How would you get closure on this and how would you interpret everything my mom said

why are you spending time with her?

is Hawkeye correct?

___

really. You are 59. You should know better than to get caught up in this.

THe OP sounds like they live together, so the question becomes " then why are you living with her?".

I am thinking that daughter is taking care of declining mom, and that neither is too happy about it, but that the other options are worse. I have seen this often, and it usually get worse as time goes on and mom needs more and more help.

It's not clear to me yet if this is relatively new behavior or a pattern for many years, which could make a difference with decision making. Maybe the best thing would be to still take care of the quite elderly mother while not feeding the destructive carping about clothes and hair. There is a lot we don't know in this situation to be saying explicitly to walk away from her life.

If your mother is going to abuse u as u have described,
then Y not remove yourself from her and let her see
how life is WITHOUT U. She may learn to appreciate u better.

My main reaction to this womans plight is what I said before. Divorce her and live your own life.

To those that say things like Don't react, Don't go there, You should know better than this at 59, etc.

Easier said than done when you've got all this socialization that somehow, even though we read and know of mothers who are horror shows, somehow when it's your mother, you've got to remember "It's family"

I don't know if she's living with her mother or not. That's another problem which I can't address.

However, for the love of God, end your relationship with this person who you would never have a conversation with if you met them as a stranger today.

Life's way too short to live by the rules of what you're supposed to do, according to everyone else, when they aren't the ones who have to walk in your shoes.

The only thing I question is the way the OP only address this dressing and appearance issue. She seems really caught up in it.

You mother is over 80 and all you do is complain. Be thankful she is still around. You may live to regret this last statement. You are self centered.

Or she may be relieved when she's gone.

This is the kind of bullshit threat "you may live to regret this statement" others feel they have the right and authority to throw at others.

Next I suppose you'll be tossing out the "Oh, I feel sorry for you" line.

This woman is 59. When does she get to have her own happiness?

I know, right?........parents these days live way too long, they stick around to annoy us almost our whole lives.



If this woman got to be 59 still letting other people steal her joy then she has much bigger problems than her moms snark.

When we were about 15 our schoolteacher said to us "At your ages you're probably beginning to realise that your parents are not the all-knowing gods you thought they were, and that in fact they can be pretty stupid at times", and we all fell about rofling and hooting with laughter saying "yes, yes, ha ha ha" because we knew he was spot on..

I didn't say or imply that at all.

I simply don't argee with eating someones **** because they have been given some goddess like status simply by having given birth, when in reality they are a person who is treating someone badly.

I really like it that I've gotten a couple of thumbs down on the above (so far).

People don't like it when they are called on making threats...."oh no, I wasn't making a threat....I was just, ummm...concerned about you. I was telling you you were self centered because, um....I don't want you to be the way you are. I don't like the way you think. You should put up with all the crap you take because I think you should." Talk about self centered.

It's uncomfortable thinking that a person doesn't have to associate with the parents, if they honestly don't care for them, isn't it?

What kind of person treats another badly, because they know the person is a hostage of everyone saying "but she's your MOTHer!"

Couldn't agree more.

Well, maybe she does have bigger problems. So? That doesn't mean she can't have some joy.

Thanks roger, I appreciate that.

I had an ephiany once, over 6 simple words.

When it was first proposed I get on Zoloft, I had to go through a pychiatrist for the order. Ended up seeing her, I don't know, 3 or 4 times over the course of a year, for followup.

Regarding 2 separate visits....She would always ask me what was going on, and at one visit I told her how my cat Lulu had to be put to sleep. I got really tearful of course. I remember saying how all she did was give love and accept who I was. I said "Lulu never once told me I was wrong, or I shouldn't be doing something different, or I wasn't smart, pretty, good enough etc. We loved each other just the way we were.
I'm sure all you pet owners out there can identify with that. Contrast that that with the people that raised me.

I tell the above as it related to another subsequent visit. I think it was my last one. We talked for awhile, made sure my meds were at the proper dosage etc, and she started wrapping it up. Suddenly I remembered something "Oh my God! I forgot to tell you! My mother died a couple of weeks ago." I felt really strange that I had forgottten about that, and told her that made me feel bad. She asked me why I felt bad. "Well, because....because everyone says you're supposed to feel bad when your mother dies, even if you didn't get along. I don't feel bad at all."

She just said "Yes. Everyone does say that, don't they?"

Chai, I felt nothing but relief when my paternal grandmother died. I was 10, but she made life miserable for everyone. In fact it's been years since then and I have no regrets over not having a loving normal relationship. She was incapable of love, and was only amused when she had everyone in turmoil.

When she comes to understand her happiness is not based upon her mother's comments or anyone else's.

I don't agree with eating someones **** for any reason.

But this person obviously is, and she's getting threats that bad things will happen to her if she doesn't appreciate this bitch. She's being told to just ignore her or told to just get along.

I don't believe someone who is having long time problems and is not happy is going to gain anything by being told she's being self centered, and needs to shape up before she has regrets.

Yeah, and threatening her with livelong regrets will really help her understand that.

Maybe she needs to understand she doesn't have to live by anyone elses code of what's correct thinking and behavior.

Perhaps the thumbs down you are getting are the result of the tone of your posts that come across as quite aggressive....while reading your posts, I eventually found myself wondering if you were going through (or had gone through) something similar, that triggered such a reaction.

Personally...I think family - even poor family, is valuable. I think that we can learn (should we choose) to deal with most anyone in a way that leads to a better deal for both members.

I also acknowledge that as people get older, their primary traits get more extreme: kind people get kinder, cynical people get more cynical, patient people get more patient etc...and this applies to our elderly family members as well.

I think that while we have one aspect of this relationship - her mother may well have a good side (most people do) that we haven't heard about.

I think that in relation to personal happiness...we can always move towards it...and we can always choose to stand up for what we need for happinesss...even despite difficulties.

Just my thoughts.