I Am Being Driven Crazy By My Mother

dyslexia--

Old age isn't for sissies--or for sissy children.

Phoenix--

Hold your dominion.

Dys, I had to do that, all those years ago. I understand the horribleness.

Headaches upon headaches. Yikes.

This is becoming more and more of a thing, for a variety of reasons; the population as a whole living longer, the baby boomers approaching old age, the greater likelihood of geographical distance between parents and adult children, etc., etc. I'm interested in where it's going as a phenomenon. I think the boomers are going to force a lot more choices. I read somewhere recently about more and more single (widowed, divorced, never-married) female old friends of a certain age living together for companionship and also to help each other out. That's one thing that makes a lot of sense to me. That article highlighted that a major message of the 60's was making your own families, families of like-minded people who you enjoyed being with, and that this is a logical direction for that to go.

Anyway, not to get abstract and philosophical on y'all. What a conundrum, and sorry you have to face it.

My friends and I have talked about that for years, soz, different friends at different times, but I haven't seen it happen. Although not at the alzheimer's stage of things, more as a colony..

Most people get more idiosyncratic and crankier about preferences with age. I can see, then, something like the housing we had a lot of in Venice, what we called courts... maybe six small places on one big lot. The problem with that was those places, charming as they often were, were without much if any parking, and there was a point in time where they weren't built any more.

But a lot of 76 year olds don't really need a car..

I Am Being Driven Crazy By My Mother
Oh, Phoenix - I went through this, and it is truly horrible. I had to make the decision to put my mother in a nursing home because shebecame disoriented in her own apartment building (couldn't find her way back from the downstairs restaurant, for example), refused a live-in companion, wouldn't eat, and on and on. I was working full time almost an hour away, and thank God my boss was generous about the time I had to take off.

All this against the wishes of her eleven grandchildren who had no idea what living with a mentally deteriorating and increasingly mentally disturbed person is like. I had to deal with that years earlier in a different setting, and wouldn't wish it on anyone.

On top of all this, as with many who have responded, my relations with my mother were not the smoothest at the best of times. It might have been better if mny sister could have dealt with the situation, but she had died some years earlier, and it fell to me.

In an assisted living framework your mother might well find congenial residents. My mother did make friends with one woman in the nursing home, (unfortunately when that resident died my mother deteriorated further, despite the efforts of the truly wonderful staff to help her).

One thing is important - or would be to me - a private room. My mother had one and it made all the difference. If she had had to share a room it would have been awful for her and even more awful for the roommate.

You just have to make the decision with an eye to your mother's safety. Sooner or later she will endanger herself, and the decision will be made for you, but perhaps not in a way you might prefer.

Let us know what you do. I know we'll all be thinking of you while you makr this extremely difficult decision.

Listening still.

Phoenix--

You aren't alone:

http://www.alternet.org/story/19425/

Noddy- I can't seem to access that page.

I'm listening too. My parents' are going to stay with my one remaining grandparent this month for a week. He's at my aunt and uncle's house and they need a vaca. Of the 5 siblings, 2 refused to put him in a home and they have been the ones to house him and manage the in-house nursing help.

Perhaps they were afraid non-subscribers would be driven to Granny Dumping.



Eldercare Duties Strain Careers, Marriages, Study Shows
Written By: ElderLawAnswers.com
Last updated: Jul 8, 2004

Worries about their caregiving responsibilities concern family caregivers far more than worries about their children, job security, retirement savings, or terrorism, according to a national survey of caregivers released by SeniorBridge Family, a leading provider of home-based eldercare services and an ElderLawAnswers partner.

The survey - which polled men and women who care for an aging parent, friend or relative at home or in an independent living facility - found that more than a third (35 percent) of caregivers who work outside the home believe that eldercare responsibilities have affected their job performance, and 30 percent of those who are married report that their responsibilities have strained their marriage.

The survey found that caregivers spend an average of 10 hours a week coordinating or actively providing care. Despite their sacrifices, 48 percent of the caregivers surveyed lack confidence in the quality of their caregiving arrangements.

"Most caregivers are time-starved and overwhelmed by the complexity of their caregiving responsibilities," notes Larry Sosnow, Chief Executive Officer of SeniorBridge Family. "Fully 80 percent of the survey respondents work full-time outside the home and are juggling eldercare, childcare and job responsibilities. At the same time, many are caring for patients with increasingly serious physical and cognitive impairments - conditions such as Alzheimer's disease and debilitating arthritis, which are on the rise due to longer life expectancies."

While care recipients in the SeniorBridge Family study receive, on average, 16 to 20 hours of care from all caregivers combined - paid and unpaid - nearly half (46 percent) of the men and women surveyed believe that there are additional hours of care that are needed but not provided.

Perhaps as a result of this shortfall, nearly half (44 percent) of the survey respondents report that care recipients have missed meals or suffered from poor nutritional intake, while an additional one-third (32 percent) have visited an emergency room or sustained injuries from an accident. Another 22 percent have been alone at home when an emergency occurred.

"As the time demands and costs associated with eldercare escalate, many caregivers feel they have no choice than but to cut back on care and supervision," says Sosnow. "The result, unfortunately, is a sharp increase in nutritional problems, injuries and drug noncompliance. All too often, there is no care coordinator in place who is responsible for ensuring a comprehensive and consistent level of caregiving."

Among the survey's other key findings, caregivers overestimate the percentage of eldercare costs covered by Medicare. While only 3 percent of the survey respondents expect Medicare to cover all of current and future eldercare costs, 26 percent expect to be reimbursed for most (75 percent or more) of their care-related expenses and 50 percent expect half or more of costs to be covered. In reality, Medicare will typically cover only 5-20 percent of the cost of eldercare.

Nearly half (41 percent) of caregivers surveyed report that they worry six or more times per week about the well-being of the person for whom the care, ahead of worries about their children (27 percent), job security (22 percent), retirement savings (23 percent), their partner's health (17 percent), the stock market (17 percent), terrorism (12 percent) or their own health (10 percent).

Founded in 2000, SeniorBridge Family is a national provider of home-based eldercare services. For more information about SeniorBridge Family, visit the company's Web site at www.seniorbridgefamily.com

For a copy of the survey's executive summary, contact: Jeremy Goodridge, (212) 994-6113, [email protected]

Duplicate deleted. I'm not used to the ten-posts-a-page yet and thought I'd messed up on my copy&paste.

I Am Being Driven Crazy By My Mother
Phoenix - This is a hard piece of advice to give, so I will be blunt and quick: Put your self first. What good will it do your mother if you fall apart?

Think what will keep her safest. Plan objectively- or as objectively as you can - for things like how often you can deal with her with minimum strain.
What happens if someone else drives her to day care? What if an aide does her laundry? Certainly, with visits to the doctor you do want to be with her; that can't be entrusted to anyone else. But running errands? Keeping her company beyond what you can handle calmly and without detriment to your self?

Remember what I asked in my first paragraph: What good will it do your mother if you fall apart?

I feel for you, and my advice comes from long experience - I can truthfully say "been there, done that", and I know that whatever you do won't be easy.

Tomkitten- I know that it took a long time for me to answer your post, but things have been rather hairy round these parts. I am coming to the conclusion that my mother is going to need assisted living very soon.

I am going on vacation the end of September. As a first step, I am taking her to an assisted living place, during the time that I am away. I arranged to have my mother go to the MD and have a general physical, so that the doctor can fill out the necessary medical forms.

Well.................Seems that my mother's blood work came out all whacked out. She had been complaining that she had been tired for the last few weeks, but had chalked it up to old age. She is dehydrated, (eats and drinks very little), and has a couple of other problems.

The MD did not want to put her in the hospital. She felt that at her age, my mother could pick up all sorts of bugs in the hospital. She needs to drink 10 glasses of water a day, so my latest job is "nag".

I think that she is finally appreciating what I am doing, and lately, I have been getting a lot of positive feedback from her. I think that really helps. and I find that I am a lot less resentful.

My vacation may be a good thing, both for me, and my mother. It will give her a taste of what an assisted living place is like, so as to make the transition less painful. If everything works out, when I get back, I will arrange to have her live there permanently. If not, I will just have to check out other places in the area.

Wow, Phoenix, big and important step. I sure hope assisted living works out for her. Glad about the positive feedback anyway.

Your mother is of a generation that Prepares a Soul to Meet One's God. Her awareness of mortality may inspire better behavior in this life.

P.S.

Enjoy your vacation--you've earned your time away and two eyes to view that time.

I Am Being Driven Crazy By My Mother
You're making some difficult decisions, Phoenix, but they really seem to be the right ones. I know is not easy - not at all - but your'e really on the right road.

It's good that your mother is giving you some positive feedback for a change, but brace for a change when you get back; these things go up and down. In a way, they aren't altogether personal. Anyway, you should be rested and more able to cope after your holiday.

Now the next thing is to relax - to whatever degree possible, under the circumstances - and enjoy your vacation. Your mother will be safe and well cared for, and you've involved her doctor in the decision making which should add greatly to your peace of mind.

Good on ya, Phoenix. I hope things go well at the facility for your Mom. And, of course, I hope you have a great vacation! :-D

I'm relieved to hear all this, and wish you a well deserved vacation.