living with a pot smoker

Yep. Major lifestyle clash.

I have nothing against people smoking dope - but, if I had to live with that don't-do-anything-but-smoke thing, I would go nutso too. It was bad enough when I had a living room full of them for a few days at a time, but all the time would have driven me mad.

But, they love it, clearly. And don't look like stopping.

(There were plenty of 'em in that housing co-op. I had my room to retreat to, anyway.)

I am in Sydney, AUstralia

So it's not summer yet. What i am thinking about doing, is just finnishing up this term, then i can take a leave of abscense for 6 or 12months then i can go back and finnish my degree later after i have got my feet on the ground somewhere.

After this term i have only 3 subject to go... so it should be okay. take a break and then go back to evening classes or something...

But the thing is, I actually care about this guy. If you met him and had no idea about his background you would love him too. All my friends do, until they found out what he is like at home.

He has just now really started to move with his career, but i feel he is being really held back by his friends, they're all loosers. On less than $30K a year over 25 some are over 30 with no ambition, just going nowhere with their lives.

Now my guy, has said once when i actually managed to have a deep heart to heart with him, when he broke down in tears, that he doesnt want to be an addict. He didn't want me to leave, he wanted to look after me like he first promised me when i first moved in with him...

All the stuff about his friends, happened a little while ago, they dont come over like they used to, But he said to me it actually proved who his real friends are, the ones that still hang out with him without smoking pot are a very few.

I think he wants to give up, but when it actually comes to doing it, he never follows through.

I wanted to help him, because i care about him and don't want to see him end up like the flatmate that lives with us or the rest of his friends: 32 years old been single for the last ten years, sharing houses because he cant afford to live on his own, working night shifts changing back-up tapes and basic IT stuff (i think, we dont actually know what he does for a job).

It's just going to be really hard to walk away from him when i care about him so much.

I think if i move out, we will break up. He was with another girl Before me for over four years and they lived together, she moved out in the last 6 months of their relationship, and things went down hill from there...

I just think moving out is going backwards in the relationship, and i cant handle the pot addiction. I dont mind rereational uses like at parties and stuff but this much, is just ridiculous.

I think i have given him plenty of chances and me moving out is the last stage of the relationship, and i dont think it's fair on me to still give him chances. I dont want to wait for him to decide when he is ready to give up pot. I mean he said he was going ot give up at 26, and he just turned 27.

I dont need to hear the broken promises anymore. But i think somehow he does want to give up, he just doesn't know how or doesnt want to badly enough.

The lease is up on our current place in about 10months i think, I was planning on moving out on my own then. He said he wanted to stay with me, but i said i dont want pot in my home. It's okay for him to smoke elswhere or at a friend's on one off occasions but not like he does now.

But i know he wouldn't have done anything about reducing his habit by then... I wanted to encourage him or help him, but i think it's all just totally futile really.

you're enabling him by being there for him.
he won't change untill he's ready to, wants to or hits a bottom of some kind when he has no choice in the matter.

smoke up and move on.

He sounds very loveable, indeed he does.

Question is - how much time you gonna spend trying to change him, or are you gonna change?

You could maintain a friendship/relationship with him when you move - but have a clear understanding that he is un-stoned, or no deal - ie no time with you on that visit.

I wouldn't be pining and not going out with other fellas, though - cos you could spend a mighty lonely life.

He may very well want to settle his habit down, but it's tough when that's the activity you and all your friends have been doing together for so long.

If you want to try and make it work I think that you should set a few parameters to start with - but agree to be understanding with random incidents. And you'll also have to 'give' a little too.

It sounds like he's holding a good job and takes care of what he needs to take care of to keep his life together. That's the most important.

Why don't you suggest he try not smoking any pot in the mornings - to only have a hoot when he gets home from work. And no friends over late on weeknights.

That way he'll feel it in the morning when he's smoked too much dope the night before.

There are hundreds of really bright people who smoke so much dope that they need it to funtion well. It's not a good way to live - but a lot of people manage it.

I've got no idea how 'mean' he gets when he's stoned, I don't really know anyone who gets mean when they are high on pot, a little sarcastic sometimes...but don't know anyone who gets 'mean' from it.

Might it have something to do with the cops being called to his house?

Anyway, there's a real good chance that he'll grow out of the habit. I guess it's up to you if you're willing to wait/help or if you're at the last straw.

One more question...did he grow up in Sydney?

As an aside, the motivation to cut down I know of that seems to have the greatest rate of success with heavy pot users is that doing so will make it more enjoyable when they do partake.

It's not uncommon to hear: "I gotta cut down so that I can enjoy the high when I smoke."

I'm not sure that harnessing the desire for pot itself to inspire cutting down is the greatest idea in the world but I do know it is likely to be the most appealing.

CDK...

...something about the thc saturating your fat cells...so you don't get a high anymore?

Not just physcial saturation but the overall conditioning to the state of being high.

Our bodies are such that nearly everything has some degree of physical and mental addiction.

Even eye-drops addict the eyes.

I've known many a heavy pot user who cut down (or even quit for a month) just to get rid of some of the physical and mental immunity to the high.

That's priceless.

From your first post, the question that screamed out at me was; why doesn't he leave you? Calling the cops over pot is petty and would get you invited out of my life on the first offense. You knew he did that when you met him, accepted it, and then scarred his record because you no longer like it? I sure hope you apologized for that. For the record, I smoke a tiny amount of pot a couple times a year. I probably haven't smoked an ounce in the last decade, so it's not where I'm coming from.

I too am very sorry to hear about your family life prior to moving out. Hugs (((((Lilly))))). That makes it difficult for me to not side with you...
but you are wrong.

Upon reading further, it would appear you also have issues with understanding who's place you live in. You describe it as yours, yet it doesn't sound like you actually pay for it. You are not married, so it's not exactly community property. I'd say a very grateful thank you is far more appropriate than calls to... :wink:

And finally: Pot smokers who smoke as much and as often as what you are describing are addicts. More like a cigarette addiction than crack, but an addiction nonetheless. Nagging is useless. You will not change him. He'll quit only when (if) he's ready to, and even then it may not be that easy. You'd do well to just consider it part of his character when assessing your situation. It is part of him and he's either good enough or he's not. That's it. You don't get to choose your favorite attributes of your friends and delete the rest. It doesn't work that way...

I apologize if I seem insensitive. I don't mean to. As usual, my peers on this site have covered all the sensitive stuff wonderfully, so I thought I'd just point out the flaws that stuck out. I too wish you the very best of luck with whatever you decide. It seems to me there is no emergency, so take your time and do it right.

I've no idea if frivolity is appropriate for the occasion (not that I'll let that stop me) but one of my avatars seems apropos, if perhaps reversed:

Looks like the appropriate sign to me.
Gotta agree with your "greatest rate of success" reasoning too. I've heard that plenty from people who couldn't work without pot to save their lives. (Kinda like I used to be with cigarettes :wink: ). I stopped smoking pot for a year once after smoking a pretty fat joint, of very good stuff, with only one other person and it barely got me high. I realized this and reasoned that since I only do this to laugh, and it doesn't really make me laugh anymore, there is no reason to do it anymore.

Roughly a year later, surrounded by stoners, I opted to take a tiny puff just so they wouldn't drive me crazy. Said tiny puff got me high as a kite, and a like amount has ever since. On the rare occasions that I do partake, I, once again, laugh my ass off like I did when I was 16. Now isn't that the point? (oops, probably not on this thread )

"one more question...did he grow up in Sydney?"

Nope, He grew up in Melbourne

Then he moved to sydney. And got in with this crowd in sydney, that do nothing but smoke and get high when they go to clubs.

I dont call the cops on him anymore, i just did it a couple of times to make a point. But hey, dont get the idea that i have totally "no pot" policy. It's not that at all. I mean its not uncommon for me when i am drunk at a party to share a J with friends.


When i meant he gets mean on pot, i mean he just becomes a real jerk, very sarcastic... he says alot of things, or just ignores me for a complete week and wonders why i won't talk to him or have sex when he wants. i know he doesnt mean to behave like this, once he called me a stupid bitch in front of his friends when i wanted to watch something on TV and didnt want to change the channel. He is adamant that he never said that. I dont think he realises what he is like when he is stoned.

Apart from this group of friends he has got, I dont think there are many in sydney that don't smoke. And he is not the most extroverted guy that can make friends really quickly...

so i know this has got something to do with it.

He met one of my friends, this guy who is a fireman that doesn't smoke pot. And they get along really well and he has started to get my guy out of the house more, they are learning to go hang gliding together! they go to the pub to watch the footy together occasionally. I invite this guy around all the time to our place and whenever i am going out with a group of my friends and I know that he will be there i always invite my man along. It's starting to get him out of the house more... so i got to try to encourage these new friends as much as I can...


I understand the guy needs it. Once he tried sleeping for a couple of nights without smoking and the nightmares he had, he wasnt in a good way at all.

I know he changed to the natural stuff, i dont know if he has reverted back to the hydroponic stuff, but when he tried this he said he started to dream again and hasn't done that for years...

Wot Bill said - over the page - I was being all sensitive and nice and stuff - must be ill.

Awww Lily *hugs* I'm sorry to hear about your abuse when you were younger, I can't imagine what it was like, it is not really something I have been through, well it kinda is, but a different kind of abuse I guess, anyway!! Ill make a little comment on your man with his mary-jane addiction. Seriously, for about three years, I was just like your guy, smoked whenever I could which was all the time, my father was my dealer. Some people like to tell you that marijuana isn't addictive, it's just the "high" you get, the mental aspect of it, that you become addicted to, that it's all natural, better than cigarettes, etc. IMO, that's all bullcrap. But I bought into at the time. Anyway, I lost many a friend who said they couldn't watch me throw my future away etc, and still that wasn't enough to make me quit smoking. If I did quit, it was for a day or two.
I can see two reasons already why your guy wont quit.

1. It's hard to quit, or start anything, if you are doing it for any other reason other than yourself *or kids*. I had a hard time quitting marijuana because I just enjoyed a good joint, if I'm asked to quit for any other reason than "I want to quit." It's usually not going to stick.

2. It's also very hard to quit anything, when your friends, peers, family, roommates, etc. are there with the 'goods', encouraging you. Your guy needs to move out, and make new friends, seriously, if he is ever going to quit. Until he takes action, "im going to quit smoking" is all talk. It's something addicts like to say to keep people like you around a bit longer and have you think it's just a temporary thing. It's not like your guy is an innocent victim here, (and neither are you if you knew about him smoking before you moved in), and marijuana is ruining his life. He would have done something about it a long time ago if he felt it was destroying his life, or would ruin his relationship with someone he loved. Addicts are selfish people.

I wish you AAALLLLL the luck in the world and the strength to do what you feel is right!!

Christina,

I think the big difference between "pot addiction" and cigarette addiction is that pot smokers will usually smoke pot if there's pot around but don't get all nervous and freaked out if there isn't any for a few days...with cigarettes when you get down to your last three darts, you're already thinking "I better get another pack".

I think that pot addiction is more an addiction of convenience and habit rather than a physical addiction.

Lilly,



Regarding his stoned 'meanness' - Is it, perhaps, a reaction to you withdrawing from him or being 'cold' to him because he's gotten stoned? As opposed to him starting out by being 'mean'?

I dated a girl a few years back who would act all weird the minute a joint was pulled out - and wouldn't relax until the next day. Her punishment for me getting stoned would be that she wouldn't talk to me normally and sex was out of the question because she thought smoking a dube was like taking crack or something...that was her issue, not mine.

I don't know what your situation is, other than what you've described, I'm just trying to put some different perspectives on it.

Do what's best for you guys. I'm sure you'll work it all out.

All the best

It's a psychological addiction. Not a physical one like heroine or crack.

Well, not everyone who uses marijuana becomes addicted - same as not everyone, who drinks, becomes an alcoholic.

Everyone is different and drugs affect different people in different ways: there are certainly some addicted to pot even physically, others may be able to use it.

Umm, there's a big problem with the place.

Both our names are on the lease.

I do pay for it. my equal share.

See if i move out it could get also get nasty because my name hasn't been taken off the lease.

Okay, he may earn okay money, But he doesnt pay for my life. I pay my rent i pay my bills, I work part time while i have been studying...

So yeah, I am used to being broke and have to juggle lots of commitments to get by.

One major thing i have left out, about why i called the cops on him.

He hit me once. In front of his friends. I mean it wasn't a little hit either, and then he was pushing me down on the ground and I couldnt get up.

Two of his guy friends were sucking bongs at the time and didnt even move...

Does this clarify anything fir you?

Look i know it's a stupid situation that I am in.

Maybe i just wanted some advice on how I might be able to get this guy to cut down smoking so much.

Because this serious stuff has happened only when he is completely stoned which has become a more permanent thing now

But i dont think I can do anything about it now.