How would you get closure on this and how would you interpret everything my mom said

@vikorr,

Quote:

I also acknowledge that as people get older, their primary traits get more extreme: kind people get kinder, cynical people get more cynical, patient people get more patient etc.

In my experience the progression runs one direction....towards more testy. I had a grandpa die at 94 calm, but he was always calm. Everyone else was worse as they got older, with the exception of my dad who died suddenly at 44. I just let it roll of my back, as I always knew they would be dead soon. Honestly, looking back it does not seem that much of a sacrifice.

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@chai2,

Quote:

Maybe she needs to understand she doesn't have to live by anyone elses code of what's correct thinking and behavior.

Maybe, starting with her mother.

I understand your compassion for this person, but I don't understand your solution.

I haven't read every post so maybe I missed what is fueling your anger, but where's the answer? What action should she take to resolve this issue?

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@IRFRANK,

It's not anger Frank. It's straight talk.

Don't project your issues on me. Perhaps if you were saying the words I did, you would be angry. I was not.

As far as understanding anything, perhaps you need to go back and read the entire thread before tossing out your "bad things will happen to you one day" crap.

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@chai2,

Compared to how you normally talk - the 'tone' of your posts comes across as aggressive, and the assumption that it is rooted in anger is an understandable conclusion (which may or may not be right)...but your return post to Frank certainly comes across as being born of anger. I thought it was quite rude.

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I suspect you are dealing with what I go through on occasion, caregiver burnout, and desperately need a break. Those needed breaks are hard to come by when there isn't a supporting family member or friend around to give them.

If I didn't get to get out of the house every day to swim laps, the stress would drive me crazy. Before I started doing that, I was very often in tears from the very hurtful things a person with severe dementia says. I'm slowly figuring out how not to take it personally, avoid burnout, and am growing some callouses on my feelings. Getting those breaks helps a lot more than people realize.

Remember the caregiver mantra, you have to take care of yourself so you can take care of another. You deserve a break. Figure out a way to do it safely for both of you. I also suggest getting involved with a local or online caregiver support group. It also helps.

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@vikorr,

vikorr wrote:

Perhaps the thumbs down you are getting are the result of the tone of your posts that come across as quite aggressive

No, the fact is, one of the thumbs down is from someone who follows me around and thumbs down all my posts. Even the one's that say something as mundane as "That was funny" or "thanks for the link"

You mistaking agression for someone confident enough to say the emperors naked.

Thank you though Dr. Freud, for your analysis of me in your last 2 posts.

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@Butrflynet,

I'm so sorry to hear about BBB, Butterfly.

Hang in there and do take care of yourself. You're doing a wonderful thing taking care of your mom. You deserve a medal or lots of hugs!! Smile

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@chai2,

Quote:

You mistaking agression for someone confident enough to say the emperors naked.

In my opinion this isn’t the case – to me, you display numerous instances of aggression throughout your posts in this thread…when they could easily be phrased other ways, and still be confident ‘straight talk’

Quote:

This is the kind of bullshit threat "you may live to regret this statement" others feel they have the right and authority to throw at others.

'Bullshit' is unnecessary and Aggressive. And the whole sentence can easily be stated assertively numerous other ways. Both 'threat' and 'throw' in relation to others statements, is an aggressive way to describe such things (again, easily described assertively in other ways)

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Next I suppose you'll be tossing out the "Oh, I feel sorry for you" line.

Unnecessary ridiculing. Aggressive.

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I simply don't argee with eating someones ****

Unnecessary, gross analogy. Unnecessarily ridiculing. Aggressive. Easily phrased assertively numerous other ways.

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because they have been given some goddess like status simply by having given birth

Unecessary assumptions & ridiculing…easily stated numerous other assertive ways. Aggressive. Assumptive, and based on only one side of the story.

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Don't project your issues on me.

Negative assumptions formed into an attack. Immediately jumping to the negative conclusion - when a more obvious motive is available. Aggressive.

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read the entire thread before tossing out your "bad things will happen to you one day" crap.

Opinion would have sufficed in place of ‘crap’. Attacking. Aggressive.

Quote:

Thank you though Dr. Freud, for your analysis of me in your last 2 posts.

Ridiculing. Unecessary – easily phrased numerous other assertive ways. Inaccurate - Ignores that I talked about the tone of your posts, and franks reasons, and openly stated I was wondering about your motives, rather than analysed you. Aggressive.

And before you become upset at just one example - a statement such as 'the tone of your posts' - does not mean 'a single sentence in a single post'...but the overall tone given everything that's written in all your posts.

It is of course, only my opinion.

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@vikorr,

I believe you to be mistaken, vikorr. You used to do much better.

Oh, there really are people who routinely thumb down posts by members regardless of content.

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@JTT,

Thanks. I have the easier part. It is a lot harder for the person who is experiencing the loss of large parts of themselves.

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@roger,

Quote:

I believe you to be mistaken, vikorr.

Hi Rodger.

I'm not sure if you disagree that:
-she could have phrased her sentences another way (while still coming across as confident / straight shooting)
- that many of the things she said were unecessary
- that she jumped immediately to a negative conclusion when other conclusions were obvious
- that she ridiculed others
- that she used attacking words (eg 'crap' - ref previous post); or
- that the tone of her posts was aggressive.

As I mentioned - this is purely my opinion - that her posts have an aggressive tone. That opinion hasn't changed, but that is one of the wonderful things about opinions...people can look at the same set of 'facts' and come to different 'conclusions'.

That said, if I found her tone aggressive, and Frank thought her to be angry...then I daresay that many other people reached similar conclusions. And quite frankly, she could easily have worded her posts differently...and achieved the same 'confident, straight shooting' outcome that she sought - without triggering such responses from different members of the forum.

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@vikorr,

I can only say that different members of the forum will not be deciding my opinions.

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@roger,

Err...and so they shouldn't. I don't see what that has to do with either your previous post, or my post (as I implied - you're welcome to disagree)

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@vikorr,

Only because you mentioned Frank and other posters supported your view, as though I should take that as good authority.

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@roger,

That is not correct.

Were I trying to change your opinion:

- I would not ask you to clarify what you disagreed with....I think it's a bit pointless trying to change a persons opinion (were I trying to do so) if you don't know what they disagree with.

- I would not mention that people can look at the same set of 'facts' and arrive at different 'conclusions', and that is the wonderful thing about opinion...if I were trying to change your mind.

- I mentioned that if:
- I found it aggressive
- Frank thought she was angry; then
many other people will arrive at similar conclusions.

Many is not the same as most, and no where near the same as all. Nor is it a recommendation.

It deliberately follows from the previous statement, and together should have read 'It's fine that you disagree...just be aware that plenty of other people will have seen something similar to 'an aggressive tone' in her posts too. At least, that was the intent.

And I still haven't worked out what you disagree with...all I have is a likely guess.

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So what is your point in all this Victor?

That you don't like the way I communicate?

That's your issue, not mine.

In a word......tough.

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@chai2,

I agree with chai, although I got along very well with mu mother, I have seen young and older women who have no business being mothers. I felt badly for the kids, sometimes their mothers would say such cruel things. However, I have also seen children who treat their mothers like dirt, that's not something I would allow when my kids were small, and they know better than to try it now.

Lover apparently has a nightmare for a mother. Her mothers very old and needs help, I'm sure the daughter wants to help but her mother makes it difficult. I don't blame her for blowing off some steam.

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@chai2,

As I recall, I was commented on your statement:

Quote:

I really like it that I've gotten a couple of thumbs down on the above (so far).

Whether or not you found value in my thoughts on the reason for that - that was always for you to sort out

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@roger,

Quote:

Oh, there really are people who routinely thumb down posts by members regardless of content.

I realize you are not directing this at me, necessarily, but I would never do that. I rarely give a thumb to any posts, a few thumbs up.

I think I found myself a convenient target. Perhaps I did not read enough of this thread to post. At any rate, whatever issues are involved here are not with me.

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I can only say that different members of the forum will not be deciding my opinions.

I agree.

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@IRFRANK,

IRFRANK wrote:

Quote:
Oh, there really are people who routinely thumb down posts by members regardless of content.

I realize you are not directing this at me, necessarily, but I would never do that. I rarely give a thumb to any posts, a few thumbs up.

I think I found myself a convenient target. Perhaps I did not read enough of this thread to post. At any rate, whatever issues are involved here are not with me.

Quote:
I can only say that different members of the forum will not be deciding my opinions.

I agree.

Specifically, you were never a candidate for the Anonymous Thumb Award.

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How would you get closure on this and how would you interpret everything my mom said

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