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How would you get closure on this and how would you interpret everything my mom said

 
 
Reply Sun 29 Jun, 2014 12:42 pm
How would you interpret what my mom (age 88) said to me (age 59), given the fact she always has to be snide with me. Keep in mind this is the same mother who twice (a year ago and a few years ago) said to me that I was overdressed for an interview.

Today I drove her to do some chores and I said to her "Are you really putting down my clothes" and in a sarcastic way she said "Yes I am". Any way I dropped it and when we finished part of the chores she had one more chore to do so as I was driving her to that chore I decided to ask her again about my clothes and she replied “I would never even tell you if I liked something you were wearing because if I didn’t say I liked what you were wearing the next day you would get upset”. So I teased her about that answer

At the next chore after she finished she said to me in the car after I pestered her a little more “There are some days one looks better than others”, which got me upset and I asked her to clarify and she said “The hair can look better some days than others, one has no make up on”. We said a few other things which made her say “I would never tell you when you look great” (THIS WAS THE LINE THAT GOT ME REALLY ANGRY BECAUSE TO ME THIS IS IMPLYING I DON’T LOOK GOOD UNLESS SHE THINKS SO.

We had some fight at home and we are still not speaking. She got really nasty about how I look, telling me all kinds of nasty things. How would you interpret her “look great” remark.
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Type: Question • Score: 16 • Views: 3,256 • Replies: 60

 
View best answer, chosen by lover454
Romeo Fabulini
 
  2  
Reply Sun 29 Jun, 2014 12:49 pm
Mothers can be a pain, mine used to say to me every time I went out as a kid 50 years ago "Comb your hair properly, it's sticking up like a cockatoo!"
Even now I can't help looking at my reflection in shop windows to see if it's still sticking up..
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  4  
Reply Sun 29 Jun, 2014 12:53 pm
@lover454,
I could dash off something quick and say something about toughening up a bit...but that wouldn't be of much use to you. I have no idea, objectively, whether or not you're over-sensitive, but I'll assume that is not the case.

Consider your respective ages, I'd bet these similar dynamics have been going on for decades. I'd let it go but keep this in minds...at age 88 many people lose their ability to be diplomatic or deliver or offer constructive criticism in a manner that is palatable.

My sister at age 78, sadly, developed Alzheimer and, well, you talk about critical comments ... that could be cruel. Perhaps your Mom is developing some cognitive issues? Based on your comments, she seems to have an over-rated opinion of the value of her comments.

Either way, you can tell her that the comments hurt and would appreciate her thinking first and being less critical.

It's not like you asked for her opinion so at age 59, you don't need a job counselor or a fashion critic's services.

Or do you?
0 Replies
 
Romeo Fabulini
 
  -3  
Reply Sun 29 Jun, 2014 01:02 pm
Old women can be really nasty, I worked alongside them in charity shops and some were really evil.
For example a family came in once and the little girl's eyes lit up when she saw a toy and asked her dad to buy it for her. It only cost 20 pence (a few cents) but the dad hadn't got any change so he tendered a £10 note.
"I can't take that!" snapped the old woman on the till, "come back when you've got some change!", and told the girl to put it back on the shelf.
"Oh for heaven's sake!" I said, and gave the dad 20p out of my pocket and he was able to buy it.
"Thanks mate" he said to me as they left the shop, shooting a black look at the old cow on the till..Smile
0 Replies
 
CoastalRat
 
  8  
Reply Sun 29 Jun, 2014 01:13 pm
@lover454,
Quote:
I decided to ask her again about my clothes

Quote:
At the next chore after she finished she said to me in the car after I pestered her a little more
Why do you keep pestering her about it?

And secondly, why in the name of sense does a grown woman get all bent out of shape about what your mother thinks about how you look? Get over it.
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  4  
Reply Sun 29 Jun, 2014 01:20 pm
@lover454,
My guess is that you are spending too much time together because you are not working and getting on each others nerves.

Looking for work at 59?? That is rough.
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Sun 29 Jun, 2014 01:25 pm
@lover454,
Stop asking her these questions. You don't like the answers, so don't elicit them anymore.

Of course she might offer her opinion. Let it roll off your back. And, like Ragman said, it's entirely possible that she's beginning to get cognitive issues.

And recognize that your mother's not going to change now. So you need to change how you interact with and react to her. The only changes that will come out of this relationship will come from you; they will not come from her.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  3  
Reply Sun 29 Jun, 2014 01:45 pm
I agree with all replying here so far. I had to stop myself when I read the thread post since my reaction was too snappish, basically (to put it more nicely than I was about to) that what you wear is none of your mother's business, nor is your hairdo on any given day.

This all sounds like some kind of family warfare of almost sixty years, with you still reacting to a mother wanting control... at your age. She may or may not have cognitive loss going on and probably could use a doctor's check up, but you are feeding this behavior of hers.

I don't often recommend counselling, but you could be helped by some - perhaps a family counselor, perhaps a wise advisor of some sort - to talk with you about how to change - or at least deal with - this pattern, which seems long set.

Whatever you do, don't start making fun of her; that could bring on a lot of psychological destruction. Psychs and emotions are fragile and hers may be on a short tether. You, on the other hand, are behaving like a 22 year old getting motherly scolding.
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  2  
Reply Sun 29 Jun, 2014 02:28 pm
It's kind of like mom giving you two pair of socks for Christmas: one pair green and the other blue. So you put on the green ones, and what does she say? Oh, so you don't like the blue ones. Can't win.

Still, as others have said, quit pestering her with these questions. Just don't ask.
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  2  
Reply Sun 29 Jun, 2014 02:30 pm
@hawkeye10,
Damn, hawkeye! I thought it was a good answer, and it got voted down anyway. As a memento to someone, I'm not even going to try to fix it.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Sun 29 Jun, 2014 07:32 pm
At age 59, I hereby give you permission to say to your mom - at any time, "Let's not talk about that now, dear."

Stop looking for your mama approval - you will never get it from the description you give of her. That's OK, but stop trying to tease a compliment from her. She's old and cranky.

You are an adult. Set your boundaries about what and where you will talk about with her.
0 Replies
 
lover454
 
  1  
Reply Sun 29 Jun, 2014 07:42 pm
@lover454,
I really want my mom out of my life. Today I was so pissed at her I told her off. She said the following to me as we were fighting: "Your clothes are old, disgusting, you used to dress beautifully when you purchased expensive clothes" -then later on she claimed she said these things because I wouldnt let up and she isnt feeling well. We had some fight after and I told her to go to hell, among other things.

I told her she is toxic to me and a thorn in my side.

I really hate her.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 29 Jun, 2014 07:45 pm
@lover454,
You need to try to relax and not get into these discussions with your mother.

Do you have to spend a lot of time in close contact with her? seems like you annoy each other a lot and would both probably benefit from some time away from each other.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sun 29 Jun, 2014 07:45 pm
@lover454,
Well then, divorce her from your life. I'm serious.

You're 59 years old. You hate your mother. Don't you think it's time to take the millstone from around your neck?
0 Replies
 
Pearlylustre
 
  3  
Reply Sun 29 Jun, 2014 08:03 pm
@lover454,
Seriously? Your mother is 88 - she isn't going to change. Why do you care if she doesn't like your clothes anyway? You're 59 and she's your mother - not your lover or your boss. The problem is your insecurity , not your mother. Stop bringing up the subject and 'pestering' her, let the subject drop and get over it.
0 Replies
 
glitterbag
  Selected Answer
 
  2  
Reply Sun 29 Jun, 2014 09:05 pm
@lover454,
I don't think it is easy to let hurtful things roll easily off your back, when they come from your mother. I think when we are very young (10-18) it's normal to be irritated all the time with your mother. But looking back over the years, even when my mother and I were at odds she didn't actively try to hurt my feelings. I think that's what's bothering lover454. Honestly, I have heard older women women badgering their daughters into tears. It's an unhealthy relationship that usually starts when the girls are young with mothers who expect far too much, and provide such little emotional support.

I do think you (lover454) have to come to terms with the fact your mother will not relent. My husbands Aunt died at age 96 and still was able to reduce her daughter to tears. Your mother has trouble showing love, that doesn't mean you are unloveable. I wish I could provide you with the magical spell that will turn your mother into Donna Reed, but there isn't any. But I'm sure your mothers behaviour hasn't gone unnoticed by others, it's small comfort, but try not to boil over at her, she will just dig in and feel justified in her behaviour.
Try to take care of yourself and limit your interactions.

Oh I must make sure you've considered what happened to Ragmans sister. My mother was diagnosed with Altzheimers when she was 58 and it was an agonizing slide for 14 years. The disease robbed her of her personality and she became someone I no longer recognized. It wasn't her, she was a victim of the illness. So if your mother is behaving counter to her normal self, or bad behaviour has escalated recently, make a doctor appointment and explain the situation so depression or thyroid issues can be ruled out.
lover454
 
  1  
Reply Mon 30 Jun, 2014 10:33 am
@glitterbag,
Wonderful answer. I really want her out of my life. She really doesnt give me any emotional support. I dress beautifully and she has to knock it.
lover454
 
  1  
Reply Mon 30 Jun, 2014 10:38 am
@glitterbag,
Wonderful answer.
0 Replies
 
Romeo Fabulini
 
  -1  
Reply Mon 30 Jun, 2014 10:52 am
My dad bullied me all through my childhood, but I decided in my teens that he was a **** dad and that anything he said was pure bull and wasn't important, so I simply stopped talking to him for the rest of his life and everything went smoothly from then on.
Same with my mother, she wasn't as bad as him but still talked krap sometimes, so I didn't talk much to her as I got older.
The moral?- if your parents give you bull, you don't have to take it, just blank them out of your life and I guarantee you'll feel a lot better..Smile
0 Replies
 
OmSigDAVID
 
  -1  
Reply Mon 30 Jun, 2014 10:53 am
@lover454,
lover454 wrote:
We said a few other things which made her say
“I would never tell you when you look great” (THIS WAS THE LINE THAT GOT ME REALLY ANGRY
BECAUSE TO ME THIS IS IMPLYING I DON’T LOOK GOOD UNLESS SHE THINKS SO.)

We had some fight at home and we are still not speaking.
She got really nasty about how I look, telling me all kinds of nasty things.
How would you interpret her “look great” remark.
It means that she is a NASTY PERSON
who does NOT want to see u happy.
0 Replies
 
 

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