feelings, but I'm scared. I know he wouldn't disown me or anything, I just don't want all our silly jokes and topics of conversations to change. I mean, we speak everyday. That to me, is huge?! I couldn't possibly lose someone that I'm so close too.
Also, his girlfriend had no idea I existed until recently. How can someone be so close to someone and not tell their girlfriend? Who talks to someone every day and not mention it to their girlfriend? I told him I was a little shocked and almost offended she didn't know who I was.. His excuse was 'he doesn't talk about work to her', she I said, 'I am not work related, I am your friend'. Anyway, we worked it out.
So, this guy, doesn't drive (cause of his anxiety), works in a dead end job like me, (not knowing what to do with life), hates himself, literally self loathes himself, and can't see why someone would ever find him attractive.
There is so much more to write, but I wont. I just need advice...
Do I tell him, or leave it? I don't want a 'What If...', but what if he doesn't feel that way and I make an ass of myself. I get very anxious thinking of telling him... I have been meaning to tell him for months how I feel, but I keep chickening out.. I don't want to be the 'other girl'...
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Debra Law
Reply Wed 25 May, 2016 11:43 pm
It sounds like your "best friend" is cheating on his girlfriend. He's having an emotional affair with you. You fulfill his needs for conversation and intimacy, and his girlfriend would feel very threatened and betrayed if she knew about your extended daily contact. Your "best friend" is moving forward with his relationship and planning to live with his girlfriend. Accordingly, I think you need to back off because you're going to get very hurt.

If he asks why you're backing away from the "friendship", tell him the truth: That you're starting to have feelings for him that are deeper than friendship, but he is already in a committed relationship. You need to distance yourself from him in order to protect yourself from heartache.

Of course, that's only a suggestion. It's your life and your choices. Maybe, because you said you're working a dead-end job, you might want to explore the possibility of going to college or getting some career counseling. You should probably find a hobby to keep yourself busy. Maybe you might want to learn how to play the piano or paint landscapes. The possibilities are endless. You need something for you, perhaps a new path in life that will be more rewarding than the one you're on. Best wishes.
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Debra Law
Reply Wed 25 May, 2016 11:56 pm
Instead of spending all your spare time speaking to this unavailable man via electronic communications, perhaps you could invest those many, many hours into becoming a master penman and calligrapher. Just a suggestion, but it would occupy your mind and you could practice, practice, practice. It could lead you to into a new career if you become good at it. Although there exist many websites and videos on the subject, I enjoy this video the most:

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Reply Sun 19 Feb, 2017 10:18 pm
if you like him then you should have to talk about it with him
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Reply Mon 20 Feb, 2017 12:30 am

I'll give you different advice than you'll normally get here. First thing is, there is nothing wrong at all how you feel. You don't know his relationship with his girlfriend might lack something that he gets from you. Why is it hes spending 8 hours talking to you instead of her? Maybe they don't have a real connection.

On the other hand he could possibly be using you to make his work life more pleasant. If his job sucks its better if you have someone you can play around with. So he might be keeping you on a leash to have you as his work girlfriend.

That's all speculation though. I don't know him as well as you do so I have to guess. But I'll just say two last things.

I personally think having a romantic relationship with a co-worker is bad. But since you aren't making a career at this job maybe it's worth the risk of having to leave it if;

You really think there could be something there with him and you its worth the risk of rejection. If he rejects you romantically its not the end if the world, there will always be another opportunity.

You have to keep in mind though, if he is willing to emotionally cheat on his girlfriend with having long conversations with you, what stops him from doing this again with another girl if you two happen to get together? He should have told you he is involved and its not fair to his girlfriend. This to me shows he doesn't respect their relationship so why would you assume he would respect yours?

To me the things you say about him don't really sound like appealing traits. Hes depressed, working a shitty job, living with his mother at 24 years old? And seeking your attention emotionally cheating. What exactly do you find appealing than wanting to save him from himself. He is not confident, self loathing. That would get annoying to constantly hear.

Tell us, what is it that you are attracted to him?
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Reply Wed 22 Feb, 2017 02:11 pm
Honesty is the best policy, go ahead and tell him how you feel about him. Otherwise, you'll never have peace of mind. You'll always wonder, "What If?". On my last day of high school, there a girl that I knew for about 4 years who revealed she had a crush on me for all that time, but never said a word and I never even saw a hint she liked me. I had a girlfriend in high school for most of the time so that's probably why she stayed away. Anyway, on our very last day of school she told me and I was glad she did (for her sake). I did give her a kiss, so she wouldn't have to wonder and that was it. Years later at a reunion she was so glad she had told me and that she loved that kiss, but she knew that we could have probably never made it as a couple and she married a very wonderful man, with whom she is still married and has several children.

So I say go for it!
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