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Cheated and confused...

 
 
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 07:39 pm
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years now. I am 20, he is 22. This is our first year in long distance, as I am away at university. I get to see him for a total of about 2 months a year. 2-3 weeks at Christmas, May and a week some time during the summer (usually July).
Lately I've been feeling extremely lonely. Exam week was upon us and I was stressed and tired of being alone. (he didn't even have internet so skyping didn't help). Feeling the way I did, I knew going out and getting drunk at a bar was a bad idea. but I did it any way. I ended up getting drunk and going home with someone...
I don't really remember all of it, but I know in the morning when I woke up I was disgusted with myself. I had told myself I would never, and could never cheat. but there I was. laying in another guys bed.
The whole thing feels like some horrible nightmare that I just can't wake up from. I want nothing more to forget it ever happened, because it will NEVER happen again.
I hate myself every day. Because I love my boyfriend, with all my heart and soul. I had planned to marry him and have kids and be happy. But now I don't know what to do.
Do I come clean and tell him, and risk ruining everything I have, all my happiness? Or do I hide it? It was one night. One huge mistake that I deeply regret. I don't want to hurt him (Though I'm aware I already have in betraying his trust) I need help. I'm confused... What do I do?
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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 2,292 • Replies: 18
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Romeo Fabulini
 
  -2  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 07:45 pm
Quote:
Do I come clean and tell him, and risk ruining everything I have, all my happiness?

No need to tell him anything unless you're preggers, then you can talk your way out of it by saying the baby's his.
Unless it's black..Wink
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 07:47 pm
@confused and hurting,
Did you and your boyfriend talk about the possible relationship quandaries you might both find yourself in before you left for university?
confused and hurting
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 07:49 pm
@Romeo Fabulini,
I'm not pregnant. Even so, you really think I shouldn't tell him? I feel guilty, and I feel like he has the right to know. So he knows the type of person he is spending his life with... he trusted me, I'm the most trusted person in his life, and I've betrayed him...
0 Replies
 
confused and hurting
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 07:51 pm
@ehBeth,
We did not, no. And that was a mistake. However, I'm sure we both figured that we'd be okay...
I texted him today, as I have 2-3 years of school left and he refuses to come here. But I told him that we need to talk this summer. and that things have to change for the next years as the long distance isn't working for me.. so I guess in a way I'm already trying to prevent it from happening again, I just wish we had discussed this before hand, so it wouldn't have happened in the first place.
Romeo Fabulini
 
  0  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 07:55 pm
You said you only see him for 2 months a year, so that means you're just casual friends and you don't need to tell him anything.
Anyway you don't know what he might be getting up to with other girls for those missing 10 months, so keep your trap shut and call it a draw..Smile
confused and hurting
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 08:00 pm
@Romeo Fabulini,
I've only seen him 2 months of the last year, yes, but before that we lived together.. we are way more than 'casual friends'... and I know he is loyal to me.
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 08:03 pm
@confused and hurting,
He refuses to go where you are? that's a bit odd.

Discussing it in advance might not have prevented it, but you'd have a better idea of where you both stand on fidelity in a long-distance relationship. Better to know in advance, than to try to sort it out later.
Romeo Fabulini
 
  -1  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 08:03 pm
Quote:
I ended up getting drunk and going home with someone...
I don't really remember all of it

Relax, boyfriend will never know unless it turns up on youtube..Smile
0 Replies
 
confused and hurting
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 08:04 pm
@ehBeth,
Yeah, he lived here with me last year, but hated it. couldn't find work and it just didn't suit him. he prefers home. Do you think I should tell him? Or not...
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 08:09 pm
@confused and hurting,
I personally don't think it's a good idea to discuss anything in the heat of the moment. You need time to sort of get over it yourself before you talk to him about whether or not both of you are going to be abstinent when you are apart from each other over long periods of time.

I don't recommend the abstinence route, but I also think it has to be discussed in advance.
confused and hurting
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 08:18 pm
@ehBeth,
thanks, I appreciate your answer. and I have sort of gotten over it myself, I mean I feel guilty and I don't know what to do, but I've accepted what I have done. I know it was wrong, I know why I did it. I just hope that if I ever do tell him, he can forgive me...
0 Replies
 
bellamente
 
  -1  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 08:30 pm
@confused and hurting,
You should be honest.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 08:42 pm
@confused and hurting,
confused and hurting wrote:


I was disgusted with myself. I


The whole thing feels like some horrible nightmare that I just can't wake up from. I want nothing more to forget it ever happened, because it will NEVER happen again.

I hate myself every day.



1. this doesn't read like someone who has sorted out completely what happened

2. never say NEVER

___

It's normal to want to have sex. Sex with another adult isn't necessarily a bad thing. There's no reason to hate yourself for having normal adult sexual desires. Again, it would have been best to discuss this with your boyfriend before you ended up in different cities for a long-term/long-distance relationship, but you didn't.

So - job one is to recognize that what you did wasn't a horrible thing.

Then think about how you and your boyfriend are going to have a workable long-distance relationship. I don't recommend promising no sex while you're away from each other.
confused and hurting
 
  1  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 09:46 pm
@ehBeth,
but do you recommend I tell him? I have already made plans to discuss with him how things will have to be different next year.
But should I confess what happened? Or not..
bellamente
 
  -1  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 10:19 pm
@confused and hurting,
Quote:
but do you recommend I tell him? I have already made plans to discuss with him how things will have to be different next year. But should I confess what happened? Or not..


No sweetie. You didn't mean to have sex with the other man and if you tell your fiance You might hurt his, your fiance's feelings.
bellamente
 
  -2  
Reply Sun 20 Apr, 2014 10:31 pm
@bellamente,
Neutral
0 Replies
 
confused and hurting
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Apr, 2014 11:55 am
@confused and hurting,
this is all so confusing.. half of the people say to tell him, half say to not..
If you were in his position, or have been in his position, would you want to know?
0 Replies
 
Romeo Fabulini
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Apr, 2014 02:21 pm
I went with prostitutes in my younger days, but if I meet a nice woman it'd never cross my mind to tell her!
Let the past stay in the past, that's what i say..Smile

God said-"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland"
(Isaiah 43:18 )

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