Being Cheated On & Husband Loves Her but Gives me Mixed Messages!

Get counseling - if he won't go with you, then go alone. This is not to figure out how to stay together; it's to figure out your exit strategy. This jerk is blaming you for his acts. He's a big boy and should man up and take responsibility for poisoning the well.

You also need a lawyer. The pros and cons of staying in or leaving a marriage don't go into divorce papers, not even in fault states.

Save your physical and mental health.
Follow Jes' advice, seek counseling. Even if alone.
His insistence that you're to blame for his infidelity is the one and only pro for leaving.

I have been to counseling-alone and my husband does want to be in this marriage but cannot seem to manage to get his, "heart" out of being in love with this other woman. It's easier said than done to get divorced. That's why we are both so torn on what to do. I've been allowing him to step all over me for the sake of us staying together. He does not blame me for his infidelity, just the cause of him finding what was missing elsewhere.

So he's blaming you
Did he ever tell you what your shortcomings were; to drive him to infidelity?
edit-if he won't go with you to counseling he isn't serious about saving your marriage.

He states that I took him for granted and was not there for him emotionally for a period of time. He indirectly told me but I did not hear his, "cries" for help when he asked for them. He realizes that I never meant to intentionally hurt him during this time. He wishes he could NOT feel these feelings for this individual he's having an affair with and wants our marriage to work. He cannot just, "shut" those feeling of being in love with another woman but realizes we have so much together. He's stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. I've been holding on since he told me he wanted a divorce in June and we've been back and forth with divorce/no divorce since then. It seems that the reality of divorce to him is scary and he has so much to lose with us having built so much together with 16 years together. I advised him to finally let "her" go so she could move on and find someone who would love her unconditionally and he would see she has found another. Then, we can work on us. I know it would take time and one day at a time. We could focus on our relationship and re-build what we once had. He states I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him and is ashamed for hurting our family so much and cannot believe I'm still here even after what he's been putting me through. He's never believe in counseling not matter the reason.

The bottom line is why would you want to be with someone who clearly
tosses you aside for someone else and then blames you for it, because you
don't give him what he wants. It's all your fault, don't you see? You cannot
possibly think that this egotistical man who wants you to do his dirty laundry and cook a meal, seeks emotional and sexual satisfaction someplace else.
Yet you are enabling him to do so! You're a doormat and you get treated like one unless you emerge from your status quo and initiate divorce proceedings.

Don't you want someone who loves you and only you? Don't you want someone who treats you in a manner you should be treated? If the answer is yes, then get out and look for this someone, he ain't at your house!!

I think you're quite delusional here.

He's a coward; afraid he'll lose the perfect set-up.
You live the mundane life while he plays around

Bullshit.

If he was suffering and really cared about the marriage, and felt you were being unresponsive, he would have tried a lot ******* harder.

People who truly love one another, and want to make a go of working it out, don't just shrug their shoulders after a few vague and half-hearted tries and say, "My wife doesn't listen to me. Might as well **** someone else."

I am sorry for the language but really, that's what this is. He is ******* another woman, and he can't be assed enough to even bother telling you what is allegedly wrong.

Ya wanna know why? Because, to him, there is nothing wrong. It's what panzade said - the guy's got it good and he doesn't want to do anything to upset his apple cart.

I am sorry; I truly am. But people who are really committed don't just throw in the towel after one or two sloppy and vague attempts. You need not fall on your sword - and he doesn't have, to either, I might add - but there isn't any effort going on here that isn't coming from you.

Gosh he's immature!!

He wants to stay in the marriage AND mess around like a single teenager. Of course, he does not want to go to counseling. Someone might call his bluff. Of course he's playing the role of the martyr, so you will let him continue his shenanigans.

Mid-life crisis? Temper tantrum? Getting back at you? Overwhelmed with job, wife, kids, bills, etc.?

He wants YOU to decide what is going to happen. He's seeing just how far he can push you before you take action, i.e. kick him out of the house or require that he make a commitment, one way or the other.

Don't fall for that. Draw a line in the sand for what you will accept: be a HUSBAND for crissakes!! Call his bluff. Make him responsible for his actions. Stop making pro and con lists - he has violated #1 rule in marriage.

You don't mention children. Are they in the picture?

We do not have children thank goodness-that would make things even worse.

Wait. You said he loves this woman and now you are saying that
He states I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him ?
Is he still seeing this other woman?

How does anyone can be sure that if she divorces him - she will find 'someone who loves only her'? HOW? Drives me nuts when you say that.
'Divorce' is all you people ever suggesting along with 'counseling'.
And all this CRAP!
She knows him by now. Consumed by guilt he can change and keep
'the best thing that ever happened to him' and they will continue.
IF she will found another man - will he come with guarantee to love'only her unconditionally? Bull!

that's easy

he's in love with someone else
he's ******* someone else

you're taking care of him at home

it's a pretty sweet set-up for him

__________


as long as you're cool with him being in love with someone else and ******* her it's all good

don't expect him to change

What else is there to say?
He obviously loves someone else, he even claims that it is all his wife's fault and in her mind she wants to believe that she still has a chance.

Would you suggest she stays with him while he teams up with someone else
and take the crap he's given her? She would be quite stupid to accept a deal like that and yes, people do find a better deal. Anything is better than being tossed aside by a philandering husband.

Still waiting for OP to answer if he left that woman.
Because if he is not-I am with you but if he did - chances are slim but existing.

Who cares? These people come in here, ask for advice and get it. If they like it, take it or leave it, should not be our concern.

Here's the latest...apparently the, "other" woman was upset over the summer when my husband stopped seeing her to work things out with me. During this time, she shared her affair with a prior co-worker of my husbands since she knew he would spread the gossip around. Side note-she also has an off again, on again relationship with his as well who is also married when she's not with any other man. Anyway, back to the story. So, the gossip got around via big mouth's and when the news traveled around my husband's work, things started to really get heated. I'd rather not say what line of business he's in since it's very high profile. Anyway, my husband was spending a lot of his work time visiting the "slut" as I call her. So, my husband's boss got a hold of this gossip and is in the process of investigating him for various reasons. His boss tried to attach multiple infractions based on his personal affair which my husband fought. The only infraction he is really admitting to and valid is the one where he spent work time at the "sluts" place of employment. He's waiting for his punishment that will be handed down any day now. Meantime, my husband has realized that he's judgment has been clouded by her, she's played him for a fool, wants him and will do it at any cost. She told him that if he did not take her out for Valentine's day that she would post multiple photos of them on facebook for our friends and family to see. Since my husband's boss could interview her for his investigation, he was afraid she would lie about what really occurred during working hours (just conversation) so he's afraid of her! Once the investigation is over we will resolve our marriage. My husband agrees that he's really fuc*&&! up and is willing to go to counseling with me. I have stood by his side despite what others think. So, there is the latest in a nut shell. Offer your advice, but remember, unless you have walked a mile in my shoes, have some compassion....

You're to be commended for staying by his side.
Hope he appreciates it and I hope your counseling visit is fruitful.
Keep us apprised.