Unique Situation

Actually, you're wrong. I'm a Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer. Have been since 1999. Turning on an old laptop and looking in a directory took me less than 5 minutes.

You have to understand, because I was triggered into severe flashbacks, I was ruminating.

I honestly don't understand why I'm being criticized here.

See, I was under the mistaken impression this was a support board. I was a member of the Beyond Affairs support group back in 2000 when it happened and the people were very helpful, because they were all betrayed spouses.

Lot's of help from people who have been through it. That's what I was looking for here.

I was mistaken. I don't know what this is, but it's not a support board.

I think most of us, women or men, have at least some sympathy or empathy for someone who has been cheated on during a marriage. Some of us may have some sympathy for not wanting to see a counseler.

There are questions many have about what on earth love even means after all is said and done, and that is understandable, something people work out for themselves, even sometimes changing about that, one way or another. And sometimes they work it out with the spouse, again, one way or another.

Right now your world is rocked. I do get and agree with the reasoning for the suggestions you see a counseler, presumably a good one, to help you work through this spiral.

Why you would seek empathy from a bunch of strangers, and what real good that would do you, is beyond me. Look, I can imagine how hurt you were. Our minds work in strange ways. Memories can be wonderful. Sitting here yesterday, out of the blue, a memory of my brother crossed my mind and brought both a smile and a tear. (He died this past August at 54 from cancer.) I was not particularly thinking about him. I was simply working at my desk and something in the recesses of my mind triggered the memory. So I do get the idea that for the rest of your life, you may well be sitting around and something may trigger the memory of the hurt your wife's affair caused you.

But it is how you handled this triggered memory this time that we are addressing. You handled it poorly. You went full blown obsessive and let it affect your behavior and your relationship with your wife in the here and now.

Sure you did. For the reason in my above paragraph, every one of us (not going to re-read to be sure) suggested you might want to try talking to a counselor. I don't give that advice lightly because like you, I am not real big on counseling. But in this case, I think it would be a good thing. But to claim you've been given no advice is incorrect. Whether you take the advice is totally up to you. Ignore it for all we care. Maybe someone else will come along and give you different advice. Maybe you end up talking to a friend who gives you different advice because he is in a spot to know more about you and your wife's character/personalities. But when you go looking for empathy and advice from strangers, we are going to tell it like it is because we have nothing to lose. You do not know us and so we are not worried about hurting your feelings or giving advice that might anger you. You hear it straight. And our advice for the most part is to consider counseling. Take it or leave it. No skin off our backs. Just don't get all ticked off at someone for giving you that advice.

I wish you well.

Hiya. Do you know what the Ignore function is? If you don't want to see a member's posts on your feed, you can go their profile and look for "Ignore User." Click that and you'll never see another of their posts unless it gets quoted by a third party. Hope that helps.

Here's a thought. Maybe, because your wife was addicted, she didn't remember all the details?
And you've gotten a lot of help. Just not what you wanted to hear. Sounds like your marriage, your wife has answered your question, but not to your liking and now, well, you've started the poor me victim thing.
You can't trust her. You won't trust the good advice you've received here. You're doomed. Go in peace.

Quite honestly does it really matter the details? She cheated on you -- you "forgave" her and you too worked it out. You have been happy since - she earned your trust again so why all the drama now? The details and what was said does not matter - is that what is she now?

To put it in perspective - say she wrote all this sexual stuff to someone else even before you met - to add fuel to the fire - she made fun of men that are similar to you - then she met you and you got married. Would it matter her past relationship? Childish things she might have said? Hurtful things she might have said?

It sounds to me like you lack confidence in yourself -- it sounds like you did not fully forgive her if you were so quick to go to such lengths as hunt down an old computer and search especially knowing as you state you do that this facebook contact was just more random connection than either searching each other out.

I rational person that had forgiven the situation would have maybe spoken to his wife about it -- not go out on a witch hunt. Others mentioned you need to speak to a counselor to learn how to deal with something you obviously never really gotten over.

And our support is suggesting going to counseling. You haven't let go - we are not professional counselors so when things get a bit out of control or what most of feel is beyond what we could provide for advice.

If some one writes in I fell and my leg is killing me and twisted the wrong way - would we suggest ah happened to me, just put an ace bandage on it and ice it....no we would say seek medical attention.

We are supporting you -- you just want us to say something else --- to support that you should be upset and that you should act irrational.

Question -you said your wife went to counseling -- did you ever go to counseling?

Is your wife still addicted? If not, then how did she overcome addiction? By herself? You also have to realize that not all counselors are right for a particular person -- it isn't a clear science -- and there are some bad apples.