Looking for opinions on my situation.
I'm 41 he's 44...both been married before...both of us have kids ....me 1 him 2 ( one with his marriage...son is 17 now....and a daughter (8yrs old) with a woman he had a dysfunctional long term relationship of 11 yrs right after his marriage ended.). Have been in a 3 yr long distance relationship (following his 11 yr relationship) where we fly to see each other every 2 months (take turns to both cities), talk or text EVERY day, have said the I love you's, has even once early on impulsively asked me to move to his city, sent me texts with my first name in front of his last name, super romantic, have never fought about anything, supportive of each other, become best friends, passionate, the spark is stronger than ever, amazing sex, can turn each other on even over the phone or through text, we think about each other every day, the way he looks at me is like I'm the only woman in the room etc etc etc. When I look at lists of what makes an amazing relationship we are 20/20 or 10/10...of all the items listed. Our only problem is distance and that he cant come to me because his daughter is young and he needs to be there to raise her. While I have a son...with an ex that is awol in every respect so I could pick up and go one day without complicating my situation. But I've never asked him to move for me, never asked him to marry me, I have put zero pressure on him. We've been taking this situation moment by moment...living in the present. But of course I had some hope that there could be a future for us...you know when the kids get older. The odd time he'd say I love you but then say "i'm kinda not allowed to say that" because he cant be there for me 100% because of our situations. But nevertheless he said it and continued to say it, and I truly felt it. He would also say that he didn't want me to fall in love with him, again because of our situations, but he fell in love with me too. He was gaga over me...no joke...he was mad at himself why he couldn't go a day without thinking about me. He was amazing to my son as well. He said if he didn't have the obligations to be there for his daughter he'd move to my city in a heart beat.
Then last month he goes on an overseas trip to the country where he was born to visit family (and I'm that nationality too...but he was born there and I was born in Canada). Again texts and talks every day with me, telling me he misses me and loves me. Then all of a sudden for 4 days...no contact. Then I see a tagged pic of him on this fb page next to another woman and he's on a road trip to visit some friends there too. So I think...maybe a friend?...he's not responding cuz he's travelling? He finishes his trip and contacts me and I just knew he was with her. I didn't say anything...but a day later he just spilled the beans and confessed ( at least he had the courage to do so ). He ran into an old girlfriend from 20 yrs ago and they talked and talked. He told her about me and how amazing I was and that I truly allowed him to be himself. Apparently nothing happened at that point. But then they run into each other again ( small village towns) and this time she professes that she still loves him, always has. Background to them 20 yrs ago...it was a relationship of 5 yrs (4 of those she lived with him and his family), they were a good relationship until one day when he hurt her by just picking up and leaving to go live in other cities ( explore and travel )and then eventually met his wife and got married and moved to Canada. She got married too but her husband died of cancer a year ago so now she was a free woman. So she professes her love to him, and he gets caught up in old emotions...and with the desire to move back there one day...and then I don't know how it unfolded...did he ask her to drive him on this road trip, did she offer....but off they went together and acted as a couple, slept together more than once
when he confessed to me he said he got caught up in old emotions and that it felt the same way as when he is with me (in love)...but said it was a mistake....then days later he said he is in love with 2 women ( he said he was in love with her, but when he thinks about our love it hurts to the bone on how strong it is) and maybe that we were the mistake because we carried on for too long in a situation that might not have a future because of our situations...and we never should have let feelings come into play:( ( cuz then he wouldn't feel bad right now)
So my world just crumbled...there was nothing wrong with us! We communicated well, still were passionate, so in love....he says we were living in the moment but in the end it WAS a relationship and he knows it because of how much he is hurting right now too. Of course I suggested that we could fix this at first. For the last 30 days this has been over text and calls...and he is scheduled to come to see me in one more month. He says he wants to work on himself and be alone and that we need to end this. He said if we tried to fix it would be impossible because of the long distance and lack of trust now. All true. And even if somehow we managed...he is planning to eventually move back to where he is born and hurt me again when he leaves. I would never had an issue even moving there too...but of course when my son is older. He did the "it's not you, it's me" speech..ugh. He lays on the compliments of how amazing I am and did not deserve this. I know that...nobody deserves this. He's hurting because he knows my history of my ex husband cheating on me...and he says 'now i'm that asshole too. I did that to you too."
He says he doesn't want to lose me...wants to stay in touch. He's gonna take a year to work on himself and then see what happens but at the same time save money to leave one day. He's just gone from relationship to relationship...never taken time for himself. The relationship with his daughters mother was dysfunctional and full of hatred ( he cheated on her multiple times...and she may have too). His marriage... his wife became a drug and alcohol abuser so he walked away from that marriage and his son (which he's been trying to make it up to his son ever since). It's why he can't leave his daughter...to do the same and walk away like he's always told me...yet all of a sudden can entertain the idea of going back to his birthplace half way around the world maybe before she's fully grown up?? So many mixed messages.
He said who knows maybe he'll come back to me and it will be 1000% better than before...but he can only come back to me when he is ready and fixed himself. Fate brought us together ( some crazy circumstance of how we met) and he says you never know. I said i'm tired of guys saying i'm awesome and letting me go...only to ALWAYS contact me again saying they made a mistake letting me go. and by that point I don't love them anymore. He said he will die inside if he loses me to someone else but at this time he has to let me go no matter how much he loves me because he cannot give me what I deserve right now. Compared to my ex husband he was a million times better to me...I truly felt I found the love of my life
He said how much he loves me that I will be the death of him. So far he can't go any longer than 2 days without texting or speaking with me.
So my emotions are all over the place...never thought i'd be here again dealing with cheating. Feeling sadness, hurt, loss, anger, ...one day I want him to come so we end it properly face to face...but the last 3 days I feel like cutting him out of my life...not even friends...cancel his flight...get him off my social media...and move on with my life...to not even bother with the face to face.
I don't know what to do! I thought If I ever was cheated on again I would be like 'screw u!' and 'get out of my life'...but it is because of our connection and ALL great memories that I'm afraid to act out of anger. I read articles of cheating and none of them describe my situation...they usually suggest there were intimacy issues, communication issues, that the relationship was broken...but we were NOT broken! He keeps asking me to remember the good memories but why should I when he forgot all our memories for those 3 to 4 days where he disappeared out of my life to have a short emotional and physical affair with an ex. I'm gutted.
He's so lost and torn in so many directions...me here, his daughter there, his family back in his birthplace, and now this ex...I know he's confused. I do know that he's hurting. He said he's afraid to come see me...to see me hurting...to see me cry. I smiled from ear to ear every time we were together and he said he took so much joy in knowing that he could make me smile like that and now he killed that smile.
The other woman is still his friend on fb because she is also a family friend and he says he can't just cut her out of his life. He told her he was coming back to me and she was fine with that but then said "come back to me when ur ready"...what a mind f$%#. So here I am saying please stop talking to her (and looking like the crazy one) and she's over there cool as a cucumber saying it's ok ...go back to her (me)...but come back to me when you're ready. I don't know how people can be so selfish and cruel.
So i'm stuck between 2 actions...meet face to face, talk and say goodbye. Or blow this whole thing up and end it now...don't see him, cut off all contact, message the other woman and say my peace, and just move on. Erase him from my life.
Either way it will be a goodbye.
thoughts?
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