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I think my Dad is over-controlling...am I in the wrong?

 
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 23 Apr, 2016 06:41 pm
@Jordan7921,
I get you, re your last post
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sat 23 Apr, 2016 06:48 pm
@ossobuco,
I don't mean to be nosy, only where you are generally re possible help.
CalamityJane
 
  2  
Reply Sat 23 Apr, 2016 06:48 pm
@Jordan7921,
Is there no high school where you live or why are you homeschooled?
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sat 23 Apr, 2016 07:06 pm
@Jordan7921,
Is there a reason you cannot attend a public high school?
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  4  
Reply Sun 24 Apr, 2016 05:04 pm
Just in relation to your father calling you manipulative, and you not understanding why.

It appears that the likely explanation may be something like this - you and your father think very differently. You seem to have a good sense of who you are, but don't yet have the skills to deal with someone who deals with conflict with his child through domineering his child. This would be achieved by pretty much his insisting on the same outcome over & over, with little variation to what he wants.

In contrast to that method : If you say something he doesn't understand, he gets up you, and then you try to explain things from a different perspective - and he still doesn't understand what you are saying...it's quite possible that he will conclude that you are trying to manipulate him.

The more this sort of scenario plays out, the more manipulative he will believe you to be.

With someone like this, it is best to stick to a very similar explanation. With how you need to learn - it is likely you will need to have the same conversation over with him multiple times. And - to reinforce that, you need also to point out that you have told him this exact same thing previously...and then next time you again have the same conversation...and again mention that you are saying the same thing each time.

Basically the longer the pattern goes, the more you make the conversation about how this conversation and information keeps getting replayed...and how he keeps not listening.

If you use this technique (and any technique), make sure it's always done respectfully - no one ever truly listens to the content of a voice filled with condescension (or any other form of disrespect).

Eventually, people (Person A) feel the need to listen to a person (Person B) who keeps telling them (Person A) the same thing about how they (Person B) work inside their (Person B's) own self.

----------------------------------------------------------

As for how he parents you - you'll probably find that he learned that method from a combination of:
- his parents example (the primary source)
- his values/beliefs
- his own gained knowledge/skills

In any of those people can fall over, or stand up.

We each have our own strengths and weaknesses. While living with him, you may wish to try and see him for the human being he is, with all his strengths, and weaknesses. It may make things easier in how you approach dealing with this issue.

Best wishes.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 Apr, 2016 05:15 pm
@vikorr,
I like your post generally, vikorr, but have one mild disagreement - I have changed my mind after a derogatory/disrespecting comment about some subject. Not right away, but the comment remained in my mind like a musical earworm, and I rethought the matter.

I agree it's unusual to suddenly listen and learn from disrespecting voices but it can happen. This was years ago, and I've no idea now what the "discussion" was about.
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 Apr, 2016 05:25 pm
@ossobuco,
Hi Osso. I agree with you - however in a post covering multiple points, I personally don't find it helpful to others to talk about exceptions to the rule - because there are always exceptions, and even degrees to the exceptions - and I find that to mention such after each bit of advice starts confusing things.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 Apr, 2016 05:30 pm
@vikorr,
Nods.
0 Replies
 
Jordan7921
 
  3  
Reply Sun 24 Apr, 2016 09:23 pm
@ossobuco,
No, you're fine. My parents had just gotten home, so I had to go quickly.

Maybe, like you said, I'm pretty sure it's worse for my Mom than it is for me. I don't think my situation is as bad as you think...but, sometimes someone from outside of the family can see the situation better.

As of two days ago, my parents got a family therapist. I hope that this works this time, because I really like the guy so far. Our past record with therapists isn't the best, to be honest.
Jordan7921
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 Apr, 2016 09:26 pm
@CalamityJane,
The closest high school to me is over an hour and a half away. As I said before, I live in a very small town, with approximately 1200 people. There is no busing that comes to where I live from the school, and the school isn't a great one. My parents have always preferred private schools, of which there are none near us.
0 Replies
 
Jordan7921
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 Apr, 2016 09:52 pm
@vikorr,
(I don't know if I did this quote right, hopefully I did)
Quote:
If you say something he doesn't understand, he gets up you, and then you try to explain things from a different perspective - and he still doesn't understand what you are saying...it's quite possible that he will conclude that you are trying to manipulate him.


I think you just explained everything, right there. I'll take your advice, I'll talk to him like you said. Sticking to a similar explanation every time I talk to him about this.

As for his parenting, his Dad (My Grandfather) was very strict. At least from what my Mom has told me, as well as my aunts/uncles.
As for his values and beliefs, he is very traditional. He is a Christian, but he's not overly religious, like my Mom is.
I would describe him as analytical. he knows how to solve problems, albeit with family/relationships, not so much.

We have these random spots where he understands what I'm saying, and we get along perfectly for a couple of days. Then something will happen at work, or home. The most recent of which being my Mom scammed out of a deal, which I talked about previously. After these events, he tightens up his control, likely as a result of stress. Another thing which happened recently, is my Mom having to get surgery on her shoulder. She's been bedridden (..Chair-ridden?) for a week or so.
0 Replies
 
oralloy
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 Apr, 2016 10:01 pm
@Jordan7921,
Jordan7921 wrote:
As of two days ago, my parents got a family therapist.

If you are allowed to see this therapist too (even with your parents present), you should address these issues with him.
Jordan7921
 
  1  
Reply Sun 24 Apr, 2016 10:05 pm
@oralloy,
I plan too, and thankfully I have time to be alone with him. But as I said in the post, we don't have the best record on maintaining a therapist.
0 Replies
 
Robert Gentel
 
  1  
Reply Mon 25 Apr, 2016 04:23 am
@Jordan7921,
Jordan7921 wrote:
So, am I the one in the wrong here? Is my situation normal?


Your parents are having an overbearing reaction, and it is more excessive than normal.

Quote:
If not, what should I do?


Not much you can do as a minor you have to live by these rules till you can be legally free to make your own choices. In my opinion you should try to work with them and not fight it too much, you only have a few years till you are an adult.
0 Replies
 
 

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