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Is this reasonable? Or is it unfounded jealousy?

 
 
Reply Tue 31 Mar, 2015 11:42 am
My girlfriend has started college a few months ago. In general I have no problem with her acting, in fact, I've encouraged her to go on, and did a lot to help her get into acting school in the first place.
However, things are starting to get problematic for us. We live in different countries, and I come to visit her for 3 months at a time, and then leave until I am able to come back.
When I am not there, she has get-togethers and parties at our apartment, where all sorts people from her university come. That in itself is ok with me, but it has come to my attention they do all sorts of stuff like playing spin the bottle, strip teases, getting naked, etc...

And a lot of the times (or most) people end up staying over the for the night. Since it's a small place, people end up sleeping together on spare beds, couches, and even on our bed. On occasion other couples have had sex in our bed in the bedroom.
What really bothers me is that she sometimes sleeps in the same bed with other guys, who I know like her, and have been getting drunk at the party. There is no confirmation or evidence that she has had sex with them, and she swears this is all normal. She says I'm being weird by having a problem about her sharing a bed with other men.
Is this supposed to be normal? What do you all think, is it OK for people of the opposite sex to sleep in the same bed after a debacherous party normal? Am I being unreasonable by asking her not to do so?

Another issue we are having is that she insists in wanting me to be OK with her being naked in front of other people. She says that in acting class they don't have a place to change clothes, so they all have to change in front of each other. While I am not thrilled by the idea of other horny guys seeing my girlfriend in underwear, that is no where near as bad a fully nude. She says that she wants to do acting where she will be naked on stage in front of everyone we know. As well, she wants to do sex and kissing scenes, and says I need to be ok with that.
While I am ok with her doing these things if she ever has a serious role professionally, I feel apprehensive about her both being naked with, doing sex/kissing scenes with her classmates. She spends an awful lot of time with them, on average 10-12 hours every day, including after classes and on weekends. It's not like in professional acting where people doing a love scene meet only on the set, and then return to their normal lives. I simply don't like the idea of her being naked with and romantic with these people. I am being unreasonable here?

I know these are two very separate issues, and I'd appreciate an answer for both. I put them together in order to give a better perspective on what I'm going through. She has cheated on me with two other guys in the past, which was a traumatically painful experience for me. Last time was last July, and since them I've found it very hard to trust her or be OK with all these things she wants to do. I really love her, and have been with her 2.5 years now. I want to be with her for life, but I don't know if I will be able to cope with all these jealousies that she triggers in me.

Please help

 
Frank Apisa
 
  4  
Reply Tue 31 Mar, 2015 12:14 pm
@johndoe101,
Quote:
Please help


Get a different girlfriend.

From what you write...it is apparent the thing you are dealing with is out of your league.

It certainly would be out of mine. The only kind of guy who could handle this reasonably would be one who could join in with a smile on his face.

You are not that guy.

ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 Mar, 2015 12:16 pm
I'm a woman who agrees with Frank on this..
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 Mar, 2015 12:20 pm
@Frank Apisa,
ditto. Well said, Frank
0 Replies
 
johndoe101
 
  0  
Reply Tue 31 Mar, 2015 02:17 pm
@Frank Apisa,
When we first met, I used to be OK with all these things. With her going out with other guys, I never asked where she was or what she was doing. I knew she chatted and flirted with guys on facebook, and let it go as inconsequential. I was never jealous or even felt threatened by the fact that other guys were pursuing her.
In fact, I told her this was all normal for young people and that I was ok with that.

However, all this being OK with things was before I found out she had actually cheated.

After the first time 2 years ago, I was sad and told her I wasn't happy, but forgave her and gave our relationship another chance, because of the love I have for her.
Besides these things in the thread, she a wonderful girl, so sweet and gorgeous, and when things are good between us, its something magical.

A year passed, and when the second cheating passed, I was devastated, I broke up with her and left the country never to return.
She bought a plane ticket a week later and came found me where I was and begged me to give her another chance. She swore she would never ever cheat on me again.
I decided to give us a chance again, but now find it very difficult to trust. Our conversations continually turn into disagreements about things she does which I'm not OK with.

Really, what I would really appreciate from you guys is an impartial observation on if the "problem" here is something in me? or is the way she is behaving unreasonable?

I don't shy away from self-transformational steps and challenges, and if I need to change something, there is no league which would limit me.

If I could be shown how this is an issue in me specifically, I am willing to find a way to accept it and change in order to save this relationship.
If it's really her behaviour which is the issue here, it would clarify things for me greatly.


Thanks a lot for your time and response, much appreciated.
Frank Apisa
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 Mar, 2015 02:28 pm
@johndoe101,
Quote:
Really, what I would really appreciate from you guys is an impartial observation on if the "problem" here is something in me? or is the way she is behaving unreasonable?


She IS behaving reasonably and morally for her, John. In her mind she is not doing anything wrong.

It is almost certain that she is not behaving reasonably and morally in your mind.

You are probably going to be lead by your emotions rather than by any advice you get here; that's the way things go in these interpersonal relationship things. That is as it should be, because "advice" is cheap...and is a very easy thing to give from the sidelines!

You, however, are not on the sidelines.

Anyway, as I see it, this "behavior" is just the tip of huge iceberg.

You can choose to avoid the iceberg...or stay on course and let whatever happens happen.

Titanic!


johndoe101
 
  0  
Reply Tue 31 Mar, 2015 03:23 pm
@Frank Apisa,
Quote:
She IS behaving reasonably and morally for her, John. In her mind she is not doing anything wrong. It is almost certain that she is not behaving reasonably and morally in your mind.


I see you are hinting towards the non-universality of the acceptability of human behavior. Agree with this in the same manner that nothing is really "right" or "wrong", but simply so in the eye of the perceiver.
I'm not too concerned with the moral aspects, as those tend to be largely religiously defined and inherited.

I'm trying to approach this dilemma from the most objective point possible. Acknowledging my own nearsightedness, due to being involved in the question myself. As you say, it's quite easy to provide an impression to a 3rd party, but so hard to do so for ourselves.

Wasn't really looking for advice on what to do with the relationship, to leave or stay, but rather to gather the different points of view from an objective group of adults.

It's not that if a group says is alright, it will be OK, but it certainly helps in contrasting any hidden biases I might have missed in my point of view.

I want to discuss this further with her, and see if we can change our views/behaviour in order to be able to continue together. I'm not looking to leave her, I want to find the way to improve our situation, and that's where all your points of view are very helpful.

Quote:
From what you write...it is apparent the thing you are dealing with is out of your league. It certainly would be out of mine.


I wonder if there any people reading, for which this would be within their "league"?
If so, what's your reasoning in seeing this all as OK?
0 Replies
 
giujohn
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 31 Mar, 2015 03:55 pm
I'm assuming that you are from the states and she is not. I am always amused by the provincial attitudes torward sex and nudity in the U.S. In europe different sexes sleeping together w/o sex is normal. I remember being in europe in the 70s and using a public restroom...both men and women togethter; no big deal. Breif nudity on the telly like wise. I had to go to Canada to find a decent nudist camp that wasnt about people oggling one another.

You are way too unsophistiated, somewhat imature, naive and insecure to be with this girl. Also, I note with interest that you never said you had an exclusive relationship with her.

I would be flattered if some other guy found my girl hot. There is a lot to be said for playing the field at a young age. And at your young age having different partners should be the norm. It prepares you for the one (later on...much later) you will commit too.

Find a girl in the states you have more in common with.
johndoe101
 
  0  
Reply Tue 31 Mar, 2015 04:11 pm
@giujohn,
Having a bad day giujohn? Feeling the need to be rude to others?

Quote:
I'm assuming that you are from the states and she is not.


You know what assuming makes of people, right? Neither of us are from the US or Canada.

Quote:
You are way too unsophistiated, somewhat imature, naive and insecure to be with this girl. Also, I note with interest that you never said you had an exclusive relationship with her.


We are indeed in an exclusive relationship and in my early 30's.

We've been to nudist beaches together on many occasions, so it's not an issue of casual or temporary nudity. I'm referring to public nudity in front of everyone we know on repeated occasions, not in anonymous situations.

Your comment is quite unproductive, and based on several incorrect assumptions. You don't know us any further than this thread to have such an established opinion about us.

In any case, thanks for your "opinion", but no thanks.

Anyone else who would like to share their point of view, would be much welcomed.
giujohn
 
  0  
Reply Tue 31 Mar, 2015 04:46 pm
@johndoe101,
Quote:
We've been to nudist beaches together on many occasions, so it's not an issue of casual or temporary nudity. I'm referring to public nudity in front of everyone we know on repeated occasions,


Uh yeah...how much more "public" is a nudist beach?



Quote:
and in my early 30's.

Yeah...then let me just say...GROW UP.
johndoe101
 
  0  
Reply Tue 31 Mar, 2015 06:03 pm
@giujohn,
Quote:
Uh yeah...how much more "public" is a nudist beach?


The point is about knowing or not knowing the people who you are naked with. It's certainly different to be nude with perfect strangers, than it is with your coworkers or
acquaintances.

Quote:
Yeah...then let me just say...GROW UP


It has nothing to do with maturity. Sexual attitude is a highly variable and personal choice, with a very wide spectrum across nations and cultures. What is acceptable in one culture or social sector, might be quite rare in another. Reducing it to an issue of maturity, completely misses the point, and just confirms the irrelevance of your comments.



giujohn
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 Mar, 2015 07:15 pm
@johndoe101,
You can justify it any way you want, but in the end it's just skin man...get over it.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 Mar, 2015 07:26 pm
@johndoe101,
Is she also in her early 30's?

I have to say that as I read the description of her behaviour it sounded like that of a much younger person - say 18 to perhaps 21 or 22 - and it seemed like fairly normal play and exploration for the most part. It seems a little odd for an older woman, as does her understanding of adult relationships.
0 Replies
 
 

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