Women, Problems, Dating, and being single.

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I'm a 32-year old college graduate who is currently single but most recently have developed a type of pessimism about my single life. For most guys who rather not have attachments, my life is rather lonely. For the most part I meet women, but majority of the women I meet are either: married, divorced (and scorned with that man hate bitterness) have kids, or have some sort of developing (or developed) psychiatric issue.

For the most part most women think I'm an attractive (and sometimes very handsome) guy and a lot of people are often perplexed as to why I'm single and with no kids. I'm a college post-graduate student working on a second masters degree so I really don't have time for situations where a woman is unsure of what she wants but I do find that a lot of women I've dated, a lot of their issues concerning my busyness is a problem.

Situations where I am busy whether if it's too busy to talk or text I try to make up for it by at least taking one day out of my busy week to plan to go out. But that is not the issue, the issue is as a man who dates both intra-racially and inter-racially I'm exposed to a wide range of personalities. Inter-racially I unfortunately meet a lot of women (mostly Hispanic) who I personally believe have issues dating outside their culture as their parents are influential in their decisions. As far as intra-racially, I've been told I'm "too nice" not as in please step all over me nice but "you're a very nice guy which means you have an ulterior motive so I usually get the you're nice but I need a thug treatment.

Actually, in my experience the latter can be said that is cross-culturally applied because a lot of women I've noticed like men who are socially rebellious as they deem those attitudes as being fun and assume that a man who is respectful, well-mannered, and educated to be "nerdy" and/or boring traits. So from 2008 (since my last so-called real relationship) to now I've been dating. Now that is not to say that I'm not to blame in any of that as most people would think that I cannot put the blame solely on them.

However despite my flaws which are more about the losing of my parents as opposed to whether I'm crazy or too clingy, I don't have some of the aforementioned issues as some of these women. I know it could be the proximity issue, bad luck, or the fact that its simply a "sub-culture" of today's American women. I do know one thing my friend's who told me never to date a woman with kids were right. I find that a lot of women with kids are horrible when it comes to maintaining a cordial relationship with their "ex" or the classic "Johnny needs a new backpack for school but I don't have the money" which makes me feel bad and obligated to buy the dang thing because I wouldn't want a child to be without.

So fellas and ladies help me out here what am I not getting?

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Type: Discussion • Score: 9 • Views: 2,361 • Replies: 47

Maybe start by not generalizing about women. Maybe start by being clearer - one of your first sentences in your post says you don't want attachments, so what should you care? Maybe start by expanding your dating horizons and looking for someone(s) outside of your usual network.

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@jespah,

Actually, I was quite clear by stating key phrases like "in my experiences" "women I've dated." I also never said I was opposed to attachments (I said most guys are opposed to attachments--but I'm not) I'm opposed to dating which goes nowhere. why devote my time to a situation in which the person doesn't want to see the situation through?

EDIT: When I said "For most guys who rather not have attachments, my life is rather lonely"

I should have said "most young men I know do not want attachments, as for myself, I want to be in a committed and serious relationship, but since I'm not my life is rather lonely."

1 Reply

@Buttermilk,

Quote:

I'm opposed to dating which goes nowhere.

Which will make it difficult to find someone to be in a serious and committed relationship. Most people don't go out once or twice with someone and decide that this person is someone I want to have a serious, committed relationship with. For most sane people, it takes going out regularly over a period of time before they know they want to get serious.

1 Reply

It sounds to me like you want to be able to order up a woman like short order breakfast. I'll have the "have a good day"breakfast, but make the english muffin extra crispy, and substitute a slice of ham for the bacon.

Then, she's supposed to arrive at your table in a reasonable amount of time, so you can hurry up and eat and get back to what you were doing.

1 Reply

@chai2,

So, i guess you're in agreement with me that there can be no committed, serious relationship unless the woman gets out in the kitchen and throws down, huh?

1 Reply

@Setanta,

If a woman can't stomp out biscuits, she ain't worth her salt.

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Mmmmm . . . biscuits . . .

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@Setanta,

You want that with cream or red eye gravy?

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Consider dating an older woman - around 45.

You sound like you want to skip all the 30-something angst that people go thru, so join a gym and look for an older woman.

Mostly likely, she might be divorced, have teens, but be established in her career.

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@chai2,

Either one, but i do favor the milk gravy made with sausage drippings . . .

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@PUNKEY,

PUNKEY wrote:

Consider dating an older woman - around 45.

You sound like you want to skip all the 30-something angst that people go thru, so join a gym and look for an older woman.

Mostly likely, she might be divorced, have teens, but be established in her career.

Please...if you are going to use "45" as an example of older...at least give some warning...like you would with a movie/TV spoiler.

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@CoastalRat,

I think you're taking my seriousness or desire to be in a committed relationship as being someone who wants to go out on one or two dates and get married. I think in any "normal" situation we all have desires. Some have a desire to just be friends, some friends with benefits, some want to date and possibly get married, some want to date have sex and make a baby. There are all kinds of scenarios of people having pre-conceived expectations.

My point was merely on the principle that although going out on dates several months at a time, if a person goes on a date with me for over 6 months and upon the 7th month they're still on the fence of being in a committed and stable relationship, that is a problem for me. In my experiences in dating I've met far too many women who are in love with the "idea" of relationships as opposed to wanting to be in one.

I mean why date a guy for a long time and then reject the notion of the possibility of forseeing an eventual life together? That is my point. I feel like I'm wasting time being monogamous only to be disappointed by one person. Some men date several women at a time but because my school schedule is so impacted, I can only handle one woman. Grant it, even if I was more free I don't think I'd date several women at a time because I've been there done that and eventually someone is going to get hurt in a situation like that.

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@PUNKEY,

I weight lift daily so I think I have a nice physique since I like taking care of myself but with that said I do meet women at the gym but I mainly focus on my weight training as opposed to hooking up. I know there are some men that go to gyms looking to hook up but I pretty much have tunnel vision when it comes to meeting women at gyms. As for dating women who are in the 45 range well, been there and done that. Last woman I dated was 44 with a son that was 30.

Since I wanted kids in the long long future and she already had kids that are grown that wasn't possible. She was also a divorcee who also had controlling issues because of what her husband had done. The woman who I had dated after her was 39 with 4 kids who had issues with her ex-husband. Me being childless was always an issue with her because women (in my experiences) in these circumstances especially older women always tell me:

"What is a guy with no children, a post-graduate education, single, young, handsome want with someone like me?"

So as you can see not only older women I've dated are very self-conscious about age, but they also have self-esteem issues when it comes to my personal situation. Sadly, many feel that "I can do better" which is very far from the truth.

In my wildest fantasy my fantasy mate would be in the same situation as I am in: school, work, handling business, single, no kids. Although there are women like that, in the state of California finding a woman without kids and drama free is very difficult to find.

1 Reply

@Buttermilk,

Quote:

So as you can see not only older women I've dated are very self-conscious about age, but they also have self-esteem issues when it comes to my personal situation. Sadly, many feel that "I can do better" which is very far from the truth.

Has it occurred to you that this sentence describes you pretty well?
You seem like a nice guy and I'm not picking on you...but.

Get over yourself!

2 Replies

@panzade,

Yeah, I agree with panzade.

He just can't find someone who is enough "just like himself".

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@PUNKEY,

I'm not all against buttermilk, can imagine being him (I'm a woman, by the way), but it's been a long long time since I've read such consistently generalizing takes about females.

Not that what buttermilk is saying isn't true some of the time, but the tendency to generalize is pretty off-putting.

1 Reply

@Buttermilk,

Are you in Silicon Valley?

You do write a bit condescendingly about women - lump them into neat, dismissive categories - and this tells me more about you than it does the chicks you've been dating.

I would feel comfortable betting that you are very choosy - nay, picky and critical - of the women you spend time with. Nothing wrong with being choosy at all. I applaud it - as long as 1. the criticism is fair and valid, but even more important 2. you have a healthy idea of your own faults - and you throw them into the mix as you're analyzing the girl's possible suitability for you.

Women don't have drama. People have drama. Based on personality, ability to handle crap, previous bad relationships, presence of children, hormonal junk, blah blah - the drama factor finds its spot on a graph. Unfortunately for young chicks, their graphs are pretty dotty...

There are likely many chicks around you who have the qualities you are looking for, and who may have minimal drama markers.

First, ask yourself the five most important qualities you have for a potential chick partner. (and tell me!)

Also, part two of your Chick Locating Homework: You already have a great positive view of yourself - and this is good! List three of your most embarrassing or negative attributes as a potential date.

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@Lash,

Well put except maybe for the chick stuff (did he use that?) but I get the hyperbole for the effect, it fits.

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

I refer to myself as a chick. I don't see it as negative. It sort of expands across girl and woman, to me anyway.

2 Replies

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