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annoyed in texas...

 
 
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 12:25 pm
I'm a married housewife and my husbands cousin recently moved in his cousin is extremely touchy feely always trying to hug or touch me in some way and when i have brought the issue up to my husband he said he would have a conversation with him but now he just does it when my husband isn't home and it makes me feel very uncomfortable because he does it infront of my children and around my mother what do i do?
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Type: Question • Score: 11 • Views: 2,281 • Replies: 59

 
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 12:30 pm
@nicole88,
Your husband and you, together, need to talk to the cousin again.

Tell him in no uncertain terms that it's hands-off time.

Go nuclear if you have to, and threaten to throw him out on his ear if he gets fresh again.

Personally, I am a hugger, but I know it can creep people out. And if someone told me to stop, I would. I wouldn't sneak in a hug if I had been told not to. That's just rude and disrespectful. One can be affectionate and even demonstrative without trying to undermine others.

Plus you're the hosts. Your house, your rules. Period. It's not even up for debate.
nicole88
 
  1  
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 12:39 pm
@jespah,
It's not just hugging he makes remarks like "i'm jumping in the shower would you like to join me",or if i sit on the couch he rests his legs on me. he has even gone as far a to insinuate my husband wouldn't mind sharing me with him, it just scares me because I dont know what to expect when we are home and my husband leaves and i dont want to cause a family argument they grew up together so i'm not sure if i should bite my tongue and stick it out or just ask my husband to kick him out...
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 12:43 pm
@nicole88,
nicole88 wrote:
i dont want to cause a family argument


listen to jespah

your house, your rules

if he can't be respectful toward you, he needs to leave
0 Replies
 
Linkat
 
  5  
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 12:43 pm
@nicole88,
Why don't you speak up for yourself. Tell you when he touches you it makes you feel uncomfortable. And if he does it/when he does it - tell him right then - say please do not hug me, touch me whatever it is. Say it firm but politely - I think it would be good for your children to see you stand up for yourself -- it would be a good role model for them to learn you can be polite, but firm.

Also, let your husband know he is doing this when your husband isn't around. Don't worry about the family fight - you are entitled to be comfortable in your own home. You can also be direct, but polite about it to your husband - saying I really don't want to start a family fight, but I cannot live this way. And tell him exactly what has been going on.

Do you have a deadline when he is to move out? If not I think this should be a discussion as well.

And going nuclear when he does - I see no problem with that especially after you ask him to stop. I bet he would --- it would most likely shock him.
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 12:45 pm
@nicole88,
nicole88 wrote:
because he does it infront of my children and around my mother what do i do?


you talk to your husband

you both talk to his stupid cousin

you speak up loudly to him when he's inappropriate

if your husband isn't ready to kick him out, have your husband take his key and make it clear he's only welcome while your husband is in the house
nicole88
 
  1  
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 12:49 pm
@Linkat,
I just dont want to be the cause of a rift between my husband and his cousin and wouldn't want him to resent me if they had a falling out. I have told my husband and he kind of seemed just annoyed and told me to talk to him but i feel like he should have the conversation with him because he is the one that allowed him to move in.
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 12:55 pm
@nicole88,
Tell your husband you both need to have a conversation with his cousin about his behaviour and to confirm when he is leaving. Schedule the discussion for this weekend, before the football games.

Then you need to speak up every time his cousin is inappropriate - regardless of who is around.

Linkat is right, your kids need to see you standing up for yourself.

0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  4  
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 12:56 pm
@nicole88,
nicole88 wrote:
I just dont want to be the cause of a rift between my husband and his cousin and wouldn't want him to resent me if they had a falling out


what kind of relationship do you have if your husband would take up for his cousin instead of you?
Linkat
 
  2  
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 12:59 pm
@nicole88,
Of course you don't want a rift between them - you are thoughtful and kind.

Basically you have a few choices here - get your husband involved and have him talk again to his cousin; you speak up for yourself and be firm; or continue to have this cousin pretty much sexually harass you (which in my opinion is what he is doing).

My personal thing - I would tell him to stop, if he continued, I would probably kick him in the balls (well maybe not) - but I would go nuclear as was suggested.

You need to do what is more comfortable for you - I would not suggest the last item as no one should be taken advantage of. Oh and if I was in Texas, I'd come over and tell the little sh*t a thing or two for you --- I'm too far away though.
nicole88
 
  1  
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 01:04 pm
@ehBeth,
He recently got out of the military and has ptsd and has gone through therapy and has just gotten his depression and anxiety under control i'm just trying not to set him back on all of his progress. I don't think he would put his cousin before me, it just upsets me that this is even happening and is a situation that i am actually dealing with. We don't have a bad relationship just an odd circumstance i guess..
nicole88
 
  1  
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 01:07 pm
@Linkat,
Thank you for your kind words and i just wish i was more outspoken and maybe this would have never been an issue...
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  4  
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 01:11 pm
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:
Oh and if I was in Texas, I'd come over and tell the little sh*t a thing or two for you --- I'm too far away though.


that's actually not a bad idea - getting support from friends/family

not that they'd be as good as someone from Massachusetts
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 01:19 pm
@nicole88,
He? Your husband or his cousin is ex-military?

If it's your husband, then I assume (hope) he has a counselor. See if you can go some time, and bring it up there. You want to be a part of your husband's recovery but, at the same time, your person is being violated. The counselor can be the impartial third party to turn to your husband ask him WTF he's waiting for in terms of talking to his cousin.

If it's the cousin with the PTSD then a part of your 'come to Jesus' discussion has to be to set a date for him to be out and a date for him to get treatment. You are not the man's mother but, at the same time, it would demonstrate compassion (which he really doesn't deserve, but I understand your need to keep the peace) even as you set boundaries and tell him to keep his grubby paws to himself.

Frankly, if my husband's cousin suggested we shower together, I would tell him his next showers while living under my roof would be at the YMCA down the street.
nicole88
 
  2  
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 01:31 pm
@jespah,
My husband has PTSD but they are both ex military but i have never gone to my husbands therapy sessions maybe i should go and see if we can have actual conversation about his cousin.

As of right now i'm just trying to stay away from his cousin my husband is out of town for the weekend sadly so i'm stuck with his cousin for the next few days.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 01:41 pm
@nicole88,
Tell his cousin to go to a hotel for the weekend ... or following Jespah's suggestion, he can go to the Y for the weekend.
nicole88
 
  1  
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 01:49 pm
@ehBeth,
He has a party to go to tonight, "is it bad i'm secretly wishing he gets too drunk and passes out at the party so I wont have to see him until tomorrow?'
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 02:11 pm
@nicole88,
Hey, you feel what you feel. Maybe they'll play this at the party? Wink

nicole88
 
  1  
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 02:15 pm
@jespah,
I have never heard this song before maybe i should just play this really loudy all the time around him... Maybe he will take the hint
FOUND SOUL
 
  2  
Reply Fri 23 Oct, 2015 02:57 pm
@nicole88,
Put a lock on your bedroom door from the inside, then 1) you are safe and 2) your Husband may get the realisation on, that you are scared more so. That is what I am feeling.
0 Replies
 
 

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