I Am Being Driven Crazy By My Mother

Your typing is pretty good for being loaded. Apparently you haven't had enough to drink yet.

whn yr tpin star to loook lik dis.... denn u ok

Aw, I'm sorry, Phoenix. :-(

It sounds like you have done so much to help her already. I know there are several degrees of assisted living facilities, places that are really quite nice and most of all offer a social mileu. Does she have friends, see people other than you?

Soz- that's part of the problem...............when we first moved here, there was so much to do, but she refused to get involved.

When an elder begins to become so disoriented that it becomes unsafe--it is time to find a safe environment. I think that is the criteria that helps so many of us make these hard decisions.

You are the best person to know when that happens.

You don't say she has had a dangerous experience, but sometimes the first sign is too late.

Its an extraordinary responsibility. I think if I were you, I'd start visiting some of the places with her.
I think the time is probably near. I do think if there are TOO decompensated when they move, the adjustment may be MORE difficult.

Just my 2 cents.

Sofia- That's the problem...............if I keep a good watch on her, she is not doing anything unsafe. She locks her door, does not use the stove. She gets Meals on Wheels.........which she warms up in the microwave.

The thing that I am dealing with is that I have been a much better mother to her, than she ever was to me.............and my husband is not very supportive in this area!

First, one must consider that it's truly a miracle that your mother has reached the age of 94 and still she's seems to be perky enough to go to the dentist and also, live alone.

I don't think that your mother should continue living on her own. So you must decide what the next step should be.

I'd say that assisted living is not for her. I would suggest that you obtain a caretaker for her, who would receive room and board plus a salary for staying with your mother.

How's that sound to you?

By the way, based on your mother's age, I wonder if an assited living home would even take her in.
Do you agree?

She would have no problem. She does not need help with bathing, dressing or feeding. Actually, the problem is, that the stuff that I do, I would probably still do if she were in an assisted living facility.

Phoenix, I have no valid advice for you, but I wish you great luck in making this decision.

hamburger recently told me about a couple that he and mrs. hamburger know. Mr. Friend was my high school principal, Smiling Jack. He and his wife are in their mid-late 70's.

Mrs. Friend was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 2 years ago. Mr. Friend put a lot of effort into keeping her at home, but her condition continued to deteriorate. He was getting physically and emotionally worn out. A few months ago, his kids finally convinced him that assisted living was the answer for Mrs. Friend. To everyone's amazement, she seems to be improving. She is getting involved in the community, going and doing things she hasn't done for years. I think there's really no one size fits 'em all answer, and I think that sometimes assisted living is a good answer, much as daycare is sometimes a better answer for kids than staying at home.

Phoenix, you've been doing a great job as daughter/caretaker/parent to your mother. If you want to get to 94 yourself, please think of yourself. If you don't take care of yourself now, you're not going to be any good for anyone.

Check the blue pages of your telephone book for an "Agency on Aging". They might be able to help you arrange for a caretaker/companion or for regular visits from Visiting Nurses (probably practical rather than licensed).

You have done your damnedest for years and years and now your mother is starting to eat your life. Of course you're tired. You also have every right to be angry, even if "good girls" are supposed have infinite patience and compassion.

I remember reading after her death that every so often Mother Teresa would throw a wing-ding temper tantrum. You are certainly entitled to twice as many as a saint.

What is the life expectancy on your mother's side of the family? Ninety four is a very respectable age. The IRS expects her to live 3.9 years--
( http://www.retirelink.com/education/LifeExpectancy.html ) but that is "average".

You have my sympathy, Phoenix. Hold your dominion.

I think ehBeth is right.

Didn't want to seem uncaring for your mom, Phoenix, but I think you have done too much already.

Finding her full-time care isn't abandoning her. You could 'do lunch', and have energy to ENJOY your time with her, and let others take the day to day responsibility. I think that is too much for a person to do 24/7. And, bless her heart: One day, she will forget the stove rules, or the door, or leave the windows open all night, or fall... Not to scare you. I know you have this in the back of your mind.

I hope you find peace in your decision, whatever it is. (And, I hope you work what is best for you, too, somewhere in the decision.)

Assisted living can be very expensive. Maybe your mother might like to move into your home.

ehBeth- You are probably right. It is getting to a point where I have to take a tranquillizer every time I go to see her. I understand what is happening to her, but I am unable to contain my frustration.

Phoenix--

Living alone she has to supply her own structure to the day. In an assisted living facility, she would have a world to fit into.

I think we've talked before about the need to set boundaries, even with ones own family. You have already gone well above and beyond, and when it gets to the point when you have to take a tranquilizer before you see her -- I mean, you have to take a tranquilizer before you see her -- something needs to be done.

I have very little doubt that if you were responding to this post rather than having written it, you would be telling the poster that she needed to put aside any guilt and take care of herself. And as others have said, it's very very possible that what's best for you is best for her, too.

This is interesting. Phoenix, I am sorry you're having a hard time with this, I know things like that can be very stressful.

I was friends with a Mexican woman, who told me about how the typical American culture seemed so cold to her for this very reason. In her communities the grandparents would live with the family... not in retirement/nursing/assisted-living facilities. It really got me thinking. I've decided that I'm not going to do that to my parents. I'm going to ask them to live with me, and my husband is completely fine with that idea. They are my parents, after all.

To be realistic, your mother is in her last few years right now. Whatever you decide to do, it won't be for long. I would say, either move her in with you... or get her in the best care you can possibly afford.

A tranquilizer before and a drink after!

Phoenix, please take care of yourself. I want YOU to be in good health for a visit when I finally make my way south. ok, ok, it's not about me, but you know what I mean.

L.R.R.Hood- There is no way that she could live with me. I cannot spend more than an hour with her without becoming upset.

What about the other option I mentioned? If you get her good care, she wouldn't be infantilized.