I can't stay faithful

You keep saying the same stuff over and over. You basically have 2 husbands right now. The first one is committed to you, you know he wont cheat or leave... and you are taking advantage of that. Taking him for granted. The second husband lets you live for the attention and whatever kinky stuff you wanna do. Do you want someone to find a way for you to stay with both of them? Its not going to happen unless they both want the same thing: an open relationship. Your husband #1 (the one with the kids) doesn't want that kind of relationship. Does husband #2 even know about him? You don't love husband #1, and you're breaking his heart stringing him along with false love. What you want trumps what he wants. Go get all the attention you crave, but don't get into a relationship with a committed person until you are sure commitment is what you are ready for. Otherwise you are only using that person as a security blanket.

I believe what you said, but unfortunately there is no solution to the problem using socially accepted rules. You have to either accept them or find your own.

Doing the former gives no lasting satisfaction and the latter can be lonely.

There is no shame in trying to find happiness within societies' rules and a measure of it can be found. It all depends on what you are willing to settle for. Personally, I'm holding out for better rules and betting things get better after this party is over.

The guy I was messing around with was my old neighbor. He was married and now that I moved overseas that is done and over. Things happened, I got hurt, he messed up, etc. Now I am overseas trying to convince my mind that I am better than that. I am not interested in starting another sexual relationship.

Very true. I think part is because open marriages became more talked about than they used to. It is taboo but also easy to think that is a real solition to my problem. It is like if i get to be in a relationship than so should my husband. In the end someone would get hurt and our kids would be stuck. I am not asking for approval of what I did. I am trying to figure out how to prevent it again. Im holding onto hope that cheaters can change.

Has your situation got better? I noticed it's been a few months since you Posted this. Your need is emotional and mental, not necessarily sexual.