I am so cofused (and sad) now. Plz help.

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Hallo.

There aren't many times when I seek for genuine relationship/friendship advice but this is the time I need older, smarter, wiser, experienced someone.

I did start small journal here. I mentioned couple of time one "Readhead". At first we had a couple of nice mails, joking here, discussing there. After several long hours of writing I invited her for a Skype call. At first I though this is a refuse from her side, but now (if she is who she is) is only a message "don't get quick on me".

however.

This is internet and I saw only her virtual profile. I asked her for a photo or something just to know she is real. You know how it goes on internet... You can't be really sure unless you see someone on your own eyes. I gave her long, thorough explanation why I want to see... something from her. I mentioned I saw bad people, and above all, I explained I am afraid of growing fond of somebody who might be different person in real life. This is the main reason, I hope you can understand. The thing is... several years earlier I met a woman and make it brief, I missed her very, very much. After these years I found somebody like her again. It's not her beauty (she IS beautiful but not that much) or her personality, I don't know, the only thing I can say or explain is look in her eyes and her charm.

...I feel love. True love. Not that one "my dick is hard about her and will slack once releasing it's load", I mean I could watch her marry someone else and be happy for she found her happiness. I didn't have this feeling for many years. If ever.

The thing is... she got very upset about me. She accused me of being pushy, making it awkward, comparing her to fat old creeps etc... Here I must say: she did mentioned and quite distinctively she likes to argue and like to forgive. And that she argues and raises her emotions about people she cares about. I do not know is this is the case. Or if her anger is real and she... misinterpreted me for someone who want to get quick with her (this is what she said to me - "I don't know and don't like why you want it fast".). All I wanted is to know if the person I am talking to is real. That is all.

Last two messages we exchanged:

(Me) "If you expect me to raise my temper, I will not. I don't feel fear of loosing you, I don't feel upset for blaming me. I only feel sorrow for I may lost friend with who I could share so much nice things..."

(Her) "Yes, I feel the same way."

I don't know.

We are both 27 btw. She is student, I am professional.

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Type: Question • Score: 1 • Views: 2,259 • Replies: 56

View best answer, chosen by Count of Banterbury

@Count of Banterbury,

Hard to say man, male - female relationships are so f-ed up these days.

Best advice is never to be surprised when it all goes crazy.

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@Count of Banterbury,

A skype conversation is not a big deal.

So for her to back out speaks of lack of interest in you, fear of you, or deception...none of which are good for you.

If I had to take odds, my money would be on 'her' being a Nigerian scammer. 7-1 would be good odds I think.

Let it go.

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Yeah sticking up in the relationship wont let you think further. So grow up and get it done!

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Thanks for the responses.

lilyalvin - I did not quite get you.

I don't know, there is some sixth sense telling me stuff here, there is no rational description of the thing. I think she likes me. Quite much. That's why she got all stampede over me and blame me of being things. They say some girls are crazy, well, so far I had a personal radar for very normal ones but this is internet, you never know who you bump into. Maybe in real life we would pass each other, never to notice again. But here, we are exchanging words, not sights.

conclusion

a) She must be crazy but does not matter, forgive my openess but I do love her. For a reason. Again, inexplainable. Therefore I will forgive and get over and draw a retreat (French) flag and ask her for forgiveness.
b) She is 27 and probably single. On the university where every other person is a potential future marriage material. I think I get my answer Very Happy

You are free to add any of your thoughts, I will be happy to hear it. Somewhat, non of my friends are much experienced in science of love.

But I do believe one thing: love, true love, is contagious. I am not lonely. I am not desperate. Yet I feel so allured, so fond of her despite her madness. She must feel it, I can feel it too when talking with other girls. Some of them already infected me too. This is all but a big, beautiful game who drives insane who first Smile

.

I feel so calm, so balanced, so peaceful right now...

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@Count of Banterbury,

You are operating in a fantasy land. You don't even have to get off your butt to have these relationships. You like being driven "crazy" from the comfort of your own home.

Grow up and have relationships with REAL LIVE women who live near you and you can actually date and have real conversations.

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@PUNKEY,

I am not sure what is so artificial on Skype conversation, som of that girls do live not so far from my home so once opportunity comes...

You think I would spend my time with strangers on internet if I had no other option? I simply currently live is a small town where simply spoken, I don't fit in. Chances for me to successfully meet new girls are minimal as first I am very different to them, second social dynamics works differently here and being desired means being at least so-so respected what comes in contradiction with first point. Third, there are no events whatsoever where I could meet similar minded people - at least as far as I know - no technology events, no science/academical conferences, commerce/industry, nothing. There is one university with students of theology! Duh! I've been there a few times but there is nothing I could do there. I am tech/business guy, these one are completely different. and I am no creep/douche to go to places only to "hunt" chicks, that't not how it works.

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@Count of Banterbury,

There's always online dating. Failing that you could think of things that attract more women than men. Looking at your list I'd say the opposite would be the case. Amateur dramatics is very good for meeting women, and gay men, but straight men tend to be in the minority. You don't even have to act, you could do front of house stage painting, stagehanding. I've also heard Bingo is very good as well.

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@izzythepush,

Thank you. Smile

Actually it is not dating site (dating sites are horrible... Smile

) It is a site where you make international pen/mail friends and believe or not, gender ratio is 1:1. And let's be hones: good share of people ARE there to meet someone more. I can tell and it was not me who started this Very Happy

Bingo??

I am 27, you know that?! Very Happy

The problem here is not much of an intellectual disproportion, the problem is cultural difference. In simple words, I have little to tell to these people. I remember last meeting I had with them due one training.... they all looked at me like to some alien and even made jokes "we do not speak language of your tribe" Very Happy

They meant it in a positive way, but you get the picture...

Nah, sooner or later I will be leaving this place (just as I finish smt.) and than I have the whole word for me. Meanwhile, internet meeting works nicely. I can learn a lot of about different types of women and obstacles to reach them are really minimal. Many men there are stupids like "hey beauty, wazza Wink

" So if I write something intelligent to a girl who looks intelligent and there is smt. in common, I stand out of crowd immediately.

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@Count of Banterbury,

Anyway, to close this "readhead confusion" ****:

I think the answer is pretty obvious: she is some kind of troublesome drama queen and I did not love her, I loved the idea of her that I artificially created in my mind. She simply reminded me type of women...woman I knew and they were all very beautiful, very nice and loving and above all, confident and balanced. This one was one pile of trouble. Ever since I asked her for some proof of personal authenticity (we spent many hours writing loooong mails each other and I am naturally curious why so beautiful women is putting so much effort into random internet guy) she started to calling me names, blaming me for things, emotionally tormenting me. There is no point of quoting anything, all I can say I loved her, there is no chance in hell I would try to do anything that would make her slightly uncomfortable. If you know the love, you know what I mean.

The false mirage is gone, so is she. I don't miss her and with God's help I will forget her very soon...

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@Count of Banterbury,

but on the other hand, after all, she might have been phisher indeed. She was female, for sure, but was she that one like on pictures? It is undeniable my polite request for her authenticity is just. First she politely refused, secondly she avoided it, played to the out. So I did last step: clearly and politely expressed my reasons why I would like to have smallest proof of her existence. I gave her no possible way out, this time. So far she was nice and funny, but suddenly emotional outburst, blaming, trying to put me into a position where I am privacy-disrupting creep. What would you do if you are sick internet phisher stealing someone's identity? The same, right? You can't talk your way out of it and you can't refuse it. I sent her last polite message "look, I am sorry I made you upset. I did not mean to but I do not apologize for my question. We can carry on, start again and I will trust you". Well if you are smart phisher you know that by this point it is only a matter of time when true identity will be revealed so what she did? Blamed me again and said farewell.

Well either a drama queen or phisher. But if phisher than quite smart one. I have no solid indication of her fake identity, therefore I should not/will not report her. She had her fun and now she can move to another victim.

Or not. I will report her. Maybe there are already more of those reports and admins are becoming observant.

In ant case, lesson taken. All of my other contacts have no problem with Skype account or anything. If this happens again, I will be more direct and less patient.

1 Reply

@Count of Banterbury,

I can understand she would think you are a privacy disrupting creep.

My own take, re both of your a2k posting personas, is that you think of women as an alien species, probably from your experience, but also maybe from your behavior affecting them.

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@ossobuco,

if I understand correctly you are of impression I am acting strange to women so she felt uncomfortable sharing some minimal(!) proof of personal identity.

I could act with her a bit strange because I loved her so I shared my personal info I normally would be only a little bit more cautious but on there other hand she must have know what are my feelings for her and therefore understand my behavior. If she were normal, of course. Messed up person can think virtually anything. I do have friends who I can feel they love me too so they act a bit strange sometimes too but it's so plain to see it so it raises me no worries.

If you think I am some "weirdo", I disappoint you, nothing suggest this option so far. All my other friendships are all right, and if you take into account this town I spoke about, it is a place with less than 1% outsiders. You find no other nationalities here, rarely a person from a big city. And if yes, most of them have their own worries. In gym and others I am encountering true locals who never experienced life outside city walls. Of course I am weird to them. But the gym owner is international guy and we find common tongue very easily. Coincidence?

Just... forget this small city thing, ok?

asking for some small postcard with smile after 12+ hours of writing in not a big deal, don't suggest otherwise. THAT is weird. For a young person encountering all kind of cultures on everyday basis. Overly protective behavior for this social group IS weird.

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@ossobuco,

" is that you think of women as an alien species, "

hahaha! I told you before, that was fear and self-doubt speaking of me. And I told you, not any more.

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@Count of Banterbury,

anyway, the case is closed. My inner voice is telling me now she was a phisher. I will never know for sure, but that is a good thing. Lesson learnt, that is important.

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@Count of Banterbury,

Count of Banterbury wrote:

I could act with her a bit strange because I loved her

asking for some small postcard with smile after 12+ hours of writing

it is weird that you thought you loved someone that you'd had 12 hours of written knowledge of

seems like your sense of drama is the same a year on

__

I hope you find a way to either be comfortable with the people in the community you live in, or find a way to live in a different community.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

no it's no weird. (apology for grammar, spelling and english, I have a few beers in me)

a) I used to know one girl with... similar charisma (according to her photos) as her, and... I grew very fond of that girl. She was a beautiful - not only great looking, but beautiful personality indeed, and so I associated this redhead with her - big mistake. They are very different. But I think this is very common, people associate others and make prejudice based on previous experience. My feelings for that woman back then... were very deep.
b) she just happen to fit into category I have soft spot for. It's that simple Smile

Her face, her body type, her intelligence and she did seem very nice, lovable at first sight. Helping blind impaired people by creating audio book (her job)... I trusted she is a good person
c) yeah there is third reason but I completely forgot it. The beer...

Long story short, I created an idea of women that was only in my head and I loved it. But it was an idea, not her. I fell for "my type" trap again. I happens once a couple of years, but it happens. And

besides, she is dashingly beautiful AND smart. It's not that hard to fall for her whoever she is. Smile

Plus I am over it. It was mirage I loved. Mirage vanished and I feel no pain or missing anyone. I have plenty of other girls to make me company and I like them. There is no reason for me to feel lonely, sad, inadequate or insecure.

I hope this gives you your point Ossobuco that I have changed. That frightened bitter person posting **** here several months ago is no more. here is new, confident person posting different kind of shite Smile

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@Count of Banterbury,

yeah, before I got drunk my inner voice was telling me she is a phisher. There are too many weird circumstances and too suspicious reactions. I think I will stick to this explanation and not expect that every other 27 single/oddly talkative woman is a crazy head no man can stand with for more than couple of months Very Happy

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@Count of Banterbury,

I'm more old school when it comes to dating. Skyping and emails is okay for introducing yourselves to each other. Until you actually meet in each other in person, look into each other eyes and have a real face to face conversation, the other stuff is no more than an introduction. An introduction is not a relationship. I suggest you make arrangements to meet each other. Preferably in a public place and then you can see where it goes from there.

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@Real Music,

I will. But I play with cards I have in my hand now. Besides, I feel happy about this too. I am not 18 when I constantly needed someones company. A hour of chat is a sufficient dose of emotions for me. Sex will come (there are some already waiting Wink

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I am so cofused (and sad) now. Plz help.

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