I Am Being Driven Crazy By My Mother

Phoenix--

Every so often fate taps you on the shoulder.....maybe you listen....maybe the next tap is the Grim Reaper.....

Never ask for whom the bell tolls--it may toll for thee....EARLY.

I gotta say, how would you like it happening to you at 27?

I was one befuddled person, and though I was working in a med center at time, the understanding of all this was way low then. Not to cast blame, but nowhere I turned helped.

Thank everybody who got the internet going for just this one thing... information, mostly free.

I agree with you.

Well, it just makes me see people in my own country and culture as self centered and irresponsible. People who were abused in some way by their parents may not feel like helping... but #1 - who hasn't been abused in some way by their family? and #2 - would people who don't know the parent in question do a better job at taking care of them? (health care workers)... talk about horrible revenge.

I'm so sorry to sound so harsh, but I hope those of you putting your parents in a home never grow old yourself.

L.R.R.Hood- I hope that you never have to make that kind of decision about your parents. If the time ever comes, I do believe that you will find that life is much more complex than how you describe it.

Honestly, L.R.R. Hood--

You are ignoring human individuality, both the limits of the adult child and the capacity for impossibility of the adult parent.

The Moonies have enormous wedding ceremonies in which several hundred pairs of strangers are married for life. At least these people are brainwashed to take a chance on enforced togetherness.

I doubt that any parent sets out to be physically or emotionally abusive, but many parents because of their own weaknesses are physically and emotionally abusive, toxic to the health of the child and the adult child.

I know of a number of married couples between the ages of 30 and 60 who have anywhere between 4 and 8 aging parents and step parents. Not one of these couples would accept every parent or step parent into their home on a permanent basis.

Some combinations of people simply cannot live peacefully together and pompous piety about the parent-child bond is not going to cure years of friction or injustice.

I've already made my decision, I mentioned that. When is life not complex? I feel that if you have to talk yourself into doing something, then its probably not the right thing to do.

I still think its good to let off some steam about this, but you know you will hear opposing viewpoints. I said my thing, and I was satisfied... but after reading more posts, and that article... I just got disheartened.

L.R.R. Hood, you're of course entitled to you opinion, but what I find obnoxious about your opinion here is that Phoenix has already gone so above and beyond. She lives 5 minutes away from her mother. She sees her every day. She bought her a condo. She does her financial stuff, laundry, takes her to the doctor, etc. That's a LOT!

Being a martyr doesn't solve anything, especially when it doesn't necessarily benefit her mother. There have been many stories here of people actually doing better when the majority of their assistance comes from professionals and not their adult children.

If all assisted living facilities were horrible, well, fine. But there are plenty of good ones, too, especially, I'd imagine, in Florida, where the market is huge and competitive. Again, this could easily be beneficial not only for Phoenix but for her mother.

I agree as a general concept that it is sad that so many Americans are less nurturing of their elders than in other countries, but I think Phoenix's story is one of someone who has gone above and beyond already.

Soz- Yes, there are some lovely assisted living places for older people who don't need a nursing home, but need some help. Last year, when I went on my trip out west, I arranged that she stay in one for a month. I could not leave her alone, and I thought that it would give her the opportunity to "try out" such a facility.

Well, I ran around doing all the preliminary footwork. I filled out all the papers, and arranged for her to get medical clearance. I took her over to a place that I had picked out to see what it was like. They had recently remodeled, and the place was very nice, like a better class hotel.

WELL! She took one look and stated adamantly that she did not want to stay there, "with those old people" . So I ended up arranging for her cleaning girl to come in one hour a day, do her shopping, and see what she needs. During the week, she was at her senior center. It worked out ok, but that was last year. I am seeing a gradual but definite deterioration since then.

Phoenix--

Do you have a Durable Power of Attorney for your mother? Does she have a living will?

If not, consider getting both--a lawyer could draw them up at the same time using standard boiler plate. The Power of Attorney would mean that you were empowered by your mother to make medical decisions on her behalf--including the move to a nursing home.

If push comes to shove, the Power of Attorney could be life-saving for you both.

Wouldn't this mean that someone else than the closest relative better gets this Power of Attorney?

At least my opinion, which comes from knowing some dozens, if not hundreds of such and similar cases. (I handle all the monetarian things for my mother, but since according to her will, I'm the 100% heir of all the money, deposits etc I've no [great] difficulties re such.)
There's no need at all for getting the Power of Attorney yet, but in case that, I would certainly ask for an [outside] professional custodian - there's too much, I couldn't do really as a son, but what should be done thinking about it professionally (, which is my greatest difficulty, since do know that as well, very well).

Walter--

Once again, American thinking didn't translate well.

By "lifesaving for your both" I meant that Phoenix is being driven to drink and distraction by an aging mother who is content with the status quo and doesn't want any part of an assisted living situation--whether she is safe on her own or not.

For mama this is dangerous; for Phoenix, crazymaking.

A Power of Attorney could solve both problems.

Agreed - I misread that, indeed.

Walter--

You read better English than I read German. I hope you had a good vacation/holiday/escape and are rested and up to fighting the good fight.

Oy. This is unfortunate, as this is exactly what I was about to suggest. Still, it may have been a function of the circumstances of the time, particularly that you wouldn't be around and would be away. So if you try something similar this year, but you are around, there won't be quite so much breaking of the routine. Certainly, your mother has to try things out before condemning them.

I'm sure that most if not all of the assisted living facilities in your area have some sort of program or advice regarding this form of transition. I've no doubt that you are not the only mother-daughter combo to have had to handle this. So check around, and find out what these facilities will do vis a vis the transition. Some may be better than others. You may need to shop around quite a bit before your mother is secure. But I think you need to make your mother aware that not doing this is not an option. I know that sounds harsh, but last year your mother picked up all the cards and held them by refusing to go. This year, since you will be around, you won't be under time pressure to get her into a particular situation. So you can work together a bit - and if your mother is being reasonable about her objections (the place is too far from her favorite grocery store, she doesn't like the activities, the director seems unfriendly), then fine, find another place and, like I said, do some shopping. But if your mother is unreasonable regarding her objections (look at all the old people!), you might want to remind her that she's over 90 and therefore this is her peer group.

My great-aunt was about your mother's age when she moved into assisted living. She had been living in Florida but none of us live there so my folks moved her to Long Island. Aunt Ray had no children and had been widowed for decades. She was in full possession of her faculties until about two or three months before her death, which happened some five years after coming up to NY. A routine was established. My Dad saw her almost every day. When he didn't come over, my mother did. When my brother or I were in the area, we came over when we could. My uncle and cousins came over on occasion. I wrote to her about once per month, so did my cousin M___. We tried to keep her as a part of what was going on. She was invited over to visit with my folks a few times per year. She was not just left there and she was certainly not forgotten.

It wasn't easy to move her there, as it was, of course, the last stop before the end. But leaving her in her apartment was not an option. We feared that she would break a hip. Although she was aware of things, we were concerned that her continuing loss of sight and hearing would imperil her. And, of course, by not seeing her every day (while she still lived in FL), we could not be 100% certain of whether she really was in possession of her faculties. So moving her to the LI home was the best thing for her.

The home had religious facilities which was a very important thing for her. They also brought in therapy cats and dogs every week which was another thing which she grew to love. She made friends and had a social life, whereas in FL she was too dependent upon her friends so the dynamic had been off.

She passed away a few years ago, a few months after she turned 100.

Yes, I have all of the legal stuff for her...........power of attorney, living will, health care proxy. If push comes to shove, she would have to do what I wanted. My problem is, I am still not sure what is best for her, and for me, and I don't want to make an irrevocable mistake.

Phoenix--

Remember, just because you have done miracle and still can do miracles does not mean that you are required to produce daily miracles on demand--without thanks.

Being on call 24/7 is eroding whatever positive feeling you can summon for your mother.

Playing God/Goddess with someone else's life is awesome and frightening--but you are all that your mother has to protect her from her own failing judgement.

You are emotionally exhausted--this does not mean that you don't deserve a rest. It means that you are exhausted and you need to lift some of the burden so that you can continue to cope.

You are not an unnatural daughter--you are a human daughter with a mother too old to realize that she has become insufferably self-centered.

Hold your dominion.

phoenix, for what it's worth, I am dealing with pretty much the same issue with both parents and to complicate things I have zero legal stuff (power of atty, etc) my only living brother is dying in a hospice 1,000 miles away, mother is diagnosed 3 yrs now with alzheimers and dad with senile dementia. While mother acknowledges reduced capacity father does not (no problem here, he says) they live alone and all their friends/companions are dead leaving them with almost zero social support. As far as I see it until Dad recognizes reality (possibly never) there is little I can do other than court for ruling of incompetence) at this point I feel that no matter what it do it will be wrong. I have a headache!

My sympathy, dys.

Noddy- Thanks......I needed that!

Dys- Oy! I can really feel for you. Hey, as long as they are functioning, and are not a danger, there probably is not much that you can do. Do you folks live near you?

I remember an old friend telling me a story. She lived up north, and her mother lived down south. She could not be with her mother much because not only was she working (she was widowed), but she had to deal with a mentally ill adult son. Her mother was becoming demented, not caring for herself, etc. She got the local Department of Social Services to step in. She was in close contact with the agency, who made many of the arrangements for her.