What should I do, should I forgive my boyfriend and how?

Lots of things here.

But regardless of how everything else goes,

1. stop snooping and
   
2. look for another job.

As for whether you can trust him, it's not looking so good for him. But right now you're just making yourself crazy with the snooping, plus it's unkind, plus if you have any ideas of reconciling and moving on, snooping is destroying those. So stop doing that.

And yeah, find other work. I know it's not easy, but you are putting yourself in a bind by being dependent upon his father for your livelihood. Tip: don't do that again, even if you marry. It's a lousy dynamic.

And then, what do YOU want to do. Not a poll of your girlfriends, but you.

There is no shame in ending it (and better early, before engagement rings and weddings and the like). There is no shame in forgiving and trying to move on.

So think about what you want to do, and how you want the next month to look. Not the rest of your life. Just the next month.

Probable Cause; What you are doing is totally within your ethical rights due to the set of circumstances.

As you said, you fully trusted him, and accidentally couldn't avoid the chat. This was totally not what you expected, and thus, rightfully so lowered your trust for him. But you can't be happy with him when you don't trust him, right? You don't want to be that stupid girl, that "fool".

Yet you also don't want to give up on your relationship yet, right? So, you are doing things in order to "Rebuild" your trust for him. Your mind is working 100 percent correctly, you found evidence of probable infidelity, and now you have the right to search his personal things for further evidence of playing you for the fool. You just have to be sure that he doesn't feel totally violated, but he should understand where you are coming from. If he has nothing to hide, he won't mind, in fact, he would want you to rebuild your trust for him.


Next. I think what he did was wrong based on the chat messages. However, from the sounds of your feelings, I wouldn't give up yet. The main thing that seems most crucial, is to find out why he was able to be so casual with another girl. Did you do something like that against him? or maybe he really loves you a lot, but struggles passing up opportunities with other girls. Or, maybe he doesn't really love you, but likes the comfort you provide and so he lies to you about his feelings and will lie about other girls. Or maybe the whole thing was a set up to test your reaction? There are many different variables, and it may be impossible to get the answer directly from him, which leaves you to "Deductive Reasoning".

You have a very solid reason to be on guard; you don't want to get deeper involved with your feelings and find out 5 years from now his behavior is a pattern and you "should have known".

In all of this, be sure you yourself don't cross any ethical boundaries, for you then risk compromising his trust for you. Don't lie, be honest, don't be a spy, explain your feelings and ask him to show you things you want to see.

That's what I think; but in the end, everybody's relationships are so unique that there never can be 1 blueprint answer that fits.

P.S. There's also the fact that his Father is your boss. This shows that he sorta considers you "family". I would find it hard to believe he doesn't feel very strongly about you, and you clearly have his Father's approval.

"Your mind is working 100 percent correctly, you found evidence of infidelity, and now you have the right to search his personal things for further evidence of playing you for the fool. You just have to be sure that he doesn't feel totally violated, but he should understand where you are coming from. If he has nothing to hide, he won't mind, in fact, he would want you to rebuild your trust for him."


Where the hell is Shakespeare when I need him?

You talk about how you feel about him, but nothing about how he really feels.

You don't say how old you are, but this guy is not ready to become "the one" i.e. marriage.

Cut him loose and see what happens. I know this will be hard, but he needs to have some time to mature and decide what he wants to do.

He feels horrible, embarrassed that I even found out.

We are both 23, and Ive never had intentions on marrying anyone until he convinced me that it was something HE wanted to do with me one day.

He is begging me to stay right now and I am doing everything I can do to try and trust that this is the right choice. I have always said I know my self worth and what I deserve from someone and would never let anyone do this for me.

Thank you for asking the "tough" questions sometimes people don't want to hear the bad and I think that you have brought some clarity to things that I may have to think of. Thank you

First off thank you so much for replying and being so genuine in answering my post, I really appreciate it.

I do feel absolutely horrible that I accidentally found this and it breaks my heart. Since its happened I wish that I didn't see it. Now I feel the need to snoop and I have never felt like I should in the two and half years we have been dating.

I think that hardest part is that we do both clearly care for each other but I don't know the reason for why he felt like he needed to be like that with another women, especially when he made me feel like I was the only person he ever wanted to be with.

I know he feels horrible, I don't think he knew the extent of how badly it hurt or what he had even done. All I want is the truth and to know if it worth working on. I would rather know if something happened and if he can't be honest now, then down the road it probably won't happen either. Its sad how I will never really know what happened and I will never know what was going on in his head.

Thank you for the advice, and putting it into perspective, its hard when your stuck in your own head and constantly go over the same thing over and over again. You really helped me out, thank you.

I had some additional thoughts after reading all the posts again.

You asked: "Should I forgive my boyfriend and how?"

I think that you already have forgiven him. This is based on you searching for answers like on this forum. However, what I think you really meant to ask, is "how do I go back to trusting him like I did before seeing that chat". I think your natural response is the answer-- the "snooping".

You forgave him, but that doesn't change the effect that chat had on your trust. You have solid reason to look more closely at more personal aspects of his life for more indication of synonymous activity. The checking his life more closely, is only a temporary thing. Your trust for him has been wounded, and the only way to heal it back to homeostasis (regular working function) is to satisfy the questions in your mind that require some sort of "proofs" in order to put back together what that chat broke.

The absolute most important thing on your behalf from my perspective, is to be totally upfront and honest. The worst thing you can do, is to sneak around, lie, or steal things from him. Why? Because in doing so, you are giving him solid reason to doubt your trust and character. You are telling him lies, stealing from him, and sneaking around like a spy. You may feel, "its the only way to get the absolute truth", but in doing so, you are compromising your own values in the relationship. If you start hiding things from him now, its possible to become a habit that he may not cherish in his future wife.

Trust is one of the coolest aspects of relationships I think. It is something that has to be 100 percent earned. You can't just give trust or take it away, you need actual solid evidence to sway trust in one way or another. You can lie about trusting someone, but you can't lie to yourself about the doubts that are bouncing back and forth in your own mind. Your quest to rebuild that trust for him, is resolved through your actions AND the variable of time. As time progresses, and you find only reasons to trust him more, you will again be at that blissful state of not having any reason to doubt his commitments to you.


As for why that chat may have happened. There is the possibility that he felt insecure about you being on vacation in Thailand for 20 days. He may have had doubts in his mind that you were playing him for the fool. Guys aren't as open to share their fears as girls are. Yet we all know, most people on vacation usually have a more leisurely state of mind, are more prone to drinking, and more likely to meet with other strangers looking for "a good time". There is always a sense of uncomfortableness that you never know who the one you love might meet when hey are all alone on a vacation. I'm sure if there were statistics, they would show affairs, or infidelity has the highest occurrence of happening on Vacation hot spots. This is due to the nature of distance that will make it less likely that this person will ever cross paths in your regular life. Making it less likely to ever have any evidence besides your loved one's own words, which they can easily lie about.


I do get the sense that he cares for you a lot. In this case, wanting to know if something happened, I think taking his word for it would be best. This is based upon the fact that this is the first time in 2.5 years that he has done anything that gave you reason to doubt him. He has earned this privilege based on his past with you. That said, you still want to get back to the full trust you had for him. Ask to see anything he has that will help restore your trust (his phone, e-mails, chat friends, etc). For things you can't prove that are in the past, his word is worth accepting, because you won't ever be able to know for sure. Even if he lied to you and said "YES, we did do this", you still don't know if he is being honest, or if he is just sick of being questioned for something he already answered.


Being 23, and knowing that marriage means "Till death do us part". I believe you have to have that 100 percent trust after 2.5 years if you are planning on making promises to be with each other for at least another 50 years.


I hope these thoughts help you with your cognitive process of doing the most right thing. This is your relationship and nobody knows what to do in your shoes better than the person walking in them.

Never mind about the "discovery" of these messages. He left it all open. Bet subconsciously he wanted you to find out. He's embarrassed because he got with his hand in the cookie jar. Oh, the shame!

A 23 year old boy/man is in no way ready to settle down to marriage, or even to one person. Hence, when the GF leaves for 20 days, he's out on the prowl.

These girls looking for marriage ought to look for someone several years older.

She needs to tell him to go and explore his needs and get some experience. Then come back when he's better able to settle down.

Stop worrying/wondering about why your boyfriend did what he did.

You need to sort out what you are going to do, other than following Jespah's initial advice - don't snoop anymore and get a job that is not connected to his family.

Can you be in a relationship that is open to your boyfriend connecting with other women? if you can, then you are both in a good place.

If not, you have to decide what you are going to do. Again, don't concern yourself with what your boyfriend is going to do - he has to make his own decisions.

LOL @ "23 year old boy/man is in no way ready to settle down to marriage, or even to one person."

That is your advice? You only include guys, so I guess 23 year old girls are fine then right? Now, is this based on any sort of physical laws of the universe that make it impossible, or is this formed from how you were at 23?

Shakespeare had a grasp re humans.

What has he done? All I know about is some chit chat with a girl. Is part of your relationship agreement that he cant talk to girls?

Still waiting to hear what the man actually agreed to. You can only hold him to his word, not your hopes, dreams and desires.

Seriously? Have you ever been in a relationship. Sorry to sound harsh, but I don't think you understand the commitment it takes to be in a serious relationship.

The issues is the intent of the message. There is no way I would ever talk to another man like that, its disrespectful and it made me sick to my stomach. Imagine someone telling you they love you and only want to be with you everyday and spend the rest of their live with you and then they go and do that.

It wasn't just chit chat I would never get mad if he talked to the girl, it was the intent behind the message.

I dont know intent, the only thing I have seen are some alleged vague quotes from the guy. What was his intention, and how do you know this?

He didn't want me to see the message he deleted it off his phone, he was embarrassed and ashamed about it, because when you commit to a relationship you don't do things like that.

I never said we were getting married right away, maybe in 7/8 years when we both have our lives set out. We both still are working on our education, travelling, and being young. HE was the one who told me that he wanted marriage one day.

I'm not some naive girl who has her head in the clouds, I live in the real world like you. Truthfully I thought my relationship was amazing, so this was a complete shock. I'm upset because its hard to let something slide because I know my self worth and I'm not going to let someone walk all over me when someone else won't. I understand people make mistakes, but its hard to figure out whats forgivable and whats not.

He is the one begging me to stay. All I want is honesty and respect and I know I deserve that. I also want the best for him, if he asked me for some time alone I would respect that completely. I do think he needs more life experience and have told him that travelling after he is done school would really be good for him.

Thank you for sharing your opinion, I do like to think of each perspective, but I don't think he's on the prowl looking for someone else.

Then dear where exactly is your damage?

Get over yourself, and let this go.

He's already proven to you what he is ok with. He knew he was running the risk of losing you...and still went ahead. That means to me : he thought what he was going after was worth losing you. And--Of course he's sorry he got caught...but, he was still ok to take the chance in hopes of hooking up with another person. Hope that makes it clear.

He was looking for a hookup.

If you're ok with that, then continue to spend time with him.