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HOW DO I GET MY CONFIDENCE BACK AND GET PAST INSECURITY ISSUES AFTER MY GIRLFRIEND CHEATED ON ME?

 
 
Reply Fri 5 Sep, 2014 10:09 am










I apologise in advance for the length of this letter but I thought I best give as much detail as possible so that anyone who reads this, and possibly even relates to it and has had a similar experience to this can give me any advice. I give details of how it was with my girlfriend in the beginning and how it is now, and how I used to be and how I am now. Thanks to anyone who takes their time to read this and any constructive advice is welcome.

My girlfriend and I have been together since May 2013. For a couple of months before we got together it was clear to both ourselves, and to others, that we fancied eachother alot! She worked in a pub that I drink in and we would exchange glances and flirt with eachother but neither of us would make the first move.

After a couple of months I passed her my number and we started texting a little bit, an then we decided to just have a bit of fun over the summer.

We didn't really know eachother that well but we really fancied eachother. She thought I was a bit of a loud, cocky knob head and I thought she was quite quiet but there was a real attraction between us and alot of chemistry.

Neither of us wanted, or expected, anything serious because she was moving 80 miles away to uni in September and I have a young child from a previous one night stand, so a bit of no strings attached fun over the summer seemed really ideal to the both of us.

But on our first date we really hit it off! We got on brilliantly! Even though we already knew eachother a little bit, I think we were both still surprised at how well we actually got on. We started seeing eachother more and more and we fell for eachother very quickly.

For a while we had a lot of fun winding eachother up, with me saying to her "you've definitely fell for me" and she would be claiming it's me who's fell for her, but neither of us would admit it but really we had both fell for eachother.

By the end of August we were pretty much spending all of our time together and we had both admitted to eachother that we were head over heels in love with eachother.

By mid September when it was time for her to move away to uni we hadn't really discussed staying in a relationship because I thought it would be unfair to her for me to suggest that. Previously she had been really excited about moving away and having her freedom, and I also work full time and see my child regularly so balancing that out with a long distance relationship didn't seem very realistic. And as it was only ment to have been a bit of fun at the start it didn't seem fair to suggest that we stay together.

On the morning she was due to leave we were both gutted and were quite emotional because what we had had come to an end. Neither of us had ever been in love before and it hit us both hard.

From the moment she got there she was very down. She was homesick and she missed me a lot and I missed her loads too. I felt really bad for her because previously she had been looking forward to this so much! She was very emotional in the first few days and she is not the emotional type atall. She said she didn't want anybody else and I didn't want anybody else either so we decided to give a long distance relationship a go.

Between September and December we didn't go more than 2 weeks without seeing eachother, and quite often it would be more regularly than that. I'm quite lucky with my shift patterns in work so balancing out work, fatherhood and visiting my girlfriend regularly wasn't as big an issue as I thought it might be.

In between seeing eachother we spoke regularly on skype, which helped a lot because we missed eachother loads. When I did visit her I used to get really excited about seeing her, but after being with eachother for a couple of nights she found it really difficult when I had to leave because she missed me so much. She hadn't really settled there that well because she didn't really like her flatmates that much and she missed me, and she also missed home because she's very close to her family, so I always felt bad for her when I had to leave. She had made a few mates from her uni course and a few mates from a society she had joined, and she was doing well with her studies because she's very intelligent, but overall she hated being there.

As students do, she went out quite a lot and I knew she would get loads of attention off lads because she is absolutely gorgeous, but it didn't bother me because I competely trusted her. I would go to bed and I would wake up to loads of loved up drunken texts from her and although I didn't ask or expect her to send them, it was still nice waking up to them even though some people might find that cringey haha.

But in early December she had started being a bit moody, snappy and short tempered with me. It wasn't like her because she's a dead laid back girl. I knew she wasn't happy there and I knew she had a few assignments, essays and presentations due in before she broke up for Christmas so I just put it down to stress and I tried to be as supportive as possible. But she was definitely being off with me!

I was ment to go and visit her from Tuesday until the Thursday, but on the weekend before she had seen that the society she was in had organised a girls night out on the Wednesday that I was ment to be there visiting her but she wanted to go on their night out. This society organised nights out regularly and she never missed any of them. I knew how important it was for her to have mates there and I understand that, but I thought it was a bit lousy of her to want to just leave me in her flat, with her flatmates that she didn't even like, while she went on a night out, especially considering I was traveling a long way just to see her.

We had always planned a good few weeks in advance of when I was visiting her because I needed to sort shift swaps out so I could balance out getting the time off to go and see her and also being able to see my child, and it worked well because we managed to see eachother regularly considering the distance between us, so I was a bit annoyed when she thought it would be ok to just leave me in the flat when I'm travelling a long way to see her. I didn't say nothing though, I just said I think it's probably best if I don't come on that occasion because I was due to visit her again the following week, so I told her to just go out with her mates. I just thought it was really thoughtless of her but I didn't want it to turn into an argument.

As it turned out she didn't go on that girls night out with the society anyway. She had a lot of uni work due in so she got stuck into that so it seemed like a good idea that I didn't go to visit her because I would have just been a distraction from her doing her work. She worked for about 15 hours a day on the Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and got quite a bit done.

On the Thursday though her flatmate had asked my girlfriend to go to some club with her because her flatmate fancied some lad and heard he was going to be at this club so she wanted my girlfriend to go with her just so she didn't have to walk into this club on her own. My girlfriend really needed a blow out because she had been working so hard so she agreed.

My girlfriend had been on loads of nights out with her desperate mate under similar circumstances, but I was never worried because I trusted my girlfriend. But on this night I just had a really bad feeling about it! I think because of the way she had been acting very different with me at around that time, and almost like she didn't care, I just got this bad vibe about this night.

I had always been quite a self assured lad but on this night I felt feelings that I had never ever experienced before! I was on a late shift that finished at midnight on this night so I was going to be staying up relatively late anyway, but all night I just had this sickening feeling that my girlfriend was going to meet some other lad in this club on this night and my senses were going into overdrive. She was acting different and my gut instinct was telling me she was with another lad!

I had never felt anything like these feelings ever in my life before and it was horrible! I felt helpfless and vulnerable but also irrational and stupid, because I didn't even have any proof that she was getting with some lad! But I felt pig sick and I couldn't sleep! I felt horrible and desperate! I really wanted to just text her to tell her I love her, but I felt pathetic because the real reason I would have been texting her was to remind her that I exist and, in a sense, guilt trip her into not getting with some other lad. But I couldn't bring myself to text her because I was just panicking and I felt really daft! It was a horrible feeling that night! The stress was sickening!

She text me at about 5am and I was still awake because I just couldn't sleep because my mind racing was driving me mad. I text back being friendly and she was surprised I was still awake, so I just said I had just woke up when I heard my text message. I didn't want her to know right then what my mind was really thinking.

The next day we spoke on Skype and I was trying to read her body language when I asked her how her night was. She just acted completely normal and said she had a good night. We got speaking about something else and, true to recent form, she got all snappy and moody with me and cut the conversation short.

Her strange behaviour towards me had been going on for a couple of weeks by this point, and coupled with how I had felt when she had gone on this night out, I felt really uneasy about everything and I sent a big text to her to ask her if we were ok, or if she had anything to tell me? If she was fed up with us or wanted to end things then I just wanted to know because the way she had been with me I had started to feel very uneasy and very vulnerable. I had never had these feelings ever before and I was very uncomfortable with it. I had never been in love before and my attitude towards girls in the past had been 'easy come, easy go' because I had never had anything serious before. But I really loved my girlfriend and all of a sudden I was wasn't feeling the self confident, self assured lad I had always been. I felt very vulnerable!

She just said she was lonely and homesick and stressed with uni work and was sorry she had been moody an snappy with me. I could understand that but I still didn't feel right about that night out with her flatmate she had just been on. She had been on loads of nights out previously and I was never worried. But this night out I just had this horrible feeling about it so I needed to find out!

I went to visit my girlfriend a few days later and we was getting on well, but in the back of my mind I was still thinking about that night. We were getting ready to go on a night out and she got in the shower. I had never ever previously had any temptation to check her phone, but I needed to find out. I know it's wrong to have looked, and I'm not proud of it, but the way I was feeling I just needed to put my mind at rest.

I went into her messages and seen the name of some lad followed by the name of this club she had been to that night. So obviously she had met this lad there. They only sent eachother one text each on that night but there wasn't anything said that was too incriminating.

I then looked at the messages exchanged between my girlfriend and her flatmate going back to that date. My girlfriend had met this lad while her mate was getting with this other lad she had gone to meet in this club that night. My girlfriend text her flatmate "I really fancy him". Her mate text back "Shall we invite these lads back to our flat tonight". My girlfriend ruled that out from happening. However, the next morning she text her mate to ask her not to tell any of their other flatmates she had kissed this lad.

When I read it I wasn't mad, angry or even shocked! I just sat back on the bed and relaxed. When she got out the shower I was completely normal with her and I just got in the shower myself.

When I got out the shower she knew I had been looking through her phone and she asked me casually if I had looked through it. I said yes and then explained why I had been through her phone. I then asked her if she had ever cheated on me and she replied "No". I then asked "Then if you have never cheated on me, why have you asked your mate not tell anyone you kissed another lad". She didn't know what to say and tried to reach out to me and I just stepped away from her and sat down.

It was a really weird moment because I had no feelings of hurt or anger or anything, I was just numb. She never knew what to say, she was just silent and I could see she was panicking.

I thought it's best if I just go home there and then. She asked me to stay but I wanted answers! I wanted to know exactly what happened and how it happened.

She told me she had been feeling really down and lonely, and on this night out her mate had met this lad. She said she was just stood there on her own and this other lad started talking to her. She kept telling him all night that she had a boyfriend and nothing happened until the end. The two lads had walked my girlfriend and her mate back to their flat and they had a very brief kiss outside. She said it ment nothing!

I know it was only a kiss but to me it was more than that! It certainly wasn't "nothing" to me! I took it very personally! It's the fact that she knew he was interested in her because he kept trying it on with her coupled with the fact she knew she was very tempted because she fancied him, yet she still spent the whole of the night out with him, dancing and flirting with him, going for something to eat together, being walked home by him and then kissing him that really battered my head! She could have easily taken herself out of that situation if she really wanted to because it was over a period of a good few hours. The fact she kept telling him she had a boyfriend ment that I was still on her mind, yet she had that little respect or regard for how I would feel when she eventually kissed him. That's what hurt the most! Yeah it might only be a kiss, but its the complete disregard for me that really done the damage! I was just nothing to her, and my feelings for her didn't matter, just because she fancied this lad.

I was still relatively calm that night and I could tell she regretted it. We ended up going out and actually had a good night. But it was only when we got back to her flat it really started to hit me.

We had a drunken exchange of words and we went to bed. Except I didn't go asleep because all I could think of was what had happened. At 6am while she was still asleep I packed my bags and went the train station to get the first train home.

By the time she had woken up I was just about to walk into a pub by mine and go on an all day bender getting drunk. I know that sounds daft but I didn't want to just go home because I knew my Mum would be in and I didn't want her asking me why I am home instead of spending all weekend at my girlfriends. I didn't want to have to explain because I felt stupid and foolish.

My girlfriend then phoned me and was asking why I had left, and she thought everything was fine after talking through everything the night before and then going on a night out together. But I told her I wasn't fine and my head was battered. She got very emotional and was crying a lot and she hated the fact I had left while she was asleep and without talking things through with her, and it broke my heart hearing her cry because she's not a cryer. I felt bad and said I would go back straight away so I travelled the 80 miles back to hers on the train literally an hour after getting back to my home town.

I got back to hers about 3pm and we just sat there in this awkward, tense, silence while I just processed my thoughts. I hadn't had any sleep, I was shattered and my head was burned out.

Eventually I just told her exactly what I felt and how hurt and humiliated I was feeling. It was coming up to Christmas and I had spent a fortune on her getting her loads of different things I knew she liked and had spent a fair amount on some diamond ear rings for her, and I just felt so stupid. I had always bigged her up to everyone I knew! Even when I was buying her the ear rings as a surprise, I was speaking dead proudly of my girlfriend to the female assistant, asking which ear rings would be perfect for her. I felt so stupid and foolish and humiliated! I was really looking forward to our first Christmas together being special and this had happened.

I told her I reckon she's best being off single and enjoying her freedom and student life style. I told her she was weak for caving in to that lad and how I felt she had taken me for granted. She just sat there in silence not knowing what to say.

I decided to leave again and told her to go and be single but she begged for me to stay. She was desperate and I could see she was devastated. The truth is I didn't want to end it either over a kiss! So I stayed the night. I knew how much she loved me and I loved her to bits too! I knew she had all this work she needed to do and get in before the deadline so I didn't want to play games and mess her head up when she had all this work due in so I said we would work things out.

We then had a nice night in and I could see how sorry she was and how much she regretted it. We just lay together and we were exchanging funny stories and laughing our heads off together like we had always done previously.

But the next morning I woke up and it was the first thing on my mind again. I had to go home that morning because I had work in the evening and again she was gutted I had to go, but this time it was different because of what had happened. I wasn't that gutted to leave, I actually looked forward to leaving her this time because I needed time and space to think.

Over the next few days I was dead depressed! I felt all our nice memories and good times together had just been ruined and became meaningless. I couldn't stop thinking about it and I really wasn't looking forward to her coming home for Christmas. I didn't want to see her, but at the same time I knew I had to if we were to make things better. I didn't enjoy Christmas atall and just fell like a fraud smiling to everyone because everyone who knows us thinks we are made for eachother.

I didn't want to be one of those people who throw their partners mistake back in there face all the time, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was on my mind all the time. Most of the time I did love spending time with my girlfriend but at other times it was just eating me up inside when I was with her.

On New Year's Eve we had a big heated argument and I had decided I had enough! I hated feeling the way I did and I couldn't see it getting back to the way it was before all this. We had got on so well and bounced off eachother so much, I just couldn't see it being that way again. I didn't think I could ever trust her again. I knew that in the summer she was going to be travelling around Europe for 3 weeks with her two best mates and in my mind all I could think is that she would go behind my back again and I couldn't bare the thought of it happening again.

On New Year's Day she came round to mine and again I told her how I felt and wanted to end it, and again she was begging and crying, asking me to give us a chance to get past this. As I have said already, she is not a cryer and seeing her so upset breaks my heart because I do love her so much. If she wasn't serious, she wouldn't have done it. She's absolutely gorgeous and would never go short of offers off other lads if she wanted to be single. I do love her but my head was messed up and I still wasn't 100% sure what I wanted because I loved her so much.

Again, I decided to try an work things through with her. She then decided she was quitting uni. I know she was homesick and wasn't happy there but I also know a big part of her reason for leaving was because she knew I wouldn't be able to trust her again and that we would inevitably break up. I didn't want or ask her to quit uni. I would never do that because it's a big part of her life! I felt really bad about that! We hadn't even talked about how we would get on once she went back to uni but, if I'm honest, privatey I had thought I would end it once she had gone back because I couldn't see myself going to visit her any more while feeling suspicious of what she was upto while she was there. I had always said I could only do a long distance relationship with her if I trusted her and now the trust was gone!

About a week into January my Mum took really ill and was taken to hospital in an ambulance. We found out that she was going to die within a matter of weeks. My head was already battered with what had happened with my girlfriend and now I was having to deal with this too. Obviously I was very down and I started to drink a fair bit.

My Mum passed away near the end of March and between January and the time my Mum died my girlfriend was brilliant! I was being horrible to her aswell. Don't get me wrong, we still got on ok and would have a laugh together, but every couple of days I would start an argument because I just wanted to throw it back in her face all the time. I wasn't meaning to, i just couldn't help it! I hated being like that but couldn't help it!

My head was battered trying to deal with my emotions and I would take everything out on her. I was still feeling really hurt by her and I hadn't forgiven her for it, despite her being so supportive over my mother, and despite the fact she was doing everything she could to fix things. A big part of me, in a way, was sort of trying to drive her away because I didn't want to risk getting hurt by her again. All I could think of was her going away with her mates around Europe this summer and I didn't want to be a fool and be cheated on again. So in a way I was trying to drive her away. Deep down I didn't want to lose her but I also didn't want to risk getting hurt in that way again by her.

Around April this year, things had come to a head between us. She thought I would never trust her again I knew I had to make a better effort of not throwing it back in her face all the time. I knew I had to get my head sorted because it had been a rough few months with everything that had gone on so we had a little break from eachother.

After only a few days we really missed eachother and decided to move past all this properly together. Despite this big rocky patch we still spent every night together in the same bed, whether it be in my house or her house. We had only been together for 11 months at the time and 5 of them had been very rocky, but we still stuck it out and since then things have been a lot better, and in some ways even better than they ever was.

But in July she went on this trip around Europe with her mates and although I know she never got with any lads, my head was still battered the whole time, mainly when I knew she was going on nights out. I kept feeling like I did on the night that she did cheat on me, and although I knew I was being irrational I just couldn't stop my mind from going bizirk and thinking all mad scenario's. I would try and reassure myself she's not upto anything, and I do 100% believe she didn't do anything, but my insecurity would have me thinking "But what if she meets some lad she really fancies" or "What if she does it again because I won't find out".

A couple of times while she was away I ended up texting her pleading to her to tell me the truth if she has done anything because I don't want to see her mates some time and have them knowing a dirty little secret while I'm being all loved up with my girlfriend. I couldn't think of anything more humiliating!

The fact that I had text her pleading for her to tell me feels so degrading and humiliating and needy and I hate being and feeling like that, but I couldn't help it and it makes me physically cringe that I have become like that because I have never been like that because I have always been quite confident. To be fair to her, she was very understanding of it and just really wants my trust back.

Its not just while she was away though either! Even when she goes on night's out with her mates into our local town my mind races! Its ridiculous because it never used to bother me atall. I would never ever stop her or moan about her going out because I will never be one of them knob head boyfriends who has their girlfriend under lock and key but I want to stop feeling like this and be completely back to my normal self.

I even find myself comparing myself to other lads when we are out, wondering how I match up to them or if she fancies them. I never tell her that when we are out because I know how stupid that sounds! In the pub where she works, quite often, lots of military lads come in and I find myself comparing myself to them aswell. My self confidence is completely shot! Mentally I feel really weak and I don't like myself anymore. I don't like the way I match up to others and, in alot of ways, I don't feel good enough for my girlfriend anymore! She's gorgeous, she's intelligent, she's funny and I feel completely out of my depth!

I thought that once this trip was out of the way that everything would be alot better between us but, if anything, the 3 weeks while she was away highlighted how insecure I have become and how little confidence I have got in myself. I found the first week especially hard! I smoked loads of cigarettes, close to 40 or even 50 a day in the first week she had gone, when I had more or less quit smoking before she went away. And I was suffering from bad anxiety because my mind was running away with itself a lot! And in the second week I received messages off some lad saying he got with my girlfriend in a festival she went to in Croatia. She denied it and I do believe her but it certainly didn't help matters!

I know she does love me and regrets what happened, but now I'm so insecure and lacking in confidence in myself and I don't feel like the same lad she fell for in the first place. It really gets me down and I feel like I've lost my spark. I'm no where near as laid back as I used to be and I find myself second guessing what she says or acting like a police officer trying to catch her out on what she says. I get snappy and defensive and I hate being that way.

We still get on really well, but because of this insecurity the odd big argument still does flare up and I hate it! When we are together everything is great, but when I am not with her and I think about what happened from time to time, and how insecure I have become because of it, I sometimes resent her because of it and think how unfair it is that I'm the one who's suffering because of what she did. This lad she got with is like a ghost haunting me, yet he's totally oblivious to how much this night has destroyed my confidence and he's probably just living his day to day life very happily. I don't have a clue who he is or what he looks like, yet I have a mental picture of him an what he might look like to see why my girlfriend fancied him so much and it eats me up! It's destroyed me and deep down I don't feel good enough for her any more because of it! I've developed a major inferiority complex to some lad that I don't even know and I've never even seen! He's just a figment of my imagination and I wish I looked like him!

But I don't want to feel like that, and although everything is a lot better between us these past few months, I still want to get past this final hurdle so I'm not having these horrible thoughts and feelings because they overpower any rationale thinking I have. As I said before, she can't have done anything more to try and make up for it. We really love eachother and we have big plans for the future together! But all I want is to stop feeling so insecure and to get my confidence back and to be able to put this behind me properly! I know its time too and the sooner the better!

I know how damaging it can be to our relationship and I can't stress how much I love her and, in general, I'm very happy with her! I do genuinely believe she wouldn't hurt me again and I do know that these are my own issues I have got to deal with and get past and I really want to because we are good together and very happy alot of the time. Her personality and warm genuine smile absolutely mesmerises me and I dont want my own insecurities to ruin what we have got. All I want is to make her happy and not drive her away, which I know is what will happen eventually if I don't sort out my issues.

I've always been quite a proud lad but now I don't feel like I've got any pride atall. I hate the way I've become so sensitive and a bit of an emotional wreck! I feel ridiculous when I just fill up out of the blue because I've become so sensitive. There's details in this letter about how I feel which I havn't even been able to say to my girlfriend because I feel to stupid to say it to her face and I feel stupid even pouring my heart out on the internet. However, I'm prepared to listen to any suggestions on how to stop feeling so insecure and get my confidence back up.Any advice is welcome. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
 
jespah
 
  6  
Reply Fri 5 Sep, 2014 10:35 am
Dude, you need counseling.

One kiss and you freak out for what is getting to be nearly a ******* YEAR????

You need to find out why you are trashing your relationship over something that, on balance, is incredibly minor. You need to learn why you're using it as an excuse to be mean to her.

Frankly, if she was the one coming here, saying her boyfriend was behaving that way, I'd tell her to leave. This behavior is passive-aggressive at best and, at worst, is a form of psychological abuse.

Get counseling.
contrex
 
  3  
Reply Fri 5 Sep, 2014 11:20 am
@jespah,
jespah wrote:

Dude, you need counseling.

One kiss and you freak out for what is getting to be nearly a ******* YEAR????


Ditto the counselling (UK spelling, he sounds like a Brit). It's all about "him". He wrote 5,834 words about one ******* kiss and how it did his head in on a web forum. (Has he told her about these feelings?) 29,539 keystrokes, according to Microsoft word. I feel so sorry for that girl, who sounds like she is one in a million.
0 Replies
 
Robin Banks
 
  0  
Reply Fri 5 Sep, 2014 11:36 am
@jespah,
I'm not mean to her at all any more!! And for the first 3 months after being cheated on I would say it's pretty normal to feel hurt and mistrust!! If you're happy for your girlfriend to kiss other lads behind your back then great, good luck to you! But as far as I'm concerned if you've got no loyalties or trust then its pretty much game over!! The fact of the matter is, if you read properly, it has dented my confidence and self esteem and I am just looking for advice on how to get that back. I get on great with my girlfriend now, she's very switched on and if she wanted to leave me then there's **** all I can do about it and I wouldn't stop her! Yeah, perhaps I do need counselling and I'll bare that in mind but as for the passive-aggressive abuse then you're just chatting pure ****!! I never ever stop her doing anything she wants to do or even object to it!! She's a grown woman and got a strong mind and wouldn't stand for it if I did
jespah
 
  5  
Reply Fri 5 Sep, 2014 11:49 am
@Robin Banks,
It'll be interesting for me to get a girlfriend kissing other men, seeing as I have a husband.

But hey, I'll respond.

Be upset initially? Sure, I'm with you there. But you are going on about it, on and on and on! It went into Christmas and New Year's and here it is, the following September.

STOP. You're not doing anyone any good with this crap.

And don't turn around and claim that you're letting her do whatever (I suspect you think you are, but instead you sigh and look sad and then she gives in. Again). No, you are not. You are going on and on (and on) about how it bothers you and this and that, even as you've been apologized to, she didn't repeat her behavior, and to all accounts it seems like she is trying.

You're the one who's not moving on. You're the one who's overly affected.

It happened ONCE.

ONE TIME.

This is thoroughly out of proportion.

As for you no longer being mean to her, that's lovely, but you were mean in the first place, yes? You might want to explore why that was your go-to, that your relationship hit a rough patch and your first thought was to lash out repeatedly.

As for your response to me, take it easy.

CALM THE **** DOWN.

You're the one who's going on about lads (plural) kissing my hypothetical girl. Yet that is not what happened with you. You're doing a lot here to try to justify your behavior and I'm just a Boston Terrier in a pink bunny suit (doesn't that tell people I'm female?) on the Internet.

Get thee to counseling. Find out why this is eating you alive, still! Find out why a few words from someone a few thousand miles away is making you melt down. Find out why you are on a defensive hair trigger about this kind of ongoing poor behavior. Even if it has improved - you yourself said there were still issues.

Find out why you still have issues, why this isn't long buried in your mutual past.
contrex
 
  2  
Reply Fri 5 Sep, 2014 11:53 am
@Robin Banks,
Robin Banks wrote:
And for the first 3 months after being cheated on I would say it's pretty normal to feel hurt and mistrust!!


I would hardly call one kiss being cheated on. A question - why did you split up with the mother of your child? Was it because she "cheated" on you by smiling at the milkman, or perhaps she hugged her male cousin a bit too long? Or watched too many George Clooney movies?

Quote:
But as far as I'm concerned if you've got no loyalties or trust then its pretty much game over!!


Quite right. You (and I mean "you") have to have trust. You have to trust her, is what I mean. It works both ways. By trusting her I don't just mean feeling sure that she won't do anything "behind your back", I mean feeling that whatever she does, good or slightly bad or even very bad, you'll always forgive her and in fact you don't even think about it very much because you have confidence in the relationship.

Quote:
The fact of the matter is, if you read properly, it has dented my confidence and self esteem and I am just looking for advice on how to get that back.


You seem pretty confident to me, or do I mean cocky? We both "read properly" what you wrote, although I tell you honestly if I was your girlfriend I'd dump you for your habit of double exclamation marks at the end of excessively long sentences.

Quote:
I get on great with my girlfriend now

So why all this whining? That's passive-aggressive. Sounds to me you want to be the centre of attention. 5,834 words told me that. You need to man up. If you are lacking confidence it's not her fault. There may be something missing or stuck in your personality that counselling could help.
ossobuco
 
  4  
Reply Fri 5 Sep, 2014 12:04 pm
There's also the other matter, that your girlfriend is young. University years are a time to find out a lot about yourself, who you are, what you want in life in work or with people in general, about lust, about love, even love that doesn't work. A lifetime is long and one needs to do a lot of observing, and in my opinion, participating, learning. You've essentially closed that off for her, making her put herself in bubble wrapping. You are quite the controller. You essentially made her leave off her schooling, based on kissing someone.. even though leaving school appeared her decision, you made it happen.

She will need counselling to get over your influence, and find who she is on her own, and I concur that you need some yourself.

Meantime, your writing is quite good, if long winded, and I can see why it was long winded as you are essentially all wound up about this relationship.

When you do go to counselling, you could just copy this text and hand it to the counsellor.
Robin Banks
 
  1  
Reply Fri 5 Sep, 2014 12:58 pm
@jespah,
Haha yeah fair enough, I do agree with you completely and I'm glad you were so forthright with your opinions. Haha I reckon I can put the counselling on hold because I think all I really needed was a good sharp telling off from a stranger as a wake up call. I appreciate your honesty and I think it was good for me to hear a view from a complete stranger. I've never really spoke about this to my mates because I have been too proud and maybe bottling it up has led to me being so wound up and not moving properly. But I have never stopped her doing what she's wanted to do. Yeah I hold my hands up and been excessive with the brooding but I'm glad you give me such a sharp tongue about that because its exactly what I needed to hear really, so thanks Smile
Robin Banks
 
  1  
Reply Fri 5 Sep, 2014 12:59 pm
@contrex,
You're right, she is one in a million, and just as I have said to jespah, thanks for your input. I think I needed a good telling straight to put me on the right track so I appreciate it
0 Replies
 
Robin Banks
 
  1  
Reply Fri 5 Sep, 2014 01:02 pm
@contrex,
As for my relationship with my baby's mother, there was never a relationship. It was a one night stand with a complete stranger and she said she was on the pill. As it turns out she wasn't and she gave me 8 weeks notice I was going to be a dad. I got caught out, and its not the baby's fault so I take full responsibility
0 Replies
 
Robin Banks
 
  1  
Reply Fri 5 Sep, 2014 01:07 pm
@ossobuco,
I didn't make her quit university atall. She also didn't really like her course and felt there was limited job prospects once she graduated. She didn't want to rack up a 40k debt on a course that she felt would not lead to a career she would be interested in. She's currently doing an access course to get into university next year were she will be doing midwifery and I'm fully supportive of her goals because there is no better feeling than a sense of achievement. Thanks for your input aswell, its much appreciated. I needed a wake up call off strangers, so thanks
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Fri 5 Sep, 2014 03:15 pm
@Robin Banks,
No prob. Woof. Smile
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Fri 5 Sep, 2014 04:08 pm
@Robin Banks,
Thanks for clarifying. I'll give you a break on that.

I also sounded scolding about your being all wound up and connected that to controlling. Maybe it is connected to controlling or is not in your case, but it seems like there are elements of it in your description, so consider that, but many if not most of us have been "all wound up" for some lengths of times.



ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Fri 5 Sep, 2014 04:16 pm
On the other hand, I read that she is rather obiesant.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Fri 5 Sep, 2014 04:43 pm
@ossobuco,
Meantime, I don't disagree with myself - I think you are controlling, but maybe that you have the brains to understand all that.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Fri 5 Sep, 2014 04:49 pm
@ossobuco,
Look up solipsism.

We are, but that's a big subject.
0 Replies
 
Robin Banks
 
  1  
Reply Sat 6 Sep, 2014 12:31 am
@ossobuco,
What has give you the impression that she's obedient? We don't give eachother orders. I have not said once that "I allow her to do this" or "I don't allow her to do that". She's a very intelligent girl with loads of personality. There's not a chance on earth that she would put up with that. She's hardly a shrinking violet! Yeah, I hold my hands up and admit I've been well over the top in not really dealing with my feelings well atall and I fully appreciate the feedback I've had on that. Seeing my mother take seriously ill out of the blue around the time it happened and then pass away a couple of months later probably heightened my over sensitive reaction. However, I'm also aware thats not an excuse and its mainly down to flaws in my own character. But as for my girlfriend being obedient, she's always done exactly what she wants to do. She doesn't ask me, she tells me what shes doing.
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  1  
Reply Sat 6 Sep, 2014 12:58 am
@Robin Banks,
I usually like these kinds of threads but a 5835 word opening post is too much for me. Novels typically run less than 100,000 words.
Robin Banks
 
  1  
Reply Sat 6 Sep, 2014 01:22 am
@ossobuco,
I disagree mate. While I do acknowledge I have been over the top in my reaction, and I'm glad that you and the other people posting have pointed that out as clear as you all have, and I have maybe got issues like paranoia that I need to address, I do know that I'm not controlling. My money goes into her bank account every month for our savings. I've just got her insured to drive my car to drive around in until we have enough money to buy her her own car. Since then I havn't had a look in on my own car and had to travel everywhere by foot while she goes half a mile down the road in it just to get her hair and nails done haha. She decides where we go on holiday and I go with the flow. When we go out for something to eat its my girlfriend who always decides where we go. When we order our meals, even if I really have a craving for a certain meal, I won't order it if I know she doesn't like it because I know she likes to pick at my meals. I love salt on some of my foods but because I know she doesn't like salt I don't put it on my food because I know she likes to pick at my food. I never ever tell her what to do! If she wants to do something she'll just do it! I do admit I've been out of order, I havn't contested that to any of you, but am far from controlling in this relationship
Robin Banks
 
  1  
Reply Sat 6 Sep, 2014 01:25 am
@hawkeye10,
Haha I'll keep my response brief then - cheers pal Smile
0 Replies
 
 

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