The love of my life broke up with me because of Islam and culture

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Our story is complicated from the beginning like any good love story.

I was an under graduate teaching assistant for BIO 101 and he was my student. I am 21 he is 18. I am an artist, sporty, super chill and adventurous girl. He is a soccer player, extremely intelligent, anime nerd. Although it doesn't seem that we would ever even look in the same direction of each other, we did, and we fell in love so beautifully and so hard. The love story was literally from a romantic novel, complete with kisses in the rain and a love that formed our own fantasy world where we thought we would be invincible. There is one catch though, the story was like many classic love stories, one of star crossed lovers. How could that happen in modern society? This isn't Romeo and Juliet. It did, and the reason? I am not religious at all (agnostic really) and he is a devote Muslim.

At first I thought all that meant was that he would pray 5 times and day and that we wouldn't be able to have sex before marriage, but that was my naive understanding of what Islam is and how strongly it shapes peoples cultures and views on life.

We fell in love for 2 and 1/2 months and then I was off to Costa Rica to study abroad. I was reluctant to continue the relationship as strongly as it was because I knew how long distance worked, many time it just didn't. But, I thought trying to see where our love would go was worth it. We were great for the first two and a half months out of the 4. He wasn't too happy I was going out often and being slightly adventurous in my life decisions but he loved me so he was willing to understand my life choices and still be there for our relationship. Then he thought about talking to his parents about us. His parents come from Algeria, he was born there and moved to Montreal when he was young, he goes to school in my state school because of soccer. His parents have raised him incredibly beautifully. Devoted to soccer, his family, his faith. He is truly an amazing person, reasons why I fell in love with him. But as soon as I heard him ask me if he should speak to them about us, my heart sank. I said he should because I am a naturally curious person and knowing his parents were so important to him I decided to swallow my fear and tell him I agreed.

A couple weeks later I hadn't gotten a text message from him in 2 days, super weird considering we talked almost all day every day (long distance relationship things haha) so I was worried. When I finally got word from him he told me "I spoke to my parents about us" and it wasn't good. His father said he didn't have time for a relationship because of his desire to be a professional athlete, his mother stopped speaking to him about it once he said I didn't believe in god. He and I were devastated. He said he didn't know what he was going to do but that "we would figure it out baby". I believed him.

Since then he had started becoming super distant, speaking to me less and less, joking less, skyping less, and of course my heart was breaking every second I realized it. Then it was almost impossible to have a conversation with him and finally I had it. I had been super patient and understanding until then, didn't tell him how much I was hurting because I didn't want to strengthen the load of bullshit he was dealing with. Then we talked on the phone and told me that he had been crying the night before all night, and couldn't muster up all the strength he had to call me. I knew he was about to break up with me. We cried on the phone as he told me that his parents and family would never accept me and that he wanted to be with me but couldn't. We just came from different worlds. I was broken, I yelled at him and was extremely hurt and upset, said things I shouldn't have said, I regret that. I am a hopeless romantic and I thought true love would conquer all, but true love doesn't conquer Islam. I begged him to give us a chance, that I would learn everything I could about his culture, that I would do almost anything, he was firm that he didn't believe we had a future together.

Now, it's been about 4 days since the break up and I'm still currently in Costa Rica with about 9 days left. All I think about is him and us not working out and I have gone in circles, ran around the earth millions of times rethinking and rethinking every detail of us. I am rethinking my whole life. The decisions I made, the person I am, my beliefs. I know we will never be together but I find myself wondering so many what-ifs?

I need help because I don't know how to deal with this. One day I am focused on all the positives of the break up and others, all I think about is our love and how beautiful it was, and my heart breaks all over again.

None of my friends have ever dealt with something like this so I thought a forum would be better since it could reach so many people. Help me with any advice you have please.

Thank you so much in advance.

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I think this young man did you a kindness. I know it does not feel like it right now, but the bottom line is that cultural differences can be difficult to get over unless both parties are really committed to doing just that.

It sounds like he's not. Whether he means that or not is immaterial; he's made a choice. I'm sorry that choice isn't you. But it's better now, rather than later.

When you get home from Costa Rica, of course you'll be upset. Allow yourself to be! You mourn the end of a relationship like the end of anything else.

It's gonna be okay.

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Right man at the wrong time?

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A modern agnostic woman older than the man and a devoted muslim family is
never ever going to work out.
In a modern country like Sweden still about 7% of the girls and 4% of the muslim men have to marry the person the parents choose.
The younger generation has become much more devoted than the older generation.
You might have gotten into discussions about headscarf, sharia law, stoning and things that for you are middle ages.
It does not have to be like that but it would happen...

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@francesnicole,

This is very blunt advice and it may be hard to hear. I wish you the best...but there are some tough choices in front of you.

(I admit to having read this yesterday..so pls pardon if I have any of this wrong or misunderstood.)

He is stuck in a toxic cesspool of a family dynamic. On top of that, he and you fantasized about your future together. You both got caught up in this fantasy. In the beginning his strict dogmatic following of his religion was going to pose a problem for a potential marriage between you. You stated you were an agnostic and clearly not familiar with his religion and perhaps his culture.

What did you picture your life would be like as his wife and a convert? Did you not think about your rights as a woman and his wife?

Things became further complicated by the controlling and abusive nature of his family.

I hope you can get yourself and your child as far away as you can IF he chooses to not stand up to his parents. The toxic relationship with his sister and you (and frankly all) is more proof of irreconcilable differences.

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@jespah,

Thank you!

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@francesnicole,

Two people don’t have to be together right now. In a month. Or in a year. If those two people are meant to be, then they will be together somehow at some time in life.
Remember..if the guy really want you, he will move mountain to be with you but if he didn't you just have to let go...just wait..give him some space.."it is what it is and what meant to be will always find a way.

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Sorry to read this. But maybe it wasn't the love of your life, just another lesson of life

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@francesnicole,

Become a Muslim. Now, your problem is solved

If you truly loved him, and all you literally have to do is accept and worship God and you cannot even do that, then how did you really love him?

He is the great man he is because of Allah. You praise his parents for raising such a great man, but give no praise to the one who is responsible for the creation of his parents as well as all creation? Yet you say you truly love him?

This is a family that strongly believes that you should show love and appreciation to the one who is responsible over you. You yourself also believe that you should show love to your parents because they have been responsible over you and deserve appreciation.

Then what about the one who created them and all of creation? What form of love and appreciation does that someone deserve? And how would you feel if you have been responsible for someone and their well-being, yet that person never recognizes you or appreciates you?

If you can understand that, then you should be able to understand the importance and significance of acknowledging and worshipping God. You cannot create any order in your own life or make your own bed for that matter unless you make a CHOICE to do so first right?

Then when it comes to the order in the universe and life itself, something more sophisticated than making your bed, it must have also originated from CHOICE right?

Or do you continue to deny that creation originates from choice, despite the fact that the pain and hurt you feel right now was based on......you guessed it, your own CHOICES.

So when you ask yourself of the hurt and pain you feel because you made a CHOICE to be with someone who CHOOSES to worship God, think about the reason why you made a CHOICE not to worhip God or accept his existence and why all you have to do to regain or maintain your relationship is to simply make a CHOICE to worship God, but instead you made the CHOICE NOT TOO.

(Notice the emphasis on CHOICE, that everything around you was based on CHOICE, that your current hurtful feelings was based on CHOICES you made.......yet you deny the universe and life itself originated from choice?)

I think it is clear what you have to do to save your relationship. MAKE THE CHOICE.

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Why has no one talked about the matter of teachers messing with students?

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@francesnicole,

What upsets me the most about this kind of thing, is people who move to a country to benefit from that country, that was made strong by the people of that country then turn around and declare the people who built that country to be unworthy to marry their children!

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@saab,

I agree with you...

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@francesnicole,

If none of the above applies, get a job at a pulp romance novel publisher. You’ll kill at that.

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@francesnicole,

Hi Frances,

He is much younger than you but acted matured. He told you himself, he didnt just left you hanging. He did you a great favor when he broke up with you. Mind you, a difference in religion is a major factor in any relationship. You will never have a peaceful relationship with him.

Thank him for doing that and move on

Regards
evelyn

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@francesnicole,

Some sensible advice has been given and of course much stupidity.

There is a basic key to any relationship which lasts a long time ... the two people (yes, monogamy) are very much alike. You and your ex-beau were not much alike. Rather you are both young and no doubt fanciful in your thoughts of what can and cannot be achieved. You are becoming an adult in other words.

My wife and I have been married longer than you have been alive, indeed our children are now around their 30's. My wife is a Dr, I am a businessman, we are truly not 'normal' people. We have lived all over the world, worked all over the world. Both our children are now also doctors.

However neither my wife or I like people in general terms, we are not social people, we have no interest in family such as parents and siblings. We do not 'socialise', we do not have friends just acquaintances. We are insular to the point of reclusiveness ..... Yet as long as we are no more than 1 mtr apart, we are blissfully happy.

The point being we are totally alike so we work: indeed, we would not work with anyone else as we are too insular and plain odd.

The reality of so many people's lives is that they accept partners who are 60% OK for them and then spend many years 'compromising' before they get divorced, have the affair and/or take to drink.

My recommendation to one of my own children would be ..... "It's tough but walk away ... his world view is not yours and vice versa"

That is not about Islamophobia or any other such garbage .... It is about pragmatism. At 21yr old do yourself a really vast favour and do not start carrying baggage for this young man .... Let it go, move on ... Which I guarantee he will because he is who he is from a culture that does not work with your own.

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@francesnicole,

You're better off without him.

Islam has a pretty demeaning view of women.

I'm watching The Breadwinner, and they have this one scene where the little girl is shamed for not covering her face after her hijab slips down a bit (they also show that the entire family is effectively on lockdown after the father is arrested because there are no adult males). She eventually says "We don't you stop looking?" and she is almost beaten.

Yeah, why don't you just stop looking? Instead all women are subjected to a sort of dress-code abuse because the men can't keep their sexual impulses in line.

1 Reply

@bulmabriefs144,

Quote:

You're better off without him.

This thread is over five years old and the OP hasn't been on this site since April 28, 2016. Commenting on old threads isn't a problem but addressing responses to someone who'll never see them is sort of pointless.

Quote:

Islam has a pretty demeaning view of women.

"Islam" isn't a person. Islam doesn't have a "view". Many Muslims subscribe to beliefs which others may see as repressive to women. Many contemporary USAmerican christianists – and probably many non-believers – do as well. This is one of many stains on humanity.

Quote:

Yeah, why don't you just stop looking?

Now, that's a good point. It reminds me of an old tale from the Zen tradition: Two monks, a novice and an old master, were walking and came to a stream which they had to ford. They encountered a woman, distraught because heavy rains in the mountains had increased the speed of the current and the depth of the water and she was afraid to cross. The older monk offered to carry her, hoisted her onto his shoulders, and the two monks, one with human cargo, forded the stream. The older monk carried the woman safely to the other side and the two monks continued their journey. Hours later the young novice couldn't repress himself any longer. "Master, it is against our teaching to touch a woman. Why have you broken your vow of purity?" The older monk responded, "I left that woman on the bank of the stream. Why are you still carrying her?"

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@francesnicole,

I didn't read everything. But Islam is evil. For example:“Tell him to bite his father’s male member”, and Abu Bakr saying, “Suck the clitoris of al-Laat”, stay away or leave islam.

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@francesnicole,

Are you white? If you are white its better to only look for a white guy. end of story.

Forget about multiracial marriages. They will never work and it is just not right.

I hate it when I see a white girl being with a non-white guy.

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The love of my life broke up with me because of Islam and culture

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