Once a cheater, now a cheater?

Reply Sat 24 Jan, 2015 06:35 am
I would love to get as many different point of views on this topic as possible.

Since a little girl I have thought that one of my main goals in life is to find a well compatible man. I am now a 33 years old women and I have been more single than committed during my adult life. The main reason for this is that I somehow always felt that my guys were not 100% right. That a better matching opportunity is out there waiting me to find him (while having fun of course Wink).

1.5 year backwards I found a unique guy. He is smart, good looking, funny, outgoing, likes adventures, is entrepreneurial, a bit geeky, dynamic and is also complementing me in many ways. He is now my boyfriend. The only thing making things challenging in our relationship is the lack of authentic trust from my side. Some people might accept partners who are less loyal, for me it is pretty much a no go.

We started to date after he asked me out on dinner (I had showed my interest at this point). Somehow I felt that he was a bit distant, but I thought that that’s just how he is - reserved person who don’t let people close. Well, half a year later I got to know by accident that he was living together with his girlfriend during the 2 first months we were dating. He left her after 2 months, and I did not now anything about this until half a year later.

By this time I understood that he very likely had been unfaithful before and as it turned out I was right. He had been cheating on his long-lasting girlfriend many times (from beginning to the end) during their over 10 years of relationship. He told me later everything which I appreciate much.

According to surveys and studies the chances that someone who has cheated in the past will cheat again is very high. However, I understand that it is rarely black and white as there are so many reasons for cheating (lacking character, values and moral, egocentrism, or emotional distance, being drunk). What I am having a hard time understanding is the cheating combined with the way he describes his former relationship: a good one, in which he has highly valued and loved his ex-girlfriend. However, he admits that they have had some issues with communication and sex. I do not think he during his grown up phase has had any good role models when it comes to healthy and strong relationships, this might affect his way of seeing things.

From what I know, I see it more like his former relationship has been an ”easy” choice where: the guy is better looking than the woman (less fear for loosing the girl), girlfriend serves for the man; takes care of home, cooking etc. for a career occupied busy guy, gives freedom to travel and party, a relationship where conflicts are not met- they never argued.

From this point of view I think we do have something different going on. We connect on a deep level, have a lot of fun, stimulate each other and spend a lot of time together. We also have a lot of warmth and love, but these he seem to have had with his ex as well.

I do in generally analyze quite much the human nature - who to rely on and who to not. In this case I just hope to know if the time I invest, and the risk I take is worth it. I really do not know. My bf believes that he can change and I also feel he want’s to - he shows a lot of effort at least. Will it work in the longer run is the question..

In the end I only have his words and facts from his past.
Reply Sat 24 Jan, 2015 07:02 am
My recommendation is to try less analysis and allow less fear to creep in. Just because he cheated in his past, he certainly can change and mature. You have been with him 18 months so it seems you are OK with this so far.

You stand to benefit if you continue on an give him the benefit of the doubt and allow that he has matured. After all , this relationship has YOU in it...and an older but wiser HIM.

In reading a bit more... I'm not seeing there's a lot of fun being had. Focus on the fun and being positive and not quite so paranoid or overly analytical.

All that can be said about whether or not it will work...is time will tell.
Reply Sat 24 Jan, 2015 10:32 am
Is he now also in his 30's?

If so, he was doing this cheating when he was in his 20's.

I personally don't think guys in their 20's are capable of exclusive relationships.

In the 30's they are more settled down.

Relax. He seems ready to be able to be exclusive.
Reply Sun 25 Jan, 2015 01:54 am
Thanks for your positive reply Ragman.
I like that thought- to appreciate him being wiser. And I am he is. He is interested in growing and learning, to do things better.

However, taking this with time is not a good option since I am soon a 34 years old women (he is 39) who should decide weither to build a home together or not, not to mention family (but this I havn' t figured out my self either if I need/want). I sometimes feel quite overwhelmed when I think that there is a possibility for everything built up being ruined because my partners personality trait, a trait that is more open for disloyalty in forms of cheating. My former partners did not allow them self to cheat.
Reply Sun 25 Jan, 2015 02:01 am
Punkey, he is now 39. And to be more specific I think he was together with his ex for almost 15 years. Being not able of exclusive relationships in the 20's is easy to understand. I was probably the same. But despite if his age he still likes partying/nightclubbing, mostly when being out of hometown on businesstrips or on trips with sportmates. I do this a lot when I am single, but more or less stop when I am in a relationship.

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Reply Sun 25 Jan, 2015 05:10 am
I look at your reply with a bit of familiarity. I see you and your effort here as being analytical and introspective. I, too, have done that over the years with relationships and have failed trying to balance that out.

Bottom lines is that long-termed committed relationships can't be decided that way - or at least solely that way. Love and committed relationships are formed with mysterious deeper emotions like lust, passion and endearment. Using logic and sterile objectivity won't help you find your "right" decision.

You've been with him for quite awhile and most likely will continue.
However, all that being said, you hear that 'baby-clock' starting to ring loudly and at 39, he might not. He also might not as he has his past lengthy trend towards infidelity.

Settling down permanently with a 39-yr-old former infidel and possibly raising a family may require a different judging criteria to sort this out.

The questions are how much do you want a baby...how much do you want HIS baby...and how much do you want to risk? If any single one of these is a 'no', then you know what you must do for your long-term happiness.
Reply Sun 25 Jan, 2015 06:49 am
Thank you again for a wise, well thought answer. I really appreciate it. And yes, being introspective and objective is what I am aiming at. ..but balance would be preferable of course.

I think I could enjoy the indepency and be happy without an own family, but would most likely wonder in the 50's what kind of kids and life I would have had. I have growed up with close siblings and a tight familylife and know to value what a family can give. I also could not imagen to have kids on my own, or without both parents being present. This is why I might need a man who wants kids maybe even more than I understand to do.

Ironically enough, my bf says he left his former relationship cause he did not want to have kids with his ex. Now he is a bit more open to the thought. But can be that work will always hit the top priority in his life. I dunno, on otherhand - people do change, and develope new traits.

Reply Sun 25 Jan, 2015 07:07 am
I'll say this ... there's the hope for the future and then there's reality...which MIGHT be based on past behavioral trends. You have to decide on what serves you best in your life...in your ultimate LONG term happiness and fulfillment.
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