living with a pot smoker

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Okay now one of my friends has told me about this site, so i thought i might try it out for myself...

I need some advice about what to do...here is my situation:

I have been living with my guy for about 18 months now, before then we were seeing each other for about 6 months. But i have been friends with him for about 5 years before then.

I live with him and two other people in a huge apartment right in the middle of the city, the apartment is really nice, it's all good. But there's one major problem. I can not handle the drugs and especially the pot smoking anymore.

The whole time i have known my guy he has smoked pot, and i am not talking a small amount. I mean i know he smokes about an ounce of the hydroponic stuff a month, atleast that is what he has told me, i think it's actually a lot more. He smoke it as soon as he gets up in the morning, so he goes to work stoned, and first thing when he comes home until all hours of the night when he finally goes to bed at about 1am.

I have told him my problems with it and he ignores me continually. I don't mind him smoking it recreational or at other people's places but i don't want all his friends sitting around at our place all the time at all hours of the night. I managed to stop his friends from doing this, by calling the police on them a few times.

One of the other flatmates smokes pot with him too. So i see no possible way of him cutting down. Pot is readily available to him, the housemate's brother is his dealer, but i gave all his details to the police and then i heard last week that he was leaving the country, But my boyfriend says there is plenty of other places he can get it and i don't doubt him.

Now, you're probably thinking why haven't i just left if i have such a problem with the pot.

Well i moved in with him the day my parents beat me up for the last time. He told me i could come and live with him and he would make sure I am safe. I am a full time university student, so i couldn't exactly afford to get my own place.

I have no family in the city where I live apart from my older brother, who is the worst pot addict you could imagine, he stole money off me as a kid and would also ruff me up if i wouldn't give him money, so turning to my big bro is not really an option either.

When we first got together i made it clear my feelings about the pot. I thought it was just a recreational thing, I didn't realise his habit was as bad as it was. He told me he would give up if i wanted him to, that he couldn't give up just for himself he needed a greater reason and motivation to do it. He actually tried then, He wouldn't smoke while i was around, i wasn't living with him then. We would go out on dates and i could tell he hadn't smoked before he came and saw me which would have been a big thing to him. We also would go for weekends away and he never brought pot with him. We went on a two week skiing trip and i never saw any pot then. So i know he could go for a day or so without it.

He also said that he wouldn't be smoking past his 26th birthday, he just turned 27 last month and there is no way he has cut down. He says that he won't quit while i hassle him about it, if anything it is going to make him smoke more...

when he comes home he says he needs to smoke because he is stressed, when he gets up in the morning he has to smoke because he doesn't feel well... i mean of course he doesn't feel well, when he stayed up until 1am smoking pot and has to get up early...

He says the he loves me, and i actually believe that he does. We have been through so much together and friends for so long, and I really do love him, I just can't handle the pot and when he's stoned. He doesn't see that he behaves any differently, he is a real jerk when he is stoned, and can be really mean.

I make him sleep on the couch now when he is stoned, because i can't stand the smell of it when he comes to sleep at night.

I have given him ultimatum's before saying that i will leave him if he doesn't cut down. I know quitting for him will be the biggest thing, but i mean he can't go to work stoned every morning, or why cant he go to his friend's places to smoke rather than sitting around at home by himself.

He says the he really does love me and he will try, and usually does after a big fight, but then when he thinks everything has calmed down he starts smoking again...

what i can't handle is when in the middle of an argument he will just walk away and get stoned and ignore what is going on, he did this once to me for three days and ignored me whenever i tried to speak to him. On the third day when he hadn't spoken to me for three days straight his friends were over smoking pot with him, so all i could do then was call the cops, he got a cannabis warning and one of his friends got done for possession.

See he will ignore me, then when things have calmed down be really nice to me, he has even spoken to me about marriage and all that sort thing. Apart from the pot the relationship is fine. It's just when he is being a stoned jerk that things get really bad. and he is almost always a stoned jerk. The only time i see him straight anymore is when i meet him for lunch sometimes, and then he would be the most perfect man in the world.

Now, why have i stayed with him? i bet you're asking

because he is the sweetest guy, he has done so much for me and helped me out so much, that is when he isn't stoned.

I know he has had a really rough up-bringing aswell. His parents divorced when he was young and he grew up in foster homes, until he ended up boarding with some friends to finnish high school. I know when he was a kid his dad used to beat up on him, and he has been alone most of his life since he was about 14. I mean being an independent and taking care of himself.

I know he is terrified of being alone, whenever i have moved out in the past he has turned up at wherever i was staying usually in tears begging me to come back. And he cant handle it whenever i threaten to leave. Once i left for nearly a month and I had bottles of perfume delivered to me and flowers turning up on my doorstep nearly every day...

I think he wants to give up someday, but i see no way when he lives with another pot smoker and pot is so readily available to him 24/7. Once i was sitting in the loungeroom and the flatmate asked him if he wanted any pot. My man said he didn't have money. The flatmate said i will cover you until you get paid. Then later that night, my man didn't even have to get up off the couch and the flatmate walked in with a little plastic bag with pot in it and handed it to him. That was the second time the police were called.

He is actually a very motivated person on quite a high salary, i guess that's how he can afford to smoke so much. He is an IT professional working on some specialist On-Line insurance brokerage system.

I just don't know if i should just walk away from it all. I will be facing a crisis if I leave him. I will have to pull out of school and get a full-time job and finnish my degree some other time, i guess. I also know that he needs me and if i leave he will be a mess.

I think we do love each other and he has told me over and over that he wants to give up... that is oneday, just not yet. He first told me that he would give up for me, and know he says that he wont give up because of me, and there is always another excuse. I don't see how he could be in so much self-denial. I don't think he will ever give up, there's a million excuses why he won't. But like i said, i don't need him to give up. I have no probs with him smoking at a party or if he goes to see some friends, but this much is just pushing me further and further away and he can't see that.

I don't know what to do. I know i cant make him see any other point of view. I know I can't change him, but it just hurts watching my best friend and the man that i love just doing this to himself...

Sorry it was so long...but i had to get it out. I don't know who else to speak to about this, my friends have just told me to leave him and move out and get on with my life, which actually would be quite hard for me to do, and I know what it would it would mean to my guy if i left him. And i love him, and i just want to help him i don't want to see him throw everything away on his pot habit.

I wonder what his work thinks of him in the mornings?

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My only recommendation is to not do that "call the cops on them" thing if you aren't prepared to be on much-less-than-friendly terms.

Ok, I lied, I have more:

"The whole time i have known my guy he has smoked pot, and i am not talking a small amount. I mean i know he smokes about an ounce of the hydroponic stuff a month, atleast that is what he has told me, i think it's actually a lot more. He smoke it as soon as he gets up in the morning, so he goes to work stoned, and first thing when he comes home until all hours of the night when he finally goes to bed at about 1am. "

That's a pot dependency that will be hard to break. If he is not interested (seriously interested) he will probably not stop, and IMO calling the cops on him and his friends isn't the way to go about it (if you want to call someone on them try counselling hotlines and such).

"I have given him ultimatum's before saying that i will leave him if he doesn't cut down."

You'll probably run into the point at which you're gonna have to decide what that ultimatum was made of.

"On the third day when he hadn't spoken to me for three days straight his friends were over smoking pot with him, so all i could do then was call the cops, he got a cannabis warning and one of his friends got done for possession."

In my opinion the question of why he isn't leaving you is also a good one. Why the hell not? I mean, it sounds like you have a habit of calling the cops on him after arguments about pot.

"I just don't know if i should just walk away from it all. I will be facing a crisis if I leave him. I will have to pull out of school and get a full-time job and finnish my degree some other time, i guess. I also know that he needs me and if i leave he will be a mess. "

I'd not delay a degree over pot, but that's just me. IMO there's some serious incompatibility between you two on the subject of pot and both of you seem to be addressing the issue in counter-productive ways.

I guess if I were in a similar situation with similar feelings about not wanting to separate what I'd do is at least move out if I didn't want to break up. The day-to-day irritations of his pot dependency seem to be what bother you the most.

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Well, I would certainly stop calling the cops - that is just mean! It certainly won't get anybody anywhere.

Your fella is not gonna stop smoking any time soon.

I think you need to figure out where you can live, and how you can live. I am sorry you have been beaten up by your parents. Can you approach government agencies for help in establishing yourself in stable accommodation?

If your fella is mean stoned, I sooooooo do not think he is going to change.

I would be looking at making an independent life. If he is going to be a part of that life, well and good. He is not able to be a centre of that life. You have to be that. If your parents have been abusive, then you will be at risk of replicating that in your relationships - it seems your fella does that when he is stoned, and he will not stop being stoned. You need a new life.

Give up on changing him, do what you need to do.

Let him be a friend, not your anchor.

I wish you all the luck in the world!!!!!

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I don't call the cops anymore... i think that point got through to him pretty quickly.

He actually asked a friend of mine that recently gave up cigarette smoking for advice. My friend suggested hypnotherapy and he was interested in going through with it.

He saw a counsellor through work but he only got about 5 free sessions and didnt continue going after that.

Whenever i tried to ask him about the counselling he would get really defensive and not talk.

I actually was seeing a psychiatrist myself for a while because of all the crap with my family and stuff, and he said that it really helped me, and i suggested that he come along to see my therapist with me...

but despite his initial interest taking the next step just never happens. I offered to go with him to see my therapist to talk about issues between us, and that i wouldnt even mention the pot... but he still wasnt interested.

whenever i have moved out in the past, he promises to get help or we will go to a therapist together or couples counselling, but it never happens.

If i could get him to talk to a counsellor or a help group or even my best gal friend's guy that developed schizophrenia through pot and had to go to a live in rehab clinic to get off the stuff, i mean anything would help.

but as soon as i talk to him about it, he gets so defensive and won't talk about it at all.

One of his arguements is, that if he stops smoking he will start drinking. I know as a teenager he had a serious alcohol problem and his school were going to expel him if he didn't go to AA.

I just wich there was some kind of pot smoker's anonymous... but he just wouldnt go.

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You can't change folk.

This is a good lesson to learn now.

You can be a catalyst - but you can't change them.

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I think i know what i have to do...

It's just going to be so hard.

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I know.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

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Just because he's not hitting you doesn't mean you're not being abused.

Once you decide that, you will find the power to leave.

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lily, you know what you have to do. It's gonna be hard but always remember, you're standing up for yourself and your happiness. You love you and that's more important than his love for you. Or anybody else.

Just because you're moving out, does that mean that you have to break up altogether? Can't you continue to see each other? I don't want to give false hope but, the time he spends with you away from his place and his roommate is time he's not getting high, right? That is, if you refuse to allow it in your place. That could eventually become the norm, know what I mean?

There's always evening classes, as far as your degree goes. That's up to you, only you and how motivated you are to finish.

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I'm with SealPoet and eoe.

This guy is abusing you. No, you don't have bruises or broken bones, but he is controlling your life, doesn't respect you and continues to put you at risk (think that if the cops come when someone other than you calls, that you couldn't be hit for possession? Even if you win the court case, trust me, you don't want to be there in the first place).

It's the summer. Time to go to your school counselor and change to part-time. And ask about the following:
* student housing (even if there's nothing on campus, the counselor will know about students and young alumni looking for roommates, or inexpensive nearby apartments)
* a job (either with the school - work/study - or not). Explain that you MUST support yourself
* student aid for other things (tuition, etc.)

You are a student and the university can give you help although they are not required to do everything for you. You might be able to get free room and board as a Residence Assistant in a dorm. Another upside to this is that you might be able to work in your field a bit - which will help you get a job when you graduate.

If work through the school doesn't pan out or doesn't make you enough money, look for other work. You can type, file, answer phones, do light computer work, flip burgers, sling hash, etc. If you have money in the bank, you will not be so dependent upon this guy.

When you are financially able or have another place, move out. If you want to see him, fine, see him. But don't listen to his promises of change - he hasn't changed yet, and I doubt he ever will. He is an addict. If you substitute alcohol for pot, you'd call him an alcoholic. If you substitute heroin for pot, you'd call him an addict.

He is an addict if he is unable to go to work without the drug. He is an addict if he is unable to socialize without the drug. He is an addict if he only feels "better" with the drug.

Time to look out for yourself, lilly.

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Ooooh, I never said that he was abusing her. I wouldn't consider this abuse because he was smoking dope when they got together and before she moved in. It was her choice to move in. Now, because he won't change his life to accomodate her wishes, that doesn't make him an abuser. He's just living his life and doing his thing. Lily is the one who has to realize that we don't have the power to change other people and if she doesn't like what's going on there, she needs to find the courage to step out on her own. For herself. But this is not abuse, IMO.
Chris Rock said it best. A churchgoer and a crackhead can never make it but two crackheads can stay together forever. If one is into drink or drugs or porno, anything that can dominate one's world, their partner should be into the same thing too otherwise, they just aren't going to last. It's going to come between them.
ps - an ounce a month is ALOT for one person. Here's hoping he's generous with his buddies and not smoking an entire ounce by himself.

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"Now, because he won't change his life to accomodate her wishes, that doesn't make him an abuser. "

Amen

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I was referring to Seal's statement that the man is an abuser.

Perhaps the term abuser is harsh I think it's possible that it's psychological abuse. He switches her off when she says things that don't suit him. He promises things and doesn't deliver. He puts her in danger of being arrested. He ignores her.

To my mind, this statement is kinda telling: "See he will ignore me, then when things have calmed down be really nice to me". This is either abuser behavior or addict behavior. So is this: "he is a real jerk when he is stoned, and can be really mean" - how mean? Hitting mean? Screaming mean?

I'm also concerned that lilly has been abused in the past and is now in a relationship wherein she doesn't have equal footing. That doesn't necessarily mean there will be abuse or that she is unconsciously walking into it, but it's certainly a possibility.

Anyway, I'm no expert but there is something very rotten in the state of Denmark.

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lilly, you are exactly that what is called re other drugs e.g. a 'co-alkoholic'.

Like it's his very own decission to smoke, it's yours to stay with him. Or to take the already given advice, like those suggestions by jespah.

(You know: signposts point in a direction - they don't actually drive there themselves :wink: )

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Is it about the pot or about having his friends over and hanging out with him every night until 1am?

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I agree with eoe and Craven. He's not abusing her, he's abusing himself. She's matured enough that she doesn't want to be around the stuff. He hasn't. Perhaps he never will. It does sound as though he has an addictive personality. I see no reason, including love, that she should settle for that kind of partner...especially at her age. I agree about keeping him as a friend, even though she has clearly outgrown him as a partner.

She needs to look for new roommates, I think.

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Jer wrote:

Is it about the pot or about having his friends over and hanging out with him every night until 1am?

Okay, now with his friend it's like this...

A couple of them still live at home, some share with different people, but whenever they come to our place normally really late, i am talking after 10 pm the only reason they are coming over is to smoke pot.

The other flatmate said to me one night, i had the place to myself for the night cos he was going to his brother's place. I invited the girls over. Some are actually pretty straight people. An hour after the flatmate had left he returns with about 4 pther guys. What do they do? All sit around in my loungeroom and get their bongs out. In front of my friends!!!

Now why did they come back to my place when they said they were going out for the night? Because his brother lives with another couple. And they recently have enforced a no drug policy in their house, i later found out through the grape vine.

So the only reason they come to my place, is because they can't smoke anywhere else.

I dont have any problems with the friends coming over to hang out and all that. See we live in really nice apartments, we have a huge indoor swimming pool in the complex a gym and a spa and sauna. His friends come over often to go swimming and we also have a BBQ area on the roof of the building. I dont mind his friends coming over and hanging out.

What i do mind is when his friends drop in unanounced at 10pm or later to walk into our apartment and sit and smoke every single night. I mean it's not just one regular friend or two that's doing this. It's people i have never met before!

I mean if they were heroin users it would be like a legel injection room. Where addicts come shoot up and then leave. what's the difference? They only come to our place to do this because they can't do it anywhere else.

Another problem he has, is his friends don't go out anywhere. They never go to the pub, they never go out to do things like meet up for a dinner. Oh they go night clubbing, but this includes copius amounts of other substances such lots and lots of lines of speed, coke you name it. Ecstacy, g, trips, everything. They never are able to go out without some form of substance...

But they don't sit around at our place smoking anymore. I called the cops on them before and they stopped doing this, because you're all right about the fact that i dont want the drugs in my house when one of the neighbours calls the police.

They're nice apartments, with relatively classy people in them, and a few times when i have come home the place smells really bad and you can smell it out in the lobby of the building.

Once i was sitting at home, and i said to the guys let's go out for dinner or a few drinks out on the city somewhere... they all said no they couldnt afford it.

Then one of them got on the phone and said I am going to meet someone. The amount of money thrown down on my coffee table was really mind blowing. I mean hundreds of dollars from people that were saying they were broke. Including my guy that borrowed a hundred dollars off me the day before, so he could pay a telephone bill. And i am full time student!!! he earns nearly $60,000.00 per year!!!

Then later the guy that made the call came back, and then on the coffee table would have been over 5 ounces of pot.

What happens if my building manager calls the police because of the smell and there is that much pot sitting on my coffee table?

Now that's why i didn't like his friends coming over.

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if i were you i'd turn the tables on him. smoke everything in sight 24/7 for a month if he doesn't slack off. payback, you know,,,,?

then move out asap.

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What I was going to say, and Jes beat me to, is that as a full-time student you have a lot of options. You're probably gonna have to be a lot poorer than what you're used to, but I think there will be really great trade-offs in your own peace of mind.

Anyway, the main thing is that the choice is not between him and the streets, or him and an abusive family. I was POOR throughout college (minimal contributions from my family -- and I mean MINIMAL -- not enough to legally claim me as a dependent on taxes) but I just ate badly and lived in a cheapo housing co-op and eventually found part-time work that I could do while finishing up college. It's all eminently possible.

I only just saw this, and your short statement about knowing what you have to do is the most telling, IMO. Just want to reassure you that you DO have options. (Are you in America or England/ Canada? If one of the latter, I know less about your options, but they're there.)

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You can't change other people, you can only change yourself. Move on.

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living with a pot smoker

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