I want to have an affair. Am I a bad person?

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The secrecy, the allure, it is so sexy to me. Does it make me a bad person? I just want to find a likeminded person because my wife and I don't have sex anymore. I am 28, not in terrible shape, and decently attractive. I'm successful and educated. I'm an attorney who is pursuing an LL.M. (masters of law) at Northwestern. Why doesn't my wife find me desirable? Why can't find someone to have an affair with and connect in a way that obviously my wife and I never could? It sounds cliche, but there is truth to wanting to be wanted.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 10 • Views: 2,620 • Replies: 16

The fact that you're questioning yourself despite being under-fire from desire, no. You're a good man with needs.

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@cluebbers87,

Quote:

Does it make me a bad person?

The short and simple answer is yes.
Here's a thought. Have you talked to your wife about the issue? Has she been checked out medically to make sure there is no issue there? How about a bit of counseling? Why not put some effort into fixing what is broken. And then, if it is not fixable, get a divorce and then you will be free to screw to your heart's content. But until the two of you at the very least separate, then yes, it makes you a bad person. At least in my opinion.

Quote:

Why doesn't my wife find me desirable?

Don't know. Why don't you try talking to her and asking her?

1 Reply

@cluebbers87,

Along with somewhere between 50-80% of people at least once in their lives. Do you know that percentage of people to be bad people?

Mind you, I think you are asking the wrong question. Rather - why is there so little meaning in your life that you need to resort to affairs (and the likes) to feel alive? Perhaps it's time to start finding, and putting, true meaning into your life.

Quote:

why can't find someone to have an affair with and connect in a way that obviously my wife and I never could?

You're a lawyer? Then you'll understand why I underlined the one word.

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@cluebbers87,

Maybe check your contacts list and review how many of the people on it are skip tracers and investigators. Maybe review how many are family lawyers, too, and collections agencies.

And remind yourself that getting caught and paying support (and losing the respect of any children you may have) will last a **** ton longer than the allure and the sexiness of it all.

Think with the right head and be smart about this. It's not about "bad" or "good" or whatever (well, it is, but let's get down to brass tacks). Honestly, what would happen if you were talking to a client, a guy like you, four or five years from now, after the bloom is off the rose with the affair partner and the guy is being sued up the yin yang for custody of any children plus half of the marital assets? What would you say to that guy? How would you defend him?

I would also remind you that things like falsifying records and grabbing escrow money are causes for disciplinary actions, at least they are in the United States. And desperate folks having affairs and covering them up sometimes do stuff like that.

Want excitement? Invest in a racehorse.

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Why are you staying in a passionless marriage?

Screw up some courage and get what you want out of life.

(Now, of course, we are hearing only ONE side of the story. Who knows? You could be working 20 hours a day and come home and expect her to be like the Stepford Wives type. )

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@cluebbers87,

cluebbers87 wrote:

The secrecy, the allure, it is so sexy to me.
Does it make me a bad person?

No, but r u violating a contract??

cluebbers87 wrote:

I just want to find a likeminded person because my wife and I don't have sex anymore.

Maybe divorce is your best remedy ??
I think that goes to the heart
of your marriage contract.

cluebbers87 wrote:

I am 28, not in terrible shape, and decently attractive.
I'm successful and educated. I'm an attorney who is pursuing an LL.M.
(masters of law) at Northwestern.

R u a trial lawyer ?
How will u use the LLM??
U wanna be a law professor ?

Is your wife a lawyer ?

cluebbers87 wrote:

Why doesn't my wife find me desirable?

Who is your best witness on that point, Counselor ?

cluebbers87 wrote:

Why can't find someone to have an affair with and connect in a way
that obviously my wife and I never could?

I deny having sufficient knowledge or information to form a belief.

cluebbers87 wrote:

It sounds cliche, but there is truth to wanting to be wanted.

I have a hunch that u need a better partner.

David

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The secrecy, the allure... If you were the other person being cheated on??...my...What allure of getting away with something....it's so fun to make someone else a fool....it's fun...makes you feel powerful....sfter all the other person trusts you right? It wouldn't work without that component? It wouldn't be fun if they didn't care ....it's freaking fun to betray someone ....right???? You're so freaking smart!!!

1 Reply

@Germlat,

Germlat wrote:

The secrecy, the allure... If you were the other person being cheated on??...my...What allure of getting away with something....it's so fun to make someone else a fool....it's fun...makes you feel powerful....sfter all the other person trusts you right? It wouldn't work without that component? It wouldn't be fun if they didn't care ....it's freaking fun to betray someone ....right???? You're so freaking smart!!!

U put the point most cogently, Germ,
but your post fails to take cognizance of his assertion
that sexuality has dropped out of his marriage.

If that is true,
then how much remains
of his marriage beyond an mt shell ?

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

Cheating is not the alternative. Having the gonads to end it and move on is the only true way of ending it with dignity/courage.

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@cluebbers87,

You're too young to be living without sexual intimacy with your wife. You two have a problem and unless you are not interested in working out these problems together, I'd advice you to get a divorce. This way, you both have a chance to find someone who meets your needs.

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@CoastalRat,

Are you copy/pasting your 'advices' from notepad?
Medical issue? A woman of 28?

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@cluebbers87,

You said
Why can't find someone to have an affair with and connect in a way that obviously my wife and I never could?

You don't want to have an affair with
someone to have an affair with and connect in a way that obviously my wife and I never could...
you want to be married such person.

And if you having an affair with person you connect - why do you need a wife who you do not connect with?

1 Reply

@Eliusa,

Ask your husband...

1 Reply

@Germlat,

And here you are my...shadow. Hi!
And what you suggest I ask?

1 Reply

@Eliusa,

Eliusa wrote:

And here you are my...shadow. Hi!
And what you suggest I ask?

Stop giving advice and cure your own maladies before giving advice.

0 Replies

@cluebbers87,

sorry but honestly, i agree with punkey. Find someone who has passion for you and you for her...or have your wife do so..tell her straight up what you want . we all need love both sexually and emotionally..

0 Replies

I want to have an affair. Am I a bad person?

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