Don't worry, he'll never notice the wig.
Some of us - I think all of us - who are suggesting stepping back and learning to have a sense of self by yourself aren't talking from a better than thou point of view.
I think most of us are thinking what you describe doesn't work as a way to build a life. And by life I don't mean marriage and family..
whether or not you want that. I mean just growing up and moving on.
A lot of people choose to not stay with one or another but to be independent. Still, they have a developed sense of self and what relationships they have are fairly clear, one way or another.
I had serial monogamous relationships, as they call them, for a lot of years before I married, but somewhere in the middle I was very hurt, and that coincided with the time everybody was screwing around, a lot, and I did too, for a few years in my sort of wounded bird state.
No apologies, I have to say I am not sorry for one second of it. In many ways I felt very alive with it.
But it's not a way to build. Hooking up - as you would call it now - is way too sensation dependent, which is a way of trying to obliterate hurt.
I think many of us who continue to try and post and be heard on this thread just want you to have some perspective on all this.
YES! YES! YES!
( you said it perfectly ossobuco.)
There's nothing as lovely as a fully formed woman who's self-confident and at ease with herself, and is ready to give her unconditional love to a man.
re
I'm not really looking for a serious relationship right now, but sometimes i get afraid that I will be single forever. I am 26, i've been engaged before so i feel like maybe the window has just passed me by...all of my friends are in serious relationships...i feel like the odd one out.
That makes sense, Diana. Part of the adjustment from being in a long-term, serious relationship. That will change, eventually -- you'll get other, single friends, or some of your friends will break up and be in the same boat. The important thing is that you do things based on what is best for you in real terms, not going with the flow/ odd one out sorts of criteria.
Good luck!
Oh and I had my kid when I was about to turn 30 -- and that was pretty young among people I know. You've got PLENTY of time. And that's assuming you want to give birth to a child -- no expiration date on the rest of it (finding a life partner.) Many many people wait a lot longer than that, and you have some good experience under your belt, which helps.
re
well when i was with my ex, we had always said we wanted our first child at 27...well now we're broken up and I just turned 26 and i have no man. So i have no idea if i will ever have kids. I dont mean to have a pity party for myself, but i guess i get sick of seeing everyone else's relationships work out while mine are in the tubes. I wonder what did i do to deserve this. Why does it work out for everyone, but me? I am happy for my friends, but i wish i could be happy for myself for a change.
So do we Diana, so do we.
Quite frankly, General Tsao-- it really burns my drawers when men tell me to smile.
It's patronizing. I wonder what the reverse would be...what women say to men that is patronizing.
Or matronizing. Craven says I'm way matronizing. [looks innocent and perplexed.]
I got married at 19 and a couple of years later my husband decided he didn't ever want children and got a vasectomy. I remember thinking then that my chance for having a family had passed me by.
I was wrong.
I divorced at 24, and I remember thinking then that my chance for a happy marriage had passed me by.
I was wrong again.
I married again at 28, and I remember thinking then that FINALLY my chance for a happy marriage and children of my own had come.
I was wrong yet again.
I went through two miscarriages and infertility treatment in my early 30s, and I remember thinking each month that my last chances for a family of my own had passed me by.
I was wrong again and again.
When I was 35, I was told I had less than a 5% chance of ever having a child so we gave up the idea and settled into a nice, adults-only lifestyle, thinking that would be our pattern for the rest of our lives.
Man, was I wrong!
At the age of 39, against the odds, I became pregnant. The entire time I carried that child, I was absolutely convinced it was a girl.
You guessed it. I was wrong again.
At the age of 40, I finally found myself with a happy marriage and a child of my own. I was ecstatically happy for about six months. But then my husband was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer and given less than a 50/50 chance of living for 3 years. I was afraid that, once again, my chance for a happy marriage and family had passed me by.
The doctors and I were all wrong.
My husband beat the odds, and is healthy today, ten years later. In the years since that, I have been through cancer myself and beaten it. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I feared my chances for happiness were over. Each and every time, I was wrong. How do I know I was wrong?
Because I am happy.
Don't give up, diana78. It's tough being in the middle of life, because you can't see the end. Things don't happen when we want them to, they happen in their own time. If there is one thing I have learned, it is not to second-guess the future. Your day is coming, girl. Count on it.
Gala wrote:Quite frankly, General Tsao-- it really burns my drawers when men tell me to smile.
Then smile on your own.
)
Just to be clear, I didn't mention anything about a guy telling any woman to do anything. I think a forced smile looks fake anyway, and guys don't like fakers, either.
)
General Tsao
Soz, if you are thought of as matronizing I can only imagine my role, thinking, thinking, elderlyauntizing. The thing is, the zone between, say, twenty and seventy, which we are between and talk easily to each other, at least you and I, is much less of an ocean that all at twenty think it is. It is really just a few minutes. We are all the same, mostly.
Eva: inspiring!
Osso: so true!
Eva wrote:I got married at 19 and a couple of years later my husband decided he didn't ever want children and got a vasectomy. I remember thinking then that my chance for having a family had passed me by.
I was wrong.
I divorced at 24, and I remember thinking then that my chance for a happy marriage had passed me by.
I was wrong again.
I married again at 28, and I remember thinking then that FINALLY my chance for a happy marriage and children of my own had come.
I was wrong yet again.
I went through two miscarriages and infertility treatment in my early 30s, and I remember thinking each month that my last chances for a family of my own had passed me by.
I was wrong again and again.
When I was 35, I was told I had less than a 5% chance of ever having a child so we gave up the idea and settled into a nice, adults-only lifestyle, thinking that would be our pattern for the rest of our lives.
Man, was I wrong!
At the age of 39, against the odds, I became pregnant. The entire time I carried that child, I was absolutely convinced it was a girl.
You guessed it. I was wrong again.
At the age of 40, I finally found myself with a happy marriage and a child of my own. I was ecstatically happy for about six months. But then my husband was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer and given less than a 50/50 chance of living for 3 years. I was afraid that, once again, my chance for a happy marriage and family had passed me by.
The doctors and I were all wrong.
My husband beat the odds, and is healthy today, ten years later. In the years since that, I have been through cancer myself and beaten it. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I feared my chances for happiness were over. Each and every time, I was wrong. How do I know I was wrong?
Because I am happy.
Don't give up, diana78. It's tough being in the middle of life, because you can't see the end. Things don't happen when we want them to, they happen in their own time. If there is one thing I have learned, it is not to second-guess the future. Your day is coming, girl. Count on it.
Eva,
Now I know..........
Ever since I first posted on A2K there was something about you that touched my heart. You know how sometimes you are drawn to a person and you don't really know why? You just "are." As I was reading your above post, I began to understand.....
You, my dear Eva.......are a woman of great inner strength. I can only "wish" to be but a fraction of the woman you are. You have a light within that spreads sunshine to those that are blessed to have crossed your path. And I truely consider myself one of those that has been blessed.
Thank-you for sharing those parts of your life that gives that ray of hope to all of us.
~Brooke
! hehe
