What should I do, should I forgive my boyfriend and how?

So your saying that people can't make mistakes or have a lapse of judgement?
What if your significant other did something similar to this?

I'm not a forgiving person and that's based on my life experiences, and I don't forget when someone does me wrong. Down the road if this were to happen again or anything progressive like this situation, I would be gone. But I'm really trying my hardest to not resent him and try to work through it. I know relationships take work and I also know not to stay in a bad situation, but I don't think anyone will know what his intentions were, none of us were there when it happened and that's the reality of the situation.

Thank you for sharing your opinion

You make a valid point and that's why I struggle to forgive and move on in our relationship.

At the same time we have been together for over two years and this never happened before, he never really associated with women while I was always trying to push him to be more social and make some friends that were girls. It was truly out of character for him to do something like this, or at least to my knowledge it was.

One of my girlfriends who has seen how much this has hurt me has found the girl on facebook and wants to contact her and see what else went on. I'm not opposed to this, but more apprehensive as it is snooping and whats done is done. Another part of me does want to know the whole story and if I was lied to then I'm done. At this point I'm not sure how to proceed because I was to learn to trust again. Its a hard place to be in.

So..it's never happened before...well, if you hadn't noticed you wouldn't know still. There's no telling what you know or don't. ...only the tip of the iceberg is my guess. Proving how much " it has hurt you" is not going to make a man faithful. He knew going in it would hurt you and proceeded..

ok

seriously

keep your friends out of this

out

of

this

It's bad enough that you found out something that makes your boyfriend seem like he's cheating but you've passed that on to a friend (or more)?

You need to sort this out for yourself. Your boyfriend has texted a woman/women indicating that he wants to get together with her/them. You need to figure out if you are cool with this. You do NOT need to contact any of the other women. Your issue is with your boyfriend's texts and whether you can trust him.

This doesn't have to do with your friends, the other women, even your boyfriend's intentions.

I agree with Beth on this...

As do I.

Right, there is only one question on the table: did he or did he not break any agreements. All that we know is that he talked to another girl, and he was in the company of another girl. If this was not breaking any promises then there is nothing to be upset about. Tee could attempt to renegotiate the terms of the relationship so that he is not allowed to do this anymore, but if he has any sense the guy will instead dump Tee, on the grounds that she is unreasonable.

You both are young, were what 19 and a half or 20 when you got together. Boys will be boys, there is a sense of power knowing that some girl thinks he is hot, that's why he said to her he was nervous. You have no idea what he would have done from there in reality as it didn't get to the point where that presented itself. But, if two people have chemistry you can probably bet something would have happened.

Having said that, I had a talk with my nephew a couple of years ago, he was at a cross road. He loved his girlfriend, but they two got together young and he's in a band. He wanted to play the field but didn't want to lose her and was quite lost in himself. We had a chat and 2 years later they are still together, he decided to stick with "love"...

He may be in a committed relationship tee, but you have to keep that committed relationship alive, with adventure, passion as well as laughter and love. Even at your age.

Perhaps the 20 days apart led him to go out more. You state that you've tried to get him to socialise more. He did, he had drunk friends, she had drunk friends, they appeared not to be drunk, consequently got chatting and you weren't there.

So you need to also consider if he just stays at home because that's what he feels you want. Maybe he needs to get out there in the big wide world but loves you and is at a cross road like my nephew.

I totally disagree with ehBeth again. Seems you and I never have the same advice, strange is it not?

I think it's fine that she got her friend involved-- this is her life, and we can not begin to pretend that we understand everything she is feeling.
Her friend is obviously looking out for her, and feels comfortable enough getting some information. There is nothing wrong with that Beth, she is not breaking any laws, nor giving her boyfriend any reason to be angry at her. She only has to remember that letting her boyfriend know is important. There is still a very good chance the conversation she saw is all there is to the story, and so the snooping dishonestly will only hurt her.
Additionally, she will be giving that girl a secret that she has to give to her boyfriend, which would mean her boyfriend is going to find out either way that the girl has been contacted.

You are right this is about "trusting" her boyfriend. That is the whole point of what she is doing Beth. She wants to get additional information in order to better assess the situation, ultimately to get back what she lost, which is the trust for her boyfriend. If she finds out he lied and there is more to the story, then the trust is totally shattered. If she finds out there is nothing more, then the trust will start to regrow back to where it was before Taiwan.

It's called "witch-hunting".

No good can come of it, her friend will tell this girl after lying to her to get information, that he has a girlfriend and to back off. When the girl probably had no idea even that he had a girlfriend.

The boyfriend should be man enough to "not" contact this girl full stop in respect of his girlfriend, even though the girl will wonder what happened.

"Boys will be boys"

What are you talking about? I never once cheated on any of my girlfriends nor would I ever consider it. If two people have chemistry, it doesn't mean they are going to do something, it probably just means they are drunk and not thinking as rationally as they would. When you have a girlfriend, every other girl is a sister, aunt, mother--or Off Limits. I understood this at 16.

Tee's main point of issue here is the possibility that her boyfriend is playing her for the fool. This means, lieing about his feelings and promises to Tee in order to get whatever it is he wants from her. She wants to find out, she has reason for the first time to find out. This is part of the necessary process of rebuilding trust.

"No good can come of it."

Plenty of good can come of it. She might find out something that is reason enough to call off the relationship and save herself from being played longer.
She can also find out information that builds her trust back up for her boyfriend and they can be together for many years to come with full trust in one another.

That's a strange answer.

"Boys will be boys" in one breathe, followed by:- " What are you talking about?" " I never once cheated.

Neither did my nephew. I am assuming you are referring to my previous post.

That is the point that I am making for Tee, that it's possible that he may not have gone further than flirting. He may have more morals. She needs to consider all angles.

The more you snoop the more you don't get the complete picture. You assume. Your accusations are made to your other half, he gets tongue tied and can't answer properly or defends on something that simply is not there.

Communication is the key with honesty to re-build trust.

We are different people let alone gender victor so we have our own "opinions". It's up to the OP to decide which road to take from the opinions provided to her, not for any of us to shove one down her throat and start disagreeing with anyone that has a different opinion.

Haha, you bring up an interesting question to mind. A guy walks into a bank with a gun in his pocket and a pre-written note demanding money from the teller. He hesitates, and decides to walk out before anyone has any idea of what he was planning to do. As he is walking out, he bumps into an officer, falls down, and the note slides out of his pocket. The Police man inspects it, searches the guy and finds a gun. What happens next?
Or, he bumps into the officer before walking into the bank.

The point of the story is to ask the question "Does one's intentions make any difference?" Does intending to cheat, but failing, still constitute a violation to ones promises to be faithful? I think so, it would bother the heck out of me. However, it would be much easier to forgive then if it actually happened.

Our gender makes no difference, we are both people Soul.

Flirting gives suspicion of the intent of wanting to go further. Technically, this is still a violation and it is why her boyfriend feels upset, and why Tee feels hurt. She has forgiven him for this, and is now trying to rebuild the trust that was lost from the flirting.

"Communication is the key" Yes I agree with that, which is why I suggested letting her boyfriend know that she or her friend may contact that girl in order to suffice the doubts in her mind caused from the chat message.

As long as she is being honest and upfront, "snoop" is not the right term, it's more like "investigating" or "gathering data".

Are you familiar with the Scientific Method? Starts with just a hypothesis, an educated guess. It requires gathering data, and then experimentation, and then analyzing the outcomes, and then reformulating a new hypothesis.
This is what Tee is doing. She is "gathering information" to test her "hypothesis". After she gathers that information, she will make a more educated guess. She will continue this process until she has a clear concise final answer. The final outcome will either be full trust again, or it will be end of their love story.

Tee also is apprehensive and I agree with her comment, what's done is done. If she believes she has communication down pact with her boyfriend, they should be able to talk sensibly and seriously about it.. What if the girl gets pissed off that he had a girlfriend (you know her friend will tell her) and decides to make up lies? To get back at him for even approaching her. You don't know the third party she's not written here, we don't know her mentality and yes, it could backfire ..

I like her comment, "what's done is done"... It was flirting. She needs to establish from him, why he felt that he had to, wanted to flirt to start with, a discussion with "him"...

Sometimes gathering data backfires. This isn't Science but I do get what you are stating, it's a witch hunt that can have the adverse effect if this girl decides to lie to get back at him.

We dont know either that what he promised Tee, or what he intended to do with the girl he was talking to. All we know is that he had a g rated conversation with a girl and that at some point they were in the same room. Tee only has the right to expect BF to honor his agreements, not her ideal of how a BF should act. She has yet to even claim that BF broke his word. As men we are equal partners in a relationship, we are not on the leash of our women, and their expectations. The issue here is consent, what did he agree to, and did he go against that.

So far it seems that Tee's argument is " but everyone knows that he should not be chatting up girls, and getting their number", to which I say " I dont, there are all kinds of different relationship agreements, dont assume that because a guy wants to be with you that he agrees with your parameters of what is a "proper" relationship. Talk to him, get agreements with him, and only distrust him if he starts breaking those agreements".

So far I dont know that BF did ANYTHING wrong.

Once you start believing random chicks over your BF the relationship is as good as toast.

Agreed. But how many threads honestly have you read on Forums Hawkeye that do all the snooping and "do" believe random chicks, not to mention the girlfriends as they make their stance on their own beliefs.

Another thing to consider is that maybe this random chick lies, nothing happened but she claims that it did (or that BF was "coming on" to her), because she decides she wants to hurt this psycho bitch who is all up in her face because she had the nerve to chat with BF. In any case there is no reason to expect that anything this random girl says is the truth, talking to her is pointless.