Once a cheater, now a cheater?

I would love to get as many different point of views on this topic as possible.

Since a little girl I have thought that one of my main goals in life is to find a well compatible man. I am now a 33 years old women and I have been more single than committed during my adult life. The main reason for this is that I somehow always felt that my guys were not 100% right. That a better matching opportunity is out there waiting me to find him (while having fun of course ).

1.5 year backwards I found a unique guy. He is smart, good looking, funny, outgoing, likes adventures, is entrepreneurial, a bit geeky, dynamic and is also complementing me in many ways. He is now my boyfriend. The only thing making things challenging in our relationship is the lack of authentic trust from my side. Some people might accept partners who are less loyal, for me it is pretty much a no go.

We started to date after he asked me out on dinner (I had showed my interest at this point). Somehow I felt that he was a bit distant, but I thought that that’s just how he is - reserved person who don’t let people close. Well, half a year later I got to know by accident that he was living together with his girlfriend during the 2 first months we were dating. He left her after 2 months, and I did not now anything about this until half a year later.

By this time I understood that he very likely had been unfaithful before and as it turned out I was right. He had been cheating on his long-lasting girlfriend many times (from beginning to the end) during their over 10 years of relationship. He told me later everything which I appreciate much.

According to surveys and studies the chances that someone who has cheated in the past will cheat again is very high. However, I understand that it is rarely black and white as there are so many reasons for cheating (lacking character, values and moral, egocentrism, or emotional distance, being drunk). What I am having a hard time understanding is the cheating combined with the way he describes his former relationship: a good one, in which he has highly valued and loved his ex-girlfriend. However, he admits that they have had some issues with communication and sex. I do not think he during his grown up phase has had any good role models when it comes to healthy and strong relationships, this might affect his way of seeing things.

From what I know, I see it more like his former relationship has been an ”easy” choice where: the guy is better looking than the woman (less fear for loosing the girl), girlfriend serves for the man; takes care of home, cooking etc. for a career occupied busy guy, gives freedom to travel and party, a relationship where conflicts are not met- they never argued.

From this point of view I think we do have something different going on. We connect on a deep level, have a lot of fun, stimulate each other and spend a lot of time together. We also have a lot of warmth and love, but these he seem to have had with his ex as well.


I do in generally analyze quite much the human nature - who to rely on and who to not. In this case I just hope to know if the time I invest, and the risk I take is worth it. I really do not know. My bf believes that he can change and I also feel he want’s to - he shows a lot of effort at least. Will it work in the longer run is the question..

In the end I only have his words and facts from his past.