Mom has dementia and dad is struggling...

My parents have had a long, happy marriage of 50+ years. But a few years ago, my dad noticed my mom was acting strange, and learned she has something called Frontotemporal Dementia. It presents kind of like Alzheimer's. She's now lost the ability to speak and walk, and there's no way to tell how much she understands or if she recognizes us.

My dad, who's almost 80 years old, tried to take care of her at home with a part-time caretaker. But my mom is very heavy and just the physical element of moving her around the house became impossible -- more than once, neighbors had to come help pick them up off the floor. We urged him to seek an assisted living facility for her, near home, so he could visit every day but leave the difficult tasks to caregivers.

He did just that, and she's been there a year now. The care facility is OK -- not negligent or anything like that -- but understaffed, and some people there are good while others are marginally competent. I understand this is very common in assisted living homes in big cities now because of the large elderly population and the low pay offered to caretakers.

Anyway, my father doesn't think they're up to the job -- and indeed they have trouble with her bedtime, etc., just physically moving her around -- but he also doesn't trust them with anything. Feeding her, exercising her, anything. He spends hours each day there and basically functions as a caretaker there.

He's having trouble -- he gets very little sleep, doesn't keep up with stuff at home -- papers and junk piling up, although at least he's paying his bills -- and worst of all, he's emotionally fraught. He gets angry at my mom for not listening to him, or for not being able to stop sucking on her fingers, and things like that. He keeps saying he thinks she's doing it out of spite, or that she doesn't respond to him because she's depressed. He sometimes yells at her or yanks her hand from her mouth a little too roughly, or yells at the people who work at the facility if he feels they're not doing their jobs well.

I've told him he should go to a support group for people who are caretakers of family members, and he says he tried it before when his mother had Alzheimers back in the 90s, and it didn't help him. I can't get him to do any self-care. My parents' friends and even relatives have mostly abandoned him.

My brother and I live in the same region, but as we're bringing up kids of our own and work full-time, we aren't able to be there enough to really make a day-to-day difference for our dad. We visit frequently, we invite him to outside events to help him get away when he can, but it's just not enough.

As he ages, my dad is getting more exhausted and physically frail, and I noticed he's getting a bit forgetful as well. Just normal aging.

Sorry this was so long. I guess what I'm asking is, for someone who resists self-care options such as support groups, and who takes on huge burdens because he doesn't trust caregivers with his loved one -- am I missing any forms of support I can try to find for him? I'm thinking this is an impossible question but I needed to put it out there. Thanks.