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Mon 9 Nov, 2015 09:53 am
So my gf and i have been together close to 3 years. She's my best friend and i love her with all my heart. For the past couple of months, however, things have been getting worse and worse. To her, I am too affectionate. To me, she is not enough. She no longer feels passionately about me although I still do. We've been trying to work things through but it seems every time things start looking good again, something happens and we're back at square one. Case in point. Her and I spent a great Saturday together. We pregamed, went to a college football game, visited some family, and ended the night cuddling and watching a movie. The next day I see her again and she's just so much more distant. Wont kiss me, wont hold my hand, idk. We end up visiting some more family together and her tire blows in the driveway while we are visiting. Me being the caring and loving boyfriend that I believe I am immediately spring into action to change the tire. She straight up tells me not to and that I should spend time with my family while i have the chance. I wait around for a couple of min before i end up going out and changing the tire anyway. I'm just trying to help and doing what i think is right. Trying to care for her and all. She's wearing a dress and wanted to do it by herself later when everyone was gone (she doesnt live at this house). Well she got angry, naturally, like really angry. Later that night we had a huge fight because of the principle of the thing and the fact that i didn't respect her wishes. I do feel bad about that but I had good intentions that she can't seem to grasp. I know she doesn't "need" my help but if I'm willing and able, I'm going to give it. I was raised that way. Anyway, fight got out of hand and a whole bunch of other issues started coming up. This was a online chat fight no less (she is so bad at communication sometimes, just bottling it all up inside until it explodes out) and so it's so hard to stay on and address every point. She told me she had fun the previous day but one day was enough and she needed a break from me the second day. I just dont get it! The day before she was calling me her best friend and praising me for taking care of her when she got a lil too drunk (i was happy to do so) but then I guess one day together is all she can manage. Like I said, 3 years we've been together. I wanted to marry this girl for the longest time but things just keep getting worse and worse. I love her so much and I don't want to lose her but I fear I already have. When things were good with us, they were great. Amazing even. I have so many fond memories. We were unseperable. The thing that kills me the most is that I still feel that same way about her but i know it's not nearly as strong of a feeling for her now. I'm just posting looking for advice. I feel like i've hit rock bottom. Should we break up? Counseling? Am I fully in the wrong?
@valarmorgoulus,
valarmorgoulus wrote: To her, I am too affectionate.
The next day I see her again and she's just so much more distant. Wont kiss me, wont hold my hand, idk.
She straight up tells me not to and that I should spend time with my family while i have the chance. I wait around for a couple of min before i end up going out and changing the tire anyway.
listening to her words and body language could help
@ehBeth,
@ehBeth
I agree on listening to her body language. When I notice she is distant physically, I don't push it. I've made that mistake in the past. In regards to going against her wishes, I know she knows how to change a tire but she didn't even have the proper tools in her car to do it. I used mine. And the bolts were rusted on and I had to use all of my strength to get them off. She wouldn't have been able to do it so I did.
@valarmorgoulus,
Quote:she is so bad at communication sometimes, just bottling it all up inside until it explodes out)
This and the mixed messages is a BRF - Big Red Flag. It Suggests that for whatever reason, she is cooling on the relationship. I could be wrong though.
If she won't be up front about where she is, your only option is to take what she says at face value and give her the space she wants and see what happens. She might be one of those people that need alone time. I am myself & lucky to have a GF that needs the same. She does communicate well though so we both know what's going on.
@valarmorgoulus,
That might be all true about the tire issue...but what she is saying to you is what matters. She needs some distance. Give her the space to feel that her wishes are being respected.
Remember, she's not asking for a break-up..just some space. Keep cool. if she is accepting of counseling..that might help...but right now she needs a little cooling off and some distance.
@valarmorgoulus,
She asked/told you not to change the tire. You've got to respect that.
If she'd gone out later and discovered she was having trouble, she might have asked you and then been happy that you helped. You managed to prevent that from happening.
There was no upside to you changing the tire after she said not to.
@Leadfoot,
She's already cool unfortunately. I know that. But I also know that she cares deeply for me and is hoping things will warm up for her again. It's hard though, because that means I need to somehow change or just wait and hope it happens naturally.
@ehBeth,
Very good point as to what EhBeth wrote.
@ehBeth,
I had to leave for a prior engagement. I was short on time and I would not have been there when she was having trouble later. No one would have been there actually. The get together was disbursing and she wanted to deal with the tire after everyone left.
@valarmorgoulus,
Quote:...because that means I need to somehow change or just wait and hope it happens naturally.
Also, she needs to change and mature, too. Is he feeling smothered?
Change can be good...and is ultimately ...a requirement of any LTR.
All relationships change over time. There's an ebb and flow of passions, etc. If I were a betting man, I'll bet there's a lot going on for her outside of the relationship that is stressing her out, too.
Try not to panic.
@valarmorgoulus,
The circumstances are not as important as her feeling that she was not heard and her wishes NOT respected.
Doesn't she have AAA or some road repair service? Somehow she might have had a solution without your taking over - even if it was inconvenient or a bit more impractical.
@valarmorgoulus,
see - now I'm starting to get pissed off with you because you're not listening
she told you not to change the tire
you did anyway
you didn't listen
fine - you'd be gone, everyone would be gone, she'd have to figure the tire thing out herself, somehow
you needed to let her do that
@valarmorgoulus,
Quote:But I also know that she cares deeply for me and is hoping things will warm up for her again.
Reminds me of an ex GF of mine I met 28 years ago who still 'cares for me deeply'. She and her current husband recently came by for a pleasant 2 day visit when they were in town for a HS class reunion. She is cooling off in her current marriage as she did in several other relationships over the years.
And she still cares deeply for every one of them. In her own way, I think she means it.
You may have to decide if you want to be a member of the club.
@Ragman,
Smothered may be the right word, it may not be. We've talked about this. She doesn't feel as strongly about me as I do about her and so when I express my affection (even in just words) it can make her uncomfortable... sometimes... She does have a lot of other stresses outside of our relationship. She's worried about her future. About becoming insignificant. Not having a good job or education. Or not fulfilling her dreams. That's what I think started the whole downward slope. It still frustrates me though because I have been nothing but supportive. When she quit school, I supported her. When she ranted about her crappy job, I listened and provided support. When she got a great opportunity to move across the US for a couple of months for a new job, I was sad but also excited for her and supportive. She leaves in less than 2 months. I know the space will be good for both of us but with so little time we have left I want to cherish every moment with her instead of disagreeing and fighting. I'm conflicted if we should break up before she leaves.
@valarmorgoulus,
And you didn't listen. I'd be pissed off, not to mention cool, too.
You do not own her.
@valarmorgoulus,
Quote:It still frustrates me though because I have been nothing but supportive.
But...it's not about you...(or the other partner in the generic couple). It's about what that person needs. Eventually, this will work out, though it feels unbearable now.
Quote:When she ranted about her crappy job, I listened and provided support. When she got a great opportunity to move across the US for a couple of months for a new job, I was sad but also excited for her and supportive.
Again, stay supportive. Why be doomsday about this. Let things settle down. No need to change your level of support. You were consistent before? Then keep being consistent. And let time and some distance heal or help the process along.
Are you strong? Than stay strong. Put on your big-boy pants.
@Ragman,
You're right. But she doesn't know what she needs (she's told me) and neither do I for that matter. So me being supportive is the only thing I can think to do. I hate to have to give her space right now because every day that goes by is one more day closer to her leaving. If we can't mend our relationship before she leaves, i'm not sure it should continue.
@ossobuco,
Never said I did. I like to care for her and I like it when she cares for me. A relationship is a two person team. We both support one another.
@valarmorgoulus,
You hate to give her the space? Then you want to push her into a breakup or not being respectful of her wishes?
Quote:But she doesn't know what she needs (she's told me) and neither do I for that matter.
If you don't know what you want and she doesn't that's all the more reason why you should back off.
Perhaps because you keep crowding her and blowing past her wishes to figure things out on her own.
Back off, Jack!
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