the very concept of "self-hating Jew" is based on the idea that Jews MUST behave in a tribal way
Who said “Two Jews, three opinions.”? I like the story about the Jew who was discovered after years of living alone on a desert island. His rescuers noticed that he had built two huts aside from the one he lived in. He told the puzzled people who saved him that they were shuls, or synagogues. When asked why he needed two shuls, he replied, “One is the one in which I pray, and the other is the one into which I would never set foot.”
The British Jewish Chronicle has a section called "Rabbi, I have a problem". The questions are always answered by two rabbis, one Orthodox and one Reform. The readers' problems cover all topics - "Which husband should be buried with?" (Orthodox: you decide, Reform: you decide), "Can I give my pet horse a Jewish funeral? (Orthodox: no!, Reform: why not?). They don't always agree, but one they were united on was "Is it my religious duty to support Israel?".
The Orthodox guy said [Israel is important but] "this does not mean that the state of Israel is imbued with intrinsic sanctity ... Nor does it mean that the only place to live a fulfilling Jewish life is in Israel ... It does not mean that one must slavishly support the policies of the Israeli government ... Nor does it mean that one must conflate Israel with Judaism".
The Reform guy said: "... self-evidently your lack of feelings towards a political state the other side of the Mediterranean does not disqualify you from being Jewish. Nor need it stop others from considering you a good Jew ... It is also worth pointing out the unpleasant fact that if, though may it never happen, Israel were to be destroyed, Judaism would carry on, as it did before, and Jews would be no less Jewish ... [Israel is important but] that is not to say that everything that Israel does is right or defensible, and, just as with Britain, there can be a big distinction between one’s attitude to the policies of the government of the day and to the country as a whole. Of course, identification with Israel can be taken to extremes. Putting attachment to the land over moral actions is breaking Hillel’s dictum* and veers towards blasphemy. Alternatively, British Jews who make Israel their sole mark of Jewish identity and ignore all other aspects of Jewish life are also problematic. Balance is a much under-estimated religious concept, and applies here too."
*Hillel’s one sentence summary of Judaism: “What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbour; the rest is commentary”