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My fiance has just cancelled our wedding

 
 
Reply Wed 20 Apr, 2016 07:59 am
I posted last week about not liking my soon to be sister-in-law (STBSIL) (link here http://able2know.org/topic/317243-1)

Anyway things have come to ahead today - 10 days before we're due to get married. His parents are not speaking to us, they're ignoring my daughter (ffs she's 10months old she doesn't know whats going on) and will only speak to us if I apologise and take everything back. I refuse, I feel strongly that STBSIL should not be driving my daughter around, and I will not be bullied into doing or saying something that I don't believe or am uncomfortable with.

So Fiance has cancelled the wedding, he's said we're over because I refuse to put my issues aside to keep the peace. He feels torn between us (me and daughter) and them, he doesn't want issues at the wedding so thats it it's over.

I have tried to explain myself to my in-laws, I've tried to make things right and have been civil with them when I've seen them. But I will not apologise for how I feel. They're the ones being petty, they're the ones who refuse to accept my feelings on the matter because I dared say something bad about they're perfect daughter.

I'm sat here in tears, he'd choose them over me after the way they treated him. He won't even try and talk them round, as apparently this is my mess to sort out.

If he moves out, he'll have nowhere to go, his parents have made it clear they won't ever take him back for more than one night, his grandparents have his aunt and her 3 children living with them so have no room and the rest of his family live all over the country, no close enough to his work.

I was told I needed to assert myself more but this is why I don't because when I do everything falls apart.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 14 • Views: 2,225 • Replies: 30

 
CoastalRat
 
  5  
Reply Wed 20 Apr, 2016 08:45 am
@SansaBaby,
Two things. First, you have every right (and a responsibility) to decide who you put your daughter in a car with. Your notes make it sound that future SIL simply wants to drive her around. What is even the point of driving your daughter around? Just to show her off? I would be concerned simply over that idea. Your daughter's safety and well being should be your #1 priority. Good for you to stick to your guns.

Second, if fiance does not recognize that you and your daughter should be prioritized over anyone and everyone in his (and your) family, then maybe it is a good thing he cancelled the wedding. Next thing you need to do is ask him to get out of your house so you can get on with your life and find someone who will put you first. (In most states, you may have to give him 30 days notice to get out, but that does not mean you have to let him sleep in your bed. The couch would be just fine.)

ehBeth
 
  5  
Reply Wed 20 Apr, 2016 08:50 am
@SansaBaby,
SansaBaby wrote:
I was told I needed to assert myself more but this is why I don't because when I do everything falls apart.


Sounds like things have a chance to be better now.

Removing that dreadful family from your daughter's life is good.

Is he still your fiance after cancelling your wedding? isn't he your ex now? time for both of you to grow up and move forward. You've both got a daughter who needs mature parents who take her safety and care seriously and value it highly.

After reading those two threads it doesn't seem like anything has fallen apart other than the bad idea to continue in a relationship with your daughter's father. Time for him to step up to the responsibilities of fatherhood.

Hopefully you will both have learned something and be better partners in your next relationships.
0 Replies
 
SansaBaby
 
  2  
Reply Wed 20 Apr, 2016 10:07 am
@CoastalRat,
I'm not in the states I'm in the uk, so will have too look into my rights
Leadfoot
 
  3  
Reply Wed 20 Apr, 2016 10:09 am
@SansaBaby,
As Garth Brooks sang,
"Some of God's Greatest Gifts Are Unanswered Prayers".
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  6  
Reply Wed 20 Apr, 2016 10:50 am
@SansaBaby,
Your daughter's safety is more important than this dubious family peace.

I'm sorry this happened, but it is far better that it happened before the wedding, rather than afterwards.
0 Replies
 
oralloy
 
  5  
Reply Wed 20 Apr, 2016 10:54 am
@SansaBaby,
SansaBaby wrote:
I'm not in the states I'm in the uk, so will have too look into my rights

It sounds like you are very lucky to not be married into that psycho family.

It is sad that the guy who you were going to marry is so victimized that he won't stand up for himself. But it really sounds like if you had married him, you and your daughter would have become victims too. Now you and your daughter will be free of that family's abuse.

I know lawyers are expensive, but you might want to consider a brief consultation with one just to make sure that you fully understand all of your rights/options/etc. Something tells me that this family isn't quite done trying to make you miserable.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  5  
Reply Wed 20 Apr, 2016 12:55 pm
@SansaBaby,
No need to explain - and don't you even THINK about apologizing for your actions TO PROTECT YOUR OWN CHILD!

You have standards for whom your daughter will spend time with. SIL is not up to snuff. Surely, your fiance saw that!

The fact that your fiance did not back you on this says a lot about what your life would be if you married him. His canceling the wedding tells you what side he is on.

See a lawyer and get child support from him - and get away from that family.
Fil Albuquerque
 
  0  
Reply Wed 20 Apr, 2016 01:47 pm
Dump him out of your thoughts and never look back. Honest to God, do that !
0 Replies
 
SansaBaby
 
  1  
Reply Thu 21 Apr, 2016 02:46 am
@PUNKEY,
Sorry I didn't reply last night. I rung the council who own my flat but we have a problem.

His parents sent him back here after our argument as they've said they don't want him in their house at all. If I kick him out he'll be on the streets as he won't be a priority for housing, and that could mean he loses his job due to a clause in his contract stating he has to maintain a certain level of personal hygiene and be rested enough to do his job and he also needs to have a fixed address. If he lost his job Id get no child support and I can't bring my daughter up without his financial help so he slept on the sofa last night. He's still insisting I apologise so we can go back to normal. Apparently he hasn't cancelled anything for the wedding yet he just said it to get a reaction.

I'm meeting a solicitor today for advise but from the email reply I got it looks like I have two choices:

A) Move me and daughter out to be with my mum and hope either he gets rehoused over being in a too big a place or I get rehoused for being overcrowded

B) Just I move out and leave my daughter with him, but I'd then be liable for child support and he'd need childcare which due to his job he'd struggle to get as he works shifts, with no set pattern. I could therefore be paying a lot more in childcare plus child support for him than I'd be making.

I have no idea what to do.
Walter Hinteler
 
  3  
Reply Thu 21 Apr, 2016 03:01 am
@SansaBaby,
SansaBaby wrote:
I have no idea what to do.
But you have about more than others would do!!!
Just wait what the solicitor says. And perhaps, you can talk with a social worker at the council (or NHS) - they might have different solutions.
Linkat
 
  3  
Reply Thu 21 Apr, 2016 09:29 am
@Walter Hinteler,
I agree -- wait and see what the solicitor says. To me if you don't have any other option move in with your mom - I'd rather be overcrowded than have my child stay with this man that does not seem to make the best decisions.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Thu 21 Apr, 2016 09:39 am
@SansaBaby,
Based on what you've posted previously, your options do NOT include leaving your child with this man. He is not capable of making good family/partnership or parenting decisions.

I'd definitely let him know that he can go ahead and cancel the wedding arrangements. There is no point in proceeding with something that is not good for your child.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Thu 21 Apr, 2016 09:40 am
@SansaBaby,
SansaBaby wrote:
If I kick him out he'll be on the streets as he won't be a priority for housing, and that could mean he loses his job due to a clause in his contract stating he has to maintain a certain level of personal hygiene and be rested enough to do his job and he also needs to have a fixed address.


bottom line - this is his problem to sort out - not yours
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Thu 21 Apr, 2016 09:41 am
@SansaBaby,
SansaBaby wrote:
His parents sent him back here after our argument as they've said they don't want him in their house at all.


they all seem to be taking advantage of you in this
0 Replies
 
oralloy
 
  3  
Reply Thu 21 Apr, 2016 12:10 pm
@SansaBaby,
Regarding the troubles this guy is facing, it is a shame that he is being victimized by his family, but as long as he is unwilling to stand up for himself (or for you and your daughter), there is nothing that can be done about that.

This family will make your life a living hell if you join them. And worse, they will make your daughter's childhood a living hell.

Perhaps this crisis could be what it takes to make the guy finally start standing up to his family. You should insist that if your relationship is to continue, he must start standing up to them. If he doesn't, think of what this family will do to your daughter's childhood.

If you guys split up, certainly don't leave your daughter with him. Not with that family. Keep your daughter with you.

When you talk to your lawyer, you might want to prepare for a custody battle. I wouldn't be surprised if this family tells your (ex)fiance that he has to be the one with custody.
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  4  
Reply Thu 21 Apr, 2016 03:24 pm
@SansaBaby,
This is very blunt advice and it may be hard to hear. I wish you the best...but there are some tough choices in front of you.

(I admit to having read this yesterday..so pls pardon if I have any of this wrong or misunderstood.)

He is stuck in a toxic cesspool of a family dynamic. On top of that, he and you fantasized about your future together. You both got caught up in this fantasy. In the beginning his strict dogmatic following of his religion was going to pose a problem for a potential marriage between you. You stated you were an agnostic and clearly not familiar with his religion and perhaps his culture. What did you picture your life would be like as his wife and a convert? Did you think about your tights as a woman and his wife?

Things became further complicated by the controlling and abusive nature of his family.

I hope you can get yourself and your child as far away as you can IF he chooses to not stand up to his parents. The toxic relationship with his sister and you (and frankly all) is more proof of irreconcilable differences.
oralloy
 
  1  
Reply Thu 21 Apr, 2016 03:56 pm
@Ragman,
Ragman wrote:
(I admit to having read this yesterday..so pls pardon if I have any of this wrong or misunderstood.)
Ragman wrote:
In the beginning his strict dogmatic following of his religion was going to pose a problem for a potential marriage between you. You stated you were an agnostic and clearly not familiar with his religion and perhaps his culture. What did you picture your life would be like as his wife and a convert?

I think you might be getting thread topics crossed:

http://able2know.org/topic/319153-1


Ragman wrote:
I hope you can get yourself and your child as far away as you can IF he chooses to not stand up to his parents. The toxic relationship with his sister and you (and frankly all) is more proof of irreconcilable differences.

Good advice here though.
0 Replies
 
rulesofbio
 
  -1  
Reply Thu 21 Apr, 2016 04:58 pm
@CoastalRat,
Everything happen for a reason dude, hugs!
0 Replies
 
Tobey
 
  1  
Reply Sat 23 Apr, 2016 06:33 am
@SansaBaby,
I'm sorry to hear this thing I think what you should take more feelings about your daughter , in this time you need more time to take with her. In the end I hope you should relax yourself . And don't make youself so nervous, I hope you can control youself well.
 

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