Husband says he thinks he's in love with his "friend"...??

I'll never forget my ex-husband telling me I'd never leave because I couldn't make it on my own.

(Notice, please...I said EX-husband.)

That was just what I needed. Knocked me out of my depression overnight. That made me so angry that I got a job within two weeks and doubled my annual salary every year for four years...AFTER I left him. (That wasn't the only reason I left by any means, but it sure helped.)

They're right when they say that "Living Well is the Best Revenge."

Of course, divorcing the SOB and sticking him with all the bills works, too. Well, after all, he was making sooooo much more money than me!!!

Don't convince yourself that he'll regret leaving you. It's possible that he never will. I just say that because if you have yourself set on some sort of emotional revenge, it could end up hurting you more if you don't get it.

WildGal

Try to concentrate on what's best for you & your child right now. Don't get diverted by hatred & revenge. It'll just sap your energy when you most need to save it for survival. You'll really need to have your wits about you to get through the coming months. Good luck!

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through WildGal. You've gotten some great advice here and it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, so hang in there. I've been watching Debra-Law's posts and I have come to value her experience and advice. She knows her stuff and I know I appreciate everything she has to say.

I'd also like to add that you not tell your husband anything that you're doing or planning. I made that mistake with my ex several times and it simply gave him time to prepare himself. Also, I believe you're entitled to alimony as well.

Best of luck to both you and your child.

Oh, YES, Montana! ABSOLUTELY do not tell him what you're doing or planning! I made that mistake myself. Ooh, how I wish I had kept my mouth shut.

Live & learn, right, cuz?

It's easier to say, but harder to do - to let go emotionally. Do things that interest you - stay active, and make outside friends. You need to get away from being alone for long periods of time. There are many good people out there in the 'real' world; I should know as I travel it frequently.

Ohhh, no doubt. I would blurt things out in the heat of anger and I made this mistake several times until I finally learned to button my lip. I have big time regrets for opening my big mouth and I learned a very long hard lesson never to do it again.

It only goes to show that some things are very much better left unsaid

I agree heartily with all the last three posts, Eva and Montana agreeing, and CI speaking re the sense of self.

So, peeps, what do y'all know about borderline personality disorder?

Why do you ask?

Yes, I'm curious here too. Are you referring to hubby or wife? BPD is basically Manic Depression lite, and is also a highly debated and controversial diagnosis. I have no clue what relevence it serves here.

i just wanted to add my two cents also....>again< hehe
I absolutly agree with the NOT telling him about your plans.
i also was one to blurt out my plans in hopes that they would scare my first husband into taking me seriously.
Well that blew up in my face and unfortunatly in my current husbands face too.
I told my first husband that if he didnt fix the problem we were having ( his drug use ) , that I was goin g to leave and I told him my ENTIRE plan....
He jumped state and left me hanging by my butt hairs... so to speak. hehehehe
I couldnt find him for 7 years. A divorce with out the ability to file abandonment was in the upwards of 1500$ with out a known address.
He didnt open any credit, no car purchases... nothing. My current husband couldnt marry me, or even put his name legally as the father on our daughters birth certificate because I wwas not able to get a divorce.
DONT TELL HIM ANYTHING.
that isnt being evil, that is being safe and also helping you keep your strength. You are stronger around someone who is tearing you down when you know the cards are stacked in your favor.
When you are prepared...NOONE can drop you on your face.

Good luck, best of love, best of strength and hopefully.. your life will fill out and be satisfying from today on. You deserve it and so does your daughter.

WildGal:

How did your talk with hubby go in the park on Thursday evening? Did he commit himself to working on the marriage or is he still undecided? Let us know if you're okay!

Debra

Well, the talk was 2 hours long in the parking lot of a bar because he decided at the last minute he didn't want to sit in a park and talk all night. He also showed up late. Now that I look back on it. Yes, he was still "controling" the situation at the time. We got no where in the talk really. The part that got to him the most was when I told him I know why he does the things he does and why he acts the way he acts... because inside he hurts just like me... and he doesn't have a strong self esteem either. And that's why he looks for outside sources to make himself happy. And how it doesn't matter who he is with, he'll never be truly happy until he knows how to make himself happy. Well, that really hit a cord with him. His eyes teared up and he didn't want to talk anymore. Then I told him how his daughter has been asking for him and I've been making excuses as to why we are now living at grandma's. He got out of the car and wanted to leave until I told him I was going into the bar. He came with me and wanted to have a "good time". Still, being the sucker I am, I went along with it and had a good time.
Saturday we met at Chuck E. Cheese so he could spend time with our daughter, again he showed up late because he just had to eat lunch with his friends. Well, he asked me when I was coming home and I told him... "I'm not, because I'm not the only one anymore!" I didn't cry until we were leaving and our daughter asked if he was coming to stay at grandma's too.
Today I met him so he could take our daughter for the night. He asked me for a kiss good-bye I told him "no, why?" He called me all night and wants me to come back and I refused. He even called me crying that he can't live without me and he's sorry for all this.... But when I told him you knew what you had to do and you didn't do it, he never said that he won't see her again. So WTF?? I guess, he thinks he can have both of us if he just works me over a bit. I don't know. I asked him when he called, "What do you want from me?" I still don't have any answers for my questions. So the best I can do is move on and hope my kid isn't going to be to messed up because of this.
I should really look at this like hey, i'm 25, i'm young and i've learn a life lesson, i've got my whole life ahead of me yet.
Thanks for all of your advice.

I'm curious what everyone else thinks. What should she tell her kid? I just bring it up, because I've never been confronted with this sort of situation, and a lot of you have. What has and hasn't been a good idea to handle children involved?

Wildgal
It is so sad to be going through this, but you are doing the right thing.

Sure--he's hurting--but you're right. He knew what he needed to do in order to keep his wife/family--but he wasn't willing to make the necessary commitment. It was extremely unfair and selfish of him to ask you to flounder in the wings while he sorted out his love feelings for someone else.

Your hubby cannot have both of you. If there is any chance at all for him to regain your love, respect, and trust, he MUST break off all ties to his "friend." He can't do that when he works with her everyday. He needs to find a new job, get the other woman completely and permanently out of his life, sincerely apologize for the hurt he has caused, and do everything in his power to satisfy YOUR emotional needs. If he can't or won't do that for the sake of the marriage, then you don't have a marriage worth saving.

Stay STRONG.

Hi, WildGal -

You've gotten a lot of great advice so far! Some very insightful people on here.

1. The issue at hand is not what you or the "other woman" looks like, or even with her being "better in the sack" than you are. It has to do with her happening to be available when your husband decided to stray. Please don't feel like "I must not be attractive enough." That has nothing to do with it.

2. I can understand your being upset with this woman, but you really should be more upset with your husband. She owed you nothing, he did. Also, if it weren't her he was running around with, it would have been somebody else. He was willing to cheat on you, and he did. Whomever he did it with doesn't really make any difference.

3. If he's 24 and has a 3-1/2-year-old my guess is that he's starting to wonder what he's missed by becoming an adult at age 20 or so. I've been there. Like I always say, hindsight is better than foresight and a 20-year-old is very very seldom ready to know who he/she is able to spend the rest of his life with (and at 20 the rest of your lives was a long, long time!) I'm not making excuses for him, but you guys were much too young to be in the situation you're in, and I think he was feeling suffocated and tied down. But no one forced him into marriage and parenthood. He made that choice. Now he's having trouble living with it.

4. If for some reason he does tell you he wants to work things out with you, will you ever be able to completely trust him again? Once people cross the line (any line) it tends to become much more difficult to keep themselves in check in the future. Maybe at that point counseling would be the way to get back on track.

5. If I understood the postings correctly, you aren't employed outside the home and he is? Depending upon the state you live in, you are entitled to alimony and child support. Check with your local legal aid office to find what you are entitled to in the event of divorce and how to find an inexpensive attorney. My husband is an attorney and in our state they are all requested by the Bar Association to do a certain number of hours "pro bono," (free of charge) as a service to the community. Ask around. Maybe a good divorce attorney in your community is looking for someone he/she can help out. If not, again, go to Legal Aid. They'll know how to help you. They deal with this every day (unfortunately.)

6. I've been a single mom myself. No one gets married and has children thinking they may be a single parent some day, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Yes, it's very difficult financially, emotionally and in just about every way possible. But sometimes it's unavoidable. You sound like a very sensitive and smart person. If you do end up in this situation, you'll have more than your share of problems, but you and your daughter will be much stronger in the long run as a result of it.

And don't let him (or your parents, your friends, or anyone else) decide what you're supposed to do with your life. That's for no one to decide but you. Can you go on in your marriage and get past this? Do you even want to?

Only you can answer these questions and whatever you decide for yourself is the correct answer.

Please let us know how it's going. Your job is to decide what you think is best for you and your child. No one else matters.

Well, here what's going on now....
I've moved back in and we're trying to work things out. He first begged me to come back and I said no, and I'm not coming back until he ends all contact with her, and goes to counseling with me. I don't know what's going to happen next. We've got an appointment tonight, we'll see if he goes. He is hesitate to go now that I'm back. But I'm trying to make him understand that he's going to have to go with me and show me he wants this to work.
He feels bad about all of this and cried a couple of times because he hurt me so bad. I know he's sincere about it, and we've been together for a long time. I think one of the problems was the fact that he wanted to have "fun". So did I, but with a small child and no one to babysit that gets hard to do. I was ok with him going out with his friends to have fun, while I stayed home every night. (I don't have any girl friends up here yet) (It's hard when you don't work and meet new people). Anyway, that was one issue, he was having fun going out with other people, and not me. We've got alot of issues to work out in counseling. Hopefully we can. Young or not we both always thought and still do that we have something special together. I understand not all young couples make it, but why can't we? Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic who believes we'll be fine... or maybe I'm just nuts. I guess we'll find out. Both of us just wouldn't feel right just walking away from this. I'll let you guys know what happens.

The best of luck to you WildGal. I hope everything works out ;-)

The fact that he cried and was sincere does not mean anything. I think all of us could foretell that he would regret his decision, but that is not what you need. I sincerely hope he is willing to change, but that will take a lot of commitment from him...