Husband says he thinks he's in love with his "friend"...??

Your husband is not taking his marriage vows very seriously--remember the part about "forsaking all others"?

I bet he didn't like the session with the marriage counselor. He was forced to face himself as "Slimy Guy Being Unfaithful" instead of "Charming Man with Two Adoring Women".

Thursday is a deadline. Charming Men shouldn't have deadlines. Hah!

WildGal, come Thursday insist that he give you a decision. Undoubtedly he'll waffle that he can't make up his mind like that--that you don't understand him.

This mess is not your fault. He created the mess. Keep in mind that if he can't make a decision, you will have to. You do not need a aching heart (and possibly a STD) on top of your depression. Your daughter does not need to see you settle for a flawed marriage with a tomcatting, lying man.

Perhaps you will choose to hang on to what you have and hope for the best--this is your decision.

Good luck--and a kiss for your daughter.

I don't often believe in waiting around for someone else to make a choice about how my life will go.

Why should you have to wait around for him to decide? YOU make a choice! Either you decide to live with the cheater, or you decide he has to leave and you'll make a fine life for yourself without him.

I agree with Noddy...your daughter does not need to grow up with a cheating father. Personally, I'd tell him to find another place to live immediately. Mr. Charming Fellow would then have two choices...live up to his promises and be allowed to move back in if he agreed to counseling...OR...be divorced, pay child support, and only see his daughter on weekends.

The way I see it, you're holding all the cards....not him.

I'm sorry, Wild. That's just not fair.

He obviously doesn't understand what love is. What he feels for her is likely just the excitement that all relationships start with. Or perhaps even some sort of liberation--everyone wants to escape their responsibilities now and then.

Anyway, I didn't come to offer advice, just to share my thoughts. I hate mental pain.

Thanks guys.... I don't think i can wait til Thursday now. He's suppose to be at my mom's house right now with me. He's not here. He claimed to have to work late then was going to the gym at work. But he's phone is off, it's never off. The last time it was off he was with her. He's not online at work, and not answering his phone. So I know right now he is with her. I can't live like this, I won't live like this. I have no idea what I'm going to do, how i'm going to live, or make a living. I've been home with my daughter since she was born. I relied on him for everything. Damn, I wish i wasn't going through this. But after him doing this right now, I know he is not being truthful about wanting to fix this marriage. I hope one day he does see what he had and how much he was loved. I doubt what he has with her is going to last. But i'm not going to be there to pick up the pieces after this one. I've got my own pieces to fix. My heart is truly broken....

I totally agree with Coates on that. Soon, all that excitement will disappear and if he does decide to continue his relationship with Bimbo-woman, who knows, maybe he will do the same to her as he is doing to you.

I have a couple questions that come to mind though. Does the 'other' woman know he's married? And are they sleeping together?

My first thought when I read your post was, "My God. Her husband BETTER know if he's in love with his friend or not before he tells you this crap." Now, I don't mean he shouldn't have ever talked to you about this before he knew whether or not he was in love with her. I think something along the lines of, "I may have feelings...etc." He should have known for damn sure before he used the word LOVE, IMO.

I really feel for you and your daughter, but reading the part where your husband was talking to the 'other' woman on Father's Day was just sick. I know your depression makes this situation a million times harder, I don't know what kind of self-esteem you have but just take this little piece of advice into consideration. You are your daughters closest example of a wife and lover. Don't tolerate anything you wouldn't want for your daughter. If this fiasco drags out for a lengthy period, your daughter may learn this is just how it's meant to be when SHE is in a relationship. She is at a very impressionable age now. And no one wants memories of their beloved mother crying.

I bet come Thursday, he won't have his mind made up. He knows what he has at home, but his future with HER is uncertain. Although there might be that possibility (in his mind), that he could be happier with her. He'll want to keep his family around for a safety net, and venture further with this affair.

I admire you for trying to be there for him and seeking counseling with him and trying to make this work when the divorce rate in this country is practically one in two, BUT, learn where to draw the line. Let Thursday be YOUR deadline as well. Let him know you won't tolerate being second-choice, it's either you or her. Tell him the decision he makes sticks even after he realizes it was a huge mistake if he chooses her. You and your daughter deserve better. Seriously, show no mercy if in the end he chooses her. Don't let him think he can still come "home" unless its to visit his daughter. He is breaking apart his home and he can't possibly still expect it to be the same even if he chooses you.

Be strong for you and your precious daughter. Be her example. I wish you all the luck in the world!!!!!
Lots of love,
Tina

>sigh< he sure has a fancy way of saying " i want you to stay home honey and just look pretty while I date this other girl."
Dont'cha think?
Counseling or not.. he is cheating and BLATENTLY tells you he doesnt want to stop? . ummm... how much more honest can he be? " i dont want to stop seeing her , but I love you... ??? !!!!It doesnt matter what he says after the BUTT because it is all b....sh...t .

WG,

I agree with SCoates (above): "What he feels for her is likely just the excitement that all relationships start with."

Relationships all get started with that hormone-driven passion that eventually (hopefully) evolves into a deeper, more meaningful, but often somewhat less hormonal, connection. Your husband may not be thinking with his brain right now, if you know what I mean.

You're probably headed for a separation, for a while. It will be tough, but it will give you both some time and space to see where the relationship is going, without the heat of passion or anger.

I would let him see his daughter. It may make him realize what he's risking. Marriage is difficult. Most people get tempted somewhere along the line. Some people do not have as much strength as others to resist that temptation.


At some point down the road, you'll both know whether or not it's right to stay together.

Having said all that, it still sucks. Please accept a warm hug and know that you can come here whenever, to scream or throw things or cry.

Take care.

Ahh, it is really something what people risk for that thrill of new lovelust.. Like they are taken over by the pods in the old movie the Blob. (or was that some other movie?) I have a pretty negative view of this working out into a loving family situation. I know it is grieviously painful.

From what I know now of watching things work out for people or not and some of my own experience, I'd keep up with the counselor - although maybe you need one of your own, and I'd get right to a lawyer, not to file this minute exactly (I would, but I speak from my own stage in life) but to find out the different kinds of choices you have. That seems like a serious step, but it is a serious situation.

People do tend to stray more than once and some marriages leave room for that. Straying, a strange word, but there, I typed it already, is a symptom, but the problem is, of what.

Sometimes the person who "strays" has some reason, once in a while a good reason. And other times there is one partner all involved in making the relationship be happy and the other is not, is not really loving the spouse. Surely there is a communication lapse, but again, on whose part? Maybe both parts, maybe not.

Sometimes, if the spouse knows, and both people remake their vows, things can work out. And I guess there are many times when a spouse doesn't know, and things work out. Not that situation here.

I know people married many years now who worked past it. But mostly that doesn't happen. Sometimes they tried and tried and then broke up a decade or two later, and thus blew some possibly happy years...

which brings up the child. Will the child be happier and healthier if you don't walk right now? I say no, but I don't know you and your husband, you must look around and make that decision yourself.

Good luck

Osso - That movie was called "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." <winks>

Wildgal - Osso is so right here, it is scary. What an incredibly tough and painful position to be in. Ultimately, tho you must think for yourself and decide what it is you want in your life. Wasted time will not help you here. Find some support with therapy, friends and family. You will survive and you shouldn't have to wait around for anyone to decide if you are worth the effort. You are. So treat yourself well in this matter. You and your daughter are worth it. Best of Luck.

Noddy said:



I am thinking of the other part:



It looks like this man is just not there for you when you need him most. I agree with the people who say that YOU have to take the "bull by the horns" and decide if you want to spend any more of your life with this man. Good luck!

WildGal, your husband is not going to make any decisions unless he is forced. Right now, he has it all...a home life, an exciting affair, and all his money. He's going to try to keep that going for as long as he can...or for as long as he can string you along.

If you're not willing to live that way, then it's up to you to tell him he can't have it both ways.

IMO, the man needs to learn that cheating has consequences. If he wants to be with other women, then he should have to divorce you first. That will cost him his home life and part of his money. He may well decide that staying is in his best interests. But could you ever trust him again? Maybe...but only after a long time in joint counseling. Meanwhile, he should rent a cheap apartment and sweat it out.

I absolutely agree with the others...you should see an attorney NOW and find out what rights you have if you decide he goes or stays.

Perfect, shewolfnm.

WildGal, get thee to a lawyer. Time to start thinking about what you will do, and what you want. Perhaps that sounds mercenary to you, but you have rights here and you need to exercise them. If not for you, then for your daughter's sake. Best of luck to you.

Well, i confronted him last night about not showing up to my mom's. Sure enough he was with her. He claims nothing happened, but was quick to get to the shower and had scratches on his body. Who wouldn't know what was going on. what an ASSHOLE!!! does he think i'm stupid?
I told him last night he needs to leave, he refuses to go. I asked him to leave for a week so I could get my things out. He won't.
And yes, she knows about me and our daughter. I don't know what he tells her about me. All I know is he tells her he's not happy here with me. She still hasn't broken off her engagment. She's probably not serious about this with him. He's an idiot. He's 24, she's 27. She looks like she's in her 30's and looks like his mom!! She's not attractive looking, which is like insulting to me. He could at least leave me for someone better looking then me. I tell myself this to make myself feel alittle better. Sounds shallow though.
I talked to a lawyer today. She wants to charge me $1,500. I guess I have to borrow that money from some where. I don't have anything. I haven't work since before my daughter was born. And we've been in a financial crisis lately. There isn't any money I could even take from the bank account, without boncing the check for my car. Which I intend to keep. The lawyer says I'll get custody, child support, and I've got a good case to get some kind of financial support too. Since I want him to pay for my car, that's it. Damn, I can't believe it's come to this. After all this time. 9 years, 4 years of marriage, a kid, a life, a family, everything I have, everything I've done, all for him, all for nothing. Well, I guess I shouldn't say that, I've learned a lesson. He should have known better.
Then I feel like a sucker, cause I want to follow through with the lawyer and get on my own. But most of me just wants this to go away, and I want my husband back. I guess I just have to plan for the worst and hope for the best. That'll be a good way to look at today, I think.
Thank for all for your support with this. You have all given me some comfort knowing there are people like you who care.
Thanks so much,
Amy

WildGal--

Your Wandering Boyo is lying to try to avoid trouble. Don't worry about the Other Woman's looks. Wandering Boyo isn't using the head on his shoulders. The other head doesn't have eyes or a brain or a conscience--just lusts.

Perhaps you can get Wandering Boyo to pay your lawyer as part of the divorce settlement.

As for moving out of your joint living quarters--do you have some friends and/or who can act as chaperones? Wandering Boyo doesn't like conflict and he'd hate conflict in front of an outsider.

Hold your dominion.

Yes, hold your dominion.

Did you ever think about putting his belongings on the curb and having the locks changed? I'd do that right after I got a job. Of course, I am full of righteous indignation today, so perhaps you shouldn't listen to me....

You must leave the creep and find another life. Staying with him only makes you the enabler. He lacks maturity and committment; and that's not going to change any time soon. Sorry for all your problems. You're the only one that can "fix" it.

WildGal, I don't know what state you're in, but there is probably an office of Legal Services whereby you can get discounted services. Look in the telephone book under Pro Bono Lawyers or the Local Bar Association and ask.

You're not shallow. It makes perfect sense for you to hate her even if there were no reason (for example, if she didn't know he was married). I say that it makes sense, and it is perfectly natural, but you'll be better off emotionally the sooner you learn to to hate either of them.

I really like the way Christina worded this "I admire you for trying to be there for him and seeking counseling with him and trying to make this work when the divorce rate in this country is practically one in two, BUT, learn where to draw the line. Let Thursday be YOUR deadline as well. Let him know you won't tolerate being second-choice, it's either you or her. Tell him the decision he makes sticks even after he realizes it was a huge mistake if he chooses her. You and your daughter deserve better. Seriously, show no mercy if in the end he chooses her. Don't let him think he can still come "home" unless its to visit his daughter. He is breaking apart his home and he can't possibly still expect it to be the same even if he chooses you."

WHOA WHOA WHOA.....

Ok, when i read your last post Wildgal.. all i saw was " im better , im prettier , im this, im that..."
Umm.. why are you placing such importance on who he is sleeping with and not WHY?
I understand, >from experience< that right now you want to chop her head off and lodge it up her a..sh..le. :wink: I get'cha.
but.. um .. with her head cut off.. who will it be next?
Sorry, if a man just jumps to cheating everytime there is a problem in the relationship , you better find yourself a drive through OBGYN. You will get STD's .. ( imagine explaining THAT to your daughter ) , you will get HARASSED if the next woman is psycho , you will get abused , >neglect IS abuse< and in the end.. he will beat you to a lawyer, consequently, beating you out of your rights....
In divorce law, unfortunatly , it is first come first SERVE.
You are worried ultimatly with your daughters well being , secondly with shooting the bi...tch who is between you two.
So since you cant shoot her, take him out...... allll llll the way to a lawyer.
Get a back bone, stand up straight like a woman should and respect yourself enough to tell him to kiss your as..s.

Sorry.. i dont mean to sound rude , but I will bet money on what Ossobucco says.... This relationship isnt going to develop into a loving family setting.
If it was, you wouldnt be questioning yourself and him right now, you would be working your counselor over for every minute you could.
dont self defeat... please. You will only end up on the short end of the stick. And women dont belong there...espically if WE are not the ones who are cheating.