Long Term Relationship Becoming Strained

@valarmorgoulus,

valarmorgoulus wrote:

When she got a great opportunity to move across the US for a couple of months for a new job, I was sad but also excited for her and supportive. She leaves in less than 2 months. I know the space will be good for both of us but with so little time we have left I want to cherish every moment with her instead of disagreeing and fighting. I'm conflicted if we should break up before she leaves.

you would break up because she'll be away for a couple of months?

really?

might as well break up if the bond is so fragile

1 Reply

@Ragman,

Ok, point taken.

So what do you suggest? We had a big fight last night. Just stay silent until she contacts me? What if that's not for over a week or longer? When do I take matters into my own hands in order to make one last attempt to salvage our relationship?

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@valarmorgoulus,

valarmorgoulus wrote:

It still frustrates me though because I have been nothing but supportive.

this has come up a lot over the years here. men want to be able to DO something for their partner. women often just want someone who will listen, be supportive, maybe offer advice if asked ... but don't want the other person to actually do anything about the problem they're having.

___

I was going to say some people/some people but anecdotally it does seem to be a gender thing (at least among people who post here)

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@valarmorgoulus,

valarmorgoulus wrote:

If we can't mend our relationship before she leaves, i'm not sure it should continue.

why?

maybe the distance will be good for both of you and the relationship

and really, it's only two months. that's nothing in the scale of life

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

It is fragile. Very fragile but with deep roots. I can't stick around forever in a relationship with a woman whom I love but doesn't love me back. I can't wait half a year to find out she definitely wont ever love me as much as I want to be loved. If that's the case, it should end so that I can find that person.

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@valarmorgoulus,

Quote:

I like to care for her and I like it when she cares for me. A relationship is a two person team. We both support one another.

You might give caring for a pet. She's not your pet or your child.

A person in a relationship requires a special kind of caring. Sometimes it requires the appropriate level of caring of being there is when (and if) the person needs and ASKS for help.

In a parental relationship with a child, you need to let the bird fly on their own. This is not supposed to a parent-child relationship. Let her have her growth...even if the temporary feeling you have is that you feel the loss. Her well-being is her responsibility. You can and should only help when you are asked. That is what needs to be changing and should be changing. What went on before was dependency.

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@ehBeth,

She leaves in less than 2 months. She will be gone for 4, home for 6 weeks, and then she'll have the decision to go back for another 4 months. She's not sure what she'll decide yet.

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@valarmorgoulus,

Overriding her choice is bullying.

I'm aware of what a relationship is. You seem to not get it.

Support is fine, no one said support is bad. Overriding is.

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@valarmorgoulus,

That is good. That is how she is growing and her path. Bravo to her.

In the last 90 minutes several excellent people here on the forum responded to you. That is a good thing for you. Perhaps what you should do now is stop and reread all of the advice you've been given.

Sometimes good advice is hard to hear and let sink in.

1 Reply

@valarmorgoulus,

Quote:

so that I can find that person.

Ah, the age old thing of 'The One'.

Let it go.

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@valarmorgoulus,

You're still talking about very small periods of time.

In any case, consider apologizing to her about changing the tire against her direct request.

If/when both of you are feeling more relaxed, take some time to talk about her plans for the next year.

It's already going to be stressful with Remembrance Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's in the period between now and when she leaves. Try and make the time together as relaxing and stress-free as possible for both of you.

1 Reply

@Ragman,

Yes, bravo to her. Like I said, I'm very excited and happy for her. A little sad because she'll be gone but overall happy. But time is ticking.

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@valarmorgoulus,

Quote:

But time is ticking.

Pressure..pressure. Let go of the steering wheel and gas pedal.

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@ehBeth,

They don't seem small to me. Especially if she leaves on bad terms.
I've already apologized. I've tried talking about plans with her but it always just stresses her out because she doesn't know. I will try to enjoy our time together as much as possible. Can't do that when she's not talking to me though. I'm just playing the waiting game now.

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@valarmorgoulus,

valarmorgoulus wrote:

I can't wait

valarmorgoulus wrote:

time is ticking

even across the interwebs you seem anxious

you need to chill for your own sake

1 Reply

@Ragman,

... and i'll fly right off the cliff.

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@ehBeth,

I am very anxious. She is the most important thing in my life and I don't want to lose her. I try to stay calm around her but inside im not.

1 Reply

@valarmorgoulus,

Quote:

She is the most important thing in my life and I don't want to lose her.

Put on your big boy pants.

You can't lose what is not yours. You don't own her. Rely on the strength of the relationship to be able to handle the time apart. Unless, you anxiety is connected to you not trusting that what you have together is real.

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This can't end well...

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@Ragman,

LOL, good one. I knew that would be misinterpreted. She gave her heart to me and I gave mine to hers. I'm not sure it is real anymore. Maybe we are both just hanging onto threads because they help us feel anchored. Our history together is what is keeping this relationship alive right now. That, and the hope that things will get better.

2 Replies

Long Term Relationship Becoming Strained

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