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The Pitfalls of Marrying an American Woman.

 
 
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 04:35 pm
Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin split: The pitfalls of marrying an American woman

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02548/paltrow_2548101b.jpg

By Tom Cowell (Telegraph)


As Gywneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announce their split, Tom Cowell, a long-serving British husband to a gorgeous American woman, runs through the lows and highs of an international union.

As news of the Gwyneth Paltrow/ Chris Martin split sinks in, it’s clear which half of the couple will get more press sympathy. Gwyneth is a Hollywood superstar with a megawatt smile, bewitching charisma, and a figure so perfect it could drive a sculptor mad. Chris Martin plays the piano at a school-play level, looks a bit sad, and displays all the animal magnetism of a Carphone Warehouse.
The media picks sides, and it won’t be his. So who is going to stick up for poor old Chris? Marrying an American can be absolute torture (I have eight years experience and counting). Let’s run down some of the awful attributes that Mr Martin had to endure for 12 long years:

Here are some of the pitfalls:

Obsessed with Mexican food
For some reason, Americans believe that the constant and dirt-cheap availability of Mexican food is a human right. Tell them there is nowhere to get an affordable burrito in, say, Merthyr Tydfil, and they will gape in shock, like you just sang the national anthem in Klingon.

The idea that their country has a lot of Mexican food because, er … they share a 800 mile border with Mexico, simply does not compute. Mexican food should be everywhere. Like oxygen, or laughter. If it is not, the universe is fundamentally misaligned. Chris, Gwyneth is gone. But at least you don’t have to put up with this ridiculous behaviour anymore.


Will believe in any new age BS
There is no vaguely hippy “thing”, or laughable spiritual “practice” that an American won’t fall for. Chakras must be in alignment. Ley lines must be consulted. And at all times, one must drown any vestige of reason or logic in one’s head with gallons of kombucha. Is there any beverage more perfect for the gullible?
It tastes like balsamic urine, looks like toxic waste and costs more than champagne. Therefore, it must be good for you! Mr Martin, you’re lucky. You can junk all that gong-ringing, yoga-farting, macrobiotic nonsense and get back to your roots: solid English scepticism, served with a Cornish pasty.


The word “woo!”
To marry an American is to accept the word “woo!” into your life. The word is not in any dictionary, but is written deep inside an American’s heart and soul. To an American, if anything vaguely good is happening, one must emit a “woo”. Perhaps a baseball team has hit a baseball. Or a tray of cupcakes successfully made it from the kitchen to a living room table. Anything dimly positive can be greeted with a overly-loud, obnoxiously out-of-context: “WOOO! YEAH! Cupcakes! Awesome!”. It is insufferable.


The “I’m An American” excuse.
Americans demonstrate a perverse pride in not knowing about the rest of the world. What’s more, they justify their ignorance with a maddening defence: “I don’t know: I’m an American”. As if it’s their birthright to think Spain is part of France. Or think that Malaysia isn’t a real place.


Swapping hands with cutlery
For a nation supposedly all about efficiency, the American way of handling cutlery is enough to drive a decent person mad. They don’t hold their fork in their left hand and knife in their right, like any normal human. They cut their food that way, then put both utensils down, then switch their fork into their right hand, and only THEN begin scooping food into their mouths. And this happens dozens of times per meal. And they have the nerve to think the way WE eat is weird.


Absurd conception of distance
Americans are blissfully unaware that their country is, by any standard, rather large. Therefore, for them, driving six hours to visit a favourite music venue is perhaps not unusual. FOR THEM. But to us, travelling for six hours is the purest hell, like enduring an open wound dredged with salt while sitting in traffic on the M25. They will mercilessly mock any attempt to complain about long distances, and in the process, look and sound like idiots.
On the other hand, Americans do have wonderful qualities that can make for enormous improvements in one’s married life
And, just in case my wife reads this, here are some benefits ...

Down to earth
Americans are so wonderfully, sincerely down-to-earth, we have trouble believing it. To the cynical British mind, any genuine pleasure in meeting a new person is a sign of potential mental illness. But Americans actually want to make new friends. They want to get along with you, stranger. It makes one’s like infinitely more interesting to have an American around, because you meet EVERYONE. It’s like permanently going through life with a puppy, or the latest iPhone.

They actually enjoy sex
Every British man is scarred by adolescent experiences with some haughty deb, with more passion for her childhood horse than any part of the human male. The chance to be with a woman who actually enjoys the hanky-panky? Instead of infantilising the glorious sex act with hideous British euphemisms like “hanky-panky”? This is a gift that lasts a lifetime.

Incredible teeth
Seriously. Where are the British orthodontists? Why do we let them get away with the substandard job they are clearly doing? An American can say silly stuff, do silly things, and annoy you more than nails down a chalkboard … but at the end of the day, one flash of those perfect, pearly white chompers and you fall in love all over again. You’ll do anything for that American. Learn to like “football”? Check. Invade Iraq on false pretences? Check. Stop spelling colour with a “U”? Anything, my darling. Anything.
Chris, we both know the truth. Gwyneth may be old news. But your next girlfriend? I bet you dollars to doughnuts – she’ll be American.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 19 • Views: 16,558 • Replies: 342

 
Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 04:40 pm
I almost married an American woman once't . . . fortunately, there was a war on, so i missed the boat.
0 Replies
 
contrex
 
  2  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 04:47 pm
A bit of stereotyping going on there. I used to date a lovely girl from New Jersey who was the exact opposite of everything that the article author supposes American women to be. Imagine a sexy looking punk/emo/goth chick with a toilet mouth that would make Tony Soprano cringe and a degree in fine art. After we split up she dated and married a Dutch guy she met on a ferry (!) and I am godfather to their daughter. Who is amazing!
Lordyaswas
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 05:07 pm
@contrex,
The first American girl I ever got to know was an exchsnge student at Teacher Training College where my girlfriend at the time was studying.

She was from New York and laughed hysterically when she first saw my Mini Cooper (Italian job)
We showed her round London and she couldn't believe the vast areas of grass and trees there.
After her first week, she put all her washing into the washing machine they had in their 'block', switched it on to hot wash and boiled all of her clothes to buggery. Everyone chipped in with various garments (height of 70's glam rock fashions) and overnight she looked like a Bay City Roller fan.
She was also terrified of opening her dorm room door, which at the time was probably sensible behaviour for New York, but rural Hertfordshire in the early 70's it seemed sort of strange.
I taught her to drive a manual (stick shift?) car, a Triumph Spitfire, in the College csr park, and discovered in the process that she could chsnge tyres and service a car engine, pretty much unheard of with Brit girls at the time. Her dad was a mechanic, so were her brothers.
Like the article, we sat and stared the first time she used a knife and fork.
She was great fun, and being American and exotic, she was extremely popular.
Years later, whilst watching a Cyndi Lauper music video and wondering who she reminded me of, I suddenly remembered....
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 05:10 pm
@Lordyaswas,
I'll preface this by saying I've an awareness that this was not a serious comparison or critique of American females.

Using Gwyneth Paltrow, a movie star, celebrity, award-winning actress as a model for anything approaching a typical American female is a bit of a stretch, don't you think?

I'd venture a guess that she wouldn't even be typical for a an example of someone in the top 5% of rich Americans.

Also, I don't feel bad for Martin, either. I just learned that he's the lead for the band Coldplay. Marriages like that typically don't last long. What I also learned is that they were together for 10 yrs and have 2 kids together. I hope the kids get to see both parents as much as possible.
0 Replies
 
Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 05:11 pm
I only do the knife and fork thing when i know someone is watching who believes that old BS. Gotta keep the punters happy.
Lordyaswas
 
  2  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 05:15 pm
@Setanta,
Yes, a friend from Boston says the same. Maybe it's a regional thing?




Disclaimer: It is a well known fact that all Bostonians are in actual fact English people in disguise so therefore should not be used as true example in this instance.
ossobuco
 
  0  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 05:27 pm
I've always felt rather sorry for Chris Martin, whom I know nothing at all about.

But... that is from reading some of her, pardon me, woo woo food type opinions in passing. Or, not passing. Other than all that, I've gathered from some article or other that people really like her as a person. Perhaps unconsciously.
cicerone imposter
 
  0  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 05:32 pm
@contrex,
Good points: all women are similar from one country to the next. How many characteristics can there be for men or women? The laws of the land and culture has much to do with marriage and the personalities involved in the union.
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 05:33 pm
@ossobuco,
She's a mighty fine actress and a joy to look at. That sort of lifestyle has its pitfalls, though. Can you imagine being able to go almost nowhere without being hounded and reported on...even by non-media types. People with cell phones can put you on the Internet immediately with an instant audience seeing you at your worst cussing out a cab driver or a waiter...or worse...each other.
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 06:06 pm
@Lordyaswas,
Wooo!?
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 06:25 pm
Wait, Spain isn't part of France?

I have to go use a neti pot now, to unclog my meridians.

BRB.

WOO!

0 Replies
 
Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 06:30 pm
@Lordyaswas,
I wouldn't try to peddle that in Boston, if i were you. Boston is the largest Irish city in the world--as in, having the world's largest population of native-born Irish.

I think most of us were taught that way, and i think the idea is to make you put your knife down before eating the bite of meat you've cut off. I don't bother unless i'm in polite company. There's more than 300 million of us now, and many are immigrants. I doubt it's as common as it once was. Usually, i keep my fork in my right hand, and my knife in the left.
bobsal u1553115
 
  2  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 06:38 pm
That's right, because Gwyneth Paltrow is an ordinary American woman - what with living in GB and all.
0 Replies
 
bobsal u1553115
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 06:39 pm
Oh yeah .... ahem .... <snicker>
0 Replies
 
hawkeye10
 
  2  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 06:46 pm
The premise of the lead is wrong

Quote:
Addendum: According to Star's poll, these are the twenty most hated celebrities:

1. Gwyneth Paltrow
2. Kristen Stewart
3. Jennifer Lopez
4. John Mayer
5. Katherine Heigl
6. Matt Lauer
7. Madonna
8. Justin Bieber
9. Anne Hathaway
10. Kris Jenner
11. Kim Kardashian
12. LeAnn Rimes
13. Ashton Kutcher
14. Jay Leno
15. Angelina Jolie
16. Lindsay Lohan
17. Shia LaBeouf
18. Taylor Swift
19. Jesse James
20. Chris Brown

http://nymag.com/thecut/2013/04/20-most-hated-celebrities-why-we-hate-them.html
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 06:54 pm
@Setanta,
Setanta wrote:

Usually, i keep my fork in my right hand, and my knife in the left.


I watch people in restaurants, and I see most of them cutting with their right, putting the knife down, and switching the fork from the left to the right hand.

Once you notice it, it does look stupid.
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 06:56 pm
@chai2,
Huh? I'm right handed...cut meat with my left hand, though. oopsy!

However at home I'm vegan! Now, when I'm at a restaurant, I pick up the steer and take a big bite of the hiney!
0 Replies
 
Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 06:57 pm
@chai2,
That's one of those situations i would classify as "being in polite company." When you behave so as not to embarrass your mother in public, even though she's not sitting there. I do that in restaurants, too, usually . . . if i think about it . . . which i often don't.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Wed 26 Mar, 2014 06:59 pm
I know, let's the 3 of us go out to dinner and take notes!
 

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