Phoenix, I think you're amazing to have put in so much effort for so long. I have no doubt that you would continue to visit your mother if she was in a "home". You never know, this might be positive for her - the company of people her own age PLUS you. I might be good for you, too!
L.R.R., the added component here is that there is just plain a difficult relationship -- I'm really happy that you have the kind of relationship with your mother that you could stand the thought of her living with you, but I don't, and I remember some things that Phoenix has said about her upbringing as being quite difficult.
I agree that its a nice thing to aspire to, but I think there has to be some kind of limits set on that. Not that if you have a parent you automatically must care for that parent in his/ her dotage. There must be some limits set on that, just as with marriages; what if the parent is/ was abusive, emotionally or physically, for example? Of course there is a vast middle ground, between the parents whom one would happily spend every minute of every day with and the parents who have just been released from jail for crimes committed against you (say.) But there are very good assisted living facilities, and if it is affecting Phoenix this much and this deeply, it's too much. The claim on one's children is not infinite. I certainly don't expect my daughter to take care of me the way Phoenix has been taking care of her mother all of these years. Nor, frankly, do I think I'd want her to... I'd prefer to deal with professional staff who are there by choice. I'd want to SEE her, mind you, but I wouldn't want her to be obligated in any way -- just for her to do as much as she genuinely wants.
Anyway, I think getting her "good care" is what all of us are urging Phoenix to do. Lots of options out there.
Believe it or not, I envy you your problem. My Mom died at age 56. I didn't get a chance to see her into old age. I don't know what I would do in your case. Good luck.
Food for thought, edgar, for all of us with irritating mothers.
<raising hand>
phoenix, i can certainly empathize with you... but a thought has occurred to me. what if you have inherited her gene for longevity and you too live well into your 90s....
Phoenix, how very tough, and sad. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't choose any of the options possible. From sending her to an assisting living facility, through getting a caretaker for her, or taking her in into your home - each of those options has a significant bad side. I have no advice, I don't know what I would do, and I love my mother dearly. Just seek in your heart the balance between remaining sane (option of her living with you being probably out immediately) and not having too much guilt when she passes. My aunt chose to take her mother, my grandma, in for the last few years of her life. Pure hell. She lost her short term memory, only remembered the times until she was about 50 or so. Confused me for my mom constantly, was looking for her husband, long dead, constantly - thinking he is drinking with other guys from the village in the cellar. My aunt had a heart of gold and nerves of steel. But in the end, she also got most of the bad temper from the grandma, who could not take care of herself anymore.
Whatever you do, it is after much consideration and caring. Just stay strong, you're doing good.
Phoenix
I'm watching with great interest.
I'm about to face this situation with my aunt - who turns 80 this year, and lives 3 hours away. It makes it even more difficult to keep an eye on her.
I have no suggestions but plenty of sympathy!
What does your mother's physician say about her care? Is assisted living really going to be in her best interest?
Gala wrote:phoenix, i can certainly empathize with you... but a thought has occurred to me. what if you have inherited her gene for longevity and you too live well into your 90s....
Many people are now living to be over 100!
As some of you might remember, I take care of my mother (83), similarily to what Phoenix does:
my mother lives with her sister(81, depressive) in a big (very big) house alone. She is visited three times by nurses (would never go to a day-care house, not thinking about a residence), and I (we) do the cooking, financial affairs, take her out etc.
A 7/7 job - although I'm usually "only" about three hours/day there (20 mins by car).
In spring, both of us have been away together for the first time for three days: she got very much confused.
Now, we have been on holidays for 10 days: she started cooking (well, kind of) on her own, went with her sister to church ...
(The last is the most extraordinary: she has to use a "roolator", but didn't like the one given free. Thus, we had to buy a "sport-car-like" lightweight model: she didn't like to be seen with this in public/in my hometown.)
So, I'm really please now - knowing by the experience of the last years that this may change within literally minutes.
I do hope, Phoenix, that you have the power to keep all that up.
The more, however, I do hope that you don't forget yourself.
I have been there in a few ways, as my mother had alzheimers back in the late sixties and the seventies, when the word wasn't well known. More recently, I have watched (and visited) as my aunt aged and aged and aged and aged. I always loved this aunt, my mother's brother's wife. She died in 2001 at almost 101. Now my cousins loved there mother well enough, each in their own complex ways, but there was a litany of difficulties over decades so that while all were smart women, none was a saint. (It was me who loved my aunt relatively purely from somewhat afar, since she wasn't my rulemaker at any time...)
After her husband died, she moved to Leisure World, and within that, a few places. And then my cousins, one of them in particular, would find her small care facilities. I must have visited her at five places, the movings happening for various reasons. If you go this route, keep a close eye...
My cousins were exhausted. She had been talking about dying sometime soon for thirty years. Sentiment disintegrated. They were always kind, I never saw that they weren't but they were sorely tried. I recognized it, from my own stress years before.
Me the visitor, I saw my aunt's mind trapped in her body and we had several good talks on my visits... they helped her for those moments. The harrowing thing about all this is that the moments the patient remembers are fewer, and you go through all this mishegas and it vaporizes, but you still have to.
My cousins never resented my position of relative freedom though since they had watched me go through this stuff first.
In their case, they had each other, although that was probably more aggravation for both of them.
What can I say in summary - seek resouces, there are more and more out there, at least relative to when I dealt, when there were none, but various community agencies to help shoulder stuff. If you don't get answers, keep asking. And asking.
ehBeth- Did you say that you are coming south? If so, maybe we can have a get together. There are a bunch of us on A2K who are in Florida, and maybe we can meet somewhere in the middle of all of us!
So you did see me slide that in
I sort of have my heart set on a trip to the Wilmington/Cape Fear/Myrtle Beach area in the autumn. Florida isn't that much further, once you've already done the 18 - 20 hour drive to Myrtle Beach.
So - take care of yourself, because I want to meet a not-stressed, not- tranquilized Phoenix!
Phoenix, I know you'll do the right thing. I'm glad you are talking about it... getting it out, letting off some steam.
I agree with the opinion here of "take care of yourself", no matter what you do.
I had a dream last night that I was in FL... I never have dreams about other places. It was wild, too!
From this week's Newsweek
Noddy- Thanks for the article. I think that it is telling me something!
Phoenix, my thoughts are with you... Take care of yourself, dear!
Funny, I had a completely different reaction to that article... it simply reinforced my current feelings on this issue.
