Husband says he thinks he's in love with his "friend"...??

Hating the other woman is misplaced anger. She's not the one who's betraying you...HE IS!!!

I'd take all the funds out of any joint accounts you have FIRST THING TOMORROW and put them all in new accounts in your name only. Think that's harsh? I've been there. If he finds out you're planning a divorce, he'll try to beat you to it. And you can take THAT to the bank!!! I've seen it happen a dozen times, and the wife is usually left penniless and in shock. Men always think of the money...women rarely do. Protect yourself.

Eva gives excellent advise; go to the bank and withdraw all your money before he does. Start a (secret) account at another bank - not the same one, because in California we have laws that allows spousal rights called "community property."

Hmm, me, I'd take half out, to the penny, and might call the lawyer first. But Eva is probably right and you can always give half back. That is, if you have funds to worry about.

On the other hand, you have to pay the attorney and you wouldn't have needed one except for his behavior.

I don't have experience in this, my ex and I talked straight to each other about stuff, and I know I was lucky. Perhaps Jespah will comment.

osso, She has to care for their daughter. Half back? I don't think so.

Nope, not half. Remember, she is not working. He will have continuing income.

You WERE lucky, osso. I've seen many normally fairminded people turn cutthroat during divorces. I imagine you have, too. And this guy has already proved he can't be trusted.

Yes, I have too. I just don't know what an attorney would say.

I'd be interested in hearing what jes has to say, too, but I suspect the law may differ in various places. In her place, I'd rather be safe than sorry. As you said, she can always give part of it back. But I wouldn't trust him to do the same.

Me either.

I don't think it's necessary or wise to rush into (or out of) anything right now. You're still in the heat of anger.

Can you stay with a friend or relative for a while? You definitely need to be away from each other, but rushing into legal stuff may not be the way to go.

Can you get him to go to counseling now, after all that's come out ? He needs to understand that he cannot have it both ways. He needs to think about what he really wants. So do you. One mistake does not necessarily end a relationship. If he will not talk with a counselor, perhaps a family social worker, a mutual friend, a respected relative ? ... someone he sees as impartial.

I would pack a small bag and leave while he's out. Go somewhere safe and let him know that, until he agrees to sit down and talk with someone, you're not coming back.

I don't know, angie .... It seems that HE has the problem of not knowing what he wants, so why shouldn't he be the one to leave & sort himself out? (Rather than WildGal & her child having to stay somewhere else indefinitely.)

I agree with angie.... dont rush OUT of anything, but do rush INTO protection,,, ie: Lawyers, New account like eva said, friends house etc..
start loading your 'guns' so to speak that way you are not dropped on your hind end if he walks in tomorrow when you think everything is ok for now and says " im leaving ".
Unfortunatly, from here on out one of the best pieces of advice you can take is what everyone has said..
STAY PREPARED.
Dont empty your joint account yet... but DO open your own so that if he does walk in and say he is leaving or if you decide to leave, all you have to do is call the bank and transfer funds ;-) Evil, yes , smart? You bet'cher ass!

Oh i wish you the best of 'luck' , strength, love, and wisdom right now. Where you are sucks! and no.. misplaced anger isnt what you need to do now.. remember it is HIM who instigated the relationship with HER ..... but sometimes it really does feel good to imagine the woman with her head up her rear end. hehehe.. at least it will give you a well needed chuckle.

No problem with opening a separate bank account in another bank. Hell, it's your right. You need not tell anyone you are doing that.

As for withdrawing funds, wait. You may or may not feel comfortable playing hardball and, once you start, it's a pretty slippery slope. So don't start unless you're ready, willing and able to see hardball through.

Separation of funds is a part of a separation (I know that sounds obvious). So if you're unprepared to take that step, don't start separating funds as of yet.

Talk to an attorney. Of course the laws will be different depending upon where you live. And, taking all of the cash out and taking your daughter could be construed as evidence of parental kidnapping. So, like I said, talk to a lawyer. Don't do anything that will or potentially could make things any worse for you. Naturally a lawyer is going to understand that better than we do (yeah, I'm a lawyer, but I did insurance defense, not family law). What I'm telling you, is you need someone with your own best interests at heart who is fully apprised of the law in your jurisdiction. Getting advice from an out of state attorney is no good because family law can be very, very different from state to state.

And I agree that anger at her is a misplaced emotion. She's just a gal. Yeah, she's a homewrecker, but if your husband wasn't interested in straying, he'd take one look at her and tell her to hit the bricks.

I think the local family counseling center can help tremendously in this kind of situation - inclding legal.

Listen to jes. She's right as usual.

Please tell my husband. Wait, I'll give you his number at work. :wink:

Re: Husband says he thinks he's in love


Hello WildGal:

So many people have given you good advice and support. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Even if you're not sure what you want to do--or what you ought to do--it's helpful to have a safe place where you can vent your feelings and gain some perspective.

You mentioned that you have been home with your daughter since she was born (3 1/2 years, I believe). You also mention that you are going through clinical depression and you're getting help.

I wonder what triggered your depression? It could be a multitude of factors, but you obviously weren't feeling good about yourself and your situation for quite some time. Maybe the depression was triggered by a sense of loss of self? A loss of independence and self-sufficiency? Maybe if you care to share a little more, we can get a sense of where you are.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I know that's a cliche, but maybe you need to tap into your former strength and independence that you undoubtedly had before you became a stay-at-home mom--before you became completely dependent upon your husband for emotional and financial support. Maybe, when you reclaim yourself, reclaim your strength, reclaim your independence--everything else will fall into place.

I practiced domestic relations law for years. A divorce can be as ugly or as easy as YOU want to make it. I don't know what state you live in--and certainly, domestic relations law can vary from state to state--but you ought to consider commencing an action either for divorce or separation and getting an "interim" custody and support order ASAP. If you can nail down your financial security, then maybe your dependence on him won't seem so agonizing.

Right now, your husband thinks he is holding all the financial cards. You asked him to move out--he refused. He knows you're not working, so he also knows you don't have the money to go out and rent your own place, pay the bills, and take care of your needs and your daughter's needs. He's taking advantage of your vulnerability and dependence on him. But why should you have to suffer by living under the same roof as him while he's figuring out his feelings about his "friend." He's either YOUR husband or he's not.

If your lawyer can work quickly to get an interim order in place for you, then you and your daughter can be awarded your current home and support--and your husband can be ordered to leave. In my state, the court will award attorney fees based upon need and ability to pay. Obviously, your need is great and the only one that has the ability to pay right now is your husband. Talk to your lawyer again!

Let us know how you are doing! Take care of yourself!

Wow! Great advice!

Debra, Just what the 'doctor' ordered. I'm just hoping things work out okay; it's a tough position for any young mother with a 3.5 year old daughter to find solutions. You have my thanks too!

The best of luck to you, WildGal! Be strong.

Re: Husband says he thinks he's in love


I think you are right. That was one of the things that I last talked about in counseling. I've become totally dependent on him and he knows that. I felt like i was worth nothing for a long time now. And looking back on it, he helped make me feel that way. Like, I didn't matter in the world because all I did was stay home with our daughter. I didn't contribute to the world financially, so I'm not progressing in life. He told me he wants to be around people who are progressing in life. As if to say I am not, because all I do is care for a kid at home. Like I was nothing. And looking back on it, even with it being so damn hard, I know with him gone it could be the best thing for me. I've found great strength inside of myself this last week, and I intend to keep it. I need to keep in mind that I am the best thing for me right now. As much as I love him, he is no good for me.
One more thing I found out last night from someone he works with... She doesn't go to school with him like he said. She works with him, in the cubicle next to him. He doesn't know I know, yet. But I'm thinking of letting the rumors fly at his job, since I've got friends there too. I don't think his company will value morals and actions like that. (Evil, evil, me) hee hee hee. Hey, I feel like he destroyed my life, he deserves a little destruction in his life. He's just feeling to good right now, while I'm feeling like total ****. F**K him!
Also he knows I've been looking for a job and he's still telling me, you don't have to get a crappy job use the debit card if you need something. I told him I don't want him to feel like I'm dependent on him. (really, I don't want to feel that way anymore.) Then I told him if I need it I'll let him know.
I've called a lawyer and I'm going to see another one too, who is suppose to be the best in the area. I'm not rushing into anything yet though. I'm just taking it all day by day. Tonight we are meeting in a park to talk about what he wants. I feel like he is going to tell me that he wants to be alone for a while, he wants a break. Like he has been saying. And that's fine, I've prepared myself either way. So after that I'm going to tell him he's going to have to start paying child support for our daughter starting now. And he can do it without getting a lawyer involved at this point to make it easier. But I have to look into our state laws with the lawyer to see if i can get him to pay without going though the process of divorce right now.
Anyway, thank you all for your advice and support. I will let you know what happens.