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Elderly Spouse So Unhappy in Our City, Demanding to Move Yet Seems Confused

 
 
Reply Thu 25 Jun, 2009 01:39 pm
I had no idea such a website as this existed. I have tried and tried to find a place where perhaps someone is in a similar situation and can help me.

I am almost 50 and my husband is 77. He is very unhappy where we live, and wants to move, but we are having trouble in finding a place that is suitable for both of us. He refuses to choose where we will move, yet he has HATED every place I have chosen in the past 14 years. I don't know what to do. He insists on moving, then resents where we move. The ONLY places he likes are NOT good for me. I must WORK. I cannot move to a place that has no jobs for me and I can't move where fluent Spanish is required for my field, and the only 2 places he wants both are dominated by the Hispanic culture. And one of his demands, that I get a high-paying job, so that narrows it down even more.

He despises our city, where I am happy. He complains 24/7 about the traffic, which is almost nonexistent. He "hates" the people and says they are dull. He hates that there is no boating here, yet when I took him on vacation he was unable to get in and out the boat. He also is angry you can't grow things here, yet when we lived in places where it was easy to grow things, he would have NOTHING to do with it and says "gardens are stupid."

I am confused. He says again and again that he is "near the end" and "he will die without getting what he wants in life" and "has only a few months left" and on and on; actually, no one in his family died before age 85 and that's pretty darned good. Everything comes back to "I'll die soon" and he reproaches me for "denying" him the "few things" he needs to be happy, such as the boating area and the Spanish culture.

He has hated every place we have lived. He despises the South, the Northeast, the Midwest, and California. He only wants to live in New Mexico, and for me, when we did (we met there), it was horrible and I never, ever want to live in that state again. I mean, there are 49 OTHER states...where discrimination against "Anglos" won't come into play, where bilingualism isn't required, where there is a bit more ROOM for ALL people.

I can't afford their house prices, anyway, they are NOT coming off those ridiculous prices yet.

He also is on a jag that the problem is that I am not finding proper houses, that a "good wife" could wheel and deal and "talk people down" in their prices, and also, a "smart person" could 'make them waive the bilingual requirement" and so on and so forth.

I just don't know what to do. I feel bullied all the time, and yet the few people I still have as quasi-friends are very down on me, they are his age, and say I am "against" seniors and "selfish" and I get a lot of "your generation doesn't honor elders" and just general accusations of ageism and even racism.

I definitely don't have a husband anymore; it's like he's some older relative that I'm trying to help and getting fought every step of the way.

Well there's tons more about his refusal to care for himself but this is just getting to be a dumb vent. I wish I were smarter and more patient and knew what was the absolute best thing to do to get him happier and find a good place to move he would like and me too.
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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 4,590 • Replies: 20
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chai2
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jun, 2009 01:55 pm
wow

there's so much more going on here than deciding where to live.

of course he makes you choose where to live, at the same time placing so many limitations. that way, it's all your fault when it doesn't work out.

personally, I would be at the point where I'd realize he wasn't going to be happy anywhere, so he might as well be unhappy right where he is now.

he's angry you're "denying him", yet doesn't see how much he is denying you.

he says a good wife would do this and such. I'd say to him "well, I guess I'm not a good wife. now that we've agreed on that, what else?"

It doesn't sound like you have a husband, but a royal pain in the ass.
NickFun
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jun, 2009 01:57 pm
Hey Yeller, he sounds like a curmudgeonly bastard and nothing on Earth is going to make him happy. No matter where you go he wants something else. There is n0thing you can do to change him so do whatever it is that makes YOU happy.
roger
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jun, 2009 02:04 pm
@chai2,
chai2 wrote:

personally, I would be at the point where I'd realize he wasn't going to be happy anywhere, so he might as well be unhappy right where he is now.


Exactly.

Off topic in a way, but I deal with a seamstress who hasn't raised her prices in the 12 years I've dealt with her. I tell her to raise the prices; she tells me people complain about paying $6.00 to hem a pair of pants. Finally, I had to tell her they would be just as happy to complain about $9.00, which is what I was paying a dry cleaning store over a decade. If there has to be a moral, it's that some people won't be happy whatever you do, so you might as well suit yourself.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jun, 2009 03:00 pm
@NickFun,
NickFun wrote:

Hey Yeller, he sounds like a curmudgeonly bastard and nothing on Earth is going to make him happy. No matter where you go he wants something else. There is n0thing you can do to change him so do whatever it is that makes YOU happy.



I'd tell him to crap in a hat, then put him on ignore.
YellerRose
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jun, 2009 03:33 pm
Gosh, the answers, though I appreciate them, they seem rather mean-natured. This is an ELDERLY person I am talking about, who I think is confused, and age has taken a toll on him, but I don't think he ought to just be ignored and his wants not count for anything!!!

He put in years of work, he did right things, I think he should be able to make some demands, my problem is how to fulfill these wants and needs of his, I guess I was hoping for someone to have been in a similar situation and have resolved it to the person's satisfaction and happiness.

I mean, the elderly ARE right, if we are talking about odds, at 77 he IS near the end of "useful" life, isn't he? A life where he is cognizant and can ENJOY things. I am more thinking that I ought to be a bit more clever at thinking up how to meet the demands, not that the demands ought to be ignored.

I bet you guys aren't taking care of elders, are you? Because if it's someone you have love for and remember when they weren't changed by age, you want them to be happy! You don't want to treat them mean even if they are changed and treat you kind of mean.

Thank you for your replies, though.
Robert Gentel
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jun, 2009 04:06 pm
@chai2,
chai2 wrote:
personally, I would be at the point where I'd realize he wasn't going to be happy anywhere, so he might as well be unhappy right where he is now.


She did say that he was happy where they met and wants to go back but that she's not willing to live in "Hispanic" New Mexico. Sounds like there might be a simple conflict of interest: he likes New Mexico and she doesn't like Mexicans.
roger
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jun, 2009 04:16 pm
@YellerRose,
Well, you did make it sound like he wasn't going to be happy anywhere, you know. Like, he wants to be where there is boating, and he couldn't get into the boat when it was available. Actually, New Mexico is not the first state that leaps to mind when I think of boating, though there are a few artificial lakes in the state. It is quite possible to get along in the state without being bi-lingual, though.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jun, 2009 04:18 pm
@Robert Gentel,
I'm a moderately happy anglo in new mexico, any unhappiness not due to the people around me, who I find friendly to me. I don't know if I buy that all have to speak spanish in certain jobs, but in some I suppose it could be true. I doubt it's any kind of job constant, but could be a factor. It's clear that rose is angry about it.

The history of a lot of moving, and the dynamics of the relationship make me see yeller rose's side of it too. I don't know enough to comment very helpfully - the fellow is in a kind of panic about aging (reasonable people can undergo this), and rose is tired of getting up and going.


ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jun, 2009 04:42 pm
@ossobuco,
A thread that may interest you, yellow rose, though not specific to your exact experience -
http://able2know.org/topic/1948-1
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jun, 2009 04:45 pm
@YellerRose,
YellerRose wrote:

I bet you guys aren't taking care of elders, are you? Because if it's someone you have love for and remember when they weren't changed by age, you want them to be happy! You don't want to treat them mean even if they are changed and treat you kind of mean.

Thank you for your replies, though.


You would lose that bet.
My husband has changed dramatically health wise in the time I've been with them.

I don't treat him mean, but, he doesn't treat me mean either.

You would also realize if you looked around that many of us deal with loved ones that have challenges.



0 Replies
 
YellerRose
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jun, 2009 05:45 pm
What a hostile forum!

Keep on slamming, I won't return to see it.

Someone states I "don't like Mexicans" when it's that I like my own culture and don't care for a place where I was routinely called "guerra" and "Anglo" instead of my name.

I work as a 911 operator and absolutely positively you need to speak Spanish and speak it WELL for that job in New Mexico, and if you state that you can work in NM as a 911 dispatcher w/o it you're full of bull.

As to the remark about "look around," I did look around and I saw some decent answers before and not just a bunch of kibbitzers who aren't even in the situation yakking about it.

Gosh I'd rather listen to the old folks gripe than the know-nothings spew.



ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jun, 2009 05:49 pm
@YellerRose,
Have a swell time in North Dakota.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jun, 2009 05:55 pm
@YellerRose,
YellerRose wrote:

I work as a 911 operator and absolutely positively you need to speak Spanish and speak it WELL for that job in New Mexico, and if you state that you can work in NM as a 911 dispatcher w/o it you're full of bull.


How would we guess this is your field of work?

Also, if you rage this easily, maybe that's not the right job for you. I get rage, I'm not immune, but you seem a tad testy for that job.
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jun, 2009 07:39 pm
@ossobuco,
Sure. If you're going to be a social worker for the state, you will probably have to be English/Spanish bi-lingual. If you are going to work for an agency of the Navajo tribe, English/Navajo is essential.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Thu 25 Jun, 2009 07:55 pm
@roger,
I've been here a while now. My neighbors have been friendly. I really treasure my two immediate neighbors, and the pleasant cad a door or two down away and the sheriff I'd probably spat with if we ever met at a party.. I know a little spanish, nothing to brag about, but I'm working on it.

0 Replies
 
sullyfish6
 
  1  
Reply Sat 8 Aug, 2009 06:06 am
Your Husband seems depressed. One of the indicators of depression is nastiness and impatience with the world. When is the last time your husband had a good physical? Be sure to tell the Dr. about what you are going thru.

You also are victim of generation gaps. You say his friends consider you disrepsectful. A person "almost 50" does not have much in common with 70 year olds.

You need to find a comfortable life for yourself and invite him to live with you. Otherwise, let him go and he can set up his choice of living wherever he wants, and make visits to him. You two make get along better together having a long distance marriage.
0 Replies
 
Phoenix32890
 
  1  
Reply Sat 8 Aug, 2009 06:09 am
@YellerRose,
Quote:
He refuses to choose where we will move, yet he has HATED every place I have chosen in the past 14 years.


Yeller Rose- Welcome to A2K!

How often have you moved in the last fourteen years? From what you have written, I have inferred that it must have been many times.

There is a definite problem here:

You and your husband are at different stages of life. That is a reality, with all its problems that you need to live with.

He expects you to hold down a well paying job.

He dislikes every place that you choose to move.

I think that you need to come to an understanding, that if you are to work, it has to be in a place where you are able to get a suitable job.

Another thought. Is it possible that your husband is beginning to develop a touch of dementia? It sounds like no matter what you do, he is always angry. His predisposition to always move is another clue. We had that with my MIL. The last three years of her life, she moved six times. Everytime that someone said something to her that she didn't like, she would move. There was definite paranoid thinking that controlled her actions.

It looks like you have a rough patch ahead of you. IMO, the first thing that you might want to do is to get your husband a good medical checkup. If the doctor says that he is o.k., it is important that YOU set the ground rules, as to where you will be living. It is grossly unfair that you husband boxes you into a corner, and then demands that you get work.
0 Replies
 
dadpad
 
  1  
Reply Sat 8 Aug, 2009 08:10 am
long gone now phoenix
0 Replies
 
ginger007
 
  1  
Reply Thu 10 Oct, 2013 12:55 pm
@chai2,
You got that right! Off topic too, but...
My neighbors were slowly taking over my property. I told them I was putting up a privacy fence but it had nothing to do with them. It was the only area that afforded me shade and I am allergic to sun. They wanted nothing to do with it for obvious reasons.
Well I gave them the not so attractive side, and they are pissed.
Point being they wouldn't have been happy either way!
So screw them!
0 Replies
 
 

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