Unique Situation

This is what counseling is for. Go alone or with your wife. Get this stuff hashed out already. It's been slowly poisoning you, and you haven't seen that. Fess up about snooping and, together, take a hammer to her old laptop and dispose of the parts responsibly. Be sure to wear eye protection.

Oh, and as for Facebook? It's just an algorithm which suggests friends based on mutual interests, mutual friends , proximity, and other points of congruence (e. g. if you both like Rick Astley or you both used to work for the local grocery store regardless of years you worked, or you both have visited Cancun within the past year). Hit block on his account and you won't be bothered that way again.

Thanks for your reply. Actually, I told my wife about his profile appearing in Facebook. It was because I had befriended someone who was his friend. He's been blocked from both of our accounts.

I was upfront with my wife when I was triggered. I started having flashbacks to that time. Actually gave me what I assume to be PTSD.

I did print all the logs, and showed them to my wife. She had no idea everything they ever said to each other was there in black and white. Honestly it was hard for to read it. She had been secretely abusing Vicodin during the affair. She had been addicted for 4 years, and the affair was when she was taking 10 pills a day, and drinking. She got clean several months after the affair ended.

Reading the logs really does hurt her. She just keeps saying, "I can't believe I said that"

Lot's of hateful talk about me. Lot's of sexually demeaning stuff. Lot's of cybersexing with him, while he pleasured himself.

Not sure all I can say here. Not sure how graphic I can get.

I found out a lot more sexual details than she had admitted to 15 years ago.

Again, not sure if it's allowed to go into all that.

And like I said, talk to a counselor about this. You need a professional's help.

Why are you doing this to yourself? So what if his name showed up on her FB account as a suggested friend? She has no control over that and I am assuming she did not friend him, so that is silly to let that bother you.

If you were willing to forgive her 15 years ago, then this should not be a problem now. You should never have gone looking for details like you did. You revisited something that you had forgiven her for and moved past. Or maybe you really never forgave her.

So, what do you do now? I would suggest you concentrate on how faithful she has been the last 15 years. Put your energy into keeping your marriage strong. Remember, she chose to stay with you and work things out, just as you chose to stay with her and work things out. The past is the past. Let it go and don't go dredging up past hurts. And as Jespah suggested, talk to a counselor about it if you need to.

Good luck.

Get yourself professional help. This isn't something you can get over by yourself.

while you're at the counsellor's , ask why you did this?

Think about these questions while you wait for your first appointment with a counsellor - did it do you any good to do that? did it do your wife any good? why did you do it?

I think you need to reread what I wrote. Never blamed my wife for his name appearing as a suggested friend in my account. She had nothing to do with that. That's just because I befriended someone who was friends with him. He did not show up as a suggested friend for her, she's not friends with the person who's friends with him.

That's not what bothering me...

My problem is all the new details I know now, that I didn't know then. I found countless sexually explicit conversations. I found countless conversations where she was saying horrible things about me, untrue things. She said she said those things because she thought she was losing him and was trying to win him back. Doesn't make much sense to me.

The worst are the conversations where she was sexually ridiculing me to him. Not to get graphic, but I'm Mr. Average in that department. He was in the top 99% length and girth wise.

I did it for the reasons anyone would in my situation. I had already told her about being triggered by the FB suggestion. We spoke of the affair at length. We spoke of the two chat logs she saved that lead to the discovery of the affair.

I showed them to her to get answers. Huge difference between what I was told then, and what I've read now.

I need to reconcile the two. It makes me feel like I've been living a lie for 15 years.

talk to your counsellor about why you felt the need to seek out that additional information

you need help with this

__

telling us what you discovered doesn't do you any good, doesn't do your wife any good, and doesn't do anything for us

no. that is not what "anyone" would do.

talk to your doc about getting a referral to a professional therapist/counsellor

I'm sorry, I came here for support. I thought this was a support board. I needed to talk to people who might have gone through similar things.

I apologize, I misunderstood the reason for this forum.

Anyone can tell someone to see a counselor. I wanted to talk to people who could relate.

ehBeth, I would appreciate you not replying to my threads from now on. You're not helpful.

Everyone who responded suggested counselling. You might want to ask yourself why that happened.

Maybe I was not quite clear in getting my point across to you. 15 years after forgiving her and repairing your marriage, you somehow found the overwhelming need to re-open an issue simply because you saw the guy's name on FB? To me, that screams that you have never forgiven your wife and that you still have issues to resolve. Do you not understand that when you forgive someone for something, you move forward and do not bring it up again. Think about how you made your wife feel by suddenly bringing this up again after 15! long years.

This is why we are suggesting counseling. You are still torturing yourself after claiming to forgive and after bettering your marriage. If you don't want to talk to someone about it, then that is certainly your choice. But then what happens in another year or so when something triggers your memory again and you feel the need to bring it up to your wife again?

Agreed. I personally am not a huge fan of counseling, but sometimes it just makes sense. And in this case, for someone who went to the lengths you went to find info on a 15 year old affair, I think it might be a good thing to consider.

My mom had an affair many, many years ago. When dad found out, he was devastated. The made the decision to stay together. They worked things out. Once they did, neither of them ever brought it up to the other again. It was over. It was done. Dad forgave. The person she had the affair with owned a shop that dad had to pass nearly every day on his way to work. But he never came home and started insisting on more details. That is forgiveness. That is how you get past it. When he died last year, they were a few months short of celebrating their 56th anniversary. (I relate this just so you can see that in some way I can relate a little bit to what has happened to you.)

In short, just let it go. Get counseling or not. But you will do your relationship no good if you continue to bring this up every time something triggers a memory.

You might want to ask yourself why you start every post with, "You might want to ask yourself..."

Please don't reply to my posts again.

I'm sorry your family went through that.

I feel you're right; forgiveness means, you're done. This pulling information out of a decade and a half (or older) old computer was an intentional act requiring a lot of work and forethought. It was not a "let's see what happens" behavior; it was a deliberate and not so easy act.

Hence the suggestion of counseling.

I have a pet peeve that maybe you can help me understand. I do not get why someone would come to a forum such as this for advice and then get ticked off and snotty with people who give advice simply because it is not what they wanted to hear or because they do not wish to follow said advice. Maybe you could explain that to me.

Nobody is forcing you to follow anyone's advice. After all, you are the only one who truly knows all the particulars of your situation. We can only comment on and advise based on what you choose to tell us and without knowing the other person involved.

You might want to ask yourself why you are being so snippy with people who took the time to give you advice that you asked for, regardless of whether or not you agree with it.

Maybe a simple "thank you" and then move on. But then, it seems the whole moving on thing is what you have trouble doing.

15 years ago, my wife was extremely addicted to pain pills and taking 10 Vicodins a day. After DD we did our best to reconcile, but she never did the work she needed to do to repair our marriage. If you go out and buy a book about helping your spouse recover from your affair she did everything wrong. But I loved her so much, I did forgive her. But... I never recovered. I buried it and it all came rushing back when I saw this guys picture on my PC. I met the guy, I met him during their affair. I sat across the room from him the night after he had sex with my wife.

So, that's why it came rushing back. Not because I never forgave her, because I had never healed. I hope you understand now.

As far as counselors go, I have no faith in that profession. My wife saw 4 counselors starting right after DD. Saw one for 3 years, and the others for a few months each.

None of them helped her in anyway. Didn't help her with her addiction issues. The first one said taking 10 Vicodins a day wasn't an addiction, she was just misusing.

I brought things up to my wife because she could tell something was wrong. I started crying in my sleep and she kept having to wake me up. Never attacked her, just tried to hide my hurt and kept hoping it would just go away. Never wanted to bring this up again.

Finding the old PC happened while I was up the attic bringing boxes down. Saw it, and the flashbacks continued. I booted it up without really thinking what I was doing, and the next thing I'm looking in the Yahoo log directory and stepped into a hornets nest. Once I started reading I couldn't stop.

My memories have been triggered many times over the years, but I've always been able to stuff it back down. This time for some reason the flood gates just opened and it all came back. Porno movies of them started playing in my head because of what I had read.

Again, I'm not hear to punish my wife. I'm here for some understanding. This is my last attempt at getting at least a little empathy here.

I've gotten no advice.

I ask a lot of questions - there's no doubt about it. We can't know what's going on in your head, or why you do the things you do. You are the one who might be able to figure it out - if you think about it. If you're not willing to go to counselling, you are going to have to sort this out for yourself - and asking yourself questions will help you with that process.

You can ignore me. You can ignore my questions. You can put me on ignore. You can choose not to try and heal.

Your recovery is up to you, not random people on the internet.