21
   

Tell me how to persuade my boyfriend for not getting intimate.

 
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Apr, 2014 06:19 pm
@PUNKEY,
I think looking at seventeen year old boys as the lifeline for your next fifty years is incredibly stupid.
Sweet Katy
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 Apr, 2014 07:17 pm
@ossobuco,
We will settle down after having a secured future, may be after 7 or 8 years. If we get separated then we will continue long distance relationship. Rest all is upto destiny.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Tue 22 Apr, 2014 08:17 pm
@ossobuco,
Well, I do, too! But in her religious/ culture's context, this is how it is done.

She needs to find a boy who is not so experienced and who will not put this kind of pressure on her. Right now, the two of them are not matched well for this kind of "courting" that is required of this culture.
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Wed 23 Apr, 2014 10:56 am
@PUNKEY,
Quote:
She needs to find a boy who is not so experienced and who will not put this kind of pressure on her.


Do you think that such a boy exists?

You are suggesting she wait for someone who will remain chaste in a committed relationship for 6 or 7 years with no pressure. This sounds pretty unrealistic to me in any culture.

It sounds like she is in a meaningful relationship with someone who treats her well and makes her happy. They are going to have to work through the cultural bit... but I wouldn't give up on a meaningful relationship so easily.
0 Replies
 
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 23 Apr, 2014 03:02 pm
@ossobuco,
I'm sorry I was so abrupt in saying what I think about that, committing to love forever, and also not having sexual relations for years, when you are seventeen. I understand more now about the cultural differences that happen in a world wide forum like this. I share Jespah's concerns about you two being able to forego intimacy for several years, and ehBeth's view that you might be smart to not be seeing him, hard as that would be. I am tempted to suggest you tell your family about all this, but that is your business to decide.
0 Replies
 
IanRust
 
  -1  
Reply Wed 23 Apr, 2014 10:48 pm
@Sweet Katy,
WIthout some appeal to higher authority like GOd I don't think you can successfully convince him to subdue himself. You can try saying your father wants you to wait until marriage, and you want to honor your fathers wishes. Some paternal figure is absolutely necessary, be it God, your father, his father, him doing what's necessary to become a father (i.e. marriage, financial stability), and so on.

But also look inside and ask yourself... why is it you want to wait, exactly? Identify the root of those feelings and express them fully. Most likely those feelings are entangled with a need for paternal authority which he lacks.
0 Replies
 
Buttermilk
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Apr, 2014 09:24 am
@Sweet Katy,
No offense but you've dated for about a year and you love him and you're 17! Perhaps you should've established boundaries from day 1. I do agree that men should respect these boundaries but being intimate with someone in a no penetrating way (kissing, touching etc) gives off false impressions that you are ready for sex. Perhaps you need to scale back on the "petting" or 'kissing" and tell him your boundaries.
0 Replies
 
Lash
 
  2  
Reply Fri 25 Apr, 2014 02:06 pm
@Sweet Katy,
Katy, what would happen to you if yur dad, a brother or your future husband's family discovered you'd had sex before marriage? I want to make sure I understand what your risk is.
Sweet Katy
 
  2  
Reply Mon 28 Apr, 2014 02:59 pm
@Lash,
Everything, my married life and status in my in-laws family will get destroyed. He won't accept an used girl, a girl who got intimate with some other boy. No one will give me the respect and honour that I deserve.
Lash
 
  1  
Reply Mon 28 Apr, 2014 04:08 pm
@Sweet Katy,
There are 2 ways to go about this sweetheart.

1. Know that you aren't going to live with this expectation - take the risk and have sex - hoping you won't be found out.

2. Live according to the rule that you will not have sex until marriage.

I'm terribly worried about any girl that has to live with this frightening lifestyle. It's not fair to set such an expectation of a young girl - but I am afraid of what will happen to you if you go against your family and societal expectations. I've heard of young girls being beaten and some killed because the family believed a girl who has sex before marriage has dishonored the entire family. They believed the only way to regain their honor was to kill the girl.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

The only thing I can say is if you choose #2, do not leave the responsibility of keeping you a virgin to any boy / man. They aren't the ones who could die if things go too far sexually. YOU are. You must be responsible for your safety.

I wish I knew how to help you.

The way you persuade him to leave you a virgin is to demand it.

Let him know how much sexual activity is safe - and what you agree to. Never pass that point. Most boys, even wonderful boys who love you - are unable to stay in an exclusive relationship without sex. I hate to say this, cause it sounds yucky, but maybe have sexual activity with him to your pre-decided safe point - and then mutual masturbation may work for you. Just no penis in your vagina... Read about clitoral orgasms and mutual masturbation and oral sex.

But keep in mind exactly how your parents would "check" your virginity. Would they listen to gossip or take you to a doctor to check your hymen?

Sweet Katy
 
  2  
Reply Wed 30 Apr, 2014 04:17 pm
@Lash,
Thanks a lot. You got my situation very well. And I'll go with option 2. I can't risk my entire life. Even if he leaves me for I didn't allow him to have sex with me, I'll be satisfied with the fact that I preserved my parent's honour in society. What if I lose my virginity for him and he leave me? What if his family doesn't allow him to marry me? I'll be alone, even my parents wouldn't supoort me then. So I can't think of anything better than this. At the time of my marriage I will surely ask him about us.
Let's see what the fate brings out to me. I hope for the best to happen, him continuing with me without any intimacy.
ossobuco
 
  1  
Reply Wed 30 Apr, 2014 04:19 pm
@Lash,
Plus the whole hymen thing has been discounted (no link but I've read that several times).
0 Replies
 
Lash
 
  1  
Reply Thu 1 May, 2014 08:40 pm
@Sweet Katy,
Blessing and safety to you, sweet girl.
0 Replies
 
glitterbag
 
  3  
Reply Tue 6 May, 2014 06:55 pm
@Sweet Katy,
Katy, it doesn't matter if others here don't understand the risks you could be taking in your culture. You are in the best position to know what your parents
or your society will tolerate. I don't think anyone should risk personal ruin in order to please another person. Frankly, it doesn't matter how Americans view premarital sex, because it does matter where you live.

This will sound contradictory, but a healthy sex life is important. However, no ones body parts will shrivel for lack of use. If your well being and future would be damaged, it's probably best to take your parents advice. You are only 17, I honestly think you should listen to yourself, and think about what you are risking.

I think your young man knows how risky an intimate relationship would be for you, you mention caste systems. If he does have strong feelings for you, he
won't do anything that would endanger you.

Bottom line, Lash gave you good advice, I would listen to her. Good luck.
0 Replies
 
Romeo Fabulini
 
  -1  
Reply Tue 6 May, 2014 08:58 pm
Quote:
Glitterbag said: a healthy sex life is important.

Nah, monks and nuns are quite happy to do without it all their lives..Smile
thisismechanging
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Jun, 2014 05:38 am
@Sweet Katy,
Hello,

I would recommend that you analyze your own reasoning behind wanting to withhold sex, instead of finding ways to persuade your bf to not want to have sex with you.

Is it very important to you to be married before having sex? If so, is it a religious belief or just general insecurity? if it's religious, fair enough - but then you should just calmly tell your boyfriend that due to your personal beliefs you wish to remain virgin until you are married. If he knows you and your convictions, and loves you, I am sure that he will understand. And if he doesn't, you are clearly dating the wrong guy anyway.

It seems to me like you have reasons rooted in personal insecurity though. You mentioned that "may be that I am afraid of being cheated on because men usually lose the interest after getting that close to a girl. "
This, to me, sounds like the words of an insecure person who has learned how sex and relationships work from sit-coms. I am not trying to be hurtful, I am just saying that this belief doesn't really have any ground in real life, unless you count one night stands. Your relationship has already been ongoing for such a long time, that it's not likely your relationship would end because he would 'tire' of you after 'putting out'.

Instead, to me, it seems like you are withholding sex as a means of controlling the relationship (=stopping him from losing interest), which is not a very healthy thing. I recommend that you analyze your own attitude towards sex first - are you afraid of it? Do you feel like you will be 'used' somehow? If this is the case, I recommend that you do not have sex with him now, but instead try to get to the core of your own insecurities first.

Also, I recommend that you analyze the relationship you're in. Why would he tire of you after finally getting you to have sex with him? Are you already sensing that the only thing between you and a break-up is his hopes of getting sex? Or is you relationship in balance, but you still fear having sex?

As a woman, I can tell you that you have nothing to be insecure about. You are getting as much out of the physical relationship as he is.
Religious reasons aside, I am also questioning why would you also want to marry a man whom you don't know intimately yet? By experience, I can tell you that sometimes you find out something unexpected and unpleasant about your partner and their sexual preferences after sleeping with them. IMO, it's better to find out sooner than after tying yourself down for the rest of your life. Also, being married doesn't necessarily mean he won't ever tire of you. Just look at the 'cheating' and 'divorce' sections on this web page.

Basically, I think you may have problems with your own insecurities, which you should address before getting intimate. However, you might want to consider a compromise (not going all the way, but fooling about, if you catch my drift) if you are absolutely not willing to lose your virginity before marriage.
Good luck!
0 Replies
 
silentwatch2
 
  0  
Reply Thu 24 Jul, 2014 12:34 pm
@Sweet Katy,
It is really sad. and you need that extra courage to hang on..

Believe me you are doing the right thing. He or anyone who really love you will only appreciate it since you give so much value for yourself it is your personality. You are not an emotional animal. who should give everything.. let him first marry you and give him your best..
keep faith that what you do is really good for you. so not just carried away and give it up.. rather stay with what you think. time will prove him that what you have done is correct..

You should tell him. lets not do this.and you arenot ready.. even if you wanted to just spell it out.. you should utter this not just non verbal things will do..words have such a power that next time it will give stronger message..
Believe me he will never lose interest in you..
0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Thu 24 Jul, 2014 01:37 pm
@Romeo Fabulini,
No they aren't.
0 Replies
 
One Eyed Mind
 
  0  
Reply Fri 12 Sep, 2014 02:00 am
Just tell him you were born with a rare disease that makes it feel like sand paper until a certain age.

Magic.
Brandon9000
 
  2  
Reply Fri 12 Sep, 2014 03:46 am
@One Eyed Mind,
One Eyed Mind wrote:
Just tell him you were born with a rare disease that makes it feel like sand paper until a certain age.

Magic.

Lying isn't likely to help a relationship. She started this thread to get advice on a problem that's important to her. Most of the other posters are empathetic and trying to help her. You, on the other hand, treat it as a joke. When people post questions about serious problems they need advice about, if you feel no empathy, at least don't post jokes.
 

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