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I think my Dad is over-controlling...am I in the wrong?

 
 
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 01:13 pm
Hello, the first thing I want to do here is apologize if this is a it rough- I have never posted a question on an internet site similar to this before. My parents recently caught me watching pornography, I am 15 years old and a boy. I understand that I should have gotten punished for it, but I think my parents have over-reacted. My Mom isn't really the problem, it's my Dad. My Mom always listens to what my Dad says, no matter what...it's like she's his slave. They love each other, but I feel like my Mom doesn't have a say in anything. For example, I'll ask my Mom a question, and my Dad will come and answer it, out of nowhere. My Mom just ignores me. As I was saying, I had always been controlled on the Internet, and other things like it or on it. On my phone, my parents downloaded an app called 'Screentime.' I didn't mind this, as I do have problems managing myself on time on the internet. It was fine until the started blocking my social apps, Instagram, Skype, Kik, and even messaging. I kind of argued about this, but learned to accept it...if only because every time I argued it got worse. I am homeschooled, and my Dad lets me use his old laptop to do work, because he doesn't think I can manage myself on this computer. On his computer, I started watching porn, about a week before I got caught, I don't know why did. I thought I had broken this habit a long time ago, it just came back. My Dad, when he found out, was pissed, rightfully so. He then took my PC, downloaded two internet management apps. 'Netnanny,' and 'K9WebProtection.' I was okay with this when I first heard about this, but then as I looked more in depth as to what he and blocked, I was more and more frustrated. He blocked Ask.com, which is why I am here now. He blocked Yahoo.com, so again, that's why I am here. He blocked all the mainstream question sites. I had to find a roundabout way to this site, without directly searching for a questions site. He blocked Skype on my PC, just like on my phone, but this made me extremely frustrated, as play online games a lot, so as far as all my contacts know, I just left. I own a group on one of these online games, that I keep running for other people. He blocked the site I run it from. He also blocked Google Chrome, so I'm stuck using Internet Explorer now..fun. He blocked Steam, and a bunch of other sites that I haven't looked at yet. So, am I the one in the wrong here? Is my situation normal? If not, what should I do? Again, I am only 15 years old, and I am a guy. Thank you for your time in reading this. I hope you have a nice day wherever you are. Smile
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Type: Question • Score: 10 • Views: 2,074 • Replies: 53

 
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 01:21 pm
@Jordan7921,
I read carefully through what you wrote and I have come to this conclusion. You are a typical 15 year old with typical parents.

Every 15 year old since the Stone Age has gone through this... sure they didn't have the internet, but Stone age 15 year olds were complaining that their parents were keeping them from tablets or cave paintings.

Every one of us has gone through what you are going through. And every one of us who are now parents are going through this with our kids. There is no good answer to whether your father is right or not. But, he is your father. In twenty years or so you can look back and decide if he did a good job or not. Parents and kids have to figure this out for themselves.

Be patient with your parents, and be respectful. Someday you may have kids of your own and you will understand things from their side.
Jordan7921
 
  2  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 01:39 pm
@maxdancona,

Thank you for your insight and quick response, I always try to be helpful with my parents, wherever I can...but I'll take your advice and continue to do so. Again, have a nice day. Smile
engineer
 
  2  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 01:47 pm
@Jordan7921,
There might be value in picking a few sites that are really of value to you and making a reasonable presentation to your father of why he should unblock them. Right now, he is using a broad stroke to make his point, but a well considered argument might sway him as well as showing him your maturity.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 01:52 pm
@Jordan7921,
Sounds controlling in many ways, to me. Is he always instructing you and your mother? Do you ever just talk as a family or you with him about something of mutual interest? Your mother ignoring you?

I'm a long way from fifteen and a woman, but I remember it. I didn't have that kind of controlling parents at fifteen or ever. I did have some big differences with my mother, in my mind even now, with her long passed and missed - mostly with good reason, but those episodes weren't until some years later. I was becoming interested in life around me and she was pretty closed, her long time life pretty much a "You should", both from her family and her church. But she was able to have a good laugh and enjoyment, even within that strict olden time framework,

At fifteen, you are on the cusp of growing up, with a lot of things to be interested in and figure out on the way to your own adulthood, not too long from now. Being an adult is a continuing process; I'll say it comes in increments.
Hang in there.

I'll be interested in what others say re your problem. I do understand Max's point.
dalehileman
 
  0  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 02:12 pm
@Jordan7921,
Dan, it's a bit wordy but to gain more response ought to be presented in paras (organized in some logical fashion), preferably indented w/carriage returns between. The first should summarize

With much credit to Max, Osso, Saab, and any coming
saab
 
  4  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 02:14 pm
To me it seems as your father is over-controlling. In these days I would agree on there are things which are very bad in internet, but also many interesting things.
It is important to learn the difference of the good sites and bad ones. You do not learn when things are just blocked.
I think you should ask your father to let you have some programs and not block everything.
It is important you have contact with other young people especially as you
are home schooled. I do not know the reason why, but again it sounds a bit like controlling too if you do not live far away from a school.
CalamityJane
 
  3  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 02:26 pm
@dalehileman,
dalehileman wrote:

Dan, it's a bit wordy but to gain more response ought to be presented in paras (organized in some logical fashion), preferably indented w/carriage returns between. The first should summarize

With much credit to Max, Osso, Saab, and any coming


You just posted that entire paragraph somewhere else too - what the hell is wrong with you?
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  3  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 02:32 pm
@Jordan7921,
Well, not too long ago my daughter was 15 years old (she's almost 21 now) and I had to control her social media as well. However, unlike your father, I did not block any sites for her, she just had to give me the passwords and I checked here whereabouts online every evening.
You don't teach teens by controlling them and blocking out everything they're friends are on and they need to socialize with each other. Especially in your case where you're homeschooled, you need to rely on outside friends and I am sure they don't live exactly around the corner, so it's essential for you to use social media to keep in contact.

As for the porn, don't worry - you are a teenager with raging hormones. It's perfectly natural to get more information about the opposite sex and sex in general. I see nothing wrong with that, but then again, I am very liberal and have no religious affiliation. I am almost certain that your parents are very religious and your father very dominant.

In order to be on his good side, you have to show him that he can trust you and that you're not disobeying his orders pertaining to social media and hopefully he'll regain the trust in you. It won't be tomorrow, it takes time to trust again, but if he's not a total control freak, he'll get around to it.
Jordan7921
 
  -1  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 02:55 pm
@ossobuco,
He doesn't always tell both of us to do whatever he wants, but just last night, I wanted to talk to my Mom alone. He said "You can't talk to either of us alone, you're too manipulative." Which upset me, as you might imagine. Just last week, I told both of them that the right way way to manage my time for homeschooling was to take my gaming PC away until I had completed the amount of work for that day. I explained this to them both in depth, and than for the next week my Dad proceeded to hound me constantly, stressing me out, and in the end, I barely got anything done. He still always thinks he's right, in any case, and refuses to listen to me and the way I function the best. My Mom ignores me because my Dad has pounded into her head that I'm manipulative, and will trick her into helping me.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 03:12 pm
@Jordan7921,
I never had that fury since they didn't treat me like that. I can understand your reaction. I've had some fury later in life.

It is hard to adapt to the real world if you have been cosseted from it. I somewhat was, not as strongly so as you are, and did my changing gradually over time, the anger showing up when I was in my twenties.
At fifteen, I'd suggest biding your time but continue learning. I somewhat did that, as a mad reading teen (that was pre internet, and still works).

Again, I'm interested in what others are saying here.
Also interested in if you have any people to talk with, that you trust.
0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 06:06 pm
@CalamityJane,
Quote:
As for the porn, don't worry - you are a teenager with raging hormones. It's perfectly natural to get more information about the opposite sex and sex in general. I see nothing wrong with that, but then again, I am very liberal and have no religious affiliation. I am almost certain that your parents are very religious and your father very dominant.


I disagree with you about porn Jane. Porn is not a very good way to get information about the "opposite sex" (meaning women) or about sex in general.

The reason that I didn't let my sons watch porn when they were 15 had nothing to do with being uptight about sex. It was the fact that porn has nothing to do with real sex, and someone who bases relationships with women based on what they see in porn is going to have problems when they meet real women.

I told my oldest son, when he was caught watching porn, that he could watch whatever he wanted... and I would pay for it on one condition. He had to watch it with me... and he had to listen to my commentary on what was happening.

(Actually I am quite glad that he didn't take me up on that offer... it would have likely been uncomfortable for both of us).





CalamityJane
 
  3  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 06:22 pm
@maxdancona,
That's the typical uptight baloney everyone believes and that's
probably the reason why porn is such a huge issue in the United States.
A 15 year old boy has raging hormones and they look at porn either on the internet or buy porn magazines. All boys that age do it around the world, only in the US they make a big deal of it and it becomes an even bigger deal later on.

You know why it is such a huge problem in the United States? Because they have had a distorted view of it from a young age on.
maxdancona
 
  -3  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 06:52 pm
@CalamityJane,
Three questions CalamityJane.

Do you have kids?

Are you aware of what typical porn consists of?

How is porn in the US any more of an issue than it is in Canada?
ossobuco
 
  3  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 06:57 pm
@maxdancona,
Have you read the thread?
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 07:00 pm
In the "old days" guys would use National Geographic or Playboy to look at females naked or provocative.

Todays porno is not the same as it used to be and there are some really sick porno sites out there that give such a distorted view of human interactions (some with animals)

Go to the largest big city art museum to study or gaze at the female body. That's probably what the curiosity is all about.

But today's porn for a 15 year old? Nah.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 07:48 pm
@CalamityJane,
CalamityJane wrote:

That's the typical uptight baloney everyone believes and that's
probably the reason why porn is such a huge issue in the United States.
A 15 year old boy has raging hormones and they look at porn either on the internet or buy porn magazines. All boys that age do it around the world, only in the US they make a big deal of it and it becomes an even bigger deal later on.



Unfortunately Jane, the internet has opened the floodgates of all sorts of pornography that isn't just people having sex.

I would task you with looking for some porn on your computer tonight, and see how quickly you'll be funneled into areas where I think you wouldn't want to stay long.
If you say you're not going to do that, you don't want to look at porn, then you really don't realize that it's practically impossible to simply find images, videos of people having plain old sex that doesn't involve anything else.


Humiliation, violence, degradation and extreme objectification is quite the norm now.

What can and is freely accessed today in no way resembles what was out there in the 70's and 80's, and before that.

I'm just sayin'

To the OP, the good thing is you are 15 now. In 2 years and some months you will be 18.
CalamityJane
 
  2  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 08:12 pm
@maxdancona,
Yes, I said that before in my initial post - my daughter is almost 21 years old.
I don't know if it is an issue in Canada, I am from Europe. When I turned 18 I wanted 2 things - go to a strip club and see one of those sleezy porn movies in a theater. Gosh that was so much fun and despite all the ugliness around that, it was a great experience to see.

My daughter was walking through the red light district in Amsterdam when she was 16 years old. It was quite educational for her and she felt sorry for the girls sitting in the windows half naked and promoting their services.

The biggest porn industry is in the United States, you can prohibit all you want, sooner or later they'll see it and that's it.
0 Replies
 
CalamityJane
 
  3  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 08:17 pm
@chai2,
No Chai, I haven't seen porn in ages and I am sure it has changed over the years, when we were young and made fun of it. However, the United States comes with millions of warning signs, so I am almost certain that no minor is able to see true porn without paying for the site.
Since the OP's parents are so strict, I assume he has no credit card where he can charge the porn sites too. What he is probably able to see are the harmless pictures of naked girls in provocative poses. Look what they've done (his parents) - by prohibiting him from accessing social media and a few porn sites, this has become a real issue for him. Of course, my guess is that his parents - especially dad - are religious fanatics who home school in order to indoctrinate their own views into that kid. Not my style....
oralloy
 
  1  
Reply Fri 22 Apr, 2016 10:58 pm
@Jordan7921,
Jordan7921 wrote:
For example, I'll ask my Mom a question, and my Dad will come and answer it, out of nowhere. My Mom just ignores me.
Jordan7921 wrote:
He doesn't always tell both of us to do whatever he wants, but just last night, I wanted to talk to my Mom alone. He said "You can't talk to either of us alone, you're too manipulative." Which upset me, as you might imagine.

It certainly sounds like a dysfunctional family. But it could be worse. Some parents are violent or are drug addicts.

It would be good if your father allowed you to interact with your mother though.

At the moment I can't think of any particularly good advice on how to achieve that goal.
 

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