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Tue 11 Aug, 2015 05:46 am
First I fully admit that I've made many mistakes in our marriage of 17 years. I've not given her the attention she needs and we've grown apart. I did what I thought I should in the marriage, I cooked,shopped, cleaned,provided, etc. yet I wasn't attendant to her needs. But I never thought that she would leave me for an internet relationship.
About a two weeks ago she informed me that while she still loves me, something was missing and she didn't think we could get it back. She then told me she was leaving to move in with her internet love, whom she's never met or seen. I did all the wrong things, pleading, crying, talking all to no avail. She was to fly out at 5:15 AM, she was staying at my son's house near the airport. At 3 AM I got a call from her to come and get her. She texted her friend that she was sorry but couldn't get on the plane.
We hugged and talked through the morning and she was smiling again. For the next few days all was well. She was still on the game site where she met him and he was there making snide remarks and generally running her down. She told me what a jerk he is and couldn't believe she was about to leave me for him. She told me she wanted to be my wife and grow old with me. We went over the things she was troubled by and made lists and goals of how to overcome them.
Two nights ago, she was crying in her chair. She told me she missed him and still thought the she needed to get to him. I was floored. I begged her not to contact him (ex cop, very good manipulator) as her feelings would pass. She said she didn't want them to pass. Though she acknowledges that he is a big time player, bragging about all the women he's bagged on the internet, she contacted him. As I told her, he said he forgave her, and his home is still open to her.
Since then, it's been nothing but chat and text between them. She does it while I'm in the room, not bothering to hide it.
In my heart, I still love her more than ever I have loved another. But am I a fool? If she treats me this way, delaying her leaving until the end of the month while I sit watching her (figuratively) have a relationship with him, what does that say for our chance at reconciliation?
I know there's a chance this will fizzle out soon after they meet. Internet personna are rarely reality. I pray for her to realize what she has with me and either stay now or come back soon. I fear for her safety, going to a strange man in a strange state. She knows nothing about him other than what he's told her.
I love her. I want and need her. She's bound and determined (at this moment) to leave me. She's removed her wedding band (I believe at his behest). I'm willing to forgive and forget, to move on to the life we had planned. If she finds her way back, she'll find open arms. If not, not sure what I'll do.
Thanks for reading this
Steve
@Coolbus,
Yes, it hurts. It hurts a lot. I am sorry for what you are going through.
Reading this as a third party (I have experienced these emotions in my own life, but I am not involved in your story), it seems impossible that you will ever be happily married to this woman. Your wife is not only cheating on you, but she is being incredibly cruel about it.
Try telling this story in third person (as if it were happening to Max instead of to you) and think about what you think about his situation.
The only way to get through this is to start the process of moving on. You need to accept the fact that this marriage is over and that the longer you try to hold onto it, the more you are going to be hurt.
Deal with the emotions, start getting your life ready for moving on. Work on strengthening your friendships, making new friends and getting a support system.
This is really difficult to go through. You can get through it. Looking back on my own divorce, ending a hurtful, failing marriage was the best thing to do for my own happiness; even though it was painful to go through.
As a condition of you taking her back, she should have stayed OFF the computer.
What does she miss? The excitement, which is now an addiction. She misses FEELING that way, no necessarily him.
@Coolbus,
It's easy to take people's continued presence in our romances for granted. But marriage itself pretty much assumes divorce. Especially in our consumer societies where we lease instead of buy things much of the time. Used to be people lived in the same house for multiple generations, bought cars and repaired them instead of lease them for a couple years, etc. And I think that nowadays this tendency to borrow and lease has extended into relationships as well. Why work at fixing a broken relationship when you can go get another one? Unfortunate, but the way it seems to be.
My opinion based on similar experiences (absent marriage,) is if it's come to her saying she's leaving, and or has had someone else, it's way beyond salvaging. Let her go. Begging her to stay wont even be a bandage and just make you both miserable. You'll use the wish to leave to rapidly escalate any minor issue into a more significant one. And any seeming repair will simply be superficial.
17 years is a great run. But when it's over it's over.
@maxdancona,
In my mind it has all the earmarks of a mid life crisis. She says she loves me, but not like before. Says she's been unhappy for years, though she's just now brought it up.
@Coolbus,
Sorry to hear your story. I don't see any happy endings here. It would take a herculean effort on both your sides to get over the ongoing damage being done to both of you and it seems like one of you is not up to it. You could suggest going to counseling. Your wife clearly has no respect for your marriage or she wouldn't be doing this. She doesn't have any respect for you or she would do this is a less hurtful way. I'm not sure there is much here to save. I see you are doing a fair job of blaming yourself. I'm sure you are not perfect, but if you think this is mostly about how terrible you have been, I think you should reconsider. Maybe you aren't telling us the entire story, but from what you've posted, it sounds like you're an average joe making average joe mistakes and being treated very poorly. I don't think this is all about how terrible a husband you are.
@Coolbus,
Sounds like a crock of bs to me if she's been unhappy all these years, did what she did and is just telling you this now. I don't know in my case, I keep telling him my h I'm unhappy, need to leave and after years of being tossed wound up in an affair.. Which is the wrong thing to do. At what cost are you willing to go to to try save the marriage. Do you want to save it?
@Kyleah,
Saving my marriage is the most important thing in my life. I will do almost anything to have her stay. If she physically leaves, it will only make it harder, but if she doesn't, will she always have that thought in her head? She only makes small talk now and I try to stay away from talking about our relationship and getting her back. She knows where I stand, and she knows I can forgive her.
@Coolbus,
It is great that saving your marriage is the most important thing to you, but you shouldn't be willing to do almost anything to get her to stay. If she stays but there is no love and no respect, is it still a marriage? Also, you should be talking about your relationship constantly, not avoiding it. I also think she should know that there is a limit to how much abuse you are willing to take. I would give the same advice to a woman facing emotional abuse - at some point you will have to leave for your own health. Right now, she knows that no matter how much abuse she heaps upon you, you will still be there begging her to come back. Let's try a thought experiment. Switch the genders on this story and see what you would recommend a woman in your shoes. If your sister/cousin/friend's husband was on the Internet talking to women, threatening to leave all the time, taking off his wedding ring, would you tell her to be a doormat or would you tell her to take charge, set some boundaries and understand that the healthy solution might be to separate?
@Coolbus,
Code:Saving my marriage is the most important thing in my life.
That is like digging up someone from their grave where they have been dead for 6 months and saying "I need to save my friend!" It is not possible to save what is dead and gone.
@Coolbus,
Is it a marriage you want or a good relationship with someone who loves you?
@Coolbus,
Then do it. How about marriage counseling? Be open keep up the communication and lay it all out there. If she's not willing to listen and work on things the issue is with her. At least you will have done all you can on you're end. My best to you.
@ehBeth,
Up until a little while ago, I had a marriage and what I though was a good relationship with someone who loves me. She still says she loves me but not as before..
@Coolbus,
What are the chances she'll have her eyes opened to reality and see that the internet is loaded with liars and posers? What are the chances she'll have an epiphany and want to return?
@Coolbus,
This may not be the best site to ask that question at. We've got members who married after meeting online. We have members who ended marriages/relationships to be with people they met online. I'm with someone I met about 20 years ago at the site that preceded Able2know.
@Coolbus,
This isn't the internet's fault. It is her fault. She is the one who chose to do this. She is the one who chose to throw away the marriage.
The chances that she will respect you, or the marriage are zero. Even if she comes back, she is never going to respect you or care about the marriage.
You deserve better.
@maxdancona,
So the prevalent opinion is that this is irreparable and I shouldn't consider if she changes her mind at any time now or in the future?
@Coolbus,
Yes. In my opinion you need to end this chapter of your life and move on. This woman clearly doesn't want to be with you. She has said this. And she has said this in a rather cruel, disrespectful way to you. You deserve better.
You need to look after your own happiness. It is difficult to give up on a relationship. We invest so much into them; our hopes and our dreams and even our identities. That is why it hurts so much when they don't work. But this relationship is hurting you and this woman isn't showing any desire to do anything but hurt you.
So yes. My opinion is that this is over. Lick your wounds... heaven knows I understand how painful this is. Take some time to heal and then move on.
Once you accept the end and move on, then you can start healing. Lot's of us have gone through this, it gets better.
@Coolbus,
My opinion is you need to understand what you want from your marriage and see if your wife is willing to go there with you. What you are getting now is emotional abuse. I'm not saying lay down an ultimatum. Maybe something along the line of "I want to save what we have. Will you come to counseling with me to talk about our marriage?" If the answer is no, you've likely lost her. If her answer is "I'm going to try this other thing out and if it doesn't work, I'll come back to you" you need to think about that. Are you willing to pay the bills and wait by the phone while she's in a relationship with someone else? (Please say you aren't.)
@Coolbus,
Quote:First I fully admit that I've made many mistakes in our marriage of 17 years.
Who hasn't? But nothing to warrant this miasma of guilt you're struggling with.
Her treatment of you doesn't warrant this allegiance you've cultivated.
Turn out the lights.....the party's over.
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