My husband is too dominant

Forums: Marriage, Finance, Relationships, Money, Dominant
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My husband and I have been married over a year now. I am 29 and he is 36 and we both have different views on money matters. My husband is the dominant one in our relationship and I am actually fine with it. But sometimes I feel like he takes his dominant personality too far. Recently, we traded in my 9 year old car for a new one. He did his best to explain to me financially why it would be a good idea, however, I did not want to. He drives my car Monday through Friday, because I metro to work. But it was my car before we got married and it was still in fairly good condition. He kept telling me that it is our car and not just my car anymore. I agree with him, but something inside of me really hates the fact that my car is now "our" car. Because I was the one who paid it off and I have a lot of memories with it. I'm the kind of person that will fix my car if there is an issue, because I have no monthly car payment on it, but my husband hated my car and he is of the thought that if its broken - just get a new one. Anyways, we went into the dealership and went in with the thought of just test driving the new car he had in mind. It turned into us buying the car. I know he wanted the car, but my stomach is turning just thinking of the fact that my car is gone and now we have a large monthly payment to make. He keeps telling me that it was our decision, but he knew from the beginning that I did not want to do this. This is just one of the examples of him making it seem like he made me part of the decision, but really he just told me what he wanted. Granted, I am more submissive and I don't want to cause a huge fight, but I just feel like he took something I really cared away from me. While knowing I was not okay with the decision from the beginning. I honestly said yes to the car, because we got into a 2 day fight because he thought that buying a new car was a good idea. I want to tell him that I'm not happy with the car, but what would be the use? We already have it. I don't know what to do. My question is, as usually I am submissive - how do I stand up to my husband on things that I really want to stand up for? He is very convincing during fights and I am not good at "giving good reasoning" for things according to him. Any suggestions would be appreciated

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Type: Question • Score: 8 • Views: 3,454 • Replies: 12

@dj785,

I can't offer a thing, but the situation makes me quite sad for some reason. Obviously, he needs to be a lot more sensitive to the things that are important to you. At the least, he should have some clue that something is important just because there are so few things you do stand up for. I don't see it happening.

Sometimes, things are important "just because". He isn't going to recognize this, so again, I haven't anything useful to offer.

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I see divorce, or murder, in your future.

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@dj785,

It sounds like you've already decided to let him have his way because it's not worth having a big fight...he will push and push until he gets his way. Unless you become more assertive you'll become his doormat. There should be a power balance in the relationship. Was he this way before you married him?

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It's not really about the car, is it?

It's about him discounting your feelings and ramrodding this decision to make a major purchase without you being in full agreement.

Your first clue was the "test drive". You could have asked why and what that meant for your car. (You do admit that you don't think on your feet with him and he tends to move too fast in decisions)

Does he do this often?

I was married to a guy like this before. He was constantly buying things without me knowing and it got us into debt. In spite of me saying "Don't ever do that again" he just would not stop.

I think you are upset about your old car because that represented the one thing that was yours that you could use to get away from him without him having a claim on you or it. This is a wake-up call about your relationship.

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@PUNKEY,

PUNKEY wrote:

This is a wake-up call about your relationship.

This.

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@dj785,

The first thing u need to decide is
whether u 'd be better off WITH him, or WITHOUT him.

That decision shoud be made while yet u remain young.

David

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@dj785,

dj785 wrote:

He is very convincing during fights and I am not good at "giving good reasoning" for things according to him.

Uh-oh! (fights)
Uh-oh! (he belittles you)

You don't have to give good, or any, "reasoning" for having your own opinions and desires. This will only get worse. Plan to get out. Have your own private money and build up an escape fund, in secret if necessary, and make a plan. Don't back down. Is your home in your name or his or jointly?

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@dj785,

Yeah, dj...what these other folk have said.

The problem is not with the car...OR with your husband. It is with you.

This may sound harsh...but grow a spine, or you will be a doormat for the rest of your life, whether you stay with this guy or let some other guy take over for him.

Put your foot down...do not argue. Take a position...and stick with it. He'll finally catch on that things have changed.

Or stick with the way you are doing things...and enjoy being a doormat.

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@contrex,

contrex wrote:

dj785 wrote:
He is very convincing during fights and I am not good at "giving good reasoning" for things according to him.

Uh-oh! (fights)
Uh-oh! (he belittles you)

You don't have to give good, or any, "reasoning" for having your own opinions and desires. This will only get worse. Plan to get out. Have your own private money and build up an escape fund, in secret if necessary, and make a plan. Don't back down.

YES! VERY WELL SAID!

David

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Like the savvy posters have opined:
This isn't about him, the car or the money, its about the dynamics of the marriage and how you fit in.

The first thing I'm tempted to ask is...
what was the essence of your parent's marriage?

How did you perceive your mother's role in the family?

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@dj785,

I'm curious to be honest at how long you were together "before" you got married and if you married because you were 28. If you settled and now wishing that you had cold feet a year ago.

This is taking from you.. Just because you are married it does not mean that he has the right to pick out a car that he wants, drive that car 5 days a week, create a huge monthly debt and trade in your car to get it. That's what he did right? Did you get to shop around yourself, pick something you like. No.

I don't think it's a good idea to hold onto a car that long it looses it's value but you loved it, he had to have known that. And, I think it would be different if he did this and you were the one driving it daily and you loved the new car, just an adjustment.

I think that you are upset because you feel used and now in debt when you weren't.

As advised, be assertive. Yes, sometimes things are "ours" when married but when something was yours before, you have a right to discuss and come to a mutually agreed conclusion.. I can't see anything mutual here at all.

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@contrex,

Agreed. You're not being able to "give good reasoning" according to him is simply him saying that you can't offer an opinion that he agrees with. Your reasoning sounded all right to me. It was your car, and now HE has a vehicle and you have none. Will he share that car with you, or will it become HIS car if you need it during the week? You might try telling him that you felt like he discounted your opinion and feelings. It sounds more like "ours" = "his" to me. I've been in more than one relationship like that. My instinct tells me that you should run now.

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My husband is too dominant

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