8
   

What do I do with him now?

 
 
Reply Mon 26 May, 2014 12:17 am
There is this guy, 7 years older than me and a very busy person. When we first started seeing each other a month ago, he came to pick me up every time (he lives far away from my place). He asked to hang out first, and texted randomly sometimes. We usually hung out during weekday after he got off work (rarely during weekend though, and he would call me a few hours before that). Sometimes when I asked why do you look so tired but still want to hang out, he would say because otherwise, he couldn't see me at all this week, or because he'd prefer talking to me rather than sleeping. Then we planned to go on a day trip with him and his friends. But because he looked tired after work, I suggested that he just took some time to sleep in and rest instead of traveling. Andd then, suddenly he stopped contacting me. Like he totally forgot about me. He still said yes to hanging out when I asked, but he doesn't initiate anything anymore. I don't know what went wrong. I want to go see this movie with him, but I don't know if I should ask again. Will it make me look desperate or something?
 
Ragman
 
  2  
Reply Mon 26 May, 2014 05:24 am
@comeeliz,
I empathize with you. I can't say I know the answer your looking for. There's too little info to hazard a guess. What I will comment on is only a hunch that I have about you. I could be totally offbase here, so don't take it to heart if I'm wrong.

I'm getting an impression about how important you regard yourself. You describe him as a busy person. Are you a busy person? How available are you for him ...others...? How is your self-esteem?

You've indicated that you're very considerate of his feelings (his energy) ... almost maternally so? Is it possible that you may have gone too far and put yourself in either the 'friend zone' or maybe put him off? Maybe you send him mixed signals?

Personally, I would wait awhile and see if he comes around. However, in his life who knows what other unrelated event might have occurred, either at work or in his personal life that could've taken his focus away?

Also, you may not know if he's seeing someone else or he has some troublesome relationship or whether or not he's a commitment-phobic guy. Too many questions that have no answer.

But, what you do know is you feel left out and need some answers to figure out if you invested well in this relationship. Until you get some feedback...perhaps you need to cultivate another friendship with someone else who is less distracted or acts more interested in seeing you?
bobsal u1553115
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 May, 2014 06:54 am
He doesn't need to do anything, you're doing it all. He's not at all into you.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 May, 2014 07:29 am
@Ragman,
Ragman wrote:


You've indicated that you're very considerate of his feelings (his energy) ... almost maternally so? Is it possible that you may have gone too far and put yourself in either the 'friend zone' or maybe put him off? Maybe you send him mixed signals?



This is what stuck out to me.
The way she has repeatedly mentioned he looked tired, and that perhaps he should give up his plans and go home and rest/sleep.

While I would appreciate someone expressing concern saying I looked tired, if this became a recurring theme I'd definately be put off.

panzade
 
  2  
Reply Mon 26 May, 2014 08:20 am
@comeeliz,
You are who you are; a considerate nurturing woman.
You can't change yourself to seem more attractive to him.
Comfort yourself with the fact that it's his loss.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Mon 26 May, 2014 09:34 am
@panzade,
While it's true she may be a considerate, nurturing woman, she may go overboard with it.

The OP will have to think that out and judge for herself.

Who knows what she means by "sometimes" when she brings to his attention he looks tired.

Some people just tend to look tired, even if they are not. Noticing the title of her thread "What do I DO with him now?"

Maybe she doesn't need to DO anything with (to) him. Personally, I'd be asking myself if I was being caring/nurturing or being smothering.

He's a grown man, he knows how to decide to take care of himself.
This is just supposition based on what I've read, but perhaps it's something for her to think about.

It can be exhausting being with someone who is always trying to comfort and take care of you.
0 Replies
 
comeeliz
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 May, 2014 12:22 am
@chai2,
Maybe I gave off the wrong impression. I'm actually not that considerate. I asked him those things because I wanted him to see me during the weekend instead of weekdays like we often did (of course I didn't say that outloud).
comeeliz
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 May, 2014 12:38 am
@Ragman,
I am also a busy person, but not as busy as him I guess. I don't usually make myself easily available, like sometimes when he called and asked if I wanted to hangout a few hours later, I would say no, but he was persistent and patient, so I had to say yes eventually. I had a feeling that both of us were proud and we both had high self-esteem. I didn't like him so much at first but I liked him more and more everytime I saw him. But maybe I did act coldly. I never texted/called him first (well until recently when I had to initiate contact because he forgot about me). I know that he has been busy preparing for a marathon (he loves running), but I figure if he wanted to see me, he could have made time to do that. I don't think he is seeing someone right now, but who knows. Maybe he has someone on his mind, someone who loves running as much as he does.
Ragman
 
  4  
Reply Tue 27 May, 2014 05:24 am
@comeeliz,
Sorry to have to tell you this: He has other priorities. Running a marathon and the preparation for it is extremely time-consuming and exhausting. He may value all that entails over seeing someone or doing anything else.

Way back in my past, I also was a long-distance runner. As a result of my commitment to preparing/finishing my marathon, my relationship suffered. One day, I met a girl who ran, too. I was quite happy and so was she. It helps to have someone share that interest.

So when he finishes that marathon do you want to wait and see if he returns to courting you? Or will you find another guy who will pamper you with attention you crave?

Somewhere, somehow, he seems to have gotten the message that you aren't happy with him.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 May, 2014 11:49 am
@comeeliz,
comeeliz wrote:

Maybe I gave off the wrong impression. I'm actually not that considerate. I asked him those things because I wanted him to see me during the weekend instead of weekdays like we often did (of course I didn't say that outloud).


Well, you should have said outloud you would prefer to see him on weekends.

That's terribly passive aggressive of you to make your needs known by telling someone they look tired, assuming they will know you really mean you want to see them weekends, not weekdays.

In addition, from you answer to ragman, you sound like a real game player.
0 Replies
 
vikorr
 
  1  
Reply Tue 27 May, 2014 02:47 pm
@comeeliz,
'you look tired. you should go home and sleep'

is very different from

'you put so much effort and energy into me. That means a lot to me'

'you look so tired' said constantly, without any show of appreciation of the effort & value it entails...I would eventually find insulting.

Combine that with her game playing about availability, and it's probably not worth it

If I have a very busy life, and an upcoming marathon to run, and realised this...well, that relationship I would probably consider to be in the trash can.
0 Replies
 
bobsal u1553115
 
  0  
Reply Tue 27 May, 2014 09:20 pm
Quote:
What do I do with him now?


Sell him for parts.
0 Replies
 
Chris-Zhang
 
  1  
Reply Thu 29 May, 2014 02:53 am
@comeeliz,
Hi, I suggest you should talk with your boyfriend about with problem, Maybe he made some mistake about you, he must thought you don't want to dating him. You should make an explanation to him and set up some ruls, for example, see a movie on Monday together, do something by yourself and don't bother each other, leave some days to dating and others days to resting, that's perfect.
0 Replies
 
comeeliz
 
  1  
Reply Fri 30 May, 2014 12:40 am
@Ragman,
It's good to hear the opinion of someone who likes running and used to run. I am inexperienced when it comes to dating and relationship. I didn't know what to expect or if I should expect anything at all. Honestly, I was very passive at the beginning. I was fine with whatever time or how often he made time to see me. When I liked him a little better later on, I did hope to spend more time with him, but I didn't communicate well. I guess I did let on that I wasn't totally happy. I tried to keep it in, but the guy is 7 years older than me. He is old and wise enough to figure out my thoughts/feelings that maybe I wasn't even sure of. He even said once that he only needed to ask me 3 questions and he would know what I really think/feel about something.

I still like him but I am trying to forget about him. I hate the fact that I constantly think of him when doing something else, wondering if I did something wrong to push him away or was there something wrong with me and wishing he had been a little more patient with me. It's just funny that we haven't been in contact for about a week and he still clicks Like to stuff I posted on facebook hmmm...then I am reminded of him again.

Anyway I really want to wish him goodluck with the marathon (which is tomorrow, I think) but maybe it's better not to say anything and just keep quiet and forget about the guy?
Ragman
 
  2  
Reply Fri 30 May, 2014 06:54 am
@comeeliz,
I appreciate your circumstance in this relationship. From how you describe what's going on you're doing OK with it all. All may not be lost with him, however, you're reacting like it's over. Why not see how things go after the marathon? I'd keep contact with him. Perhaps soon you can get together with him. Have some fun and try to be a bit more casual?

He has not told you he's not interested...just that he's busy, right? There are shades of grey in a relationship and you just need some time - so does this relationship ..MAYBE?.

I've a theory that you just need to show him you re not needy and aren't trying to possess him. It's just a theory, mind you. the future of where thing can go...well? Only you and he together hold the truth. Don't prematurely toss the whole relationship because you your ego was damaged a little and felt something you interpreted as a rejection.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Fri 30 May, 2014 06:58 am
@comeeliz,
comeeliz wrote:
Anyway I really want to wish him goodluck with the marathon (which is tomorrow, I think) but maybe it's better not to say anything and just keep quiet and forget about the guy?


you aren't friends any more?

a friend would wish him good luck in the run

0 Replies
 
LoneWolf2981
 
  1  
Reply Fri 30 May, 2014 05:23 pm
just try again my advice
0 Replies
 
Lash
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 Jul, 2014 01:29 pm
I think he may have picked up on the passive aggression like so many of us did - and didn't want a game player. Maybe you could call him, cop to it, apologize, explain that you really wanted to see him more, but you should have been up front - you'd like to see him, implying (and meaning) that you won't try to manipulate him in the future. I think you may have a chance.
0 Replies
 
kajla00007
 
  0  
Reply Wed 6 Aug, 2014 01:40 am
@comeeliz,
Yes it might, but what matters is are you really desperate ? If so, take remedial measures.
0 Replies
 
kajla00007
 
  0  
Reply Mon 18 Aug, 2014 03:54 am
@comeeliz,
You should ask the reason from him. May he have lack of time and have a hectic schedule.
0 Replies
 
 

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